She"d died and he"d vowed to himself she"d never be reduced to that.
But she was a memory.
A happy one.
The wound of the shock of her brutal death fading, the rest, the good times, had floated to the surface.
Hettie smiling. Laughing. Joking around. One of the guys but in a way that was all girl. Giving great head. f.u.c.king up the eggs. Acting like she was having an o.r.g.a.s.m the first bite she took every time he cooked for her.
Hettie. A happy memory.
But a memory.
And he stood there looking at her and her freckles and he did it for once not missing her f.u.c.ked-up eggs.
He did it wishing he"d taken a f.u.c.king photo of Olivia.
"I"m an a.s.shole," he whispered to the picture.
You"re not an a.s.shole, sweetheart. We both know oh-so-f.u.c.king-well you can"t control who you fall in love with, Hettie whispered into his brain, and his back went straight.
Fall in love?
"Jesus, s.h.i.t, now I"m a lunatic," he muttered.
With determination, he turned his attention to his whisky.
He downed it.
After he did that, he thought maybe he wasn"t a lunatic.
Maybe he needed to stop f.u.c.king drinking.
On that thought, he walked the picture to the chest but he didn"t put it on top where it used to be.
He slid it in the drawer where he"d hidden her when he"d had Olivia.
And he forced Hettie out of his mind as he moved to his bedroom.
The problem was, he tried to force Olivia out of his mind too.
He succeeded with Hettie.
But as she"d been doing since that night he decided to save her from him, Olivia kept him awake all night.
6:23 Sunday Evening "Okay, you want to tell me why it looks like you haven"t slept in a year and you"re all broody?"
Nick turned from his contemplation of the lights of Denver that he could see from his place staring out the floor to ceiling windows of Anya and Knight"s condo.
He saw Anya had sidled close.
He hadn"t felt her approach.
f.u.c.k, he had to get his head together. Turner, Hettie and Deacon had taught him better than that.
He looked across the expanse of sunken living room to the other side of the s.p.a.ce where the kitchen was. Knight and his two girls were there too, cooking. He saw Knight smiling, Kat giggling and Kasha in her own world, not helping her father and sister, but for some reason she was in the middle of the kitchen twirling.
There it was again. Knight was a natural at everything he touched.
Even being a dad.
There were parts of that that weren"t really a surprise. Their mother, back then f.u.c.ked way the h.e.l.l up, had had Knight and named him so he"d be her protector.
But not in a million years would Nick guess his brother would be comfortable in a kitchen with two little girls, letting one twirl happily in her own world while making the other one giggle.
And not in a million years would Nick guess he"d be happy seeing his brother had that, content in his place being a part of it, and not feeling less because of either.
He turned back to Anya.
And Anya, being his in a way he would also never guess he wanted, but in a way now he wasn"t sure he could live without, that being the sister he"d never had, he laid it out.
"I don"t think of Hettie anymore."
She looked confused and spoke cautiously, "I...well, I can"t tell by the way you said that. Is that good?"
"I don"t know," Nick replied. "Is it good not to think of someone you loved who you watched get shot in the head?"
Her face registered a minor wince and he wished he hadn"t laid it out so bluntly.
Before he could apologize, her eyes swept to the kitchen and she moved closer.
"Eventually, to heal and be able to move on, you have to stop thinking about her," she told him softly.
Nick looked to the lights of Denver.
"I think it"s healthy, Nick," she kept on and then a.s.sured, "And it"s not a betrayal. Honey, you know..." he felt her get even closer, "it"s been years."
"There"s someone else," he murmured.
"Good," she replied.
He turned to her. "I can"t have her."
Her mouth turned down. "Bad."
Nick looked back to the night. "Maybe I should just get the f.u.c.k outta Denver and start over."
"Well, although an option, I do think Kasha would pitch an unholy fit at the very thought. Kat wouldn"t be far from her sister in that, but she"d be quieter about it. And your brother would lose his mind."
Nick loved that at the same time it felt heavy.
He also felt Anya"s fingers curl around his.
"But you have to take care of you," she whispered.
He looked down at her and dipped his face close. "Could you fall in love after Knight?"
She was still whispering but it was fierce when she said, "Never."
He felt that muscle in his jaw tick.
"But that doesn"t mean I wouldn"t-" she tried to go on.
It was jacked as s.h.i.t, but after their beginning and how Nick had acted out during it, now Nick couldn"t stomach even thinking about the idea of Anya with another man.
