I told the guests they could arrive early, since watching the fish cooked would be part of the fun. None of them needed encouragement. They all turned up before I had time to look out a clean tunic or go for a bathe. I let them wander about criticising my new quarters and rearranging my personal property, while I worried over the fish.
I was planning for us to eat in the room I had earmarked as my office, but they all brought their stools and crowded into the living room, where they could get in my way and clammer advice.
"What stock are you using, Marcus?"
"Just water with wine and bay leaves; I don"t want to destroy the natural flavour; it"s supposed to be delicate --"
"You ought to add a dash of fish pickle--Maia, shouldn"t he add fish pickle?"
"I reckon he ought to cook it in the sauce --"
"No; the sauce will be handled separately --"
"You"re going to regret that, Marcus! Is it Saffron or Onion?"
"Caraway."
"Caraway? Ooh! Marcus is making Caraway Sauce --"
In the midst of this babble, I was pestling the herbs for my sauce (should have been lovage but Maia had thought I asked her to bring parsley; should have included thyme but I had left my pot at Fountain Court). Someone knocked; Petronius answered the door for me. "Camillus Verus has sent you a reading couch--where do you want it?" Petro bawled. I wanted the couch in my office, but that was where I had laid out everything for our meal (everything that had not yet been removed again by my visitors). "Shall we stick it in your bedroom?"
"Not enough s.p.a.ce; try the empty one opposite --" One of my braziers flared up dangerously, so I had to leave him to it.
My mother and Junia had chosen this moment to hang up door curtains for me, so I could not see out into the corridor for their arms waving amongst folds of striped material. Both my brothers-in-law had involved themselves in banging up nails to carry the lintel string; the simple task of putting up a straight line had developed into a major surveying project. Whatever was happening in the rest of the house I could hear distressing indications of damage to both my doorframes and Petronius" good temper, but theliquor for my fish was beginning to sizzle on the sides of the washtub so I had to ignore the raised voices outside. I was red-faced from stabilising a brazier beneath the weight of the hot washcopper; I had just heaved up the turbot into my arms to introduce him to the pan when I heard Maia shriek, "Sorry; this is a private family party; Didius Falco is not on call to clients--"
There was an uneasy lull. I turned round, fish and all, For one horrid moment I expected Severina, but it was far worse. Petronius, with desperate eyes, was shepherding someone in the doorway, someone who was a stranger to most of my family, but certainly not to me... Helena Justina.
For a moment she failed to grasp the situation. "Marcus! I thought you must have been developing other interests, but I never expected to find you with your arms locked round a fish--"
Then the lull sank to a silence, And all the sparkle died in her eyes, as Helena absorbed the houseful of merrymaking visitors, the fabulous gift I was cooking--and the fact that I had not invited her.
Chapter XLIII.
After five years in the Aventine watch Petronius had a keen eye for trouble. "Someone take hold of the man"s fish for him!"
My sister Maia leapt to her feet and grappled with me for the turbot, but with the stubborness of someone in shock I refused to let it go. "This is Helena," Petronius announced to everybody helpfully. He had planted himself behind her to stop her backing out. She and I were both helpless. I did not want to talk to her in front of other people. With people watching, Helena would not speak to me.
I gripped the fish like a drowning sailor clutching a spar. It was all my fault as usual, but it was Helena who looked horrified. She struggled against the avuncular arm which Petronius had slung round her. "Marcus, Helena came to supervise the delivery of your reading couch--Helena," Petronius battled on, "Marcus has been presented with a wonderful treat from t.i.tus--are you going to stay and dine with us?"
"Not where I am not invited!"
"You are always invited," I spoke up at last unconvincingly.
"It"s considered convenient to tell people!"
"Then I"m telling you now --"
"That"s gracious of you, Marcus!"
With the strength of the tipsy, Maia dragged the turbot away from me. Before I could stop her she placed him on the edge of the copper, over which he slipped as gracefully as a state barge on its maiden trip. A tide of scented water surged over the opposite edge making all the braziers crackle; members of my family cheered.
