At this point, I thought it odd but could put no further effort to it. I was worried about Sherry. What in the heck was wrong with Merrick? It was like he was possessed. He thought of Sherry as something precious and fragile. He never talked to Sherry like that. Never would have pushed her. No, I understand he"d be angry if he had caught us but, his voice is what worried me. So...cold.
Sherry looked completely and utterly out of her mind with grief. We all had a long night with hardly no sleep and no one had had breakfast yet. I"m sure that didn"t help the situation but...something is going on here. Something is not right.
I decide to go see if Lillian is up yet.
As I pa.s.s the commons room I see Merrick sitting on the stairs, so naturally I avoid the stairs, but I see Piper beside him. Her hands are rubbing his back and he"s got his face in his hands.
She looks happy. Too happy to be consoling someone who"s marriage may be on the fritz. Way too happy. Once again, I"m too agitated to think. I let the thought go as I see her leaning forward to press her head to his and whisper. Merrick doesn"t seem thrilled by her comfort but isn"t pushing her away either. What is going on here?
I make it to Lillian"s room. She"s laying there but not asleep. I knock softly to let her know I"m coming in but wait for no answer. These rooms don"t have real doors like the other ones. They are just plywood pieces with wide gaps so there is plenty of light pouring in.
Plenty of light to see her face, calm and pale with tears streaming.
I wonder if any of us will make it through this day when half the females in the joint are either crying in hysterics, crying in guilt and grief or like Piper, happy in everyone else"s misery.
Four"s A Crowd
Chapter 19 - Merrick.
The stair is digging into my thigh I"ve been here so long. Sitting here. Wondering what I"m gonna do. How could she? How could he?
Why? WHY?
All the while Piper"s hand on my back to soothe me. To calm me but it"s doing everything but. I"ve all but bit her head off, and even did that too, to get her to leave me alone since we found Sherry and Cain together last night. She"s followed me around, consoled me, spoken rea.s.surances in my mind, rubbed my back constantly. I should be thankful that someone is willing to try to make me feel better but I"m not. Anyone but her maybe but I"m tired of telling her to go away so I just sit, tolerate her and try to process what"s going on.
It must be the body. This human body because literally, the memory of them together will not leave my brain. Even when I physically force it out and try to think of something else, it remains and lets no other thing in.
Cain had Sherry pressed against the wall, the crook of her knee hugged around his palm, her leg wrapped around his waist. Her arms around his neck and their bodies smashed together. They looked comfortable, like they had done this before. More than once and more in depth.
She was kissing him like she kisses me, in our room. Pa.s.sionately, deeply and intensely and I stood there frozen and watched unable to look away. When she leaned her head back to give him access to her throat and he trailed his tongue and mouth down her neck and she moaned- It was too much. I couldn"t say anything, couldn"t do anything but get away immediately. Then I came into the commons room and saw so many people who needed my help. So much to do. So I dove in head first and pushed Piper off, more than once. "Are you ok?", "Let me help you.", "She was never meant to be with someone like you," Piper chimed constantly, over and over and touched me, petted my arm, patted my back, grabbed my hands.
It was too much as well. I was stunned and finally got her to leave and then Sherry walks in and acts like nothing happened. Like she wasn"t betraying me and there was nothing wrong. Like she wasn"t just with my best friend in the most intimate way. I was stunned some more.
I thought back to her life. Never saw this in her. Never saw that she could do this to another person. I thought long and hard and wanted to believe it was a trick. But the scene of them just kept playing. Over and over and over.
Then when I asked her about it she flat denied it but I"d seen it. With my own eyes. Her denial and tears plus the image of her and Cain all mixing together and jumbling was too much and I snapped. I was angry at her, which I"d never been before and it scared me as much as it fueled me. I yelled, I gritted my teeth, I fumed. She looked extremely stricken and frightened, making me even more angry because I felt justified.
I knew I was doing it but couldn"t stop. I went to talk calmly to her, confront her and get her confession and go from there but her denial? No. That I couldn"t handle. Not with what I"d seen.
