I looked up to his face. He was watching, waiting. He wasn"t anxious or bubbling like he thought I"d be excited about whatever was in that little box. He just watched me. Knowing me. Waiting patiently. Always about me. Never about him. Always.
"What do you get a girl who already has everything she wants?" I asked and he smiled shyly.
I thought about what it could be and wanted to cry before I even put my finger under the crease to ease the paper away. It tore easily and what I saw inside did bring tears. Big fat grateful loving tears.
It was a silver heart charm. I immediately knew that it would fit around the charm already on my necklace. That his charm would surround the other two silver hearts around my neck and they would all fit together. And that he meant it to be that way. It was perfect.
"How?" I asked looking down at it in awe and felt him swipe at a tear on my chin with his finger.
"Cain and Pap helped me make and solder it. I made it out of a soda can." He chuckled sadly, like he should be ashamed of that fact. "We melted it down and shaped it and... anyway. I had no idea what to do for you. Once again I feel the need to apologize for my inability to buy you real jewelry-"
I cut him off with a kiss. I"m talking about a kiss. I kissed him like there was not another second left to live. I can"t believe him. How did he come up with that idea? He"s just so...gosh darn sweet. I"m shocked at my ability to still be surprised and also Merrick"s ability to always be thoughtful. Always planning, always thinking. About me.
He broke away from the kiss and laughed breathlessly, placing his forehead against mine.
"I take it you like it then?"
"I love it. You couldn"t have gotten me anything else to make me more happy."
"I just wanted you to have something that went along with what you already are. You love that necklace and I"m not trying to impose on it-"
I cut him off again, this time with my fingers on his lips.
"No, Merrick. You belong here." I grabbed my necklace and rubbed it between my fingers with my free hand. "This is all I have left of my family. You"re my family now. I love it," I reiterated firmly.
He kissed my fingers and hugged me, picking me up off the floor as I held the box in my hand over our heads where my arms rested, like the precious object it was.
"Thank you," I whispered in his ear.
"You"re welcome, baby. I"m glad you like it."
I pulled back to look at him.
"So, you remembered, but at least Danny didn"t."
He grimaced.
"Don"t count on it," he muttered.
Ugh.
Danny, in fact, kept his part mellow and low key.
Birthdays were always the weirdest things in my family. The things that we always made a big deal about. Always at the lake, rain or shine, always under the willow tree, always useless odd gifts, always organic cake bought from the completely vegan organic place on the other side of town, way out of the way, but they were in the same book club as my mom. Hippie book club.
The reading list was Dharma b.u.ms by Jack Kerouac, A New Model of the Universe by P. D. Ouspensky, Awakening the Buddha Within by Lama Surya Das, The Politics of Ecstasy by Timothy Leary.
Needless to say, I steered clear of the book club.
I never understood why school wasn"t important to them. Education. Not in a real sense anyway. My mom read her books like they held secrets but frowned upon the idea of college and was practically dragged to our high school graduations.
"How can I endorse a public school education when they teach our kids to be mindless sheep of the political agendas and thoughts of the world that had been established through greed and the rape of our earth, our minds and our choices," she"d say like a true spoken left wing.
Harsh is was it was. We were her kids. And she thought there were things more important, right at that minute, that watching us graduate? Or missing it just to make a point? But didn"t she send us to the public school? If it was that important to her, why didn"t she just home school us?
I mean my dad had to go to college to become a dentist, but mom always hated that fact. She didn"t even finish high school.
They"d met at a party. Some type of save-the-animals rally thing. The only way to get admission was to be wearing some type of faux fur with red paint on it. Then, once everyone was high or drunk and exhausted from dancing and who knows what else, they"d walk the night life streets of Chicago and make a statement.
My parents had told me this story I can"t even count how many times, not even leaving out all the drug parts and unprotected "free love" to which Danny and I would beg them to stop. They talked about how this was the peak of their lives. They were the freest they"d ever been. The most influential. The happiest.
I wanted to say, wouldn"t now, having us and being parents be their happiest?
I"d counter "Mom, it"s not the sixties. People don"t refer to it as "free love" anymore. Now it"s called sleeping around. And how do you find these people? Those ideas of living that way are dead, not to mention dangerous."
She"d counter "Being free is always dangerous. And there"s a community of free believers, or hippies as you call them, anywhere where you are willing to put forth an effort to find them."
I"d roll my eyes, she"d call me a sullen brainwashed teenager and we"d call it even. Good times...
So Danny and Celeste had turned on the stereo in the second room. Andrew Belle was playing and I wondered where in the world had they gotten a c.d. of his from. Surely Phillip"s collection didn"t consist of it. Lillian was in there with them too as Merrick towed me in. They whispered "Surprise!" when I walked in. I laughed at them and looked around at the setting.
Danny had laid out a pallet, a picnic, of cookies with a lit candle in the middle on a saucer and there was a couple gifts on the blanket, wrapped in more magazine paper and Danny"s looked like it was wrapped in toilet paper. Hmm.
The lights were off, so it was only the soft glow of the candle but I could still see their faces. Celeste grabbed me from Merrick"s grasp and hugged me tightly before pulling me down to the pallet beside her.
"Danny told me all about your parents. About how they used to take you on picnics so we thought you might like this. It was all Danny"s idea though." She looked up at him smiling. "Your brother is so sweet."