Maia sat down looking proud of her efforts. My brothers-in-law started pa.s.sing round the wine I intended for later. The turbot was safe temporarily but he had started to cook, before I had time to count the spoons, thicken the sauce, change my tunic--or reconcile the girl I had insulted so appallingly. Petronius Longus was fussing over her, trying to apologise for me, but with a final effort Helena forced herself free. "Marcus will see you out --" he got in hopefully.
"Marcus has to cook his fish!"
Helena disappeared.
The water in the fish copper boiled.
""Leave it!" squealed Maia, fighting me over the braziers.
My mother, who had been sitting in silence, pushed us both aside with a mutinous growl. "We can look after it --go on!"
I rushed out into the corridor: empty.
I threw open the outer door: no one on the stairs.
With my heart b.u.mping angrily I ran back inside, and glanced in the other rooms. Alongside the Senator"s reading couch in the cubicle I never used stood a trunk I had seen Helena travel with ... Oh Jupiter. I guessed what that meant.
Petronius had cornered her in my bedroom. Helena was normally so resilient he seemed more upset than she was. I strode in, to his immense relief. "Would you like us all to leave?" I shook my head vigorously (thinking of the fish), Petronius slunk away.
I placed myself between Helena and the door. She stood shaking with anger, or possibly distress. "Why didn"t you invite me?"
"I thought you wouldn"t come!" Her face was white, and tense, and miserable. I hated myself for making her hate me. "I was still waiting for you to contact me. You obviously didn"t want to. Helena, I could not face staring at the door all evening, waiting for you--"
"Well, I came anyway!" she retorted crisply. "And now I suppose I"m expected to say "Oh that"s just Marcus!" the way your family do!" I let her rant. It did her good, and gave me time. I could see that she had completely despaired. That trunk of hers had told me why. Not only had I slapped her in the face; I did it on the very day she had decided to come and live with me ... "Don"t try anything!" she warned me, as I started walking towards her. "I cannot deal with this any longer, Marcus--"
I put both hands on her shoulders; she braced herself against the weight. "My darling, I do know --" I pulled her towards me. She resisted, but not hard enough.
"Marcus, I cannot bear seeing you go away and never knowing if I shall ever see you come back --"
I gathered her closer. "I"m here --"
"Let me go, Marcus." Helena was leaning away from me; I must have stunk of uncooked fish.
"No; let me make things right --"
"I don"t want you to!" she answered, in that same thin, despondent voice. "Marcus, I don"t want to be bamboozled by some clever piece of oratory. I don"t want to co-operate in cheating myself. I don"t want to hear you squirming, "Helena Justina, I didn"t invite you because I knew you were coming anyway; Helena, I"m letting you blame me because I deserve it--"
"I am sorry. Don"t tell me I"m a b.a.s.t.a.r.d; I"ll say it myself--" Helena nodded rapidly. "I won"t insult you by saying I love you, but I do, and you know it --"
"Oh stop pretending to be so strong and comforting!"
Grateful for the hint, I wrapped myself around her. "Forget I"ve been cuddling a turbot; come here ..."
Her face crumpled as she leaned against my fishy chest.
Maia poked her head in through the new door curtain, saw us and blushed. "Shall we lay another bowl?"
"Yes," I said without consulting Helena. Maia disappeared.
"No Marcus," said Helena. "I"ll be friends; I cannot help it--but you will never make me stay."
She had no time to finish. Before she could demolish me utterly, someone else started banging at my door. Petro would go. I could imagine his dread in case he found another girlfriend smirking on the threshold ... I grimaced at Helena and started off to a.s.sist. Before I reached the doorway he burst in.
"There"s a panic on, Marcus; can you come?" My quiet friend looked highly excited. "It"s a posse of d.a.m.ned Praetorians". Only Mars knows what they are after--but apparently you asked t.i.tus to bring his dinner napkin, to sample your fish . .."
This had all the makings of a social disaster. I winked at Helena. "Well! Are you just going to stand there looking beautiful--or are you going to rally round?"
