"A point under," she told the nurse. Who insisted to look at it. "I always am. Do I get to go now?"
"Wait here," the nurse said, and went out, leaving her sitting in the d.a.m.n robe and a little cold, the way the hospital always was, people could freeze freeze to death in this place. to death in this place.
In a moment Dr. Ivanov came in. "h.e.l.lo, Ari. Feeling fine?"
"The shot made me sick. I want to go get an orange or something."
"That"s fine. That"s a good idea." He came and took her pulse again. And smiled at her. "A little mad?"
"I"m tired of this. I"ve been in here twice this week. I"m not going to have any blood left."
"Well, your body is going through some changes. You"re just growing up, sweet, that"s all. Perfectly normal. You know a lot of it. But you"re going to take a tape this afternoon. If you have any questions you can call me or Dr. Wojkowski, whichever you"d rather-she might be a little better at this."
She wrinkled her nose, not with any clear idea, really, what he was talking about, except she was embarra.s.sed sitting there in the robe, which was more than she used to sit there in, and suspecting that it had to do with s.e.x and boys and that she was going to be embarra.s.sed as h.e.l.l if she had to listen to Dr. Ivanov explain to her what she had already figured out.
Do you understand? he would ask her every three lines, and: he would ask her every three lines, and: Yes, Yes, she would say, because he would not get through it without that. she would say, because he would not get through it without that.
But he didn"t mention it. He just told her go on to library, she had the tape to do.
They gave it to her to take home to use, on the house machine, so it wasn"t one of the skill ones, that she had to take with a tech.
It certainly wasn"t, she decided, when she saw the t.i.tle. It said Human s.e.xuality. Human s.e.xuality. She was embarra.s.sed in front of the librarian, who was a man, and tucked it into her bag and took it fairly straight home, very glad that Seely was out and Nelly was at her day job and there wasn"t anyone around. She was embarra.s.sed in front of the librarian, who was a man, and tucked it into her bag and took it fairly straight home, very glad that Seely was out and Nelly was at her day job and there wasn"t anyone around.
She applied the patch over her heart and lay down on the couch in the tape lounge and took the pill. When the pill began to work she pushed the b.u.t.ton.
And was awfully glad, in a vague, tape-dazed way, that she hadn"t had to take this one with any tech sitting by her.
There were were things she hadn"t known, things a lot different than horses, and things the same, and things Dr. Edwards had sort of hit on in biology, but not really explained with pictures and in the detail the tape had. things she hadn"t known, things a lot different than horses, and things the same, and things Dr. Edwards had sort of hit on in biology, but not really explained with pictures and in the detail the tape had.
When it was over she lay there recovering from the pill and feeling really funny-not bad. Not bad at all. But like something was going on with her she could not control, that she sure as h.e.l.l didn"t want uncle Denys or Seely to know about.
It certainly had to do with s.e.x. And it was hard to get up finally and get her mind off it. She thought about doing the tape again, not that she was not going to remember, but because she wanted to try out the feeling again, to see if it was the way she remembered it.
Then she thought it might not feel the same, and she didn"t want it not to. So she put the tape back in her bag and because she didn"t want the thing lying around her room where Nelly would find it and look at her funny, she had a gla.s.s of orange juice to get her blood moving again and walked all the way back to the library to drop it in the turn-in slot.
Then she went to lunch and went to cla.s.s, but her concentration was shot to h.e.l.l. Even Dr. Edwards frowned at her when he caught her woolgathering.
She did her write-up on the filly. It was a long day, because people were mostly busy, uncle Denys and Seely and Nelly and everybody, because Florian and Catlin were off since three days ago on a training exercise that was not going to finish till the end of the week.
She went over to the guppy lab to see if Amy was there. Tommy was. Tommy was not who she wanted to see, but she sat and talked with him a little while. Tommy was doing some stuff with the reds that she could give him some information on.
She went home to do more homework. Alone.
"Ari," uncle Denys said, on the Minder, when she had had dinner and she was still doing homework in her room. "Ari, I want to talk with you in my study."
Oh, G.o.d, she thought. Uncle Denys Denys was going to ask her about the tape. was going to ask her about the tape.
She had rather die.
But it was even more embarra.s.sing to make a fuss about it. So she got up and slunk in and stood in uncle Denys" doorway.
"Oh. Ari. There you are."
I"m going to die. die. Right here. On the spot. Right here. On the spot.
"I want to talk with you. Sit down."
G.o.d. I have to look at him.
She sat, and held on to the arms of the chair.
