And Holden"s mom said, "Sure, he can be in the play. He"d be wonderful in a play. Also he loves Beauty and the Beast." Beauty and the Beast."
So that settled it.
He and Ella were going to be in Beauty and the Beast Beauty and the Beast together, which was one of their favorite videos when they were young. He remembered because his mom always sang the song about home being where your heart was. And that was true, but not true every single time. Right now his heart wasn"t exactly at home. together, which was one of their favorite videos when they were young. He remembered because his mom always sang the song about home being where your heart was. And that was true, but not true every single time. Right now his heart wasn"t exactly at home.
In Mr. Hawkins" drama cla.s.s, there in the eleventh row near the back of the room between the tall music chart with the picture of the piano keys and seven octaves and twenty-five chord types by four positions, which made a total of one hundred chords per octave with twelve different roots, which meant 1,200 chords per octave or 8,400 possible chords ... There between the music poster Holden liked and the window with six squares in it, two seats from the right and four seats straight behind Ella, just beneath the cla.s.sroom clock with the quiet ticking ...
That"s where his heart was.
Sixteen.
ELLA PAID FOR HER MOTHER"S CLEANING AND DROVE TO THE opposite side of the parking lot. She needed a quiet place to focus. Calling her dad wasn"t something she ever did, so this might catch him off guard. She pulled out her phone and found his number. It wasn"t listed in her favorites. opposite side of the parking lot. She needed a quiet place to focus. Calling her dad wasn"t something she ever did, so this might catch him off guard. She pulled out her phone and found his number. It wasn"t listed in her favorites.
As the ringing started, Ella felt her heart slide into a strange rhythm. Why am I so scared? Why am I so scared? She closed her eyes, shaded her face with her free hand. She closed her eyes, shaded her face with her free hand. He"s my dad, after all. He"s my dad, after all.
He answered on the last possible ring, right before the call went to voice mail. "This is Randy."
His words hurt, but she didn"t let the pain linger. So what if he didn"t recognize her phone number. She wouldn"t have recognized his, either. They barely talked when they were in person, let alone on the phone. "Dad ... it"s Ella."
"Oh, hey, sweetheart." He sounded rushed, anxious to get the call over with. "What"s up?"
In the background Ella heard a bunch of voices. "Randy, get off the phone ... Come on, you got a girl on the line or what?"
"Back off, Simmons. It"s my daughter, okay?" The clang of weights rang in the background.
As pathetic as the guy"s comment was, her dad"s response proved one thing. He cared enough to acknowledge her as his daughter. The thought touched her long enough for her to pause.
"Ella." He sounded distracted. "Honey, I"m busy. Is there an emergency? Something you need?"
Love and conversation, a father who cares what I"m involved in, she wanted to say. She gritted her teeth, fighting her anger. "I need money. Two hundred dollars." That was the amount for Holden"s production fees if he were allowed in the play. She hated that this was the only reason she had to call him, but there was nothing else to say. She wasn"t about to explain the situation with Holden.
"Honey, you"re breaking up. Something about dollars?" More laughter in the background. "Can you talk a little louder?"
Suddenly Ella felt like a fool. What was she doing, trying to reach her father? What was the point? She no longer wanted to be on the phone with him another minute. However she would get the money for Holden, it wouldn"t be through her father. No, this was her decision ... She needed to pay for it herself. She would work, maybe. But whatever she did she would pay for it herself. Her father was waiting. "Never mind, Dad. I"ll talk to you later."
"I"m sorry." He sounded defeated. Again the noise in the background was almost louder than his voice on the line. "I still can hardly hear you. We"ll talk tonight, okay?"
Tears stung at her eyes. "Okay." She hung up before saying good-bye. He wouldn"t hear her anyway.
She was halfway home before it hit her that she couldn"t exactly get a job. She didn"t have time with the play rehearsals and her homework. But before she could get too discouraged, another thought hit her. She could sell something. Her iPod Touch, maybe. She"d paid twice that for it, right? One of her friends would buy it for half price for sure.
Ella lowered the phone to her lap. Her hands were shaking but her heart soared with possibility. She could hardly wait to go through her phone and call her friends tonight. The kids at Fulton had money ... Someone would buy her iPod tomorrow. Then Holden could officially be in the theater production cla.s.s.