Chapter XLIV.
She saved me. She had to. She was a girl with a conscience. She would not risk exposing t.i.tus Caesar to embarra.s.sment from a clutch of raucous plebians. Helena ground her teeth, I grinned at her--and for one night at least I had a senator"s daughter to act as my social hostess. I did not expect her to be able to cook, but she knew how to supervise.
The members of my family saw no reason to alter the habits of a lifetime just because I had produced an Imperial guest. t.i.tus had already edged in, looking startled, before Helena and I could emerge with the kind of refined welcome he had learned to expect. My relations immediately grabbed him and sat him on a stool with a bowl of olives on one knee, to watch his turbot cooking. Next thing I knew, everyone seemed to have introduced themselves without waiting for me, Helena was testing the fish with a knifepoint, Petronius shoved a full winecup under my elbow, and the chaos redoubled while I stood there like a drowned vole in a thunderstorm.
After five minutes and a cup of inferior Campanian wine, t.i.tus had grasped the house rules and joined in with the rabble shouting advice. None of my family was sn.o.bbish; they accepted him as one of us. Most of them were much more curious about the superior young lady whose sweet-scented head was bent close to mine over my makeshift cooking pot.
The Praetorians had to wait outside. Luckily, when the Didius women bring bread rolls for a party they supply enough to send out several basketfuls if any high-ranking visitor happens to bring his bodyguard.
"What kind of sauce?" Helena murmured, dipping in her finger.
"Caraway."
"It hardly tastes." I was looking up the recipe--one I once stole from Helena herself. She peered over my shoulder and spotted her own handwriting. "You ruffian!... It says a scruple; I"ll put more--did you squash them?"
"Have you tried grinding caraway seeds? They sit there and laugh at you."
She tipped in more from the bag. "Don"t crowd me; I"m doing this!"
"You"re the staff; I"m the chef--I"ll get the blame." I sampled it myself. "Rasps a bit!"
"That"s the mustardseed and peppercorns."
"Stir in a spoonful of honey while I make the thickening --"
"This man is good!" cried t.i.tus; the kind of guest I like, "My younger brother is extremely self-sufficient," Junia boasted complacently. (Junia had always cursed me as an incompetent clown.) I caught Helena"s eye. My sister Junia took great pride in her civilised behaviour and good taste; somehow at any family gathering she seemed stiff and out of place. I was pleased to detect it was Maia the madcap whom Helena already liked best.
It took four of us to transfer the fish from his bath. I hooked up the cabbage nets on the end of a spoon; the cooked turbot proved firm enough for us to ease him out whole, then swing the cradle onto my brother"s Celtic shield which Petronius was holding. As we fiddled about removing the nets, the heat of the fish, conducted through the metal shield with amazing rapidity, was burning his arms. When he complained we told him it was a test of character. "Be careful of the p.r.o.ng on the underside!"
"G.o.ds, Marcus; have I got to hold up the fish tray all evening? How can I put this thing down with a spike underneath?"
My brother-in-law Gaius Baebius, the customs clerk, stepped forward. Gaius Baebius (who would not dream of being mentioned in somebody"s memoirs by less than two of his names) silently swung an iron cauldron onto the table top. Petro dropped the boss into the pot, which supported the shield quite steadily; Gaius Baebius had created a two-piece comport of some style.
My brother-in-law must have been secretly planning this coup since he got here. What a creep.
The turbot looked wonderful.
"Oh Marcus, well done!" Helena cried--almost letting some affection show.
Now the company had expanded, there were the usual party problems: not enough dishes and not enough seats. t.i.tus pretended he did not mind squatting on the floor with his dinner served up on a lettuce leaf, but with my mother present better standards were required. While Mama took a carving knife to the turbot I sent Maia, who had no inhibitions after wine on an empty stomach, rushing off to knock up my neighbours and demand a loan of extra stools and bowls. "Most of the other apartments are empty, Marcus; your block is a sanctuary for ghosts! I cadged these for you off an old lady upstairs--do you know who I mean?" I knew.
