Well, that was part of what had gone wrong with Avery. Manipulation and abuse of power had played a huge role too.
Lissa"s sobs quieted. "How did you do that, Rose? How were you there at the end when I needed you? How did you know?"
"I was with another spirit user. I met her in Siberia. She can actively reach into people"s minds-anyone"s, not just those she"s bonded to- and communicate. Like Avery could, actually. Oksana reached into me while I connected to you. It"s really strange how it all went down."
To say the least. "Another power I don"t have," said Lissa ruefully.
I grinned. "Hey, I have yet to meet any spirit user who can throw a punch like you can. That was poetry in motion, Liss."
She groaned, but I sensed her pleasure at my use of the old nickname. "I hope I don"t ever have to do that again. I"m not meant to be a fighter, Rose. You"re the one who charges out there. I"m the one who waits with moral support and post-battle healing." She held up her hands and looked at them. "Ugh. No. I definitely don"t want to do any more hitting or punching."
"But at least now you know you can. If you ever want to practice..."
"No!" She laughed. "I"ve got too many things to practice with Adrian now-especially after you keep telling me about more and more things that everyone else can do with spirit."
"Fine. Maybe it"s best if things go back to how they were."
Her face sobered. "G.o.d, I hope so. Rose... I did so many stupid things while Avery was around." Through the bond, I felt her greatest regret: Christian. Her heart ached for him, and she"d shed a lot of tears. After having Dimitri ripped away from me, I knew how it felt to lose that kind of love, and I swore to myself that I"d do something to help her. But now wasn"t the time. She and I need to reconnect first.
"You couldn"t help it, though," I pointed out. "She was too strong with her compulsion-especially when she got you to drink and killed your defenses."
"Yeah, but not everyone knows that or will understand it."
"They"ll forget," I said. "They always do."
I understood her angst over her reputation, but I doubted there would be any truly permanent damage-aside from Christian. Adrian and I had a.n.a.lyzed Avery"s manipulation and figured things out once we"d paired it with Simon"s comment about Lissa having an unfortunate accident. Avery had wanted to make Lissa look unstable in the event Avery somehow didn"t have the strength to resurrect her. If Lissa actually died, no one would investigate much. After weeks of crazy, drunken behavior, her losing control and accidentally falling out of a window would be tragic but not completely out of the realm of possibility.
"Spirit"s a pain in the a.s.s," Lissa declared. "Everyone wants to take advantage of you-non-users like Victor and users like Avery. I swear, I"d go back on my medication if I wasn"t paranoid now about protecting myself from other Avery-type people. Why"d she want to kill me and not Adrian?
Why am I always the target?"
I couldn"t help a smile in spite of the grim topic. "Because she wanted you for a minion and him for a boyfriend. She probably wanted a guy who could help escalate her rise in society and couldn"t risk killing him in a bonding attempt. Or who knows? Maybe she would have eventually tried him, too. I honestly wouldn"t be surprised if she felt threatened by you and wanted to make sure she had the only other known female spirit user under her control. Face it, Liss. We could spend hours trying to figure out how Avery Lazar thinks and get nowhere."
"True, true." She slid off the bed and sat next to me on the floor. "But you know what? I feel like we could talk about anything for hours.
You"ve been here ten minutes, and it"s like... well, it"s like you never left."
"Yeah," I agreed. Before he was a Strigoi, being with Dimitri had always felt natural and right. Being with Lissa also felt natural and right - though it was a different kind of rightness. In my grief over Dimitri, I"d nearly forgotten what I had with her. They were two sides of me.
In that uncanny way she had of guessing thoughts, Lissa said, "I meant what I said earlier. I"m sorry for what I said-about acting like I have some right to dictate your life. I don"t. If you decide to stay or guard me, you do that by your choice and your kindness. I want to make sure you live and choose your own life."
"There"s nothing "kind" about it. I"ve always wanted to protect you. I still do." I sighed. "I just... I just had things to take care of. I had to get myself together-and I"m sorry I didn"t handle it with you very well." There was a lot of apologizing going on, but I realized that was how it was with people you cared about. You forgave each other and moved on.
Lissa hesitated before asking her next question, but I"d known it was coming. "So... what happened? Did you... did you find him...?"
At first, I didn"t think I wanted to talk about it, but then I realized that I needed to. And the thing was, a few different things had gone wrong with Lissa and me before. One had been that she"d taken me for granted. The other had been that I wouldn"t tell her the truth-and then I"d resent her for it later. If we were going to patch up this friendship and forgive each other, we had to make sure we didn"t repeat the past.
"I did find him," I said at last.
