But presently someone came upon the scene whose remarks I decided to mind, in a way. An unwieldy tub bore down upon us, containing perhaps twelve or fourteen people. A stalwart young fellow, standing up in the bow, addressed himself to me.
"Excuse me, guv"nor, but might I ask what you"re doin" along of that young lady?"
"Pardon me, sir, in my turn, but might I inquire what business that is of yours?"
"I don"t want none of your sauce! Just you tell me what"s your little game."
This struck me as being tolerably cool, sauce being evidently at least as much in his line as in mine.
"My little game, sir, is a saunter on the stream. Good-bye."
And with that I pulled away. The stranger became almost inarticulate with rage.
"Set me alongside of "im! put me aboard of "im! I"ll knock "is somethinged "ead off "is somethinged shoulders!"
His friends yelled in chorus. One shouted question caught my ear.
"What are you doing along of the bloke"s wife?"
I looked at my companion.
"Is it possible that the gentleman is your husband?"
"Course "e is. You put me into the boat "long with "im right away! Tom and Joe, they"re friends of "is, but you ain"t no friend of "is, nor yet of mine. I don"t want to get into no trouble along o" you! Do you "ear what I tell you, put me into "is boat!"
"With the greatest possible pleasure."
But the thing was not so easy. The whole dozen were screaming at once, and, judging by the threats they used, it seemed tolerably plain that if I brought my craft within reach of theirs an attempt would be made to board me, and there would be every probability of an awkward spill.
So, deeming discretion to be the better part of valour, I made for the Surrey sh.o.r.e, intending to there land my pa.s.senger and restore her to a--I trusted--fond, though excited, husband"s arms. My intentions, however, were misconstrued; they supposed I was running away, proposing to save my skin from a drubbing instead of the lady"s from a ducking, so they started hotly in pursuit, their shouts redoubling. What was worse, the lady thought so too, and commenced to give me a side of her tongue which I trust, for his sake, it was her wont to spare her husband.
I never was better abused; the bawling crew behind were good at the game, but the ungrateful virago I had snipped was easily first. I grew a trifle warm. If I was to be slanged I would be slanged for something.
I decided to give the husband a chase and the wife a little excursion.
It would have been easy enough to have shown a lead to the pursuing tub until the end of time. I bent to the oars and let her have it. You should have heard the hubbub. They saw that if I played that trick they would never catch me, and how they raved! The joke was that my lady pa.s.senger raved with the best of them--and her adjectives!
"Something, something, something you! If you don"t put me into my husband"s somethinged boat, I"ll spill the somethinged show!"
"Spill it."
For a moment I thought she would. Then she hesitated, reflected that she not improbably might be left to drown, and didn"t.
"I"ll mark your face for you!" she screamed.
"If you move from your seat, my dear madam, I"ll upset the show."
"Do!" she yelled. Then, as an afterthought, ""Elp! murder! police! "E"s a-goin" to drown me!"
It seemed absurd to exhaust oneself for the sake of giving a pleasant trip to a lady who would persist in shouting for the police in a voice loud enough to be heard a mile away, especially as people on the Twickenham sh.o.r.e evinced signs of misconstruing the situation. I resolved, by way of vengeance, to concede what she wanted, and let the pursuers catch us.
"My dear madam, as I have already informed you, nothing would give me greater pleasure than to put you on board your husband"s boat--I will prove it."
Precisely what I expected happened. The lumbering tub came up. The husband, with half a dozen of his friends, tried to board us. The frail skiff careened. There was the crowd of us, including, thank goodness!
the lady pa.s.senger, in the stream. I had taken the precaution to draw close into sh.o.r.e before staying my wild career, foreseeing the inevitable catastrophe, so that it was only an affair of wading, yet I do believe that I was the only one who really enjoyed the thing. I doubt if the lady did. She swooned, or pretended to, directly she reached dry land. As for her friends, the whole gallant gang would have set on to me at once. But I will do her husband the justice to admit that he was a man. He claimed the affair as his own, and he insisted on taking it on as his own, and he took me on with it.
I had wanted a row royal and I had got it. Beanfeasting had not knocked the fighting qualities out of him. If he was not a professional pugilist he was a near relation. I can use them a bit, but he gave me as good as I sent, and a trifle better. It was the difference between the amateur and the professional; at his own game the tradesman always wins. If we had fought to a finish I should have had enough, but we didn"t. A policeman came across the stream and stopped us. I had escaped a black eye, but that was about all I had escaped. I had landed a few, but they had been returned with interest. Twice had I been fairly gra.s.sed, once with a tingler under the chin. I felt for a moment as if I had swallowed every tooth in my head. I had the devout satisfaction of knowing that my nervous system had received just that fillip which it stood in need of.
"I"ll have a lesson or two," I told myself, "from someone who can kill me at sight, and the next time I meet my lady pa.s.senger"s husband I will do the gra.s.sing."
There"s nothing like argument _a priori_ for clearing the air or cobwebs from the brain. Do not talk to me of arbitration. I am a physical force man. I returned to town feeling twice the man I left it.
A MEMBER OF THE ANTI-TOBACCO LEAGUE
I THE SIX CIGARS
Sunday morning. A cold wind blowing, slush in the streets, sleet drizzling steadily down. For the moment the market was deserted. Not because of the weather, wretched though the weather was, but because of the excitement which was in the air.
A crowd buzzed about the entrance to the court. A crowd which grew every second larger. A crowd which overflowed from the street itself, so that its tributaries streamed into the network of lanes and of alleys. An excited, a noisy, a shouting crowd. An angry crowd. A crowd which gave utterance to its opinions at the top of its voice, in language which was plain-spoken to a fault.
Jim Slater caught sight of a friend. He twisted himself round to shout at him.
"Wot yer, Bill! That"s another one he"s done for--that makes seven!"
"It is true then? He "as done it."
"Done it! I should think he "as done it! Found the pore gal just as he left "er, lying up agin the wall, with "er clothes over "er "ead, and "er inside, wot "e"d cut out, lying alongside--a "orrid sight!"
"I"d like to "ave the "andlin"? of "im!"
""Andling of "im! My Gawd!" A volley of expletives from Jim. "If I "ad the "andling of "im once I wouldn"t want it twice. I"d cut the ---- up for cat"s meat!"
There was a chorus of approval from those who had heard. A woman"s voice rose above the hubbub; she shook her fist at the police who guarded the entrance to the court.
"What"s the good of you p"lice? You lets a chap carve us women up as if we was cattle, and you never don"t trouble yourselves to move a finger!
I"d be ashamed."
She was supported by a lady friend, a woman with a shawl over her head, her hair streaming down her back; a woman who, evidently, had risen hastily from bed.
"You"re right, Polly! If a pore bloke steals a "aporth o" fried fish, they takes jolly good care, them slops, they runs him in, but a ---- can do for as many of us gals as he ---- well chooses, and they don"t even trouble themselves to ketch "im. Yah-h! I"d like to see him do for some of them, I would--straight!"
From the crowd another loud-voiced chorus of approval. Jim Slater formed a speaking-trumpet with his hands, and yelled,--
"Why don"t yer ketch "im?"
A hoa.r.s.e, husky murmur from the throng, rapidly rising to a roar,--
"Yes, why don"t yer?"