And from there, Ella believed with her whole heart, anything could happen.
SUZANNE WONDERED IF SHE MIGHT FALL TO THE FLOOR AND die. Not because the shock was so great-it wasn"t. But now Ella knew, and the embarra.s.sment made it hard for her to draw a breath. She could do everything possible to stay young. She could starve herself into size-2 jeans and tan her body and get her Botox. But she couldn"t force her husband to come home. die. Not because the shock was so great-it wasn"t. But now Ella knew, and the embarra.s.sment made it hard for her to draw a breath. She could do everything possible to stay young. She could starve herself into size-2 jeans and tan her body and get her Botox. But she couldn"t force her husband to come home.
Their marriage was becoming little more than a sham.
A memory came to mind, one from twenty years earlier. When she accepted Randy"s offer of marriage, her mother celebrated with her for a few minutes, and then pulled her aside. With her father and her siblings in the next room, her mom lowered her voice and gave her two pieces of advice: stay thin and look the other way. "Randy"s going to the big leagues one day, mark my words. Professional athletes have a different standard."
Suzanne was sickened by her mother"s supposed wisdom, so she"d turned to Tracy Harris-her best friend at the time. Her best friend ever. Tracy was a Christian, and because of that, Suzanne and Randy had started believing in G.o.d too. A year before their weddings, the couples began attending church together, and Suzanne felt something changing inside her. Randy felt it too -at least that"s what he said. He even connected with the church"s men"s group, and for a year every Monday he and Dan Harris would make the trip to church to help each other stay strong in their faith.
Tracy"s advice when Suzanne married Randy was far different from her mother"s. Suzanne remembered every word, because for the first few years Tracy"s wisdom worked like a charm. Love G.o.d first, and your husband second. Remember to compliment him, because if you don"t, someone else will. And always give a hundred percent. If you both do that, you"ll be covered on the days when someone slips a little. Love G.o.d first, and your husband second. Remember to compliment him, because if you don"t, someone else will. And always give a hundred percent. If you both do that, you"ll be covered on the days when someone slips a little.
But what exactly was a little slip? Randy"s attention came when he was. .h.i.tting well, when he was making the sports page and winning games. The less he played, the less he stayed home and spent time with her. Lately he didn"t know she was alive-no matter how she looked.
The first four years, Randy might hit a slump and check out at home, but later he would explain himself and apologize. For a while everything would be good between them again. Especially the year he and Dan went to the men"s Bible study. But times like this, when Suzanne was completely honest with herself, she had to admit that neither she nor Randy ever committed their lives to Christ. They talked about making such a decision, and they watched other people do so. But there was always a reason why they didn"t. They needed more information ... they wanted to be sure ... they didn"t understand everything the Bible taught ...
But after the break in their friendship with Tracy and Dan, the Reynolds stopped going to church and what faith they once had grew cold as quick as winter. At first it didn"t seem to matter. Randy was playing well, and they moved to New York, where he flourished. But even then he wasn"t a great communicator, especially when the team lost or he didn"t get the hits he wanted. Suzanne figured if she tried harder-worked out more, kept a better tan, stayed young looking-he would want to be home more. But now, with rumors that the Braves weren"t going to resign Randy, he acted like he didn"t have a wife or a home or a family whatsoever. Like he was back in college in some fraternity, always hanging out with the guys ... lifting weights with the guys ... going out with the guys ...
Suzanne wasn"t sure how much more she could take.
She walked into her room, shut the door, and locked it. Maybe it was time to admit the whole truth. Not only was her marriage a sham, her entire life had become nothing more than a charade. She had the feeling lately that people saw her as a joke, the pro athlete"s wife trying to find her way back to twenty-nine, while her husband chased a dying dream.
Better to go out on top and retire than submit himself to the media scrutiny and degradation of being cut. Especially after once being so good, so highly chosen. So while Randy fought to find the game inside him, she worked overtime trying to attract his attention. But where had that gotten her?
She went to the bathroom and stared at her reflection. No matter what she did to her face, she couldn"t find the look she"d had when she was younger. It wasn"t her skin tone or the shade of blonde in her hair. The problem was her eyes. They were older than her years and nothing she tried ever seemed to help. It wasn"t only Randy who was becoming washed up; she was right there with him. A terribly sad joke.