"Ari, you"re getting older. Nelly"s really fond of you-but she"s really not doing much but housework anymore. She really lives with the lab babies. And she"s awfully good at that. I wonder if you"ve thought any more whether you"d like-well, to see Nelly go over to lab full-time. It"s the nature of nurses, you know, the babies grow up."
That was all it was. She drew a long breath, and thought about her room, and how she was all it was. She drew a long breath, and thought about her room, and how she liked liked Nelly, but she liked Nelly better when she wasn"t Nelly, but she liked Nelly better when she wasn"t with with Nelly, because Nelly always had her feelings hurt and was always upset when she wanted to spend more time with Florian and Catlin, and was constantly tweaking at her hair, her clothes, straightening her collar-sometimes Nelly made her want to scream. Nelly, because Nelly always had her feelings hurt and was always upset when she wanted to spend more time with Florian and Catlin, and was constantly tweaking at her hair, her clothes, straightening her collar-sometimes Nelly made her want to scream.
"Sure," she said. "Sure, if she"s she"s all right. I don"t think she"s very happy." all right. I don"t think she"s very happy."
She felt guilty about that, sort of, because Nelly had been maman"s, because Nelly had been hers-because Nelly was-Nelly-and never would understand the way she was now.
And because she was so glad it was about that and not about the other thing she just wanted to agree and get out of there.
She was guilty the next morning when Nelly went to hospital not knowing what they were going to do with her tape this time.
"I"m really not upset," Nelly protested to uncle Denys at the door, with her overnight kit in her hand. "I don"t think I need to."
"That"s fine," uncle Denys said. "I"m glad. But I think you"re due for a check."
A Super said anything that he had to say, to keep an azi from being stressed.
So Nelly came and kissed her goodbye. " "Bye, Nelly," Ari said, and hugged her around the neck, and let her go.
She was able to do that, because letting Nelly know would scare Nelly to death. Only when the door shut she bit her lip hard enough to bleed and said to uncle Denys: "I"m going on to cla.s.s."
"Are you all right, Ari?"
"I"m fine."
But she cried when she got out in the hall, and straightened her face up and wiped her eyes and held it in, because she was not a baby anymore.
Nelly was not going to get hurt; Nelly was going to hospital where they would slide her right over to a job she was happy at, and tell her she had done a wonderful job, her first baby was grown, and she had a whole lot of others that needed her.
It was foolish to cry. It was foolish to cry when it was just part of growing up.
The apartment was going to be lonely until suppertime. She went over to Amy"s to do her homework, and told Amy about Nelly leaving, because she was finally able to talk about it.
"She was in the way anyway," she said. "She was always sniping at Florian and Catlin."
Then she felt mean for saying that.
"How are you feeling?" uncle Denys asked her again at dinner. "Are you all right with Nelly?"
"I"m fine," she said. "I just wish Florian and Catlin would get back.
"Do you want to call them home?"
Right at the end of one of their Exercises. It was very serious to them. So was she, but it was like taking something away from them. "No," she said. "They really like the overnights. Not-like, because they come back all sc.r.a.ped up; but, because they come back all sc.r.a.ped up; but, like, like, you know-they enjoy telling me about it. I don"t need them that bad." you know-they enjoy telling me about it. I don"t need them that bad."
"I"m proud of you," uncle Denys said. "A good Super has to think that way."
She felt a little better then. And went to do her homework ahead, because she could, and she had rather do it and have something to fill her time and have it over with when Florian and Catlin got home.
Except she had a message from the computer when she went in her room.
"Ari," the Minder said. "Check Base One."
"Go ahead," she said, and looked at the screen.
Ari, this is Ari senior.
s.e.x is part of life, sweet. Not the most important part, but this is your coming-of-age lecture. I don"t know how old you are, remember, so I have to keep it simple. Library says you"ve checked out Human s.e.xuality. Human s.e.xuality. Have you had it? Have you had it?
"Yes. Yesterday."
Good. You"re 10 years old. This program is triggered by your medical records.
You"re about to start your monthly cycles, sweet. Welcome to a d.a.m.n unfunny fact of life. Housekeeping has been notified. You"re going to have the appropriate stuff in your cabinet. h.e.l.l of a thing to get caught without. You"ve also had a shot that means you"ll reject any pregnancy. So you don"t have to worry about that, at least. . . because without that, your body"s perfectly capable of it now.
I"m going to leave the what-to and what-with to the tape program, sweet. I figure you know. Probably it"s given you some ideas. I know. I had it too. They"re not bad ideas. I want you to listen to what I"m going to say next with everything you"ve got, like it was tape. This is private, it"s about s.e.x, and it"s one of the most important things I"ll ever have to tell you. Are you alone?
