The next evening, I played realtor, showing Hans and Brigid my apartment.
"It"s one of the few units in the building that"s still rent-controlled," I said as I led them down the hall. "Being downtown, you get mainly young, single tenants. They come and go so often that I"ve been here thirty-seven years and no one has noticed I haven"t aged a day."
I put my key in the lock.
"And how much would this illegal transfer of tenancy cost us?" Hans asked.
"Three grand, which is an absolute steal. Around here, that wouldn"t buy you first and last month"s rent for a place like this."
"And that"s on top of the thousand I already paid you for playing tour guide?"
"Er, yes, but it"s negotiable."
"Seeing as how we"ve been such good customers," he said dryly.
I faced him. "Whether I leave tomorrow has nothing to do with whether you pay my bar tab or hire my guide services or take over my apartment. I could say you owe me relocation expenses, but we both know I"m not going to challenge you on that. If you don"t want to see the apartment, fine. I just thought-"
"Show it to us," he said.
I didn"t move.
"Show us the d.a.m.ned apartment," Brigid growled.
When they walked in, I could tell they were impressed. Why wouldn"t they be? I"d spent twenty years in Toronto searching for exactly the right place to live, and this apartment was it, with its huge bank of windows taking in a postcard view of the skyline.
They admired the night sky and the panorama of colored lights below, then Hans checked out the apartment itself. Again, it was perfect. Minimalist, but warm and inviting. Every piece had been selected with care, from the leather chairs to the ebony dining set to the priceless artifacts I"d "picked up" over decades of museum heists.
"How much for the whole thing?" Hans asked. "Fully furnished."
Brigid"s gaze swept over the apartment, her lip curling. "It"s not really my style-"
"It"s mine." He met my gaze. "How much?"
"A lot. I don"t think you want-"
"I do."
His tone said either I named a price or he"d take it. The serpent uncoiled. I clenched my stomach muscles, sending it back to sleep.
"We"ll discuss it," I murmured. "For now, if the location is to your-"
A shuffling rasp came from the bedroom. I went still. But they didn"t hear it, only frowned, wondering why I"d stopped.
I put my hands on Hans"s back, propelling him toward the door. "Actually, let"s discuss this over drinks. My treat. I know this amazing place on Queen"s West. Much more your style than Miller"s."
He let me push him two feet before locking his knees. "I want this apartment, Zoe."
"Actually, you know, transferring the tenancy might not be that easy . . . "
The shuffling sound reached the bedroom hall. Brigid heard it now, pivoting that way.
"You want more money?" Hans said. "Is that what this is about? It better not be, because I"ve dealt fairly with you, and if you screw me over-"
"Mein Gott," Brigid whispered. "What is that?"
Lurching from the bedroom hall was a woman. I already knew her gender-otherwise, it would be impossible to tell. Gauzy rags encased her skeletal limbs. A tangled ma.s.s of matted white hair hid her face. As she shuffled forward, her bony fingers waved in front of her as if she was conducting an orchestra no one else could see. Her head bobbed, sunken eyes glittering with madness, fleshless lips moving soundlessly.
Seeing me, the woman stopped. She squinted, head weaving like a hawk trying to get a better look at its prey.
"Tee," I said, "Hi. I, uh, was just-"
"Going somewhere, Zoe?"
I bit off a nervous laugh. "Uh, no. Of course not."
"That"s not what Tee heard. She heard you"re leaving us. Running off because big bad vampires have come to town again." She looked at Brigid and Hans and sniffed. "Are these them? Nasty creatures."
"Hey!" Brigid stepped toward Tee, then thought better of it and stopped, crossing her arms over her chest. "Whatever that monster is-"
"Monster?"
Tee unfurled her limbs, pulling herself up until she was almost as tall as Brigid. She shuffled toward her, rags whispering against the hardwood floor. Brigid tried holding her ground, but when she caught a whiff of Tee, she drew back.
"A monster kills and does not feed," Tee said. "A monster leaves pretty boys to die in ugly alleys."
"Jose?" Hans said. "That was-"
"There was another, last night. The one this naughty vampire didn"t tell you about." She drew herself up again to look Brigid in the eye. "The pretty boy with the pretty red hair and the pretty red shirt and all that pretty red blood."
"How did you-?" Brigid began.
"Tee knows everything. Her friends tell her."
Tee swept a hand around the room. Brigid and Hans followed it, but saw nothing.
I stepped forward. "And that is the great thing about you, isn"t it, Tee? You have a regular army of spirit informants."
Tee rocked back on her heels, lips smacking in self-satisfaction. "Tee and her friends help little Zoe."
"Exactly, and now you can help Hans and Brigid."
Her lips pursed and she eyed them. "One vampire is enough for any city." She sidled toward Hans and whispered. "Give Tee the naughty one, and she won"t ask for morsels for a very long time."
"Morsels?" Hans"s gaze shot to me.
"Er, yes. See . . . "
I motioned him off to the side. When Tee tried to follow, I waved her away. She grumbled, then stumped over to a chair.
"Tee"s a demon," I said, voice lowered. "She got trapped in a human body a hundred years ago. Being a demon, she can"t die, which is why she . . . looks like that. But over the years, she"s misplaced a few of her marbles."