"Come on. You helped," Danny said settling down beside her and Merrick nestled himself behind me, pulling me against him for support. "Besides, I wasn"t sure if you"d like it or not. I mean, our parents haven"t exactly won any awards for parental guidance or thoughtfulness, especially lately."
"It"s great, Danny. Thank you," I said and realized I was still holding the box with Merrick"s heart in it.
I pulled it out and handed it to Merrick over my shoulder.
"Please?"
He smiled and moved my hair over to reach the clasp. After a few seconds he replaced it, trailing his fingers along the chain down my neck and collarbone a little longer than needed, making me shiver. I looked down to see it just as I had pictured it. All three hearts nestled together perfectly.
"It turned out good," Danny said and I looked at him sharply.
"You knew about this?" I asked, rubbing the charm with my fingers, getting a feel for the newness of it.
"Course I did," he said proudly, at having known the secret before me. "Merrick asked me if he thought- ow!"
Merrick kicked Danny"s leg and he was glaring at him comically.
"Shut it, Special," Merrick rumbled. Celeste was covering her mouth trying not to laugh. "I gotta have some secrets," he said and kicked Danny again, more gently this time, to drive home his threat.
Celeste burst out laughing.
"Hey!" Danny said, pulling her into his lap. "You"re supposed to be on my side."
Celeste just giggled, looking up at him affectionately and then snuggled happily back against him. I realized, I was sitting in between Merrick"s leg and Celeste was sitting on Danny"s lap and Lillian was just sitting there alone and quiet.
"Hey, Lillian."
"Hey," she smiled. "Happy Birthday. Here- oh, wait." She turned to Danny. "You wanna go first? I"m sorry."
"No. It"s ok. Mine"s lame anyway. Go ahead."
She handed a little soft bag to me that wasn"t wrapped. It was a little purple mesh pursebag with a short handle. It was very cute and very Lillian.
"Aw. Thanks, Lillian. It"s pretty," I said and reached out to touch her hand but didn"t leave Merrick"s lap.
"I know you don"t have a lot of use for something like that now but, it"s all I had left from my stuff. I certainly don"t need it anymore. Besides, Michael"s mom gave it to me."
"Lillian." I felt punched in the chest. "I can"t take this. This is special to you-"
"No. No, it"s not. Michael"s mom hated me. She especially knew I hated the color purple. Guess what color everything she ever got me was?" she said and laughed.
"You sure?"
"Positive."
"Thank you. This is perfect for a bath caddy. I always drop shampoo or something on the way to the bathroom. Thanks."
"You"re welcome."
"Me next!" Celeste chimed and squirmed to reach in her pocket.
"Ok." I closed my eyes and held my hands out in front of her. "Lay it on me."
I was completely giddy and happy by now. I hated being celebrated but this was nice. It felt so easy going to just sit and be with the people I love and not have silly balloons and false sentiments and songs and nasty cake. Plus, being reminded how much everyone cares about you, even though it"s apocalypse and it"s not like they could go out and buy me anything, really makes me feel awesome.
Celeste put something extremely light and soft in my hand. I opened my eyes and stared at it. It was a bracelet. A crocheted yarn bracelet. It had all the colors but it wasn"t rainbow tacky. It looked good like that and she had woven little designs that looked like circles with lines through it. I gasp.
The Keepers tattoo! She crocheted the Keepers symbol onto the bracelet for me. And something else that brought tears to my eyes. Crochet. She learned how to crochet, from Mrs. Trudy.
"I"ve been working on it for a week, every since Danny brought up that your birthday was coming. I know it"s a lame silly bracelet but...Mrs. Trudy-" She choked back a sob.
Danny squeezed her and then I hugged her to me.
"I know. Mrs. Trudy taught you to do this. I remember. Celeste, this is..." I pulled back to look at it again. "This is so fantastic. Thank you so much."
"No problem. Here."
She helped me put it on. It was a little stretchy so I could glide it on and off easily.
"How did you know if it would fit?" I asked.
"Easy. I took my wrist size and split it in half."
Everyone laughed and I pushed her shoulder playfully. I looked at Danny expectantly with raised eyebrows.
"What?" he asked me smiling. "You think I got you something?"
"Give it," I said and smiled.
"Ok. Alright, but I guarantee you, it"s lame. I"m not that crafty."
He handed me the two boxes wrapped in magazine paper and the one in toilet paper.
"Three?"
"Three," he said amused.
I opened toilet paper first. It was a folded picture of us as kids on Halloween, him as the white Power Ranger and me as the tooth fairy. Mom had always told us there was no tooth fairy. Me being the disgruntled "brainwashed" daughter I was, I wanted to prove her wrong. In the picture, we are standing with our arm around the others shoulder and holding our lantern buckets in the other hand. Missing teeth and big smiles.
"Danny, you kept this?" I asked and he nodded.
"It"s been in my wallet this whole time. I found it a few years ago, right after you moved out. Mom was throwing all your stuff out, the stuff you left and this got mixed in with it." He shrugged. "I snagged it."
"I can"t believe you had this." I leaned back to show it to Merrick. "Remember?" I asked him and he smiled.
"Of course."
"Of course." I smiled too. "Thanks, Danny. I don"t have not one picture. I never did. Mom wouldn"t let me take any when I left."
"I know. That"s why I want you to have it."
I was about to cry so I moved on, clearing my throat.
"Ok, next."