We spent the rest of the afternoon lounging around watching movies, and I felt settled in a way I hadn"t in a long time. I had a boyfriend I was in love with, a best friend who was the happiest she"d ever been, and my mom was finally clean and back in my life.
Things weren"t perfect. We still needed to get Sherry to open up and trust us. I still needed to completely smooth things over with Derek. And I needed to put everything on the table where Damien was concerned.
But despite all the things that still needed to be taken care of, I couldn"t remember a time when everything felt so in place.
Finally, things were looking up.
"Why is it so cold in here all the time?" Ellie asked as she shivered and worked her teeth in a chatter. She was sitting on the couch, bundled up in fleece pajama bottoms and a sweatshirt, as she ate her cereal. I shrugged while hiding a secret smile.
Truth? I"d started keeping the temperature a little lower a few weeks ago, once Naomi began staying over with more regularity. Ellie loved turning a fan on at night so she could have the pleasure of bundling up under a blanket and I never understood that. But I was starting to get it a little more. If asked, I"d deny it, but I lowered the temperature when I discovered the pleasure of having Naomi wrapped around me at night. It felt indescribably good to wake up with her snuggled against my side.
"No clue," I responded. Ellie never paid attention to anything home related, h.e.l.l, she probably didn"t even know where the thermostat was in our tiny apartment. But I did know my sister was usually colder than the average person. She was always the one who needed to bring an extra jacket, "just in case."
I was sitting at our tiny kitchen table, drinking coffee, when Naomi shuffled out of my room five minutes later in my black boxers and her black form-fitting tank top-sans bra. My mouth watered as my gaze zeroed in on her erect nipples. Now I was very grateful for lowering the temperature.
"Oh geez," Ellie groaned. I looked over to see her eyes flying between my girlfriend"s b.r.e.a.s.t.s and me, and I could tell she thought she had figured it out. Fine. I"d rather her think I was a perv than some sap. Rolling her eyes, she set her bowl on the coffee table before making her way to her bedroom.
Naomi put her nose near her armpit before raising an eyebrow at me. "Do I smell?" she asked before she got out the b.u.t.ter, milk, and eggs.
I smiled, rising and walking to the stove, where I wrapped my arms around her from behind. She gently placed her hands on my forearms before melting into my embrace and tipping her head back against my shoulder.
"Hey." Her eyes slid closed as I placed a soft kiss against her neck. She shivered and blindly turned her head toward me, searching. Naomi moaned into my mouth when I fused our lips together. The kiss felt endless, and yet entirely too short as she pulled away and started making breakfast.
My sister returned moments later wrapped in her comforter, giving me a pointed glare.
"Hey, Ellie." Naomi turned and threw her a bright smile before pointing to the pan with her spatula. "Want some eggs?"
"No, thank you. I have my cereal." Ellie held up the bowl as proof before diving back in and turning up the volume on the TV.
"So... how"s Grayson?"
I froze in my seat. I was back at the table and Naomi shot me a pointed look to stay out of it.
Yeah, that wasn"t happening. I swiveled in my seat so I was looking directly at Ellie. Her face was beet red and her eyes were wide as she looked back and forth between us. Brows raised, I waited for an answer.
My sister cleared her throat and shifted in her seat. "Uh... good?"
"When are you hanging out again?"
Her eyes flew to mine once more. Naomi turned around and nodded toward her with a smile, saying go ahead.
"H-he said he"d help me go shopping for some baby stuff tomorrow."
"That"s great! You guys-"
"Can I have a word?" I interrupted my girlfriend, who was practically beaming.
"Nope."
"Watch the eggs, Ells." I gently gripped Naomi"s arm and steered her toward my bedroom. She was laughing as I shoved her through.
"What are you doing?" I hissed.
"I was making breakfast."
"Cute." My tone became low and serious, trying to avoid Ellie"s ears. "Why are you pushing her toward him?"
Hers became just as solemn. "Why are you trying to keep them apart? You think she"s not good enough for him?" From the twinkle in her eye, I knew she knew that was not the reason.
"That"s complete bulls.h.i.t, and you know it." Putting my hands on her shoulders, I rubbed them affectionately. "Grayson... he"s different. He"s married to his job. I don"t know if he has time for anyone. He"s being nice and helping her out, and I just don"t want her to get the wrong idea. That would just hurt her more."
