Nope, this was too comfortable.
"So," he said a few minutes later. Jeez, he"s chatty today. "What"s your reason?"
"For?" I mumbled as I snuggled in closer.
"The need for a f.u.c.k buddy."
A bubble of laughter burst out of me. "I think for the same reason everyone needs a f.u.c.k buddy... the s.e.x." I knew I was downplaying it, but I didn"t want him to know the truth. That I was starting to enjoy the moments after s.e.x just as much as the actual s.e.x. Or that I"d reached for my phone twice this past week to text him about something completely unrelated to s.e.x. I didn"t want to be the stereotypical girl who fell for the guy she was just supposed to be sleeping with... but Damien was making it difficult.
"Cute. I mean, why not look for a boyfriend instead?" He tried to make it sound casual, like the answer didn"t really matter; and maybe if I had been looking at him, I would have believed him. But I wasn"t, my eyes were still closed, and that was how I distinctly heard the uneasiness in his voice. My answer was important to him.
Unsure of why he cared, I decided to settle on a vague response. "I just got out of a long relationship."
"Why"d it end?"
I blew out a breath. "It had been over for a while. But the final nail in the coffin was that he started seeing someone else."
I zoned out as I started thinking about Amber, his new girlfriend. Physically we were pretty similar-average build, dark brown hair, and brown eyes. But personality wise, we couldn"t have been more different. I"d always thought my vocal and outgoing nature was one of the things Caleb loved about me, but when I looked at Amber and her shy, meek personality, I had to wonder if he"d ever really felt that way or if it was something he merely tolerated.
When I realized Damien hadn"t said anything, I opened my eyes and looked up at him. He was scowling at the ceiling and mumbling something. The only word I caught was, "stupid."
"What?" I moved to push off him but he gripped me tighter.
"I said he"s stupid." He pinned his scowl on me and I watched it slowly disappear as his gaze roamed over my face. I met his stare head-on and raised my eyebrows.
"What happened?" he asked.
"Again, I feel like this should be self-explanatory..." I tried to joke, but he wasn"t amused. I let out an exasperated breath, like I couldn"t be bothered with talking to him.
But secretly, I was touched. It"d been such a long time since I made a new friend who I was this close to, who really seemed to care. Sherry and Gabe were obviously good friends, but it wasn"t the same. Sherry was so closed off and it made me reluctant to share my feelings. Why would I want to make myself vulnerable with a person who couldn"t do the same? And with Gabe, our friendship was merely a product of our connection to Alara and Derek. Don"t get me wrong, I liked him a lot and we"d even hung out alone a couple times, but I doubted we would have become friends if it weren"t for those two.
And before them I was perfectly content to have Derek, Alara, and Caleb. They were the only close friends I"d needed. Quality above quant.i.ty, right?
I ducked my head back down, resting on his shoulder while I traced the tattoo above his heart. "It was pretty typical, really. Boy feels taken for granted. Girl is clueless. Boy tells girl he met someone who likes and appreciates him. Someone who-"
"Okay, I get it," he bit out.
It made me smile that he couldn"t even bear to hear a vague description of the girl Caleb left me for. I pulled back-I almost had a heart attack when he let me-and propped myself up on my elbow with a smile.
"I"m okay, Damien. Not a hundred percent, but still really good," I said in earnest as I looked into his eyes. "I know that"s not normal. To be okay after only a few months, but I am. I realized afterward that I never really loved him and..."
"What?" he urged when I paused. And again, I could feel that what I had to say mattered to him.
"Well, I know some people believe cheating is a gray area, and that anyone can fall pray to it, but-and maybe it"s nave of me-I believe with the right person cheating just isn"t an option. So I guess I just feel a little better about it because he couldn"t possibly have been the right person if he did that, ya know?" I bit my lip, feeling unusually hesitant. "G.o.d, that sounds stupid, doesn"t it?" I tried to laugh it off, uncomfortable with all I"d revealed.
He just stared at me until my laughter tapered off. "No," he finally said, his voice soft as he tucked a piece of hair behind my ear. "Not at all. I think it makes perfect sense."
