Chapter 15 … She had kept those words in mind constantly, but he had forgotten.
September 18th, Píngchāng Year 6, proved to be a sunny day with nary a cloud in the sky.
Gu Hong Jian lazily beat back a yawn and floated behind Lin Si Ze as he headed to Zuo fǔ.
Today was Zuo Ning Yan"s death anniversary. It had already been eight years since she had died. Eight years ago, Gu Hong Jian had also gone to Zuo fǔ.
Zuo fǔ had not changed much since that time. Past the high yet plain and simple entrance was the front courtyard. Walking past a veranda, which would accentuate a woman of poise and beauty during a stroll, would lead to the great hall. The entirety of Zuo fǔ was not too luxurious, but it was still elegant in its simplicity—just like its Master, Zuo Xiang.
Eight years ago, Gu Hong Jian had pa.s.sed through the entirety of this place to arrive at Zuo Ning Yan"s room. Inside her room, Zuo Ning Yan had been waiting for the bride escort procession. Gu Hong Jian should have taken this opportunity to carry Zuo Ning Yan away, but she had not.
She had stayed nearby, hesitating for a long while, until an elated grandmother entered the room only to rush out frantically.
Now, Zuo Ning Yan"s old room was absolutely empty, but someone probably still came in to clean. From the outside looking in, it was still as clean as before.
Lin Si Ze had brought along two Imperial bodyguards along with two or three shadow guards before subduedly following Zuo Ning Hao"s lead toward Zuo Ning Yan"s room, though he stayed outside.
Zuo Ning Hao asked, "Your majesty, do you not wish to enter?"
"No." Lin Si Ze shook his head.
Zuo Ning Hao did not speak any more and simply nodded. He left with Lin Si Ze for the ancestral hall. Originally, unmarried women who died young were not allowed to have their memorial tablets enter the ancestral hall, but probably because of how excessively Zuo Xiang had cherished this daughter, the Zuo family"s latest memorial tablet was Zuo Ning Yan"s.
Gu Hong Jian trailed behind them in the direction of the ancestral hall, but she saw that, within the ancestral hall, the Zuo family had already offered sacrifices to Zuo Ning Yan earlier in the morning. Now, apart from two servants, there was no one else.
Upon seeing Zuo Ning Hao, those two servants courteously called out to him. They sent somewhat puzzled glances toward Lin Si Ze but did not dare to question too much. On behalf of the two men, the servants prepared incense sticks and lit them before handing them over.
Lin Si Ze held onto the incense stick and closed his eyes, paying respect thrice to Zuo Ning Yan. A servant then received the incense stick and inserted it into the vessel for his sake.
Gu Hong Jian silently watched on, thinking, In the future, when Lin Si Ze pays respect to her, will his face look so heartbroken and sincere?
No, he might not even feel inclined to pay respect to her.
Lin Si Ze gazed at Zuo Ning Yan"s memorial tablet, his gaze as gentle and soft as water yet just as dark and profound as ink—as if, within his eyes, there existed countless feelings of both love and despair.
Those eyes br.i.m.m.i.n.g with emotion would never belong to her, but she became intoxicated all the same.
It was already September 18th. It would take about three to four more days before news of her death should arrive.
In fact, Gu Hong Jian reckoned that Lin Si Ze was probably driven crazy by sorrow, so he sent her off to Hu Prefecture with the clear wish for her death.
He knew that back then, she had the strongest connection to Zuo Ning Yan"s death. This, he knew for a fact, so he wanted her to pay with her life.
Lin Si Ze could not personally act, however, so he sent her to Hu Prefecture instead.
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All of this began eight years to this very day, on September 18th of Wànshùn Year 41.
That day, Lin Si Ze received the news of Zuo Ning Yan"s death while he had been in the palace. He had, at first, merely been slightly shocked, concluding after that this must be wrong. Gu Hong Jian had merely beaten them at their own game and had stolen Zuo Ning Yan away, conveniently faking her death as well.
He kept waiting, but Gu Hong Jian came back alone.
Lin Si Ze, still unwilling to give up, asked, "Where is Zuo Ning Yan?"
Gu Hong Jian remained silent with a lowered head. A long while later, she slowly enunciated, "I"m sorry."
"…What are you apologizing to me for." Lin Si Ze repeated, "Where is Zuo Ning Yan?"
"She"s dead. You have not received the news?" Gu Hong Jian whispered, "I did not steal her away. She"s dead."
Lin Si Ze immediately squashed down his feelings. With an expressionless face, he lightly closed his eyes and then asked, "You miscalculated? Or were you too late?"