As I sit here now, spying Cain from the corner of my eye, ignoring me and heading back down the same hall I"d seen their transgression, I feel sick. I feel even sicker when the loop of them in my head gets to the part of her moan. The moan that I had thought I was the only man to ever make her do.
I know Sherry"s back there right now, alone. Crying and hurt but what can I do? Am I supposed to just pretend it didn"t happen because it breaks my heart to see her cry?
Did I really think a human woman could love me as a human man? Yes I did. Sherry fooled me, but how? She can"t lie? And yet, she lied so flawlessly last night when she was trying to banish my accusations.
Finally, Pipers hand has rubbed an uncomfortable spot on my shoulder blade and I"ve had enough.
"Stop, Piper." I roll my shoulder to sling her hand off. "I"ve already told you. I...appreciate you trying to help me but I don"t want it right now. Would you please just leave me by myself for while."
"Merrick, I just want to help you. I want you to know that when Sherry wasn"t here for you, I was. Your own kind. Me."
"That is abundantly clear, Piper."
Too much. I got up and went to my room. Our room, alone and shut the door. Immediately I heard a knock and opened it, praying it wasn"t Sherry.
It wasn"t. It was Piper.
"Piper! Come on. You can not be this dense," I yell completely frustrated.
"Can I come in? I"ve been thinking about something. I want to run it by you, in private."
"Piper, not now," I growled.
"If you let me in, I"ll leave you alone for the rest of the day, I promise."
I consider it and think the price of a day of being left completely alone is just about worth anything.
"Fine. Hurry. I"m tired."
"Thanks." She saddled pa.s.sed me and brushed her chest with mine as she did it.
It was all I could do not to roll my eyes and grab her arm, throwing her out of the room in the process.
"Ok, now what, Piper?"
"I think you should get back at her. I know that sounds juvenile but, you deserve more than this. She deserves to be hurt like you were. You"ve only ever been with one woman. Maybe you should try it with someone else to see what"s it like."
This should have stunned me but it didn"t. At this point. I expected no less from her.
"This is your big advice? To have s.e.x with you?"
"Me? Well, I wouldn"t stop you if that"s what you mean," she said and trailed a finger down my chest.
I slapped it away, not gently and grabbed her arm.
"Out."
"Is it this body? Because it"s only sixteen years old? Don"t be fooled by it, Merrick. It"s still me in here."
"I"m not fooled, I know exactly who"s in there."
"Merrick, just think about it. I wonder if Keepers in human bodies are any different than real humans during the act. It"d be worth some research I think."
She glanced towards the door and back to me. Then pushed me against the wall before I could move and pressed herself to me. Then kissed me. I pushed her back just as I saw light.
Sherry.
Sherry was standing in the doorway, watching with wide betrayed eyes. At first I thought, how dare she be upset. But even in these situations, retaliation isn"t the way to handle it.
"Sherry," I said, her name just popped out.
I surveyed Piper and I and saw what Sherry saw. Piper was in our room with me, our dark room, and she had me pinned to wall with her lips mere inches from mine still.
Sherry turned and walked slowly away without a word. I was so drained. So done. I pushed Piper out with force to the hallway, amid her protest to let her stay.
I shut and locked the door and laid down determined not to see anyone or hear anything else for the rest of the day. I was exhausted and it didn"t take long to start to drift. The only thing I couldn"t shut off as I fell to sleep was the loop in my head of Sherry and Cain in the hall.
Their betrayal.
It"s Complicated
Chapter 20 - Lillian.
I woke up, still in my clothes from the day before, to Cain tapping softly on my door. I lift my head and he"s there. Just like last night, a guilty, sorrowful and sorry face on.
I remember what happened last night. I remember everything. Mitch.e.l.l is dead. I don"t remember crying much. Not serious crying. I just remember Cain and him taking me away from the crowd, where I didn"t want to be, and staying with me for hours, my feet were in his lap and every now and then he would caress my leg rea.s.suringly, as if to say "I"m still here".
Now, here he was again. And I couldn"t think of a single thing to say to him. I"d lost the last two men I cared about, within the same year. No, I wasn"t in love with Mitch.e.l.l but I still cared about him and it still wasn"t fair that I never got to explore that if that"s what I had wanted. He was my best friend, ever in my life.