Naomi nodded, her eyes sad. She"d never seen them interact; h.e.l.l, neither had I. But I was positive Grayson would stay away, I"d dropped many non-subtle hints the past few weeks and he"d always discretely nodded after.
"You"re still overbearing," she mumbled against my chest as I pulled her in for a hug.
"You love it." We both froze as my words sank in. Neither of us had said it yet, and I didn"t know why. I was positive she felt the same way, so what was I waiting for?
"Yeah," she murmured a minute later. I pulled back and looked down at her. I had no idea what I did to deserve her, but I vowed that a day wouldn"t go by where she didn"t know how much I loved her. Starting today.
"Naomi, I lo-"
"We never talked about Yale," she said suddenly.
I froze once more. The truth was, I hadn"t known what to say. I knew I wanted Naomi since the beginning, but I"d never considered that she could be leaving. And I really didn"t see how I could leave. Ellie was here, my jobs, connections I"d made regarding purchasing my own tattoo studio someday...
Nothing about my life suggested I could just up and leave.
"I know"-I paused, swallowing roughly-"but what"s there to say?" How could I ask her to stay? How could I let her leave? There was no easy solution.
She looked stricken. "I don"t know," she responded, pulling away from me.
Sorrow seeped into my bones. I had been a syllable away from telling her I loved her, and now we were discussing her leaving me. She never mentioned she would consider staying, but she seemed disappointed when I didn"t immediately beg her to. But...
f.u.c.k this.
Naomi didn"t play games. I didn"t play games.
Why were we playing this one?
"Do you want to stay?" I asked.
"I-"
"I love you." It flowed out naturally and before I"d even realized I was going to say it. Naomi"s head snapped back, her lips parted and eyes wide with shock. "From the very first time I saw you, even when I was being a jacka.s.s, there was just something about you. I"ve felt it since the beginning," I said calmly. "I want you to stay. Even if I shouldn"t. Even if asking you makes me a b.a.s.t.a.r.d."
She slowly shook her head. "But... you said... you said it was just meaningless s.e.x. You said you didn"t want a relationship either." She didn"t sound angry, just confused.
"You were having meaningless s.e.x," I explained. "No, not even that"s right. You thought you were having meaningless s.e.x. But did it ever really feel that way?" I paused and waited for her to confirm or deny it. When she didn"t, I trudged on. "Well regardless, it was never that way for me," I finished softly as I continued to stare into her clear, brown eyes. "I didn"t want you to feel any pressure. I didn"t want to scare you away."
"Was it that obvious?" She bit her lip.
"Yeah, sweetheart. It kinda was." I smiled before leaning forward and freeing her lip with my thumb, gently rubbing the afflicted area.
"Why did you even want me?" She shook her head with a small laugh. "I thought I p.i.s.sed you off half the time."
"No, you didn"t. And even if you had, it wouldn"t have mattered. If every relationship was agreeable all the time, the human race would have died out a long time ago." I smirked. But it quickly transformed into an affectionate smile as I stared at the girl I loved.
"The truth is you can be a pain in my a.s.s, you"re sloppy, sometimes I think you disagree with me just for the sake of disagreeing, you"re sa.s.sy, you-"
"I get it." She held up her hand. "I"m far from perfect." But instead of being put out like most people, she smiled.
"And I love you," I finished.
Her eyes misted with tears of joy, disappearing so quickly I wondered if I imagined them. "I love you, too."
Nothing else was said as I attacked her with my mouth, sealing us together with a permanency I felt in the very core of who I was. The banging of pans in the kitchen and distant voices from the television disappeared as I lost myself in Naomi.
In her arms.
In her kiss.
In her love.
I pulled the blanket over Naomi before padding toward the door, a soft smile playing on my lips as I quietly left the room.
"Your eggs are cold," my sister shouted. Ellie was sitting cross-legged on the couch, still bundled up, as she knitted.
"Jesus." I walked over and turned the TV down. "Are you trying to make sure the kid can hear or something?"
"No," she said. "I"m trying to make sure one of the first things he hears isn"t you and your girlfriend having s.e.x."
I smiled. I loved Naomi for so many reasons. But one of the big ones was how she was helping Ellie so much. Ellie would have never said something like that before. But Naomi was teaching her more than how to knit. She was showing her how to accept and love herself, something I"d struggled to help her with for years.