I wasn"t embarra.s.sed, what good would come from being embarra.s.sed about who I was? But I was slowly coming to realize that Damien"s opinion mattered to me. While I wouldn"t change for him, for anyone... I wanted him to like me. To respect me. It wasn"t lost on me that no-strings s.e.x usually didn"t equal respect in most guy"s books, even if they were doing the exact same d.a.m.n thing. I mean it was hypocritical but- Dammit.
Focus.
Yes, I wanted him to like me. So it wasn"t a surprise when relief coursed through me at his validation and the tender look in his eyes. That relief stayed with me as I tried not to think too hard about why him liking me was so important.
Two weeks. It felt like I had more s.e.x in those two weeks than I"d had in my entire life. Naomi was insatiable. I"d never met a girl who loved s.e.x as much as she did. And the noises she"d make... my G.o.d, I got hard just thinking about them. It wasn"t over the top or put on, I"d been with a few girls like that and it wasn"t enjoyable. But with Naomi it was like she physically couldn"t keep the sounds in. We would never be able to have s.e.x if anyone else was in the house, that was for sure.
We were curled up on my bed and I was internally rejoicing in the fact I"d gotten her to stay a while longer. This had been the first time in those fourteen days where she stayed longer than ten minutes. And I wasn"t ashamed to say I tried to wear her out more than usual just so she needed to rest. After all, all"s fair in love and war.
About an hour after our f.u.c.k fest ended, she was pulling herself out of my arms. She scooted toward the edge of the bed and started grabbing her clothes.
"I gotta get going."
Nodding, I reached for my sweatpants. It was probably for the best. Ellie was due home any minute and I knew there would be no point in arguing-if Naomi wanted to go, she went. I could"ve persuaded her to stay, s.e.xually or otherwise, but I wanted her to want to stay. And that wouldn"t happen while she was still fearful of any kind of real relationship. I"d slowly show her she didn"t need to be afraid, that I"d never hurt her the way her a.s.shole ex did. I ground my teeth just thinking about him.
It was pretty clear that Naomi wasn"t pining away. If her words hadn"t solidified that, her actions did. I had lost track of how many times she screamed my name as I"d pounded into her, but she never faltered, never forgot who she was with because there was no one else on her mind.
At least now I knew what I was up against, because no matter what a woman said... being cheated on had to hurt and f.u.c.k with her trust. But Naomi seemed like she"d bounce back just fine, given time.
I was walking her out of my bedroom, trailing kisses down her neck, when the lock shifted on our front door. I quickly shoved her back into the room and covered her mouth with my hand. Instead of being angry or confused, she was simply amused. I felt a grin form against my palm as her eyebrows rose comically high on her forehead. Ellie"s voice drifted down the hall.
"We can still be friends. My having a baby won"t change-" She paused as if she was cut off. "Yeah, okay." Ellie"s voice was dejected and so low I could barely hear it. "Yeah, I guess... I guess I"ll see you around then."
I leaned back with a furrowed brow as I heard my sister sniffle and softly shut her door. I didn"t know which friend she was talking to, but it didn"t really matter. All her friends were either alcoholics or junkies, and it was only a matter of time before they all stopped a.s.sociating with her. Friends who were connected by their addictions rarely lasted. Because their number-one friend was always whatever could get them drunk or high, and the number two and three spots were reserved for those who could help them score. And now that Ellie was pregnant and trying to get sober, she"d have no one.
Naomi brought me out of my thoughts as she slapped my hand away and hissed, "What the h.e.l.l? Is that your girlfriend? Your pregnant girlfriend?"
A million things raced through my mind at once, but I could only seem to focus on one. "Are you jealous?" My voice held equal amounts of amus.e.m.e.nt and incredulity. Maybe getting her interested in a relationship would be easier than I thought.
I had expected some form of amus.e.m.e.nt in return, but she just glared. My smile slipped as she shrugged out of my hold. "I"m not a cheater. In any form." Her voice was stern and her expression was furious. A deep frown pulled at my lips as I really thought about everything that just happened. And, yeah, I was a moron. I"d been so wrapped up in the idea she might be feeling what I was, I hadn"t even thought about everything else it implied.