Actually, if Gu Hong Jian had said that she ran into some mishap on the journey there and arrived too late despite her hurried pace, it would have been fine.
Regardless of whether Lin Si Ze believed her in his heart, he would not have discussed it any longer.
She had seen Lin Si Ze"s expression, however, and had felt very tired. She thus admitted, "I had arrived outside her room quite early and hid in the eaves. But I began thinking on whether or not I actually wanted to steal her. Up until the moment where she almost got married, I had still not thought of what I should do…and then, she killed herself."
Lin Si Ze revealed a shocked and pained face as he cried out, "Why did you hesitate?! You, you…"
Gu Hong Jian shouted back, "I did not know she was going to kill herself!!! I was in the eaves and heard her and Zuo Xiang talk. Zuo Xiang said that he had wronged her, and she hummed in agreement. Then, Zuo Xiang left… I thought everything was all right!"
Lin Si Ze could not look at her. He said, "Why. I asked this of you. Why did you hesitate? After Zuo Xiang left, you should have immediately taken her away!"
Gu Hong Jian pursed her lips. Without a trace of color on her face, she stated, "Because you want to be the emperor."
Lin Si Ze did not responded to this statement.
Gu Hong Jian continued explaining thereafter. "Imperial Tutor Yao and the first prince are of the same faction. Now, Imperial Tutor Yao has hounded Zuo Xiang"s daughter to death. The two of them will officially break off relations because of this——I previously worried about the marriage between the two families would symbolize Zuo Xiang supporting the first prince. Now, on the other hand, Zuo Xiang will support you. Besides, Zuo Ning Yan"s death will cause Zuo Xiang to hate the first prince. He only needs to mention this matter to the emperor, and the emperor will dislike the first prince even more…"
"Shut up."
Lin Si Ze suddenly spoke up.
Gu Hong Jian stared at him blankly but spoke no more, taking his demand seriously.
"Gu Hong Jian, how can you do this." Lin Si Ze bit out these words between gritted teeth as he glared at Gu Hong Jian in rage. "How can you…"
Gu Hong Jian"s eyes reddened then. "What did I do? What didn"t I do, isn"t that so? What words of mine have been spoken erroneously? It was Zuo Xiang who married off his own daughter!!! Zuo Xiang"s public court reputation is excellent; couldn"t he have still refused to marry Zuo Ning Yan to Yao Tian Ao?! Lin Si Ze, what is that look behind your eyes when you look my way? I"m telling you, the one who hounded Zuo Ning Yan to death was not me! It was Yao Tian Ao and the Zuo family! You can hate all of those people, but why are you looking at me like that?!"
Lin Si Ze argued, "But you could have saved her!"
Gu Hong Jian screamed, "Why would I save her?! Save her, meaning you will be offending the Zuo family, the Yao family, and the first prince all at once?! How will you conceal this?! How will you ascend to that throne you desire?! Did you not say you wanted to ascend to the throne, so as to protect the people you wanted to protect?! Now, when you are but a few steps away, you want to give it up; what do you mean by this?!"
"The person I want to protect is precisely Zuo Ning Yan!" Lin Si Ze growled. His eyes also turned a bit red, but it was not solely from sorrow or anger; it was a combination of both.
Gu Hong Jian froze.
She stared at Lin Si Ze and suddenly felt that she did not know him at all.
That year, that Winter Solstice with snowfall, he had lived and slept together with her in Bai Fu Palace.
Protect those I want to protect—Gu Hong Jian, at that time, I will definitely protect you.
Those words had been as light as snow. When she had heard them, she had paid it no mind, but she had engraved those words into her memory for a very long time. But he said that the person he wanted to protect was precisely Zuo Ning Yan.
He had forgotten what he had said.
She had kept those words in mind constantly, but he had forgotten.
Gu Hong Jian"s tears instantly began gushing out. She bitterly hated Lin Si Ze then, but she also thought that she was completely ridiculous and pathetic. Nevertheless, she did not want Lin Si Ze to see her crying, so she silently lowered her head to wipe them away. Once they were gone, she once again looked at Lin Si Ze and voiced, "Lin Si Ze, you wanted to protect Zuo Ning Yan, but what can you actually do? At the moment, you declare yourself to be able to protect others, but are you not the same one who told me that this journey is full of thistles and thorns? Why did you actively order me to kill the second prince, only to lecture me now about not undertaking the task to save Zuo Ning Yan?!"
Lin Si Ze was slightly stunned at this, but he answered, "Zuo Ning Yan is different. She is innocent and naturally should not be drawn into this dirty water."