"A few?"
"Most of the bag. Anyway, she"s convinced that she"s alive because she"s found the key to immortality: consuming the flesh of the living."
"What?"
I motioned for him to keep his voice down. "Usually she just takes a few nibbles off dead bodies. Sometimes she does hunt-"
"Tee eats what she hunts," she called. "Not like some people." She glowered at Brigid.
I lowered my voice another notch. "We discourage the hunting. It"s messy. Instead, Tee and I have an arrangement. Her spirit friends help me and I feed her."
"Feed her what?"
"If you"re looking for immortality, what"s better than the flesh of the living?"
Hans stared at me. He blinked. Then he eased back with a harsh laugh. "If you really expect me to believe that you feed her-"
I took a penknife from my pocket, sliced a strip of flesh from the underside of my forearm, then walked over and gave it to Tee. She gobbled it down like a strip of bacon.
Behind me, the room went silent. I flexed my arm. The flesh was already filling in the furrow. In an hour, it would be back to normal.
"So." I smiled brightly. "That"s all there is to it. Now, let"s get that drink and we can talk terms. There are a few pieces here I couldn"t bear to part with, but the rest is negotiable."
I walked to the door. Hans and Brigid didn"t move.
"We don"t like them," Tee muttered. "We don"t like them at all. Nasty things. We like Zoe."
I sighed. "Yes, it"ll be an adjustment, Tee, but you"ll get used to them." Another bright smile. "I"m sure we all taste the same."
"Okay," Brigid said, hands flying up. "That"s it. Zoe might put up with your s.h.i.t, demon, but I won"t. If you ever try to take a bite of me-"
Brigid sailed off her feet, smacked into the wall and collapsed at the bottom.
"She"s a demon, remember?" I whispered. "You don"t say no to a demon."
"The h.e.l.l I don"t," Brigid snarled.
She leaped up . . . and got hit in the gut with an energy bolt. The smell of burning flesh filled the room. Tee hadn"t budged, just sat placidly stroking the leather chair.
"We don"t like her." Tee looked at Hans. "We don"t like you, either, but we like her less. Give her to Tee. Tee has a good hiding place, dark and cold. She"ll save all the naughty vampire"s bits and eat them slowly."
Brigid let out a growl, pawing the ground like a bull.
I swung over to Tee and squeezed her shoulder. "Ah, Tee, you"re such a joker. You"d never do that, would you? Not to a big, strong vampire like Brigid."
"Even vampires sleep," Tee murmured. "Yes, they do." Her gaze darted around, listening to her spirit counsel. "That"s how we"ll do it. We"ll get her when-"
"Tee," I said sharply.
She pouted and grumbled under her breath.
"I"m not staying in the same city as that thing," Brigid said. "Either she goes or I do."
Tee launched herself at Brigid. The vampire stumbled back, arms sailing up to ward her off. Then she stiffened and fell over.
"s.h.i.t!" I said. "Her binding powers. Hans, grab her before-"
Too late. Tee was on Brigid, biting chunks of flesh from her shoulder. Hans and I managed to get her off. I restrained her, thrashing and howling, as the binding spell broke and Brigid scrambled to her feet. As they ran for the door, I dropped Tee and tore after them.
"Wait! We had a deal! I"ll give you a discount on the apartment-"
I caught up with them in the stairwell. We had a brief discussion, the upshot being that I could keep my d.a.m.ned city and they were never setting foot in this G.o.dforsaken town again. I begged. I pleaded. I cajoled. All to no avail.
I walked back into my apartment. Rudy and Randy were helping themselves to my bar.
"That went well," I said. "Thanks for the spells, guys."
Rudy and Randy were half-brothers. With different mothers and twenty years between them, they didn"t look much alike. The only thing they shared was their father"s sorcerer blood.
Tee was back in her chair, now stroking a Maori mask she"d plucked from the shelf. She whispered under her breath. Talking to her spirits. Tee wasn"t a demon-just a very old, very powerful, very crazy necromancer terrified of death, certain it would condemn her to an eternity of serving ghosts.
I cut another strip from my arm and handed it to her. She gobbled it down. Randy turned away; Rudy glowered at me.
"It grows back," I said. "And it"s better than having her hunt humans."
"Well, don"t do it while I"m here, okay?" Rudy helped himself to my daiginj-shu.
"That"ll be twenty bucks," I said. "You can add it to my credit."
"Credit?"
"You got a grand for a fifty-dollar tab, most of which Jose already paid off. I expect at least five-hundred in credit."
"Sure, we could do that." He headed for the couch, circling wide around Tee. "Or I could introduce you to the blond half-demon. She asked about you last night. Of course, not having any experience with vampires, she"s a little nervous about introducing herself . . . "
"Keep the money."
He sat. "I"m sure you had fun with this scheme, but you could have saved yourself a lot of trouble and just killed them."
"Me?"
He gave me a look that said I didn"t fool him. I never had.
Randy handed Tee a gla.s.s of my cheaper sake. She whispered under her breath and petted his hand before he continued on to the sofa.
"Normally, I"d be all for the humane solution," Randy said. "But in this case, killing them might have been the humane solution. At least for everyone else."