"That"s my sister. Ellie." I held Naomi"s gaze and watched her doubt and distrust melt into relief. Her ease brought about my own as I pulled her in for a hug. Naomi"s arms hung limp by her side before slowly winding around my waist and settling on my lower back. This was the first time we"d hugged, and as she turned her head and rested her cheek on my chest, I couldn"t help but think about how right it felt. How perfectly she fit.
A few minutes later Naomi cleared her throat and stepped back. "Is it safe?" she whispered as she nodded toward the door. I loved that she offered no apologies for doubting me. She owned up to every single part of herself.
I winced before ducking into the hall and making sure it was still clear. "Yeah." I coughed into my hand and rubbed the back of my neck, feeling uncharacteristically nervous. I didn"t want to hide Naomi, and I certainly wasn"t embarra.s.sed by her, but my sister was... "She"s nosy," I offered as an explanation, nodding toward her closed door. And my sister would never hide the fact that I didn"t want to have a casual relationship. She knew that was why she hadn"t seen a single girl in over two years, she knew I was done f.u.c.king around.
"You don"t have to explain."
I frowned, a little confused about why she wasn"t more curious. But I guess that would make sense if we were just "f.u.c.k buddies."
"Where"s the dad?" she asked softly.
Shrugging, I said, "Not in the picture." I wasn"t ready to tell her more, and I doubted she was ready to hear more. We were silent as I reopened the door and finished walking her out of the apartment and to her car. She unlocked the door and I reached around her to hold it open, causing her to look back at me with a little bit of shock. I smiled and started to lean forward when her eyes widened.
It had been a day of firsts. The first time she stayed for longer than just the s.e.x. The first time we talked about more than surface level stuff. The first time I walked her to her car. And now, I was hoping it"d be the first time I"d get to kiss her goodbye. The first time I"d kiss her without it leading to s.e.x, which as far as she was probably concerned was the only reason I"d be doing it.
But as I looked at her comically wide eyes, I wondered if it"d be a mistake. If I"d be pushing her too fast too soon.
f.u.c.k it.
I leaned forward and took her mouth with mine. Immediately coaxing her lips apart and winding my tongue around hers. It wasn"t a hard kiss full of heat or desperation, it was simply a goodbye. A see-you-later and an I"ll-be-thinking-about-you. Naomi was a little stunned at first, but she quickly responded, leisurely moving her mouth with mine. I pulled away a couple minutes later and saw that she looked dazed.
"What was that for?" she asked quietly as we continued staring at one another. That tiny spark of fear was in her eyes, but she didn"t back down.
"Do I need to have a reason?"
"Yes," she bit back as she glared at me.
I grinned.
She glared harder.
"Fine." I paused and let my eyes trail over her. My smile widened when my gaze landed on her necklace. It was a simple, silver four-leaf clover on a thin silver chain. It was the first time she"d worn it. The clover and chain both looked polished, like it was well taken care of. It fell perfectly in between her collarbones, almost like they were a frame meant for it. I brought my hand up and gently ran my fingers over the charm. She shuddered and sucked in a sharp breath in response.
"This," I whispered.
"What?" The word was shaky and laced with fear, and it was the most emotion I"d heard from her so far. When I looked up she was staring at me with a mixture of apprehension and wonder.
"I kissed you because of this." Naomi"s expression morphed into confusion. I shrugged and took a couple steps back. "You needed a reason."
My smile went unreturned as her intense gaze continued to bore into me. She looked completely bewildered and I had no idea why. My smile finally fell when she gave me a quick, dismissive nod and scurried into her car, not even bothering to put her seat belt on before she backed out and sped out of the parking lot, away from me.
What were the odds? Seriously, I would like someone who didn"t suck at statistics (unlike myself) to calculate the odds of Damien picking the one thing on my body that had to do with my mother as his "reason" for kissing me. It would have been a really sweet moment if it hadn"t reminded me of her. But I couldn"t exactly be annoyed about it because a) he had no clue and b) I was the one wearing the stupid thing.