Her options looked back at her from the mirror. She would call him, of course, and ask him to come home earlier-the way she did once a week or so. But he would stay late, like always. He"d head to the bar and talk shop and come home after midnight. Then he"d walk through the house like she was invisible. If there were other women, Suzanne never heard about it, never found proof. She figured he was probably faithful-for the most part, anyway. But their marriage was nothing more than a formality. No wonder over time her confidence had eroded like a sandy sh.o.r.eline during a storm.
Suzanne blinked, but she couldn"t shake the dead look from her eyes. She would lose, of course. She was Randy Reynolds" wife. It was her ident.i.ty, where she found her value and selfworth. And of course there was the other benefit: Randy"s salary. Even sitting the bench, the money was always good. It kept her in Botox and beauty shops, salons and spa visits.
Disgust filled her eyes as she stared at herself. What had she allowed herself to become? A slave to her image and reputation? A woman who had sold her soul for a six-figure bank account? And now that Ella had found Holden, how hard would she have to work to avoid seeing Tracy? The loss of their friendship was awkward, and Suzanne had no idea what to say to Tracy if they ran into each other again.
But the part that made Suzanne feel worse about herself was that after twenty years of marriage, she actually lived by the horrific advice her mother had once given her. Her mother had been gone for thirteen years now -lost to a quick bout of lung cancer. But if her mother could see her now, she wouldn"t feel sorry for Suzanne. She"d be proud of her. By her mother"s standards, Suzanne was getting along just fine because she was still thin.
And she had absolutely mastered the art of looking the other way.
Seventeen.
THE DAY FIGURED TO BE STORMY AGAIN. DAN WAS READY, hunkered in at his station on the shrimping boat. The catch had been great lately, enough that Tracy could catch up on bills and pay the therapists. Maybe even enough to pad their account a little. That way they"d be covered for the next time the seas were too rough to fish, or a boat broke down or equipment gave out. hunkered in at his station on the shrimping boat. The catch had been great lately, enough that Tracy could catch up on bills and pay the therapists. Maybe even enough to pad their account a little. That way they"d be covered for the next time the seas were too rough to fish, or a boat broke down or equipment gave out.
"Looks like another monster." One of the other fishermen planted himself beside Dan and stared at the distant horizon. "Blackest clouds I"ve seen."
"At least we"re ready." Dan remembered the last storm like this. He"d almost lost his life. He would be more careful this time, quicker to get the shrimp load up and put away, quicker to get below deck. Last week a storm had come in so hard and fast, they never made it out to sea. But this time they would have to ride it out; there wasn"t enough time to get back before it hit. Besides the shrimp were plentiful right now. The bigger the catch, the greater the cut. That was the motto for guys like him.
Dan felt his cell phone vibrate in his back pocket. He kept it in a double plastic Ziploc bag, tucked in the driest part of his pants. They didn"t always get service, but when they did he liked at least having the possibility of calling home. He tried to call home a few times a week, but it had been four days. The work had been almost around the clock.
"Take your call." The guy beside him returned to his station. "But keep it short. We"ll need everyone on their game."
Dan figured they had ten ... fifteen minutes tops. He pulled the phone from his pocket and slipped it from the plastic bags. It was Tracy. He got a call from his parents once a month or so, but otherwise he didn"t keep in touch with anyone from his old life. The life before Holden became autistic. He clicked the right b.u.t.ton and held the phone to his ear. He covered his other one with his free hand, otherwise the wind wouldn"t have let him hear a thing.
"h.e.l.lo?" The mist from a rough wave brushed across his face.
"Hi." She sounded hurt, distant. "It"s been awhile."
"Yeah," He dried his hand over his eyes, ignoring the sting of salt water. "Sorry ... it"s been busy."
"Hmmm." She allowed a brief silence. "It sounds really windy."
"A storm"s coming." Dan squinted at the encroaching black clouds. "Probably seems like I"m always saying that."
"It does. But you"re all right?" Concern replaced the distance in her voice. "You"ve got cover?"
"I"m fine." He closed his eyes for a long moment. It felt great hearing her voice. He wasn"t due to go home until Christmas -three months from now-but he wondered if maybe he wouldn"t head back sooner. "I miss you."