And I launched into the story, telling her everything that had happened to me: my travels, the Belikovs, the Alchemists, Oksana and Mark, the unpromised, and of course, Dimitri. Just as Lissa had joked earlier, we talked for hours. I poured out my heart to her, and she listened without judgment. Her face was compa.s.sionate the whole time, and when I reached the end, I was sobbing, all the love and rage and anguish I"d been holding onto since that night on the bridge exploding out of me. I hadn"t told anyone else in Novosibirsk exactly where I"d been during my time with Dimitri. I hadn"t dared tell anyone I"d been a blood wh.o.r.e for a Strigoi. I had stayed vague, hoping if I didn"t talk about it, then maybe it wouldn"t be real.
Now, with Lissa, I had to accept the reality of everything and truly feel it: I had killed the man I loved.
A knock at the door jolted us out of a world that contained only her and me. I glanced at the clock and was startled to see it was almost curfew time. I wondered if I was being thrown out. But when Lissa opened the door -after I"d hastily dried my eyes-the waiting dorm worker had a message of a different sort.
"Alberta wants to see you," the woman told me. "She thought you might be here."
Lissa and I exchanged glances. "When? Now?" I asked. The woman shrugged. "From the way she sounded? Yeah, I"d say now. Or sooner." She shut the door. Alberta was the captain of the guardians on campus, and when she spoke, people acted.
"I wonder what this is about?" asked Lissa.
I stood up, hating to leave. "Any number of things, I imagine. I"ll go see her and then head back to guest housing. Not that I"ll sleep. I have no clue what time zone I"m in anymore."
Lissa gave me a parting hug, one we both had a hard time letting go of. "Good luck."
I started to turn the door"s handle and then thought of something. I slipped the silver ring off of my finger and handed it to Lissa.
"Is this the ring you-oh!" She wrapped her hand around it, her face growing enraptured.
"Can you feel the magic in it?" I asked.
"Yeah... it"s weak, but it"s in there." She held the ring up to the light and stared at it. She probably wasn "t going to notice when I left because I had a feeling she"d be studying the ring all night. "It"s so strange. I can almost immediately feel how she did this."
"Mark said we probably had a while to go before we could do the healing they do... but maybe you could figure out how to make charms while we wait?"
Her jade green eyes were still on the ring. "Yeah... I think I might."
I smiled at her excitement and tried to leave again, but she caught my arm. "Hey... Rose... I know I"ll see you tomorrow, but..."
"But what?"
"I just wanted to say, after everything that"s happened... well, I don"t want us to ever have this kind of separation again. I mean, I know we can"t be together every single second-and that"s kind of creepy anyway-but we"re bonded for a reason. We"re meant to look out for each other and be there for each other."
Her words sent a shiver through me, like we were wrapped in powers greater than ourselves. "We will be."
"No, I mean... you"re always there for me. Every time, I"m in danger, and you come rushing in to save me. Not anymore."
"You don"t want me to save you anymore?"
"That"s not what I meant! I want to be there for you too, Rose. If I can throw a punch, I can do anything. Even though that really hurt." She exhaled in frustration. "G.o.d, I"m not making any sense. Look, the point is, if you ever have to go off alone, take me with you. Don"t leave me behind."
"Liss-"
"I"m serious." Her luminous beauty burned with determination and purpose. "Whatever obstacles you have to go against, I"m going to be there for you. Don"t go alone. Swear to me that if you ever decide to take off again, you"ll bring me. We"ll do it together."
I started to protest as a million fears came to my mind. How could I risk her life? Yet looking at her, I knew she was right. For better or worse, we had a bond we couldn"t escape. Lissa was indeed tied to that piece of my soul, and we were stronger fighting together than apart.
"Okay," I said, clasping her hand. "I swear it. The next time I go do something stupid that might get me killed, you can come along."
Chapter Thirty
Alberta was waiting for me in the front office of the guardians " administrative building. Alberta"s role as captain here was remarkable considering the lower numbers of women in our ranks. She was in her fifties and one of the toughest women I "d met. Her sandy hair was showing some gray, and years of working outdoors had weathered her skin.
"Welcome back, Rose," she said, standing up at my approach. She certainly didn"t hug me, and her manner was businesslike, but the fact that she used my first name was a generous gesture for her. That, and I thought I saw a small spark of relief and happiness in her eyes.
"Let"s go to my office."
I"d never been there. Any disciplinary issues I had with the guardians were usually addressed in committee. Unsurprisingly, the office was spotless, everything arranged with military efficiency. We sat on opposite sides of her desk, and I braced myself for an interrogation.
"Rose," she said, leaning toward me. "I"m going to be blunt with you. I "m not going to give you lectures or demand any explanations.
Honestly, since you aren"t my student anymore, I don"t have the right to ask or tell you anything."
It was like what Adrian had said. "You can lecture," I told her. "I"ve always respected you and want to hear what you have to say."
