SLEEP CAME RELUCTANTLY THAT NIGHT and I tossed and turned for a long time before finally going under.
An hour or so later, I sat up in bed, trying to relax and sort out the emotions coming to me.
Lissa. Scared and upset. Unstable. The night"s events suddenly came rushing back to me as I went through what could be bothering her. The queen humiliating her. Mia. Maybe even Christian-he could have found her for all I knew.
Yet...none of those was the problem right now. Buried within her, there was something else.
Something terribly wrong.
I climbed out of bed, dressed hastily, and considered my options. I had a third-floor room now-way too high to climb down from, particularly since I had no Ms. Karp to patch me up this time. I would never be able to sneak out of the main hall. That only left going through the "appropriate" channels.
"Where do you think you"re going?"
One of the matrons who supervised my hall looked up from her chair. She sat stationed at the end of the hall, near the stairs going down. During the day, that stairwell had loose supervision.
At night, we might as well have been in jail.
I crossed my arms. "I need to see Dim-Guardian Belikov."
"It"s late."
"It"s an emergency."
She looked me up and down. "You seem okay to me." "You"re going to be in so much trouble tomorrow when everyone finds out you stopped me from reporting what I know."
"Tell me."
"It"s private guardian stuff."
I gave her as hard a stare as I could manage. It must have worked, because she finally stood up and pulled out a cell phone. She called someone-Dimitri, I hoped-but murmured too low for me to hear. We waited several minutes, and then the door leading to the stairs opened. Dimitri appeared, fully dressed and alert, though I felt pretty sure we"d pulled him out of bed.
He took one look at me. "Lissa."
I nodded.
Without another word, he turned around and started back down the stairs. I followed. We walked across the quad in silence, toward the imposing Moroi dorm. It was "night" for the vampires, which meant it was daytime for the rest of the world. Mid-afternoon sun shone with a cold, golden light on us. The human genes in me welcomed it and always sort of regretted how Moroi light sensitivity forced us to live in darkness most of the time.
Lissa"s hall matron gaped when we appeared, but Dimitri was too intimidating to oppose. "She"s in the bathroom," I told them. When the matron started to follow me inside, I wouldn"t let her.
"She"s too upset. Let me talk to her alone first."
Dimitri considered. "Yes. Give them a minute."
I pushed the door open.
"Liss?"
A soft sound, like a sob, came from within. I walked down five stalls and found the only one closed. I knocked softly.
"Let me in," I said, hoping I sounded calm and strong. I heard a sniffle, and a few moments later, the door unlatched. I wasn"t prepared for what I saw.
Lissa stood before me...
...covered in blood.
Horrified, I squelched a scream and almost called for help. Looking more closely, I saw that a lot of the blood wasn"t actually coming from her. It was smeared on her, like it had been on her hands and she"d rubbed her face. She sank to the floor, and I followed, kneeling before her.
"Are you okay?" I whispered. "What happened?"
She only shook her head, but I saw her face crumple as more tears spilled from her eyes. I took her hands.
"Come on. Let"s get you cleaned-"
I stopped. She was bleeding after all. Perfect lines crossed her wrists, not near any crucial veins, but enough to leave wet, red tracks across her skin. She hadn"t hit her veins when she did this; death hadn"t been her goal. She met my eyes.
"I"m sorry...I didn"t mean...Please don"t let them know . . ." she sobbed. "When I saw it, I freaked out." She nodded toward her wrists. "This just happened before I could stop. I was upset...."
"It"s okay," I said automatically, wondering what "it" was. "Come on."
I heard a knock on the door. "Rose?"
"Just a sec," I called back.
I took her to the sink and rinsed the blood off her wrists. Grabbing the first-aid kit, I hastily put some Band-Aids on the cuts. The bleeding had already slowed.
"We"re coming in," the matron called.
I jerked off my hoodie sweatshirt and quickly handed it to Lissa. She had just pulled it on when Dimitri and the matron entered. He raced to our sides in an instant, and I realized that in hiding Lissa"s wrists, I"d forgotten the blood on her face. "It"s not mine," she said quickly, seeing his expression. "It...it"s the rabbit...."