"I miss you too." An edge of excitement filled her voice. "Dan ... I called because ... Well, G.o.d is doing something with Holden. I"m serious."
Dan opened his eyes and stared at the rough seas surrounding their old ship. "What do you mean?" He kept control of his emotions. Holden never made significant progress.
"Earlier this week ... he found Ella." She paused and the wind made it hard to hear her. "Ella Reynolds, Dan. They found each other at Fulton High."
Dan felt his enthusiasm dim. Finding an old friend was one thing. Seeing G.o.d work in Holden"s life was something entirely different. "The Reynoldses." He heard his voice go flat. "It"s been a long time."
"There"s more to this ..." Tracy began to explain how Ella had been drawn to help Holden, and how because of her Holden was allowed to sit in on rehearsals for next semester"s spring musical. "And that was before she knew who he was, that we"d known each other back then."
Dan would"ve liked to think Holden told her. Certainly Holden remembered Ella. He watched the video of the two of them every day, after all. For more years than Dan could remember. But that wasn"t possible.
The wind was blowing harder now, the storm about to bear down. He couldn"t talk long, but he raised his voice so he could be heard. "How"d she make the connection?"
"A sc.r.a.pbook. She was going through family pictures and saw a bunch with all of us together. Holden"s name was in the caption, I guess, and Ella put it all together."
Dan remembered the tension between the families after Holden"s change. "Is she... like her mother?"
Tracy hesitated. "She"s like Suzanne used to be. She"s kind and genuine and she wants Holden to be in the spring play. It"s Beauty and the Beast." Beauty and the Beast."
Unless there was something Tracy wasn"t telling him, the idea was outlandish. "Holden can barely sit through a single cla.s.s without doing push-ups."
"He"s trying. I have to believe his is making a difference."
"That"s not the point." Dan needed to get off the phone. The storm was going to engulf them any minute. "He struggles, Tracy."
"I know that." Some of her enthusiasm faded. "But Dan, Ella said Holden looked at her. Straight into her eyes."
It was the first detail that came with even the slightest glimpse of hope. He gripped the edge of the crank in front of him. "Good. Has he looked at you? Or his therapists?"
"Not them. And not me lately." Her tone made it clear she wasn"t dissuaded by the fact. "But it"s a start." She barely took time for a breath. "I don"t know, Dan, I feel like something"s happening, like G.o.d"s beginning something bigger than we could imagine."
A clap of thunder shook the sky not far from where he stood. His estimate was clearly off. The storm was bearing down and he"d only been talking eight, maybe nine minutes. "That"s good, Tracy. Really. All we can do is keep praying, right?"
She didn"t answer right away. "Yes. That"s all we can do." Sometimes he could almost see the tears in her eyes at the end of one of their conversations. This was one of those times. "I wish you were coming home sooner."
"Me, too." Especially now. Especially now. Lighting flashed too close for comfort. "Hey, listen. I have to go. I"ll call you in a few days, okay?" Lighting flashed too close for comfort. "Hey, listen. I have to go. I"ll call you in a few days, okay?"
Another short pause. "I love you, Dan."
"I lo -" A fast busy signal sounded and Dan checked the phone. They"d lost connection. He slid the phone back into the plastic bags, and then into his pocket again. And suddenly he saw something he"d never seen in his five years at sea.
A wave towering twenty-five feet or more was headed straight for them.
"Rogue wave!" The shout came up across the deck from half a dozen fishermen and deckhands. "Take cover! Rogue wave! Rogue -"
That was all the time they had. The wave should"ve capsized them, but somehow the captain must have swung the bow just enough so they took it head on. Dan ducked beneath the crank and pushed his body against the side of the ship, grabbing whatever he could. But he was no match for the wave. It ripped him from his hiding spot and for several seconds he had no contact with the boat whatsoever. He thrashed about in the water, kicking and grabbing for any sign of the ship beneath him. The water was freezing, so cold that even if he could get his head above the wave he wasn"t sure he could breathe.
How can this be happening again? G.o.d ... help me! Please ... G.o.d ... help me! Please ...
Just when he was sure he was lost, his body thudded hard into a post. Dan couldn"t grab it with his hands, so he wrapped his body around it and held tight with his ankles. He still hadn"t had a breath, and he knew it was only a matter of time. The blackout would come soon and then death would be quick.