I put it on the day she gave it to me and had worn it every single day until graduation. Even as they wheeled her out on a stretcher down our driveway, and all the way through her prison sentence, I wore it. But the second I looked up into the stands as I walked across the stage on graduation day and found her chair empty, I ripped it off and shoved it in my pocket. And I hadn"t touched it since I threw it in my jewelry box four years earlier.
But these last few weeks since my mom had first contacted me, I found myself drifting toward it more and more. Until yesterday when I finally opened the d.a.m.n thing, lifting the main compartment and picking up the only necklace I kept underneath. I could never seem to get rid of it, and now it was back on my neck, hidden under my shirts so Derek and Alara didn"t see.
I hadn"t planned on wearing it with any regularity again. It was impractical, resting high on my chest, and with only a few shirts that could conceal it. If my brother or best friend ever saw it, they"d flip. They"d ask questions and want to know what I was feeling and what this meant and blah blah blah...
I could still remember, with perfect clarity, the night she gave it to me.
I was just about to start high school, and even though I"d started to distrust her and our relationship was strained, I could still see how much she cared. Despite everything, I knew how much she loved me. Unlike my father, who left and never looked back, my mother at least tried.
My mom had come into my room and sat on the edge of my bed. I"d been reading but I quickly put the book down when I saw how serious she was.
"Mom," I"d said. "Is everything okay?"
"Everything"s perfect." She pulled out a plain black box with a thin white ribbon wrapped around it and handed it over. I looked from the box to the wide smile on her face, which erased any remnants of worry that had remained.
"Well... open it!" My mom was practically bouncing as she waited for me to gently untie the string and remove the lid. I stared down at the delicate four-leaf clover twinkling back at me, situated on a thin silver chain. "I remember whenever I first started a school year I was always super nervous, and freshman year, your first year of high school... it"s a big one. I wanted you to have something special for it. A little luck to help you navigate." She was beaming from ear to ear as she leaned forward and lightly stroked the necklace.
"I"m not really nervous." I was a little worried that admitting that would take away from the special moment she was trying to give me, but if anything it made her smile wider.
"Of course you"re not. You never are. You attack things, not the other way around. It"s one of the reasons I"m most proud of you, Naomi. You never let yourself be brought down by anything. You"re strong." Her smile wavered slightly, and I knew it was because she was thinking about how she wasn"t strong.
"It"s pretty. But I don"t need luck." I said this slowly so she really understood my next words. "I"m perfectly capable of handling everything life throws at me on my own. Like you said, I"m strong. I"m capable." I wanted her to understand that she couldn"t keep waiting for luck to turn her life around. She had to decide to be better. She could be strong and capable, too. But I couldn"t come right out and say all that, so I just had to hope she heard what I was really getting at. I smiled in an attempt to soften my words.
I could see in my mother"s eyes that she knew what I was saying, but she continued to smile, undeterred. Then she removed the box from my hands and set it down beside us. She pulled me against her in a tight hug and whispered in my ear, "We could all use some luck, pretty girl."
Now, I wondered... maybe I wasn"t the only one trying to say something without actually saying it.
I arrived home from my s.e.xcapade with Damien, quickly waving at Alara and Gabe before going straight to my room. Once inside, I immediately removed the necklace and shoved it back in the hidden compartment. After changing into a pair of loose boxers and an oversized T-shirt, I walked back out to join my friends in the common room.
"Hey." Gabe nodded and gave me a warm smile before turning back toward the television. His arm was wrapped around Alara"s shoulders, gently stroking her hair. My roommate gave me a lazy smile before her eyelids fluttered closed and she rested her head fully against her boyfriend"s shoulder.
I grabbed a water from the kitchen before slumping down into the armchair and throwing my legs over the armrest, relishing the soreness of the lower half of my body.
"Why are you so happy?" Alara asked suspiciously.
I raised my brows and looked over at her. "What"s wrong with me being happy? I"m always happy."
"Nothing." She shook her head and I saw Gabe smile as her hair tickled his chin. "It"s just..."
"She"s surprised you"re not crabbier now that you"re not getting any," Gabe supplied helpfully. My roommate elbowed him in the side before shoving off him and scooting to the other end of the couch, closer to me. His brows furrowed and he looked genuinely hurt that she moved a foot away. I rolled my eyes as she started apologizing to me.