"Yes."
All right.
The ideas you have, sweet, are perfectly natural. Is your pulse a little elevated?
"Yes."
You feel a little flushed?
"Yes."
That"s because you"re thinking about s.e.x. If I asked you to do complicated math you"d probably make a mistake right now. That"s the important lesson, sweet. Biology interferes with logic. There"s two ways to deal with it-do it and get it out of your head, because that feeling explodes like a soap bubble once you"ve done s.e.x-or if it"s somebody you really like, or somebody you don"t like, who upsets you and makes you feel very, very strong reactions, you"d better think a whole lot about doing it, because that kind explodes all right, but it keeps coming back and bothering you. When you get into bed with somebody, you"re not going to be thinking with your brain, sweet, you"ll be thinking with the part of you that doesn"t have anything but feeling, and that"s d.a.m.ned dangerous.
When adults meet, sweet, and start getting to know each other, this is one of the main things that"s different than kids. Kids are quite logical in some ways adults aren"t. That"s why they seem to see character so clearly. But when adults deal with each other, this feeling feeling you"ve begun to get, gets right in the middle of their judgment. you"ve begun to get, gets right in the middle of their judgment.
Now there are some people who just let it take over. And the thing about this feeling is feeling is that it"s playing totally off the emotional level, out of memories, out of what we"re set up to believe is handsome or s.e.xy, a whole lot of things that haven"t got a d.a.m.n thing to do with truth. that it"s playing totally off the emotional level, out of memories, out of what we"re set up to believe is handsome or s.e.xy, a whole lot of things that haven"t got a d.a.m.n thing to do with truth.
There are some people who learn early that they"re very good-looking and that they can make anybody have this feeling about them-and they use it to get what they want. This doesn"t mean they have any feeling inside at all. That"s one reason to watch out who you go to bed with and who you let affect you that way.
There are other times when you get that feeling feeling about somebody who doesn"t have it for you, and that"s one of the hardest things in the world to deal with. But you have to stop it then and let your brain take over, because you don"t get everything you want in this world, and it"s not fair to the other person at all. If you think about it you"ll know how they"d feel, first if they didn"t care for you as a friend and then if they did, and you kept insisting on having your way. about somebody who doesn"t have it for you, and that"s one of the hardest things in the world to deal with. But you have to stop it then and let your brain take over, because you don"t get everything you want in this world, and it"s not fair to the other person at all. If you think about it you"ll know how they"d feel, first if they didn"t care for you as a friend and then if they did, and you kept insisting on having your way.
You can see how messy that gets.
Sometimes it happens the other way around. And if you don"t see it happening or if you"re too soft-hearted to say no, you can hurt somebody worse than if you say: I"m sorry, this won"t work, I"m sorry, this won"t work, right off. right off.
Sometimes it works right on both sides, and watch out then too, sweet, because s.e.x isn"t the only thing in life, and if you let it be, that"s all you"ll ever have.
I"ll tell you what the most important thing is, in case you haven"t figured it out: It"s being able to do what makes you the happiest the longest, and I don"t mean s.e.x and I don"t mean chocolates, sweet, I mean being able. able. Able means just exactly having the time, the money, the ability, and a thing to do that makes your life worth living long enough to get it done. Able means just exactly having the time, the money, the ability, and a thing to do that makes your life worth living long enough to get it done.
You aren"t going to have a clear sight of that thing thing until you"ve had a look at the world as it is, and had a chance to figure out what the world could be if you worked at it. until you"ve had a look at the world as it is, and had a chance to figure out what the world could be if you worked at it.
