"Perhaps I don"t."
"What do you mean? Ever since I first met you we have been trying to find out where you live, and no one has been more insistent than you! We have traveled hundreds of miles-never mind your blisters, you should see mine!- and have gone through great dangers, faced starvation, sc.r.a.ped and scrounged for every penny, crossed innumerable provinces, just so that we can bring you to the bosom of your family once more! You can"t mean at this late stage that you don"t want to go home, you just can"t!"
His blind eyes were fixed unseeingly on his boots. He muttered something I couldn"t catch, so I asked him to repeat it.
"I said: what use to anyone is a blind knight?"
Dear Christ, I had never thought of that. How terrible! When first I had rescued him I had thought of nothing but helping him to recover, largely, now I admitted, for my own gratification. His blindness had been an inconvenience for him, but a bonus for me. It had meant I could worship him unseen; feed him, clothe him, wash him, cut his hair and beard, touch him, hold his hand. . . . And all without him realizing how fat and ugly I was. Facing it now, I could see that all I had wanted was his dependence, in a false conviction that that would bring me love. And also boost my own self- importance: was that why I had also taken on a hungry tortoise, a broken pigeon, a decrepit horse? Just so that they would pander to my ego by being grateful to me? Dear G.o.d, I hoped not: I hoped it was the gentler emotion of compa.s.sion, but how could I be sure? I had had little choice with Growch, and the Wimperling was almost forced on me, but the others? It didn"t bear thinking of.
And now my beloved Gill had faced me with an impossible question: what, indeed, was there for a blind knight? Knights fought in battles, competed in tourneys, hunted, went on Crusades-what did a knight know save of arms?
Would his overlord, the king from oversea, want a man incapable of warring?
Quick, Summer, think of something. . . .
"There are plenty of things you can do," I said briskly. "People will still obey your commands, won"t they? A blind man can still ride a horse, play an instrument, sing a song, run an estate, make wise judgments, and . . . and . . ."
I had to think of something else. "Remember what that wise physician, Suleiman, said? He foretold you would regain your memory, as you have, and he also said there was nothing wrong with your eyes that time also couldn"t cure. He said you could regain your sight suddenly, any day!"
I don"t think he was listening. There was something even more pressing at the back of his mind. "Of what use is a blind husband?"
I was about to observe that most lovemaking took place in the dark anyway, but suddenly realized just how much he must be fearing rejection: some women wouldn"t consider allying themselves to a blind man, never mind that to me it would be an advantage. But then, I wasn"t beautiful. . . . I remembered that Mama had told me that a man"s pride was his greatest emotion. Let"s give him a boost and a get-out, however frivolous the latter.
I put my arms about him and hugged him. "Any woman would be crazy to look elsewhere!" I said comfortingly. "A handsome man such as you? Why, if she won"t have you, I will!" I added in a lighthearted, teasing way. "We shall take to the road again, you and I, and have many more adventures, until your sight is returned. We"ll go back and stay with Matthew the merchant for a start, and-" I stopped, because his hands had sought the source of my voice, and now they cupped my face.
"You know, you are the kindest and most warmhearted woman I have ever known," he said, then leaned forward and kissed me. "And I don"t think I shall ever forget you. Tell me, Summer, are you as pretty as your voice? If so, I might even take you up on your offer," and now his voice was as light and teasing as mine had been.
I leapt to my feet, my stomach churning, my face red as a ripe apple, my mind all topsy-turvy. It was the first time he had ever offered me a gesture of affection. Why now? I screamed inside, why now when you are so near home and in a few hours I am going to lose you? If he had told me before of his fears, if he had once shown me any love, then I would have ensured it took twice as long to reach here. And now how I regretted refusing his love-making attempt: what would it have mattered if he had thought me someone else?
What would have been simpler than to take what he offered and enjoy it, then perhaps confess to him afterwards?
But all I said was: "You can judge of that when you can see again. But the offer"s open. . . ." in my gruffest voice, adding: "Enough of all this nonsense!
Let"s get you cleaned up, bathed and properly dressed, so you will not disgrace us all. And I must do the animals as well. . . ." and I grabbed Growch, who had gathered the main import of what I had been talking of in human speech, and was about to disappear down the road.