Remembering what the pretentious Hortensius family served up to Priscillus at their dinner party, you may like to know the menu I produced at mine: FISH SUPPER AT THE HOUSE OF M DIDIUS FALCO.
Salad The Turbot More Salad Fruit Plain--but none of it was poisoned, I could guarantee.
We did have an exquisite wine which Petronius had brought (he told me what it was, but I forgot). And perhaps I exaggerate. My mother"s brothers were all market gardeners so our family"s idea of a salad had never been just a sliced hard-boiled egg on a bunch of endive leaves. Even my three uninvited sisters sent contributions to make me feel guilty; we had a large tray of white cheeses, plus cold sausage and a bucket of oysters to gobble with the basic greenery. There was food flowing out of the doors--literally, since Junia enjoyed herself more than once taking dishes down to our guest of honour"s loitering Praetorians.
Everyone told me the turbot was delicious. As the cook, I was too busy worrying to taste it myself. The Caraway Sauce must have been an effective side dish, since when I looked round for it the serving jug had been sc.r.a.ped bare. By the time I sat down to eat, the only s.p.a.ce was in the corridor. There was so much noise my head ached. n.o.body bothered to talk to me since I was merely a tired scullion. I could see my mother squashed in a corner with Petro and his wife, discussing their offspring, probably. My brothers-in-law just ate and drank, or farted surrept.i.tiously. Maia had the hiccups, which was hardly surprising. Junia was taking pains to look after His Caesarship, which he tolerated pleasantly--though he appeared much more taken with Helena Justina.
Helena"s dark eyes constantly watched over my guests; she and Maia were doing good work for me, nudging along the conversation and pa.s.sing round the food. Helena was beyond my reach. If I called out she would never hear me. I wanted to thank her. I wanted to go across and fetch her, then take her to one of my empty rooms and make pa.s.sionate love until neither of us could move ...
"Where did you find her?" squealed Maia"s voice behind my right ear, as she lurched up to spoon more of the glutinous turbot onto my plate.
"She found me, I think ..."
"Poor girl, she adores you!"
I felt like a man stumbling out of the desert. "Why"s that?
"The way she looks at you!" giggled Maia, the only one of my sisters who was actually fond of me.
I toyed with my second helping. Then across the hubbub of eight people talking at once Helena raised her head, and noticed me watching her. Her face had always contained a mixture of intelligence and character which jolted me. She smiled slightly. A private signal between us, to tell me everybody was enjoying my party; men a shared moment of stillness after that.
t.i.tus Caesar bent sideways to say something to Helena; she was answering him in the quiet way she conversed with people publicly--nothing like the tyrant who trampled over me. t.i.tus seemed to admire her as much as I did. Somebody should tell him that when an Emperor"s son indulges himself with a visitation to a poor man"s house, he could eat the fish and swig the wine and leave his guards outside to amaze the neighbours--but he should draw the line at flirting with the poor man"s girl... He had effortlessly impressed all my relations. I hated him for his happy Flavian skill at mucking in.
"Cheer up!" someone chaffed me, the way people do.
Helena Justina appeared to be lecturing t.i.tus; she glanced at me, so I realised I was me subject. Helena must be attacking him over the way the Palace treated me. I winked at him; he smiled back sheepishly.
My sister Junia squeezed past me on her way somewhere. She tossed a glance at Helena. "Idiot! You must be heading for a tumble there!" she chortled, not bothering to wait and see if I was upset.
Once again I was the typical host: tired and left out. My fish had gone cold while I brooded. I noticed glumly that where my landlord had has a wall replastered it must have dried out and now there was a crack the whole length of the corridor, wide enough to insert my thumb. So here I was, presiding over an ideal Roman evening: a tasteful dinner for my family, friends, and a patron I respected. Here I was feeling depressed and with a dry mouth; insulted by my sister; watching a handsome Caesar attempt to capture my girlfriend; and knowing that when everyone else reeled off cheerfully, the debris they left behind would take me hours to tidy up.