There ain"t no fun in women nor there ain"t no bite to drink; It"s much too wet for shootin", we can only march and think; An" at evenin", down the _nullahs_, we can "ear the jackals say, "Get up, you rotten beggars, you"ve ten more to-day!"
"Twould make a monkey cough to see our way o" doin" things -- Lieutenants takin" companies an" captains takin" wings, An" Lances actin" Sergeants -- eight file to obey -- For we"ve lots o" quick promotion on ten deaths a day!
Our Colonel"s white an" twitterly -- "e gets no sleep nor food, But mucks about in "orspital where nothing does no good.
"E sends us "eaps o" comforts, all bought from "is pay -- But there aren"t much comfort "andy on ten deaths a day.
Our Chaplain"s got a banjo, an" a skinny mule "e rides, An" the stuff "e says an" sings us, Lord, it makes us split our sides!
With "is black coat-tails a-bobbin" to _Ta-ra-ra Boom-der-ay!_ "E"s the proper kind o" _padre_ for ten deaths a day.
An" Father Victor "elps "im with our Roman Catholicks -- He knows an "eap of Irish songs an" rummy conjurin" tricks; An" the two they works together when it comes to play or pray; So we keep the ball a-rollin" on ten deaths a day.
We"ve got the cholerer in camp -- we"ve got it "ot an" sweet; It ain"t no Christmas dinner, but it"s "elped an" we must eat.
We"ve gone beyond the funkin", "cause we"ve found it doesn"t pay, An" we"re rockin" round the Districk on ten deaths a day!
Then strike your camp an" go, the Rains are fallin", The Bugle"s callin"!
The dead are bushed an" stoned to keep "em safe below!
An" them that do not like it they can lump it, An" them that cannot stand it they can jump it; We"ve got to die somewhere -- some way -- some"ow -- We might as well begin to do it now!
Then, Number One, let down the tent-pole slow, Knock out the pegs an" "old the corners -- so!
Fold in the flies, furl up the ropes, an" stow!
Oh, strike -- oh, strike your camp an" go!
(Gawd "elp us!)
THE LADIES
I"ve taken my fun where I"ve found it; I"ve rogued an" I"ve ranged in my time; I"ve "ad my pickin" o" sweet"earts, An" four o" the lot was prime.
One was an "arf-caste widow, One was a woman at Prome, One was the wife of a _jemadar-sais_, [Head-groom.]
An" one is a girl at "ome.
Now I aren"t no "and with the ladies, For, takin" "em all along, You never can say till you"ve tried "em, An" then you are like to be wrong.
There"s times when you"ll think that you mightn"t, There"s times when you"ll know that you might; But the things you will learn from the Yellow an" Brown, They"ll "elp you a lot with the White!
I was a young un at "Oogli, Shy as a girl to begin; Aggie de Castrer she made me, An" Aggie was clever as sin; Older than me, but my first un -- More like a mother she were -- Showed me the way to promotion an" pay, An" I learned about women from "er!
Then I was ordered to Burma, Actin" in charge o" Bazar, An" I got me a tiddy live "eathen Through buyin" supplies off "er pa.
Funny an" yellow an" faithful -- Doll in a teacup she were, But we lived on the square, like a true-married pair, An" I learned about women from "er!
Then we was shifted to Neemuch (Or I might ha" been keepin" "er now), An" I took with a shiny she-devil, The wife of a n.i.g.g.e.r at Mhow; "Taught me the gipsy-folks" _bolee_; [Slang.]
Kind o" volcano she were, For she knifed me one night "cause I wished she was white, And I learned about women from "er!
Then I come "ome in the trooper, "Long of a kid o" sixteen -- Girl from a convent at Meerut, The straightest I ever "ave seen.
Love at first sight was "er trouble, _She_ didn"t know what it were; An" I wouldn"t do such, "cause I liked "er too much, But -- I learned about women from "er!
I"ve taken my fun where I"ve found it, An" now I must pay for my fun, For the more you "ave known o" the others The less will you settle to one; An" the end of it"s sittin" and thinkin", An" dreamin" h.e.l.l-fires to see; So be warned by my lot (which I know you will not), An" learn about women from me!
What did the Colonel"s Lady think?
n.o.body never knew.
Somebody asked the Sergeant"s wife, _An"_ she told "em true!
When you get to a man in the case, They"re like as a row of pins -- For the Colonel"s Lady an" Judy O"Grady Are sisters under their skins!
BILL "AWKINS
""As anybody seen Bill "Awkins?"
"Now "ow in the devil would I know?"
""E"s taken my girl out walkin", An" I"ve got to tell "im so -- Gawd -- bless -- "im!
I"ve got to tell "im so."
"D"yer know what "e"s like, Bill "Awkins?"
"Now what in the devil would I care?"
""E"s the livin", breathin" image of an organ-grinder"s monkey, With a pound of grease in "is "air -- Gawd -- bless -- "im!
An" a pound o" grease in "is "air."
"An" s"pose you met Bill "Awkins, Now what in the devil "ud ye do?"
"I"d open "is cheek to "is chin-strap buckle, An" bung up "is both eyes, too -- Gawd -- bless -- "im!
An" bung up "is both eyes, too!"
"Look "ere, where "e comes, Bill "Awkins!
Now what in the devil will you say?"
"It isn"t fit an" proper to be fightin" on a Sunday, So I"ll pa.s.s "im the time o" day -- Gawd -- bless -- "im!
I"ll pa.s.s "im the time o" day!"
THE MOTHER-LODGE
There was Rundle, Station Master, An" Beazeley of the Rail, An" "Ackman, Commissariat, An" Donkin" o" the Jail; An" Blake, Conductor-Sargent, Our Master twice was "e, With "im that kept the Europe-shop, Old Framjee Eduljee.
Outside -- "Sergeant! Sir! Salute! Salaam!"
Inside -- "Brother", an" it doesn"t do no "arm.
We met upon the Level an" we parted on the Square, An" I was Junior Deacon in my Mother-Lodge out there!
We"d Bola Nath, Accountant, An" Saul the Aden Jew, An" Din Mohammed, draughtsman Of the Survey Office too; There was Babu Chuckerb.u.t.ty, An" Amir Singh the Sikh, An" Castro from the fittin"-sheds, The Roman Catholick!
We "adn"t good regalia, An" our Lodge was old an" bare, But we knew the Ancient Landmarks, An" we kep" "em to a hair; An" lookin" on it backwards It often strikes me thus, There ain"t such things as infidels, Excep", per"aps, it"s us.
For monthly, after Labour, We"d all sit down and smoke (We dursn"t give no banquits, Lest a Brother"s caste were broke), An" man on man got talkin"
Religion an" the rest, An" every man comparin"
Of the G.o.d "e knew the best.