"Look here!" I said, rising to my feet. "No one has asked me! I am determined to see this thing through to the finish as I want more than anything, whatever the cost, to rid myself of this accursed burden and walk straight!"
"Well done, Thingy!" applauded Conn. "We"re all behind you-"
But The Ancient had caught at my words-and I suspect that he had chosen them for me even as I spoke. I sat down again sharply. "Whatever the cost?
Whatever-the-cost? Whatever?" His voice, heavy and pregnant with meaning, filled the sudden silence until there was no room for further thought. "Think, oh think, my children of what I warned you, so long ago! You have forgotten, I believe, what I said . . ."
Yes, we had.
"I said then, and I repeat it most solemnly now: whatever we gain in this life must be paid for-"
"But we are about to give something back that we never asked for in the first place-"
He glared at me. "Did I say different? So-you offer back your burdens, in return for what?"
"Freedom from pain," I suggested. "A straight back, mended wing, whole paw, open mouth, clear head-"
"And do you not think that these also must be paid for?" he thundered, rising to his feet and towering above us, his robe drawn close about him. For a breathless instant I caught a glimpse once more of a younger, sterner warrior, helmed and dour-faced. "How can you have the presumption to imagine that life will then become a bed of mosses, free from trouble? The unicorn here has admitted that perhaps his motives have altered: can you be sure that you will not change also? All of you?"
"All right," I said, and stood up again. "Remind us. Tell us again of the cost we shall bear, that once before we said we could discount. Tell us what we have to lose, we who have nothing save pain and burden. What could possibly be worse than that?"
For a moment he glared at me, then slowly his hand came out to pat my head, very gently. "Why, nothing but the loosing. That is it. The loosing not only of the burdens but also of the bonds . . . Come, sit down. And listen."
He sat down by the fire and I followed suit, but immediately coughed at the crawling smoke. Almost abstractedly the old man waved his hand and the smoke gathered itself up from the floor, formed a wavery pillar and found the roof-exit.
"That"s better . . . Listen well, my children, for I shall say this just once more."
He turned to me. "You said just now "We have nothing but burden and pain . .
." Now, is that entirely true?" I opened my mouth, but he waved me to silence.
"None of your silly remarks now about being alive, food in your belly, clothes . . . Think, child, think! Look about you . . ."
"What I think he means, dear one," said Moglet, crawling onto my lap, "is that we have each other. That we all belong together, after our quest more than ever. That we love each other. That we have been through so much, shared so much, that we are more like one than five."
"O wise kitten," said The Ancient softly.
"And not just five," said Conn, smiling and leaning over to tickle Moglet"s ears. "For have we not, the unicorn and I, shared your travels?"
"I like that," said Puddy ruminatively, a couple of sentences behind. "The seven who are one . . . Yes."
"Mmmm," said Corby. "Not bad; never thought of it that way meself. But now as you comes to mention it . . ."
"Comradeship," said Pisky, bubbling happily, "is one of the finest gifts one can ever expect, my great-great-grandmother used to say. When I was swimming around in shoals with my brothers and sisters and cousins and second cousins and half-brothers and half-sisters and-"
I dipped my little finger in his bowl. "Yes, dear one, it is." I was ashamed.
When I had spoken so carelessly a few minutes ago, I had not really meant to sound callous and unthinking. I knew that I loved my companions and that they loved me, but I had been with the idea so long, took it so much for granted, that it was as much a part of me now as-as my mask. As night and day. As loving Conn, in a way that was not quite the same as loving the others .
"So you have all this," said the old man, no doubt reading my mind, "and you have your burdens. To you these burdens are your greatest handicap, the one thing you wish to be rid of-and once rid, you will be happy?"
"Of course!"
"And once Sir Knight has his sword and the unicorn his horn-then you will all be happy and all your problems will be solved?"
"Well, you know now that I shall be pitifully sorry to say goodbye to my friends, but I shall need to find my way to some indulgent duke or princeling who needs a mercenary-" Conn scowled suddenly. I reckoned he had remembered his armour again.
"And I can join my kindred again," said Snowy. "Or not . . . At least I shall have the choice . . ." There seemed to be more to this than I understood, but I could see The Ancient did.
"And we," I nodded at my friends, "must find somewhere to live, and the means of livelihood too . . ." I had not seriously considered this before. I supposed I could work at something to keep us all going, but what? Perhaps we could build a little cottage somewhere in the woods and grow our own produce and-and Moglet could catch mice and Puddy and Corby and Pisky would be all right, and I could gather mushrooms . . . No point in working it out in too much detail now. Getting rid of our burdens was the most important thing. It was! I could see the others were following my thought processes and agreeing, but- The Ancient threw some powdery stuff on the fire and of a sudden it flared blue and a strange, sweet smell stole into-our noses, I was going to say, but it was more like our minds, and the perfume acted like a dousing of cold water, waking us up, sharpening what little wits we had, and I suddenly realized what he had been trying to say.