Luckily there was a meandering stream not far away through the trees, and though it was summer-low I managed to dunk the dog and comb out the worst of the fleas, and freshen up the pig. Then I gave Gill an all-over, my eyes and hands perhaps lingering too long on those special parts that would soon belong to another. I trimmed his beard and mustache as close as I could and cut his hair, then gave him a fresh shirt and the new blue-embroidered surcoat.
There was little I could do for myself except bathe, plaiting my hair, donning a fresh shift and the woolen dress Matthew had given me, but I felt clean and more comfortable. One bonus was to find some watercress to supplement our bread and cheese.
We still had several miles to walk before we reached Gill"s home. Once we found the left-hand turning we were bounded by forest on both sides, and the road narrowed to a wheel-rutted track, but after a mile or so we came to a pair of gates that seemed to be permanently fastened back, and through them the road wound among orchard trees and harvested fields towards a fortified manor house some half-mile away. There were few people about, and no one challenged us as I led Gill slowly towards his home.
It was now late afternoon, but the sun had lost little of its heat and we finished off the water in the flask and I picked three apples from those near- ripe. Then another and another for the Wimperling, who had suddenly decided they were his favorite food. I picked them quite openly, for there were none to see, save a boy coaxing some swine back from acorns in the forest, and a gin with her geese picking at the stubble. Besides, I thought, these are Gill"s orchards, or will be some day.
I started to describe our surroundings to him, but I had no need. Now his memory was nearly complete once more, he could smell, hear, taste and touch his own land; at first tentatively, then more a.s.sured as he described what lay on either side of us as we pa.s.sed. Here a copse, there a stream, crabapples on one side, late pears on the other, and he even antic.i.p.ated the flags flying from the gateway.
As he drew nearer I could see that his memory of the grandness of the manor house was a little exaggerated, like most fond memories. It was nothing special; we had pa.s.sed much grander on our travels. The original structure was of wood, in two stories, but a high stone wall now surrounded it, embracing also the courtyard, stables, kitchens and stores; outside, small hovels housed the workers, though everything seemed empty and deserted.
"Entertainers?" said the porter at the side gate. "Everyone"s welcome today, even your beasts. Round to your right you"ll find the kitchens. Tonight"s the Grain Supper: always held on this day, come rain or shine." And he went back to gnawing at what was left of a large mutton bone.
"This is ridiculous!" protested Gill, as we started off again across the courtyard, also deserted. "I belong here: this is my home! What in G.o.d"s name are we doing creeping round like a couple of thieves? Just lead me over to the main door-no, I can find my own way!"
"Wait!" I said, catching hold of his arm. "Let"s not rush it. You don"t want to give them all heart failure! Let"s surprise them gently. Listen a moment, and I"ll tell you what we"ll do. . . ."
Leaving Gill and the animals outside, I went to the kitchens and was given a large bowl of mutton stew and a loaf of the "poor-bread" I remembered as a child, before Mama could afford better: the grain was mixed with beans, peas and pulses, and this was fresh as an hour ago and very filling. We ate hungrily, sitting in the courtyard with our backs to a sunny wall, then I went back and asked to see the steward, asking permission to perform in the Great Hall later. As it happened there were a juggler and a minstrel already waiting, but we were added to the list.
All that remained was to keep out of the way of anyone who might recognize Gill, and a couple of hours later I was waiting nervously at the side door, Gill tucked away in the shadows with the hood of his cloak pulled well down over his face, Growch and the Wimperling at his side. As the minstrel sang the song of Roland, I peeped into the hall; so thick with smoke, I could barely see the top table, but obviously the thick-set, bearded man must be Gill"s father, the thin woman with the tall headdress his mother. And there, sitting beside Gill"s father, was a slim woman with long blond hair fastened back with a fillet: the fair Rosamund, if I wasn"t mistaken. I wished I could see her more clearly.
Beside me the kitchen servants brushed past, ducking their heads automatically as they pa.s.sed under the low lintel, laden with dishes and jugs, though this was the last course: fruits in aspic, nuts and cheese, so there was more clearing away than replenishing.