So Nick cut her off, "We should stop talking."
"If you feel something for someone else, Nick, that doesn"t mean-"
"How about feeling everything for her?" Nick asked, definitely laying it out now. Laying it out for Anya and admitting s.h.i.t out loud he hadn"t even admitted to himself. "When that was only supposed to be for Hettie. What does that mean?"
She looked confused again, and uneasy to the point of looking frightened. "It means I don"t understand why you can"t have her."
"For her safety."
"That makes no sense."
He shook his head again. "Unfortunately, I can"t explain further."
"No, Nick, what I mean is, there is no safer place on the planet for a woman than with the man she loves."
Nick stared at his brother"s woman, unable to speak.
She jolted him out of his silence with just, "Nick-"
"I was right there and that place wasn"t safe for Hettie when they took her life," he stated.
"Unfortunately Hettie isn"t here to confirm what I"m going to say but I figure she"d disagree," she replied gently. "If her life had to be taken, you being there when it was was the only safe thing she had in her last moments."
Anya was right. Hettie would confirm that. He knew it the way her eyes never left him. He knew, even unable to save her, he gave her something just by being there and her knowing he loved her and just how much as Harkin raised the gun to her head.
"Your new girl-" Anya went on.
"It wasn"t supposed to happen with her. It shouldn"t happen. It can"t," he told her.
She glanced briefly toward the kitchen again before looking to Nick and declaring on a squeeze of his hand, "And those are the times when you know it"s real. When it shouldn"t be. When it wasn"t supposed to be. When you aren"t supposed to let it. And there"s nothing on this earth that can stop it." Her tone went cautious. "Isn"t that what happened with Hettie?"
"This is different," he shared.
"How?" she asked.
"As much as I love what you said, babe, I am the last thing that"s safe for this woman."
"I don"t understand."
"And I love that you don"t," Nick said, jerking his head to the kitchen. "That means he protects you from that, Anya. You don"t feel it. All you feel is what he gives you to make you safe. But there are women out there who are not as lucky as you and we"re talkin" about one of them. Life is complicated and it"s ugly and that ugly can be extreme. I got a job to do and she"s in the middle of that. If she knew she had a choice, she"d have the choice of ugly or uglier. And I"m the latter."
"I know life is complicated, Nick, but love isn"t."
"And my brother gives that to you too."
"No, it"s just the way it is and you had a version of this with Hettie where you two had no business being together and neither of you cared. An agent and informant falling in love during a dangerous operation?" She shook her head. "You both knew that was risky for a variety of reasons. You both went for it. You had what you had and now I hope you"re glad you took that shot because the world made it so you didn"t have it for very long but at least you can rest in the knowledge that you both had the courage to go for it. What"s different with this girl?"
"What"s different with this girl is the same. I don"t handle s.h.i.t just right, one, the other or both of us could get dead. I had that once, Anya. Not big on experiencing it again."
She stared up at him.
Then she said, "Nick, honey, we really need to find you a girl who isn"t at risk of mortal danger." She started to look comically desperate when she suggested, "Maybe we should all start going to church."
Even in his mood, Nick couldn"t bite back the bark of laughter at the thought of Anya dragging him or his brother to a house of G.o.d.
Then again, she"d be doing it to try to find a woman to fix him up with but that made it no less funny.
"Mommy, what"s funny?" Kasha yelled across the living room, and when Nick looked that way, he saw she was already on her way to her mother and uncle to find out closer to the source.
"Grown-up stuff, baby," Anya answered.
That made Kasha"s face set which meant they were going to have to make something up because she wasn"t going to let it go.
But as Anya turned her attention to her daughter, Nick turned his to his brother.
Knight didn"t hide his relief that his woman had made Nick laugh. Nick had tried to hide his mood but he knew he was s.h.i.t at it.
Knight also didn"t hide his continuing concern when Nick caught his eyes.
However, Knight did eventually hide it when Kat got his attention.
It would be much later, when the girls were in bed and Anya was shuffling around in the kitchen on the phone with her friend Viv that it would be Knight"s turn.
The music playing low, both of them on the couch in the sunken living room, both of them with drinks, Knight murmured, "Somehow, she tied you up."
"I"m untied," Nick lied.
Knight appeared to be proceeding cautiously when he said low, "Seems you got a thing for the girl you can"t have."
He didn"t proceed cautiously enough.