"The loosing? You are telling us that when-when we are whole again, we shall be so busy being ourselves again-real animals and people-that we shall not need each other anymore? That we shall be happy to split up, each to go his own way?" I knew we should lose Snowy and that I should never see my beloved Conn again, but the others? "Rubbish! We shall always want to be together, shan"t we?"
They all agreed. Of course . . .
"And the forgotten years?" came the creaky, inexorable voice. "The years you have all forgotten? How long do you think you were with the witch? Now, you live in an enchantment of arrested and forgotten time: what happens when your memories return? And how old will you be? Were you with her five minutes, two days, six months, seven years? That time will have to be paid for, you know: soon, if all goes well, you will be as old as you really are. And those years will have gone and you will be left with what remains of your normal span-"
"Golden king-carp live for fifty years and more," said Pisky bravely, but his voice was smaller than usual. "My great-aunt on my father"s side said her great-great-great-grandfather was over eighty . . ."
"Cats have nine lives-"
"Crows don"t do so badly, neither!"
"And toads are noted for their longevity . . ."
"And I," I said slowly, "don"t know how old I am, but I don"t think it matters.
And I don"t think I have anything to go back to either. There is only forwards .
. . Oh, why do you have to muddle us so!" I turned on The Ancient in a fury.
"I"d never have thought about all this, but for you!"
"But you had to! You must not believe that just because your burdens are removed all your problems will be solved! You must not think that life will then be yours to do with as you will! I have to warn you-and not only you five jewel-bearers, but the knight and the unicorn too! You think that all your dreams will come true, just as you have planned, and it may not be so!"
"I don"t care!" I turned to the others. "Just as we are so near our goal, just as we are about to realize our dearest wishes-don"t listen to his gloomy forecasts! After all we have been through-" I turned back to our tormentor "-you don"t think we will just give up, do you?"
"No. I did not expect it for one instant. I only wanted to remind you not to expect things to turn out exactly as you planned." He smiled brilliantly, and his face was transformed. "Thank the G.o.ds that you are all children of Earth!
Yes, even you at times, my friend." He nodded at Snowy. "The world will never die when there are brave idiots such as you." He smiled. "Just remember that you always have a choice . . . And now, my children, my weary travellers, I will give you all one more thing to counter all that wearisome advice." He waved his hands and the lights in the wayward fire turned rose and green and violet and gold and we fell asleep in a moment, just where we were, and slept dreamlessly and deep.
And, in the morning when we awoke, he was gone.
The Binding: All
The Black Mountain
The first part was relatively easy, and the weather was with us. The lower slopes of the so-called Black Mountain-nearer to it was more dark grey, but littered with shiny black rocks that seemed to absorb the light, making it all look darker from a distance-were made up of hummocky ground bisected by small, cold streams that were no barrier to hurrying feet. Now that we were on the last lap, everyone was eager to finish the marathon endeavour as soon as possible. On the second day, however, it began to rain, rain that penetrated our furs and feathers and skins, and by nightfall we were grateful for the shelter of a cl.u.s.ter of pines that clung grimly, roots deep in crevices, to the inhospitable rock. We lit a fire, inadequate barrier to the cold stone beneath and the colder sky. By morning it had begun to snow; fine, thin snow as small as salt with none of the largesse of the patterned crystals that had delighted my eyes as a child-as a child! A sudden memory of stars on my window ledge . . . Gone. But this snow was different. It was hard as hail and ran away beneath our feet, only to circle back behind and around our ankles and paw up the backs of our legs. Before us we could see it form trickles, streams, rivers, sheets, whirlpools in the towering obsidian rocks above, pouring and falling and tumbling down to meet us.
The going became increasingly treacherous, for though Snowy"s unerring hooves found a track of sorts that led up towards the top, yet it twisted and turned-one moment edging a creva.s.se, another stealing behind a b.u.t.tress and yet again scaling in steps straight up the mountain. Gone were the sheltering trees. Only that morning we had seen our last, a twisted ash bent like an old woman, an incredible last bunch of skeleton keys clinging to the lowest branch, twig-fingers rattling them as if in an ague. Dark clouds raced overhead and no sun shone. Now there was only a lace-pattern of lichen, dank mosses, dead bracken, a few tufts of gra.s.s and once in this twilight world we saw five goats, their wild yellow eyes glaring, slanting in single file down the shoulder of the mountain towards the kinder shelter of the valleys beneath.