"Right." Nodding, I moved toward the kitchen.
"Is it so hard to believe he could like me?"
I stopped dead, about-facing so fast I almost fell. It took me a few seconds to catch up. So much had happened between leaving Ellie out here an hour ago and now. But the last thing she"d been thinking of was her relationship with Grayson. "No, of course not."
She frowned. "Then why do you think he"s just being nice to me? Oh G.o.d, has he said something to you? Have I been embarra.s.sing myself?"
I cringed; all the progress I"d seen moments ago had vanished.
"He hasn"t said anything, Ells. I promise. And I"m sorry, I didn"t mean to upset you. I just want you to be careful. You have a lot going on right now and I don"t want the stress to..."
It was like a lightbulb went off. "Oh. Yeah, I guess I didn"t think about it that way," she said quietly before gazing down at her stomach. We both knew that a big reason she drank in high school was because of my parents and all the stress they put on her.
"You"re right," she said even more softly. "It was a stupid idea."
"It"s not. He"d be lucky to be with you."
Ellie turned her head my way, defeat in her eyes and her sad smile. And that was when I knew Grayson had been right a couple weeks ago. I wasn"t making her better. In trying to protect her, I had solidified what my parents had instilled: that she wasn"t enough and she couldn"t handle her own life. I felt sick.
In trying to save her, I may have put her in even more danger of self-doubt. And maybe that had been the problem.
She didn"t need to be saved. Women, even fragile ones like Ellie, weren"t helpless creatures in need of rescuing. She could save herself.
I just needed to stand back, and let her.
I was sitting in my car with my acceptance letter in the front seat. I gripped the steering wheel one more time before opening the door and stepping onto the street. Letting my mother back into my life had been hard. But I didn"t regret it, because despite the mistakes she"d made, she was part of me. She was part of the reason I got accepted to law school; even though I hadn"t wanted to admit it, I wouldn"t be where I was today without her. She shaped my future, through her encouragement and her mistakes.
I wanted to tell her what she helped me achieve. I was excited to tell her.
I walked up her steps, a smile on my face and my future in my hand. As I knocked on her door, I let out a breath of relief. I was in such a different mindset than I was a month ago when I arrived on her doorstep for the first time.
Frowning when she didn"t answer, I swiveled my head and confirmed what I already knew. Her car was in the driveway. I tested the handle, finding it unlocked, and let myself in.
"h.e.l.lo? Mom?" The house was dark, save for a light coming from the back hallway. I moved toward it slowly as a chill went down my spine. It seemed like years before I reached the entrance to the bathroom.
But it wasn"t years later.
In fact, it felt like the opposite. Like I was shoved back in time.
Except that wasn"t right either. I was still here, frozen. The world still turning as sunlight continued to slowly slip away. Finally, my gaze moved, focusing on the one thing I hadn"t let myself look at yet.
My eyes welled.
My stomach dropped.
And my heart broke.
"Mom?" my voice cracked as I rushed forward. I dropped to my knees beside her unconscious body. Her skin was abnormally pale and her lips were blue. My trembling fingers gripped her arm as I tried to shake her awake, and I shuddered at the cold feel of her skin. My eyes lost focus on the small bag of heroin on the ground. It didn"t look used and next to it was an almost empty bottle of gin.
"No, no, no, no." I grabbed her by the shoulders and shook her again "Mom? Please, Mom, can you hear me?" Several moments pa.s.sed before I shook my head at how ridiculous I was being. Quickly pulling back, I checked her pulse. It was barely there, just a flutter, but it was there.
"Okay, okay," I muttered to myself. I needed to pull myself together, none of this would help, it was impractical. The hollow spot on my chest, where my lucky charm necklace normally sat, felt like it was on fire.
"Jules?" Mark"s voice sounded from the front door I"d entered through moments before. "I saw Naomi"s car outside, is she-?"
"Mark!" I yelled. A second later, heavy footfalls echoed through the house. "Call 911."
I looked up just as he skidded to a stop outside the door, his large, tattooed fingers clutching the frame. His face was paler than hers and his eyes were already blanketed with tears. As they fell, he came back to himself and moved forward to kneel beside me while taking his phone out of his back pocket.
"911, what"s your emergency?" I heard the operator say.
"I think my girlfriend"s overdosed," he said as he gave a dismissive glance to her stash.