The juggler had pa.s.sed back to the kitchens a half-hour ago, jingling coins in his hand, and now the minstrel was coming to the end of his recital. There was polite applause, the tinkle of thrown coins, and a hum of conversation as the singer made his way back to the kitchens. Our turn next: I don"t think I had ever felt so nervous in my life.
One of the varlets announced us. "Entertainers from the south, with a song or two and some tricks to divert . . ."
Growch "danced" to my piping, somersaulted, rolled over and over, nodded or shook his head as required and "died" for his king, then the Wimperling did some very simple counting; a) because I was nervous to the point of nearly wetting myself and b) wanting to get it all over and done with, at the same time fearing the outcome-a little like having severe toothache and knowing the tooth-puller was just around the corner; it was the last few steps to his door that were the worst.
I finished the tricks to a good deal of applause and dismissed the animals, picking up the coins that were thrown and putting them in my pocket. "Thank you ladies, knights, and gentle-persons all. If I may crave your indulgence, my partner and I will conclude with a song," and taking a candle branch boldly from one of the side tables I walked back to the doorway where Gill was waiting, his hood hiding his face.
"When I come to the right words," I whispered, "throw back your hood, hold the candles high and march through the doorway, straight ahead. I"ll come and meet you."
Walking back to the s.p.a.ce in front of the high table I started to sing, beating a soft accompaniment on my tabor. It was an old favorite, the one where the knight rides away to seek his fortune.
A knight rode away.
In the month of May, All on a summer"s day; "I shall not stray, Nor lose my way, But return this way, On St. Valentine"s Day. . . ."
It had several verses, with lots of to-ra-lays in between, and I had to sing quickly to turn "Valentine" to "Cosmos and Damien." The ballad tells of how news came to the knight"s fiancee that he was dead; she visits a witch and sells her soul to the Devil in order that her beloved will return. And, of course, he returns, the rumor of his death having been exaggerated, right on the day he foretold. Just as she calls on the Devil to redeem his promise she hears the voice of the knight. This was Gill"s cue, and his clear tenor rang out through the hall.
"I have returned as I said, I am not dead, But astray was led. . . ."
I answered his words with the words of the song: "Knave, knight or pelf: Come show yourself!"
Gill threw back the hood of his cloak, held the candles high and stepped firmly forward. There was a hush from the audience, then a m.u.f.fled scream as his face was illuminated. He hesitated for a moment on the threshold, then threw back his head and marched briskly forward.
And then it happened.
There was a crack! that echoed all around as his head came into contact with the low lintel of the doorway. He teetered for a moment, rocking back and forth on his heels, then dropped like a stone to the rushes.
I ran forward with my heart full of terror and reached his side, kneeling to take his poor head in my arms, looking with horror at the red mark across his forehead where he had struck.
"Gill! Gill . . . Are you all right?"
He opened his eyes, thank G.o.d! and stared straight up at me.
"That b.l.o.o.d.y door was always too low. . . . And who the h.e.l.l are you?"
Chapter Twenty.Seven.
After that everything became confused.
I got up, was knocked down, rose again and tripped over the Wimperling and Growch, was overwhelmed by a great rush of bodies, flung this way and that, buffeted and elbowed. I saw Gill embraced, hugged, kissed, slapped on the back, borne off, brought back, cried over. Women fainted, men wept, dogs howled; trenchers, mugs, jugs, cups, food, drink littered the rushes. Trestles and small tables were overturned, candles burned dangerously and the clamor of voices threatened to bring down the roof.
Little by little the animals and I found ourselves, from being at the center of the fuss, to being on the fringes of the activity. Behind us was the door to the kitchens. I looked at them, they looked at me, and with one accord we marched off. The kitchens had been abandoned as the staff heard the commotion in the Great Hall, and we found ourselves alone, surrounded by the detritus of the Grain Supper in all its sordidness. Unwashed dishes, greasy pans, empty jugs; bread crusts, bones, fish heads, chicken wings littered the tables and floor, and half-eaten mutton and beef showed where kitchen supper had been left for the excitement elsewhere.
"Well . . ." I said, and sat down suddenly on a convenient stool. There didn"t seem anything else to say.
Growch was sniffing round. "Pity to waste all this," he said, helping himself to a rib of beef almost as big as he was.