Dimitri a.s.sessed her, and I hoped he wouldn"t look at her wrists. When he seemed satisfied she had no gaping wounds, he asked, "What rabbit?" I was wondering the same thing.
With shaking hands, she pointed at the trash can. "I cleaned it up. So Natalie wouldn"t see."
Dimitri and I both walked over and peered into the can. I pulled myself away immediately, swallowing back my stomach"s need to throw up. I don"t know how Lissa knew it was a rabbit.
All I could see was blood. Blood and blood-soaked paper towels. Globs of gore I couldn"t identify. The smell was horrible.
Dimitri shifted closer to Lissa, bending down until they were at eye level. "Tell me what happened." He handed her several tissues.
"I came back about an hour ago. And it was there. Right there in the middle of the floor. Torn apart. It was like it had...exploded." She sniffed. "I didn"t want Natalie to find it, didn"t want to scare her...so I-I cleaned it up. Then I just couldn"t...I couldn"t go back...." She began to cry, and her shoulders shook.
I could figure out the rest, the part she didn"t tell Dimitri. She"d found the rabbit, cleaned up, and freaked out. Then she"d cut herself, but it was the weird way she coped with things that upset her.
"No one should be able to get into those rooms!" exclaimed the matron. "How is this happening?"
"Do you know who did it?" Dimitri"s voice was gentle.
Lissa reached into her pajama pocket and pulled out a crumpled piece of paper. It had so much blood soaked into it, I could barely read it as he held it and smoothed it out.
I know what you are. You won"t survive being here. I"ll make sure of it. Leave now. It"s the only way you might live through this.
The matron"s shock transformed into something more determined, and she headed for the door.
"I"m getting Ellen." It took me a second to remember that was Kirova"s first name. "Tell her we"ll be at the clinic," said Dimitri. When she left, he turned to Lissa. "You should lie down."
When she didn"t move, I linked my arm through hers. "Come on, Liss. Let"s get you out of here."
Slowly, she put one foot in front of the other and let us lead her to the Academy"s medical clinic. It was normally staffed by a couple of doctors, but at this time of night, only a nurse stayed on duty. She offered to wake one of the doctors, but Dimitri declined. "She just needs to rest."
Lissa had no sooner stretched out on a narrow bed than Kirova and a few others showed up and started questioning her.
I thrust myself in front of them, blocking her. "Leave her alone! Can"t you see she doesn"t want to talk about it? Let her get some sleep first!"
"Miss Hathaway," declared Kirova, "you"re out of line as usual. I don"t even know what you"re doing here."
Dimitri asked if he could speak with her privately and led her into the hall. I heard angry whispers from her, calm and firm ones from him. When they returned, she said stiffly, "You may stay with her for a little while. We"ll have janitors do further cleaning and investigation in the bathroom and your room, Miss Dragomir, and then discuss the situation in detail in the morning."
"Don"t wake Natalie," whispered Lissa. "I don"t want to scare her. I cleaned up everything in the room anyway."
Kirova looked doubtful. The group retreated but not before the nurse asked if Lissa wanted anything to eat or drink. She declined. Once we were alone, I lay down beside her and put my arm around her.
"I won"t let them find out," I told her, sensing her worry about her wrists. "But I wish you"d told me before I left the reception. You"d said you"d always come to me first." "I wasn"t going to do it then," she said, her eyes staring blankly off. "I swear, I wasn"t going to. I mean, I was upset...but I thought...I thought I could handle it. I was trying so hard...really, Rose. I was. But then I got back to my room, and I saw it, and I...just lost it. It was like the last straw, you know? And I knew I had to clean it up. Had to clean it up before they saw, before they found out, but there was so much blood...and afterward, after it was done, it was too much, and I felt like I was going to...I don"t know...explode, and it was just too much, I had to let it out, you know? I had to-"
I interrupted her hysteria. "It"s okay, I understand."
That was a lie. I didn"t get her cutting at all. She"d done it sporadically, ever since the accident, and it scared me each time. She"d try to explain it to me, how she didn"t want to die-she just needed to get it out somehow. She felt so much emotionally, she would say that a physical outlet-physical pain-was the only way to make the internal pain go away. It was the only way she could control it.
"Why is this happening?" she cried into her pillow. "Why am I a freak?"
"You aren"t a freak."