G.o.d, if You"re taking me home then so be it. I love You and I always have. But Father ... if You"re doing something with Holden, if You"re working a miracle in his life then please let me live. The water swirled around his face and mouth. His lungs were screaming for air. Any second he would breathe in the salty seawater. The water swirled around his face and mouth. His lungs were screaming for air. Any second he would breathe in the salty seawater. Lord, I"ll stop fishing, I"ll stay home and get a different job. I"ll do what You want, Lord. Just please don"t let me die without seeing Holden come back. Even a little, G.o.d. If he could look at me the way he looked at Ella, I would do anything to live. Please, G.o.d ... please ... Lord, I"ll stop fishing, I"ll stay home and get a different job. I"ll do what You want, Lord. Just please don"t let me die without seeing Holden come back. Even a little, G.o.d. If he could look at me the way he looked at Ella, I would do anything to live. Please, G.o.d ... please ...
Dan was just taking his first gasp of water when in a rush there was a tremendous sucking sound and the wave receded. He gasped in one breath after another, choking on the water that had started its way down his throat. What had happened? Was he really alive or was this heaven? He tried to crawl up on his hands and knees, but he was too weak, too spent from his battle with the wave. Instead he lay on the tossing ship, his body bruised and battered.
The captain pushed open the door and shouted across the deck. "Everyone down below. We need a count."
This wasn"t heaven. A count meant guys were missing, right? Some of the men fishing beside him had been swept to sea in as much time as it took a single rogue wave to crash in around them. The storm was still just hitting them, the rain just starting in earnest. Dan had been this route before. He needed to get below deck or in a few minutes they could add his name to however many men weren"t accounted for.
He tried to get up again, and fell to his stomach. Come on, Dan ... You can do this. Come on, Dan ... You can do this. As he lay there he remembered his prayer. He had begged G.o.d to let him live if there was a chance of seeing Holden changed, if he might get even a little of his son back. And here he was, alive! So that had to mean something, right? He pictured Holden, going tirelessly through the days, working his therapy and homework and never seeing progress. As he lay there he remembered his prayer. He had begged G.o.d to let him live if there was a chance of seeing Holden changed, if he might get even a little of his son back. And here he was, alive! So that had to mean something, right? He pictured Holden, going tirelessly through the days, working his therapy and homework and never seeing progress.
The image of his son"s tender heart and courageous spirit breathed new life, new strength into him.
"Below deck now," the captain shouted. "Don"t wait ... another wave"s on the horizon."
Dan pushed himself up on his hands and knees and began to crawl. He could do this. If Holden could struggle through a silent world of autism, Dan could make it below deck. It was the least he could do. He pushed himself, ignoring the splinters slicing into his knees. How many times would he do this? How often would he nearly lose a battle with the sea before he called it a day and went home? Push Dan, Push Dan, he told himself. he told himself. Please, G.o.d ... You spared me once. Help me get below deck. Please Please, G.o.d ... You spared me once. Help me get below deck. Please ... ...
I am a safe tower, my son ... run to me.
The answer gave him another burst of strength. Out here at sea, a lot of men lost touch with G.o.d, but Dan never did. He could sense the wave looming toward them. As he lifted the hatch and shoved his body through the hole, he could feel the shadow of the second rogue wave, coming down on them like some crazy monster. He hit the bunk area just as the wave smashed into the ship. He hit his head on the leg of the nearest bed, and he held his breath, certain the ship was going to flip.
But it didn"t.
And though the storm raged and the ship tossed around the sea, there were no more rogue waves. Dan managed to pull himself up onto a bunk where he didn"t move for the next hour. He had seen scary waves in his days working Alaskan fishing boats. Deadliest Catch Deadliest Catch was right on; he"d learned that much. But no reality TV show could ever truly capture the sheer terror of being completely and utterly at the mercy of the sea. was right on; he"d learned that much. But no reality TV show could ever truly capture the sheer terror of being completely and utterly at the mercy of the sea.
He couldn"t fight Holden"s battles, so what made him think he could battle the Alaskan sea? And what about Tracy"s thought that G.o.d was doing something in Holden"s life? G.o.d ... I give up. I surrender. I"m at Your mercy ... G.o.d ... I give up. I surrender. I"m at Your mercy ...
Be strong and courageous ... I am with you.