The Wimperling rested his chin on my lap. "Give it all time to settle down," he said. "He"ll remember about us later. In the meantime, why not stock up on a bit of food and drink and find a stable or something to settle in for the night?"
I scratched his chin affectionately. "Why not?"
There were some boiling cloths drying on a rack, so I wrapped up a whole chicken, slightly charred, three black puddings, a cheese and onion pasty and a half-empty flagon of wine, and crept away guiltily to the courtyard. The stables were all full, but I found a small room that must have been used for stores, but was now empty except for a heap of sacks in one corner and a pile of rush baskets. The whole place smelled pleasantly of apples.
We could still hear sounds of revelry and carousing from the direction of the Great Hall, but it was full dark outside by now, so I closed the door and lit my lanthorn and we shared out the food. I had half the chicken and all the crispy skin, and the pasty, and I shared the rest of the chicken and the black puddings among the other two, though the Wimperling said the latter could be cannibalism.
"I thought you said you didn"t know whether you were a pig or not," I said sleepily, for it had been a long day and the unaccustomed wine was making me feel soporific. I arranged the sacks to make a comfortable bed for us.
"True," said the Wimperling. "And I"m still not sure. . . ."
"Then pretend you"re something else. A prince in disguise . . ."
Growch snorted.
We were wakened at dawn by an almighty hullabaloo. I was grabbed from the pile of sacks and held, struggling, between two surly men; another had hold of the Wimperling"s tail and was hauling him towards the door and two others were trying to corner a snapping, snarling Growch. The storeroom seemed to be full of people all jabbering away, pointing at me, the animals. What had we done? Then I remembered the food I had filched from the kitchens the night before: was I about to lose a hand for thieving?
"Is this the one?" shouted one of the men who was holding me.
The steward stood in the doorway, consulting a piece of vellum. "A girl, named of Summer; a pig and a small dog. Seems we"ve got "em. Well done, lads." And, addressing me: "Is your name Summer?"
What point in denying it? "Let the animals alone: they"ve done nothing!" I suddenly remembered. "I demand to see Gill-Sir Gilman, immediately!
There"s been some mistake. . . ."
He thrust the piece of vellum back in his pocket. "You"re all wanted, girl, pig and dog. Do you realize just how long we"ve been looking for you?" He seemed in a very bad temper, and my heart sank. "Why, not a half-hour ago I sent mounted men out to chase you up. . . . Have to send more to recall them. All this fuss and pother, never a moment"s peace. . . . Well, come on then! They"re waiting. . . ." and without giving me time to tidy my hair or smooth down my dress I was hauled across the courtyard, in through the main doorway, across the Great Hall-still full of last night"s somnolent revelers, the smoldering ashes of the fire and a stink of stale food and wine, dogs, guttered candles and torches, vomit and sweat-closely followed by a man carrying the Wimperling, who seemed to have shrunk of a sudden, and three others still trying to catch Growch.
Up a winding stone staircase hidden by an arras behind the top table and we were thrust, carried or chased into a large solar wherein were seated four people: the lord of the manor, Sir Robert, his wife, the golden-haired Rosamund and-and Gill. A Gill close-shaven, handsomer than ever, clad in fine linen and silks. He looked now just as he had when I first saw him: beautiful, haughty and unattainable.
As we were shoved into the room he rose from the settle where he had been holding hands with his affianced, a look of bewilderment on his face as he gazed first at me, then the animals, and back to me again.
"Can it be . . . ?"
The steward gave me a shove in the back that had me down on my knees and addressed Sir Robert. "Is this them, then?"
Sir Robert glanced at his son. "Gilman?" but Gill had started forward, a look of anger on his face as he helped me to my feet.
"Whether it is or no, you have no right to treat a girl like that! Leave us, I will deal with this!" The steward and his men bowed and retreated and Gill looked searchingly into my face. "Is it really you, Summer?"
Of course he had never seen me, except for that time he had asked the way, and he didn"t know it was the same girl. I blushed to the roots of my hair that now he should see me in all my ugliness.
"Yes," admitted finally. "I am Summer. And this is the Wimperling and that is Growch," hoping he would stop staring at me.