The ghost of a smile flashed on her face. "All right, here it is. You screwed up."
"Wow. You weren"t kidding about bluntness."
"The reasons don"t matter. You shouldn"t have left. You shouldn"t have dropped out. Your education and training are too valuable-no matter how much you think you know-and you are too talented to risk throwing away your future."
I almost laughed. "To tell you the truth? I"m not sure what my future is anymore."
"Which is why you need to graduate."
"But I dropped out."
She snorted. "Then drop back in!"
"I-what? How?"
"With paperwork. Just like everything else in the world."
To be honest, I hadn"t known what I"d do once I got back here. My immediate concern was Lissa-to be with her and make sure she was okay. I knew I couldn"t officially be her guardian anymore, but I"d figured once we were together, no one could stop her from hanging out with a friend. I"d be her hired bodyguard, so to speak, kind of like what Abe had. And in the meantime, I "d b.u.m around campus like Adrian.
But to enroll again? "I... I missed a month. Maybe more." My days were scattered. It was the first week of May, and I"d left near the end of March, on my birthday.
What was that? Five weeks? Almost six? "You missed two years and managed to catch up. I have faith in you. And even if you have trouble, graduating with low grades is better than not graduating at all."
I tried to imagine myself back in this world. Had it really only been a little over a month? Cla.s.ses... day-to-day intrigue... how could I just go back to that? How could I return to that life after seeing the way Dimitri"s family lived, after being with Dimitri and losing him-again.
Would he have said he loved me? "I don"t know what to say," I told Alberta. "This is kind of a lot to take in."
"Well, you should decide quickly. The sooner you"re back in cla.s.s, the better."
"They"ll really let me?" That was the part I found a little unbelievable.
"I"ll let you," she said. "No way am I letting someone like you get away. And now that Lazar is gone... well, things are crazy around here.
No one"s going to give me much trouble in filing the paperwork." Her wry smile slipped a little. "And if they do give us any trouble... I"ve been made to understand that you have a benefactor who can pull a few favors to smooth everything over."
"A benefactor," I repeated flatly. "A benefactor who wears flashy scarves and gold jewelry?"
She shrugged. "No one I know. Don"t even know his name-only that he"ll threaten to withhold a considerable donation to the school if you aren"t let back in. If you want in."
Yeah. Deals and blackmail. I was pretty sure I knew who my benefactor was. "Give me some time to think about it. I"ll decide soon-I promise."
She frowned, thoughtful, and then gave a sharp nod. "All right."
We both stood up, and she walked me toward the building"s entrance. I glanced over at her. "Hey, if I do graduate... do you think there"s ever any way I could be in line to be Lissa"s guardian officially again? I know they"ve already picked out people for her and that I"m in, ah, a bit of disgrace."
We stopped by the outer doors, and Alberta rested a hand on her hip. "I don"t know. We can certainly try. The situation"s gotten a lot more complicated."
"Yeah, I know," I said sadly, recalling Tatiana"s high-handed actions.
"But, like I said, we"ll do what we can. What I said about graduating with low grades? You won"t. Well, maybe in math and science-but that"s out of my control. You"ll be the best among the novices, though. I"ll work with you myself."
"Okay," I said, realizing what a concession that was on her part. "Thank you."
I had just stepped outside when she called my name. "Rose?"
I caught the door and glanced back. "Yeah?"
Alberta"s face was gentle... something I"d never seen before. "I"m sorry," she said. "Sorry for everything that happened. And that none of us could do anything about it."
I saw in her eyes then that she knew about Dimitri and me. I wasn"t sure how. Maybe she"d heard it after the battle; maybe she"d guessed beforehand. Regardless, there was no chastis.e.m.e.nt in her face, only sincere sorrow and empathy. I gave her a brief nod of acknowledgment and went outside.
I found Christian the next day, but our conversation was brief. He was on his way to meet with some of his trainees and was running late.
But he hugged me and seemed genuinely happy to have me back. It showed how far we"d come, considering the antagonistic relationship we"d had when we first met.
"About time," he said. "Lissa and Adrian get the market share on worrying about you, but they"re not the only ones. And someone needs to put Adrian in his place, you know. I can"t do it all the time."
"Thanks. It kills me to say this, but I missed you too. No one"s sarcasm compares to yours in Russia." My amus.e.m.e.nt faded. "But since you mentioned Lissa-"
"No, no." He held up his hand by way of protest, face hardening. "I knew you were going to go there."
"Christian! She loves you. You know that what happened wasn"t her fault-"
"I know that," he interrupted. "But it doesn"t mean it didn"t hurt. Rose, I know it"s in your nature to rush in and say what everyone else is afraid to, but please... not this time. I need time to figure things out."