"No one else has this happen to them. No one else does magic like I can."
"Did you try to do magic?" No answer. "Liss? Did you try to heal the rabbit?"
"I reached out, just to see if I could maybe fix it, but there was just too much blood...I couldn"t."
The more she uses it, the worse it"ll get. Stop her, Rose.
Lissa was right. Moroi magic could conjure fire and water, move rocks and other pieces of earth. But no one could heal or bring animals back from the dead. No one except Ms. Karp.
Stop her before they notice, before they notice and take her away too. Get her out of here.
I hated carrying this secret, mostly because I didn"t know what to do about it. I didn"t like feeling powerless. I needed to protect her from this-and from herself. And yet, at the same time, I needed to protect her from them, too. "We should go," I said abruptly. "We"re going to leave."
"Rose-"
"It"s happening again. And it"s worse. Worse than last time."
"You"re afraid of the note."
"I"m not afraid of any note. But this place isn"t safe."
I suddenly longed for Portland again. It might be dirtier and more crowded than the rugged Montana landscape, but at least you knew what to expect-not like here. Here at the Academy, past and present warred with each other. It might have its beautiful old walls and gardens, but inside, modern things were creeping in. People didn"t know how to handle that. It was just like the Moroi themselves. Their archaic royal families still held the power on the surface, but people were growing discontent. Dhampirs who wanted more to their lives. Moroi like Christian who wanted to fight the Strigoi. The royals still clung to their traditions, still touted their power over everyone else, just as the Academy"s elaborate iron gates put on a show of tradition and invincibility.
And, oh, the lies and secrets. They ran through the halls and hid in the corners. Someone here hated Lissa, someone who was probably smiling right to her face and pretending to be her friend. I couldn"t let them destroy her.
"You need to get some sleep," I told her.
"I can"t sleep."
"Yes, you can. I"m right here. You won"t be alone."
Anxiety and fear and other troubled emotions coursed through her. But in the end, her body"s needs won out. After a while, I saw her eyes close. Her breathing became even, and the bond grew quiet.
I watched her sleep, too keyed up with adrenaline to allow myself any rest. I think maybe an hour had pa.s.sed when the nurse returned and told me I had to leave. "I can"t go," I said. "I promised her she wouldn"t be alone."
The nurse was tall, even for a Moroi, with kind brown eyes. "She won"t be. I"ll stay with her."
I regarded her skeptically.
"I promise."
Back in my room, I had my own crash. The fear and excitement had worn me out too, and for an instant, I wished I could have a normal life and a normal best friend. Immediately, I cast that thought out. No one was normal, not really. And I"d never have a better friend than Lissa...but man, it was so hard sometimes.
I slept heavily until morning. I went to my first cla.s.s tentatively, nervous that word about last night had gotten around. As it turned out, people were talking about last night, but their attention was still focused on the queen and the reception. They knew nothing about the rabbit.
As hard as it was to believe, I"d nearly forgotten about that other stuff. Still, it suddenly seemed like a small thing compared to someone causing a b.l.o.o.d.y explosion in Lissa"s room.
Yet, as the day went on, I noticed something weird. People stopped looking at Lissa so much.
The started looking at me. Whatever. Ignoring them, I hunted around and found Lissa finishing up with a feeder. That funny feeling I always got came over me as I watched her mouth work against the feeder"s neck, drinking his blood. A trickle of it ran down his throat, standing out against his pale skin. Feeders, though human, were nearly as pale as Moroi from all the blood loss. He didn"t seem to notice; he was long gone on the high of the bite. Drowning in jealousy, I decided I needed therapy.
"You okay?" I asked her later, on our way to cla.s.s. She wore long sleeves, purposefully obscuring her wrists.
"Yeah...I still can"t stop thinking about that rabbit...It was so horrible. I keep seeing it in my head. And then what I did." She squeezed her eyes shut, just for a moment, and then opened them again. "People are talking about us." "I know. Ignore them."
"I hate it," she said angrily. A surge of darkness shot up into her and through the bond. It made me cringe. My best friend was lighthearted and kind. She didn"t have feelings like that. "I hate all the gossip. It"s so stupid. How can they all be so shallow?"
"Ignore them," I repeated soothingly. "You were smart not to hang out with them anymore."