"He"s exaggerating. I just... I"m concerned. I know how much you love..." She trailed off as her cheeks turned pink.
"s.e.x?" I finished for her, and she nodded while picking at her sleep shorts. "Well, thank you for being concerned about my s.e.xual well-being, but I"m fine."
Alara"s eyebrows shot up her forehead, and behind her I saw a similar expression on Gabe"s face. They both knew how I could get. But I wasn"t ready to tell them about Damien and whatever it was we had going on.
Minutes later, my best friend still looked unsure, but thankfully Gabe was too busy trying to get back in her good graces for her to focus on me much longer.
I was now, more than ever, grateful for Gabe"s presence in our lives. He distracted my roommate quite a bit and a few nights later, when I knew Alara would be sleeping at Gabe"s, I had the chance to ask Damien to come over to my place for a change.
It was Friday night and he was working at Swerved, but he promised he"d try to get out early to take advantage of the fact that my apartment would be completely empty for the next twelve hours. The random hours we"d had in his apartment when Ellie needed to go out, and the quickies we"d thrown in in the bathrooms or closets of Swerved weren"t enough.
Damien was due over any minute, so I fastened my short white robe around myself, smoothing down the fluffy fabric before taking one last look in the mirror. I kept my makeup simple, only a couple coats of mascara and some nude lip balm that tasted like mint. Even though, at that moment, I couldn"t see what was hidden underneath the robe, I still smiled at what I knew, pleased with my choice. It was a simple lingerie set: a white thong connected to white thigh high stockings, and a simple white bra with black lace sewn overtop, pushing my b.o.o.bs up impossibly high.
The knock sounding at the door had me quickly pinching my cheeks a few times and puffing up my hair. My bare feet made soft thumps against the floor as I crossed our small apartment. Looking through the peephole, I smiled at the sight. I"d never get used to how attractive he was. His sandy blond hair was tied up high on the back of his head, and his large frame was encased perfectly in his all black Swerved attire. Without wasting any more time, I opened the door and leaned against the frame, twirling the robe"s belt.
"h.e.l.l-" I hadn"t even gotten one full word out before Damien smashed his mouth down on mine. This pa.s.sion wasn"t anything new, but it surprised me every time. How in command he was, how much he wanted me. Why hadn"t it always been like this? Why didn"t I realize this was what I deserved? This was what Caleb deserved too. I wasn"t too proud to admit I never gave him this level of want either. Our s.e.x life had been pretty d.a.m.n good, but nothing compared to this. This was an entirely different level of want. And everyone deserved someone who made me feel like Damien did.
He pulled back a few minutes later, both of us out of breath.
"Hey," he murmured before placing one last simple kiss on my lips. I smiled against them before he stepped away and looked me over for the first time. His eyes widened in appreciation as he stared, his hungry gaze practically setting me on fire. I slowly wrapped my hands around the drawstrings before undoing the knot and pulling the robe open. Placing my hands on my bare hips to keep it open, I felt the cool air hit my skin as goose b.u.mps completely ruined the fact that I"d shaved my legs this afternoon. But the way Damien was looking at me, it was more than worth it. It was a tantalizing mixture between tender and carnal as he continued to eye f.u.c.k me.
Rowdy male voices sounded down the hall, and as they got closer I saw Damien"s eyes narrow before he quickly shoved me back and entered my apartment. He turned away from me to slap the door closed before locking it. I watched him take several deep breaths, his shirt rising and falling with his ma.s.sive frame, before he pivoted around. His eyes were practically black as he stalked toward me with a scowl on his face.
"What?" I asked with mock innocence as I shuffled backward. "You don"t like it?"
He growled. "I f.u.c.king love it. What I don"t love"-he paused and grabbed my hips, pulling me toward him-"is the idea that all those a.s.sholes would have f.u.c.king loved it, too. You can"t stand in the G.o.dd.a.m.n doorway dressed like this."
He didn"t give me a chance to respond before he sealed his mouth over mine and started backing me down the hall.
I"d say the lingerie was a success...