"But I had no idea. . . ." He plucked a dried leaf from my hair abstractedly, then took my hands in his again. "I thought-I had thought you were quite different. . . ."
"Blind men have all sorts of strange fancies," I said, then forgot myself to ask anxiously: "You are all right, then? You can see properly again?"
"Apart from a slight headache, yes. You and Suleiman were right. I reckon it was the knock on the head that did it. It all happened so quickly I still feel confused-"
"And so you should!" came a cool voice from behind him and there stood the fair Rosamund, who pulled his hands from mine and tucked them round her arm, all so gently done that it seemed the initiative had come from him. She gazed at me, a faint sneer on her lips. "I"m not surprised you feel confused!
Used as you are to the best, it must have been h.e.l.l for you to traipse around the countryside with this tatterdemalion crew!" Her cold blue eyes raked me from head to foot. "Still, I suppose the girl needs some recompense, before she and her-menagerie-take to the road again." She paused. "I may well have a dress I need no more, though I doubt it would fit. . . ."
"Enough of this!" It was Gill"s tall, thin mother Jeanne who spoke. I had the impression that nothing short of a catastrophe gave her the courage to speak normally, though now of course her beloved Gill"s return must have sparked her into fresh resolution. "The girl brought our son back to us safe and sound, and she deserves the very best we can give her. As long as she wishes to stay, she is our honored guest. As-as are her pets! See that they are accommodated in the hall tonight: I myself will find a length of cloth so she is decently clad."
"The hall?" said Gill. "Father, Mother, nothing less than a good bed will do!
Why, I am sure my betrothed would be only too glad to share her room with Mistress Summer?"
She looked at me as if I had the plague, then turned to Gill as sweet as honey.
"My dearest, whatever you wish. But-" and she flashed me a glance that would have split stone as neatly as any mason"s chisel and hammer: "- perhaps we should ask the young person herself? She may have other ideas. . .
Meaning I had better. She needn"t have worried. The last person in the world I wished to share a bed with was her. Now, if it had been Gill . . . I pulled myself together and addressed Sir Robert and his wife.
"I thank you Sir, Lady, for your kind offer," I said, and curtsied. "The length of cloth would be most welcome, and I can make it up myself. As for accommodation, however, if I might be allowed to sleep in the storeroom where I spent last night, then I can be with our traveling companions, who are used to being with us and have been of great a.s.sistance in our travels, as no doubt Sir Gilman has told you." I curtsied again. "I should also be grateful for hot water for washing and some extra thread: I used the last to make Sir Gilman a surcoat."
There! I thought: that should give them something to think about. Polite, accommodating, clean, thrifty and yet independent, with a couple of reminders of the life we had led and how I had cared for Gill . . . I smiled at him. Never mind my ugliness: he still seemed to care about my welfare.
Sir Robert inclined his head. "As you wish. I shall see to it that the room you prefer is made more comfortable. And now, I think it is time to break our fast.
And while we ate-just below the top table this time: on it would have been too much to ask-the storeroom was transformed. Swept out, sacks and baskets removed, a table, stool and truckle bed installed, hooks for our packages knocked into the wall, two large lanthorns and a pile of straw for the animals-luxury indeed!
After breakfast servants brought hot water, soap, linen towels, and from Gill"s mother came a length of fine woolen cloth in blue, needles and thread, a new comb and ribbons for my hair, and even a new shift: too long, of course, but surprisingly, none too tight. I took it up, cut out my new surcoat, mended my old one, washed and indulged recklessly in the bottle of rosemary oil that came with the soap and towels, washed my other two shifts and st.i.tched my shoes where they were coming undone.
The midday meal was at noon, the evening meal at six, and by that evening I had my new surcoat finished, so for the first time I felt comfortable enough to survey my hosts at my leisure. My position just below the top table gave me ample opportunity to look at both Gill"s parents and his affianced.
Sir Robert was stout rather than tall; he had fierce mustaches and a rather dictatorial manner, but he always treated me with kindness. His wife was normally silent, looked older than her husband, and her usually careworn expression only lightened when she talked to her beloved son. I scarcely recognized him that evening, for he had had his curly hair cropped short like his father"s, to facilitate the wearing of the close-fitting helmet they affected in these parts. I liked him better with it long.