Only at night did the snow cease completely. Then the moon shone on a scene so desolate, so forlorn, that she would have been better to hide her face. We were halfway up the mountain by now but the climb, the lack of food and the thin air were all beginning to take their toll. That night we scarcely seemed to sleep at all in spite of our weariness, and used the last of our precious store of wood, our fire a brief and brave candle, and as near comfortless.
An inch of ice formed in Pisky"s bowl, and in the morning Conn took his pack, unwrapped it and put on his rusty armour.
""Tis only a further burden for poor Snowy here, and mayhap it will keep out a few of the draughts, rust and all . . ."
We continued our upward climb, clawing, slipping and stumbling, eyes half- closed from the bitter chill which rimed our eyelashes and made my teeth ache. The last of the food-oatmeal, apple and honey-we had eaten that morning, and the summit of the mountain seemed as far away as ever. My hands and feet ached with cold and the tears froze on my cheeks under the mask. Now Conn had rucked Corby within his cloak and looped a corner of it into his belt to hold Pisky"s bowl. I had Moglet inside my jerkin and Puddy permanently in my pocket. Only Snowy seemed unaffected, but the breath from his nostrils came like plumed smoke.
At last we could go no further, although the sun was still a red ball in the southwestern sky. We crawled onto a wide shelf beneath an overhang of rock, too exhausted to speak. Moglet voiced what, I think, most of us felt.
"We"re not going to get there! We"re going to die . . ."
"Nonsense!" I said immediately, not because I believed what I was saying but because she was smaller and needed comforting. Conn echoed me at once, and much more convincingly.
"Blather and winderskite, kitten! Of course we"ll get there!"
"Let me lie down-so," said Snowy, and positioned himself on the outer edge of the shelf so that he formed a retaining wall. "Now, if you put the creatures next to me and you, Thing dear, put your feet by me and Sir Knight sits behind you . . . That"s better, isn"t it?"
And indeed it was. Somehow that wonderful white creature threw out a warmth that thawed the fingers and toes and doubts of us all.
"And now," he said, "I think it is time for that little packet in your pack."
"Little packet?"
"Remember that evening in the forest with Tom Trundleweed, and the mushrooms?"
"Of course! The Mouse-Dugs . . ." I scrabbled frantically in the almost-empty haversack. At last I found the desiccated remains and held them up to Snowy.
"How much?"
"Divide one between cat, crow and toad, and a sprinkle in the fish"s bowl," he suggested. "I want none. Take two for yourself and three for Sir Knight. Let them lie first beneath your tongue to moisten, then chew them slowly . . ."
At first there was nothing, then gradually a warmth and fullness crept into my belly. The drug was quicker-acting on the animals. One by one they started talking. Pisky bubbled away of what he was going to eat when his pearl was gone, Puddy explained how much time he would have for constructive thought and philosophy once rid of the emerald, Corby described his antic.i.p.ations of flight, and Moglet purred and licked her diamonded paw and thought of mice, until all at once they fell asleep. Moglet even snored a little.
I leant back and there was Conn"s chest behind me, his mailed shoulder a pillow for my head. He didn"t seem to mind, just shifted a little so that he was wedged more comfortably against the rock face, his knees on either side of me.
"They"ve got themselves all sorted out, haven"t they?" he said.
"Mmmm. I hope it"s all as instantaneous as they hope. Won"t it leave a dent in Puddy"s head? And, after all, if one hasn"t flown for a while . . . ?"
"It"ll all take time, I guess, but the loss of pain and inconvenience will be enough for a while, I suppose. Your stomach, fr"instance: that"ll stop aching, but you won"t be able to stand upright properly for a while. Your bones will have become used to being in a different position."
"Yours should be easier: one moment two halves of a sword, then suddenly-"
"If it works. If the dragon condescends to help. If he"s in a good mood. If he"s even there . . ."
""Course he is! We"ll give him our jewels first, then he"ll be in a good mood for you . . . No, perhaps it would be better to give him one, then get your sword mended, give him one more, then ask for Snowy . . . Or perhaps two first, then Snowy, and once he had his horn back he could help to persuade the dragon with his magic and-"
"Stop whittering, child!" and Conn put his arms round me and squeezed.
"G.o.d! you"re as skinny as a starved rabbit!" And as I protested he shushed me.
"Don"t talk too loud, they"re all asleep . . ." Glancing round, I saw that Snowy"s white lashes, the last to close, were lying in a calm fringe on his cheeks.
"Never mind about planning about dragons: let what will be happen . . ."
"That"s not really the philosophy of a soldier, I shouldn"t have thought." I snuggled closer.