Cain sat down beside me and pulled my feet into his lap once more and closed his eyes. We sat there for who knows how long. A couple hours dragged by. I knew because the glow from Cain"s watch was the only thing there to focus on. I think Cain slept but I couldn"t anymore. Eventually he opened his eyes and looked over at me.
"Hey," he said softly.
"Hey," I said and was glad to see I"d found my voice.
"I"d ask how you slept but, I bet I can guess the answer."
"Surprisingly good for the circ.u.mstances. What does that say about me, huh?" I said and wiped the tears from my face.
"That you were exhausted and grieving."
"Yeah. I guess. How are you? You didn"t sleep in here the whole night did you?"
"Uh...yeah."
"Did you at least lay down?"
"I slept sitting up. It"s good for the joints."
I was so glad to see that Cain would still be his same jokey self around me. I needed that now, more than anything else.
"Uhuh. So what you"re saying is, you thought I"d freak if I woke up and you were laying beside me."
"Yeah, pretty much."
I laughed. I astonished even myself. I immediately wiped the smile off my face and felt the first wave of true guilt since I"d woken up.
My face must have said as much because he leaned over beside me.
"Hey." He rubbed my shoulder. "It"s ok to laugh. You don"t think he"d want you to be sitting here crying all day, do you?"
"No. He wouldn"t. Cain. I feel so guilty. He really liked me and I...well I went out and had every intention of having fun with you." I confessed all, to clear my conscience. I wasn"t catholic, but at this point, I felt it couldn"t hurt to get it all out. "If that meant kissing, then so be it. I was actually hoping you"d kiss me. I had made the decision to be over Michael. To be done with grieving and move on. It didn"t have to be Mitch.e.l.l. Though I didn"t feel the same I figured I might could try with him. But I had no idea that you might feel something for me other than friendship until last night, unless last night was just party kisses." He started to interrupt, to contradict but I held up my hand and then continued.
"But to be honest, the reason I feel so much guilt over the whole thing, wasn"t because I felt like I betrayed him, it was because I didn"t care enough about him. After kissing you last night, I had planned on telling Mitch.e.l.l that I wasn"t interested in him that way. And now...I"ll never get to tell him. He died thinking I was out thinking about him and liking him as more than just a friend."
"Maybe it"s better that way. He died happy."
"Maybe. But it doesn"t make me feel any better. I miss him already. He was my best friend-" I choked and sniffled. "Before we came here I had no idea that Keepers...dated. I honestly thought he was just protective because that"s what Keepers were. And then when we got here and I saw Merrick and Jeff. It made me wonder about his feelings for me and then he confirmed my suspicions. When he kissed me, it felt good. But it was because it"d been so long since anyone had shown me any real affection. Or so I thought. It was just so good to kiss someone again. Is that terrible?"
"No." He chuckled sadly and scooted over next to me on the floor, pulling me into his side. "No. I don"t think that"s terrible. I think you"re human. We were made to love each other, weren"t we? All you need is love and all that."
"Yeah. I guess so." I punched him lightly in his gut. "Worse Beatles song ever, by the way."
He laughed but I still felt terrible, inside and out. I felt terrible that I hadn"t cried it out yet and felt on the verge of bursting. I felt terrible that Cain"s warmth was seeping through my shirt and I wanted to just lay here with him all day and not move. I felt terrible that I needed a shower and that"s what I was thinking about.
"Well, you want to get some breakfast? I haven"t eaten yet this morning. We"ve had a little...drama going on."
"Do tell," I croaked trying to direct the conversation to something else.
"Maybe later, when I can process it. Sleep deprivation and starvation don"t mix. Breakfast?"
"Do you mind if we just stay here for a while longer? You can lay down with me this time. Or-" I had a sudden revelation that he probably was tired of looking after me and ready to go on with his day. "You know what? I"m sorry. You go. I"m gonna just stay here for a little bit and I"ll see you later ok? Thank you for staying with me last night."
"Whoa," he said in defense and looked at me funny. "About face. What"s wrong?"
"I"m sure you don"t want to sit here with me all day."
"I make my own choices. Always have."