Gu Hong Jian shot back, "What about me? Should I have deserved being dragged in? Because I was sold to enter the palace by a child trafficker, and then because I ran into Teacher Meng, I therefore deserve to spend my life practicing martial arts, just so I can go kill people? Mn…that"s right. I really do deserve this life. At that time, I had promised Teacher Meng and had said that I would become amazing. I had said that I wanted to help you, so everything I did for you would be inevitable and to be expected as a matter of course. Right. And so, if I do not do as you demand, that means I have sinned, right?"
Lin Si Ze said, "Gu Hong Jian, that was not what I meant! Forget about it. I don"t want to discuss this with you. You can leave first. I don"t want to see you right now."
"Do you now think I am completely horrid and very shameless?" Gu Hong Jian quietly asked.
Lin Si Ze paid her no mind; his silence could probably be considered his agreement.
Gu Hong Jian bitterly smiled then and said, "Lin Si Ze…your eyes only have Zuo Ning Yan within them… You simply cannot see anyone else. I have accompanied you by your side for so many years, but have you ever seriously glanced in my direction?!"
As if he was finally hearing the unusual undertone in her speech, Lin Si Ze turned to look at Gu Hong Jian in astonishment.
Gu Hong Jian began approaching Lin Si Ze, step by step, as she said, "If you had really looked at me, you would have known why I was so willing, so dead set on following you. You would have known why I felt so depressed after hearing you say you liked Zuo Ning Yan… Lin Si Ze, your eyes only have Zuo Ning Yan within them, while my eyes…only have you."
Lin Si Ze stared at Gu Hong Jian in disbelief, even slightly recoiling two steps away from her.
Gu Hong Jian closed her eyes then, but she could no longer stop her tears from flowing. She mumbled, "If I had not said anything, you probably would not have found out in your lifetime. For a lifetime, we would have merely been best friends, good brothers. In the future, we will be an emperor and his servant. But I was unwilling…why…why?"
Lin Si Ze stared at her continually flowing tears and became slightly despondent. This was the first time Lin Si Ze seen her cry. For the first time, she revealed such a distressed expression. It felt as if some invisible hand had pinched Lin Si Ze"s heart.
"Gu Hong Jian…" Lin Si Ze finally opened his mouth to speak. His brows furrowed tightly. "You…"
He did not finish speaking, as Gu Hong Jian wiped away her tears before seizing Lin Si Ze"s lips in a kiss.
Lin Si Ze widened his eyes.
Gu Hong Jian had absolutely no idea how to kiss someone, so she could only recklessly kiss him. Not knowing what she should do, and with her heart overflowing with interlaced love and hatred toward Lin Si Ze, she straightforwardly used all her strength to firmly bite at Lin Si Ze"s lip. Only when she tasted blood did she push him away.
From start to finish, Lin Si Ze had been sluggish, neither resisting nor responding in the slightest.
Gu Hong Jian gazed at him, her eyes still misty. She somewhat decisively declared, "I"m done speaking. Think what you want. It"s fine if you believe I did not save Zuo Ning Yan because I was jealous. It"s fine if you believe I got carried away by my own wishful thinking… I"m leaving. You do not need to look for me."
This was the first time she revealed her true feelings. This was also the first time she kissed her beloved person. It originally should have been both a beautiful yet bashful moment. Unfortunately, the ambiance was entirely wrong. She had not even been able to say the exact words, "I like you."
This was the absolute worst timing possible. Her words would only make Lin Si Ze increasingly believe that she deliberately watched Zuo Ning Yan die.
As such, Gu Hong Jian gave up all intentions of correcting the misunderstanding——anyway, with this being the case, where could she go?
This should have been a beautiful moment, but it was not. It was only endless sorrow and absurdity.
Gu Hong Jian wiped away her tears and turned around to leave. She pushed open the door and took large strides to hasten her departure. Lin Si Ze advanced forward two steps, as if he wanted to chase after her, only to stop. He brought a hand up to touch the cut on his lips and then smashed his fist into the door.
Honestly speaking, Lin Si Ze was also a bit at a loss.
He had seen Gu Hong Jian cry and heard her confess her love for him, something he had never expected her to do. She had even bitten his lip. He had, to his surprise, felt distressed and even wanted to reach out to embrace Gu Hong Jian—comforting her like he did in their childhood without any doubts, jealousy, or barriers between them.
His eyes were red, but not because of Zuo Ning Yan; they were red for Gu Hong Jian.
So much that, in this moment, he actually had forgotten about Zuo Ning Yan"s death.