He rested his chin on my head and I could imagine him staring out into the dark night, a frown of concentration between his brows. "No . . . Most military actions are planned, methodical-that"s if we are hunting down an enemy, of course-but there is always a h.e.l.l of a lot of waiting around just polishing up arms, tending the horses, mending gear . . . Of course in an ambush it"s training plus instinct. And then there"s the awful antic.i.p.ation when two forces are drawn up opposite one another, each waiting for the other"s attack; you spend the days with your stomach a"churn and the nights on your knees, praying, afraid to rest your head in case the other side takes advantage of the dark. You have to wait too for the high-ups to decide when and where: that"s how planning comes into it. But it"s never your decision. For all you know you may be sacrificed as a diversion, a suicide troop, or may spend your time fuming in the rear as a reserve that never gets used at all-"
"Doesn"t sound much fun to me," I observed.
"It"s a way of life. Besides, what else is there for a youngest son with no skills but his sword and a touch, perhaps, of the old blarney?" I could hear the smile round the words.
"Blarney?"
"Aye, there"s an old stone somewhere in Hirland, so they say, where they hang you by your heels to reach it and if you manage to touch it with your lips then you can charm the la.s.sies into Kingdom-Come with just words. Me mother said as I had no need to seek it . . . Said it came as natural as a hen laying eggs . . ." The mushrooms made his voice more lilting. He shifted a little to make us both more comfortable. "And, believe you me, there were times when I found it useful." He laughed out loud. "Why, I could tell you such tales! When I attended my first court I had no idea at all what was expected of me . . .
"I had just been accepted in one of the courts of Brittanye on the recommendation of my father"s name-for a grand warrior he was, and his name good as a pa.s.sword in all the lands across the water-and there was I, but a sc.r.a.p of a lad from the bogs of Hirland with nothing to my name save the horse I rode, a second-hand suit of clothes and my father"s sword, pitched of a sudden a.r.s.e-over-noddle into the silks and jewels and soft hands of a parcel of women, the likes of whom I had never seen before! Plucked were their eyebrows and oiled their skins and painted their eyes and lips, and they walked small but tall in their pattens, like cripples, and swayed their hips and fluttered their scarves till I was as helpless as a newborn babe! And if it hadn"t been that as a lad of fifteen I had already spent time with the la.s.ses at home and learnt to give them pleasure, I would have had problems, I promise you.
"They all thought, you see, that it would be amusing to sport a little with me.
Until I knew what it was all about, I played the innocent and listened to their soft words and pretended I did not know what lay behind them. It did not take me long to realize that they all suffered from the same thing: their lords were so often away at war, and worn out with battling when they returned, and had no time for the soft words, the strokes and caresses, that they were all like pullets without the c.o.c.kerel. So, when one day they said I had to pa.s.s this test they had planned for me, and that six of the chosen ladies were to visit me one night to initiate me into the ways of the court, I knew what was coming.
"For three days I ate lamb"s fries, bull"s pizzle and herring roe and bathed in rose water till I was surfeited and stank in my own nostrils, but when they came I was ready for them and serviced them all, one after the other, with flattering words and pleasant courtesies between, till the eyeb.a.l.l.s fair popped from their heads and they declared themselves worn out!" He chuckled again.
"Took me a week to recover, so it did, but after that I could do no wrong. They declared I was a poet of the bedchamber, so they did!"
I think he had temporarily forgotten to whom he was talking, for he had never disclosed his past so freely before and the topic was not the most suitable for the youngster he obviously considered me. But I stayed quiet and did not remind him, for I was where I had always longed to be, in his arms, albeit as unregarded as a pup or a child"s wooden doll. It was only gradually, I think, that I had fully realized my good fortune, for the drug we had chewed, while heightening our sensibilities in some ways, made stranger things as acceptable as they would be in dreams. So, it was only now that I realized the full implications of Conn"s arms about me and I had to hide my jubilation, for it was in me to tremble and shake and behave as those women he had spoken of, perfumed and pretty and seductive in silks. Except that I was not like them and never could be, ugly and crooked and poor as I was!
But my love for him was beautiful, more beautiful even than they could ever be, for I loved him without subterfuge. I did not desire him from boredom, or the joy of conquest or in rivalry. I loved him firm and true and plain. Not unquestioningly, for we had travelled too long together for that, but acceptingly and thankfully, for he was a man who deserved to be loved and cherished, even if only in secret.
"I can see you cannot wait to get back to it all," I said wistfully, and with no hint of sarcasm. "I suppose the Castle of Fair Delights was a bit like that court?"
"Something like. But do you know, Thingy, the good life can pall after a while?
A man can yearn for the simpler things, he can become tired of trailing across indifferent country through all the seasons to face an enemy he has never met, and would probably drink with instead of fighting if he had the chance. I was bored, for too long, and too often." He relaxed his arms about me. "That"s why, I suppose, I began to spend so much time with the surgeons-"
"Surgeons?"