So when you get that feeling, feeling, you think real clearly whether you can afford to give in to it and whether you"re you think real clearly whether you can afford to give in to it and whether you"re able able to handle it without getting your whole life slanted in some direction that isn"t smart. The time to give in to that to handle it without getting your whole life slanted in some direction that isn"t smart. The time to give in to that feeling feeling is when you can is when you can afford afford to, just the same as you don"t spend money you haven"t got, promise things you don"t have time to do, or get involved in projects you can"t finish. If it"s a minor thing and n.o.body can get hurt, fine, do it. If it"s got complications, to, just the same as you don"t spend money you haven"t got, promise things you don"t have time to do, or get involved in projects you can"t finish. If it"s a minor thing and n.o.body can get hurt, fine, do it. If it"s got complications, don"t don"t do it until you know d.a.m.n well you can handle it, and know how far the complications can possibly extend. At 10, you can"t see everything. I was there. Believe me, I know. I got involved with somebody once, and I really liked him; unfortunately, he wasn"t as smart as I am, and he wanted to tell me what to do and how to run my life, because he sensed I really was hooked on him, and he really liked ordering people around. So do I, of course. So when I got that figured out, which took longer than usual, because neurons work logic problems a h.e.l.l of a lot faster than glands-I"m being facetious-anyway, I told him off, I reversed what was going on, and he hated it like h.e.l.l. Hated me after that, too. So not only did the do it until you know d.a.m.n well you can handle it, and know how far the complications can possibly extend. At 10, you can"t see everything. I was there. Believe me, I know. I got involved with somebody once, and I really liked him; unfortunately, he wasn"t as smart as I am, and he wanted to tell me what to do and how to run my life, because he sensed I really was hooked on him, and he really liked ordering people around. So do I, of course. So when I got that figured out, which took longer than usual, because neurons work logic problems a h.e.l.l of a lot faster than glands-I"m being facetious-anyway, I told him off, I reversed what was going on, and he hated it like h.e.l.l. Hated me after that, too. So not only did the feeling feeling go away, I lost a friend who would have stayed a friend if I hadn"t lei him do a power-move on me. I"m telling you about it now because you can learn about fire two ways: put your hand in it and understand it with the neurons below your neck or listen to me tell you about it and understand it with the ones up in your head. Your brain is the operations center that has to keep your hand out of the fire in the first place, so if you can believe me, and use the sense you were born with, you can save yourself all the pain and embarra.s.sment of a real lesson. go away, I lost a friend who would have stayed a friend if I hadn"t lei him do a power-move on me. I"m telling you about it now because you can learn about fire two ways: put your hand in it and understand it with the neurons below your neck or listen to me tell you about it and understand it with the ones up in your head. Your brain is the operations center that has to keep your hand out of the fire in the first place, so if you can believe me, and use the sense you were born with, you can save yourself all the pain and embarra.s.sment of a real lesson.
Brains and s.e.x fight each other to control your life, and thank G.o.d brains get a head start before s.e.x comes along. s.e.x is when you"re the most vulnerable you"ll ever be. Brains is when you"re least. Brains have to win out, that"s all, so they can make a safe time for s.e.x to happen. Remember that.
Now, don"t mistake: it"s not bad to be vulnerable sometimes, but it"s stupid to walk around that way: there are too many people just waiting for that chance. It"s stupid to miss s.e.x altogether for fear someone will take advantage of you-use the brain, sweet, and find somebody and some place and some time safe. Brains are nature"s way of making sure you live long enough to sp.a.w.n-if you were a frog. But you"re better than a frog. So plan to live longer.
And for G.o.d"s sake, don"t ever use s.e.x to get your own way where brains won"t work. That"s the dumbest thing in the world to do, because then you"re operating without brains at all, aren"t you? That"s as plain as I can make it.
I want you to come back to this more than once, till you"ve understood what I"m saying.
If I could have learned this one thing early enough, I"d have been happier.
Good luck, Ari. I hope to h.e.l.l you learn this part.
She thought about that a long time into the night, into a very lonely night, because Nelly was gone and Florian and Catlin were away; and she felt awful the next morning.
Then she found out why she felt awful and why her gut hurt, and mostly she just wanted to kill something. But she found the stuff in the bathroom, all right, read the instructions and got it all figured out: Dr. Wojkowski had given her a booklet with the package, which was very plain and echoed a lot of things the tape had said.
It was more biology than she wanted in one week, dammit. And she was embarra.s.sed and mad when the Minder said uncle Denys was waiting breakfast.
"I"ll get there when I can," she yelled at it.
And took her pill and got herself in order and went out to breakfast.
"Are you all right?" Denys asked.
She glared at him, figuring he d.a.m.n well knew, everybody else did. "I"m just fine," she said, and ate without another word while he read his morning reports.
Florian and Catlin came home late, sore and tired and with bandages on Catlin"s hand; and full of stories, what the Exercise had been, how Catlin had gotten her hand cut getting a piece of metal fixed for a trap, but it had worked, and they had survived all the way through the course. Which youngers didn"t do.
She wished she had something better than losing Nelly to tell them. And she wasn"t about to tell them why she was sulking in her bedroom and feeling rotten.
Certainly not Florian, anyhow. But she got Catlin apart from Florian and told Catlin what the trouble was. Catlin listened and made a face and said well, it happened: if you were on an Operation you could take stuff so it came early or later.
Never take azi-pills, maman had said, but it sure sounded attractive.
It was worth asking Dr. Wojkowski about. d.a.m.ned if she was going to ask Dr. Ivanov.