Chapter 363 Haywired Emotions
"Eren, why do you look… so off?"
Renita asked Eren when they were alone. The sun was about to set as they walked aimlessly. The latter raised his eyebrows when he heard the ranger"s question.
"Hm? What do you mean?"
Renita looked into Eren"s eyes which had a slight shade of blue in them and pondered a bit as if she was collecting her thoughts. She responded after taking her time:
"Maybe I"m just imagining stuff in my head. Previously, you appeared to be a man on a mission. You wanted to be stronger than anyone at your level. You wanted to advance in your ranking journey more than your peers-- and all of us in White Raven Crew for that matter.
But now it looks like… you"ve lost your way a bit. Like you are trying to ask for help from someone who isn"t there anymore."
Renita paused then looked ahead to break the intense eye contact in the fear that she might forget what she was about to say. She took a deep breath before continuing:
"Did something else happen in that Besanc mission? I know that you were never that cheerful. But it feels like you are especially depressed since you came back.
Are you… are you alright?"
"This woman"s intuitions are scary. Is she spending more time with Becky?"
Eren thought to herself. He sighed and replied to Renita after a long silence:
"I… I don"t know how to best describe what I"m feeling, Renita. It feels like no matter how hard I try to avoid suffering, my luck finds me in my ditch. It beats me up like I"m some lowlife, then leaves me in the same ditch before I have a chance to move on.
The most frustrating part about this is that my luck stops being s.h.i.+ty just when I"m about to give in to my despairs. It keeps a tiny flame of hope alive in my heart, which in turn, burns me from within.
I don"t know how else to describe it.... but sometimes, hope is more frightening to me than hopelessness. Because in hopelessness, a man can find peace. In desolation, a man can find a place to get lost in.
No matter how hard I try to stay away from the troubles, they come to me as moths come to the only flame they could see in the ever-expanding darkness.
I"m not afraid of doing the hard work, Renita. You know that. But doing it because you are being manipulated to gain the rewards you want… while under the... Let"s say "influence" of someone, is not something I would ever enjoy.
I… I like to be free, Renita. You talk about fate, so tell me. Do you ever feel the need to be free of yours? How would you deal with your fears?"
Eren asked while looking ahead. It looked like he was talking to Renita. But she knew it was more of Eren"s monologue to himself than a dialogue with her. She let him lost in his thoughts for a while before speaking up:
"Eren, I neither completely get what you are talking about nor will I pry because it seems it is difficult for you to open up. But I"ll say this.
You had been looking too far into the future at the cost of ignoring your present. Maybe that long-sightedness has and will continue to help you. But don"t forget what you have today. You shouldn"t neglect the things you have right now to get the things you want in the future.
That"s what I was trying to tell you earlier too, remember? That you live your present to its fullest…
… So that you don"t fear the reaper when your time comes."
Renita talked while looking ahead and seemed lost in her thoughts. That"s why she didn"t realize that the butcher had frozen in his tracks behind her.
She looked around and found out that Eren had been left behind. She looked at him and saw his body shaking slightly. She didn"t get it at first. So she retraced her steps and walked back to him.
The butcher had his neck down. His eyes were closed. But Renita could tell he was reliving some very unpleasant memories. She thought he was remembering his desperate struggle for survival that made him achieve his forced breakthrough.
Renita felt guilty about making Eren emotional. She instinctively hugged him and tried to soothe him. Soon she felt the mild seizure-inducing shock Eren was experiencing.
Eren"s memories of Purgatory resurfaced when Renita spoke about not having to fear the reaper. He remembered listening to her voice saying this in a loop when he was stuck in his series of horrible dreams for what he felt like years on end.
He also remembered Eliza"s terrifying presence. He remembered the times he had come close to his death. His thoughts while he was in those situations. His eventual separation from Reen. Like he had lost an integral part of himself that he won"t get back anytime soon.
Eren tried to control himself and finally opened his eyes. He had tried to shut his other senses from the real world to suppress his emotions running haywire in his mind. So he wasn"t aware that he was being hugged and his back was being caressed by Renita at the time.
Eren"s hands were still shaking. He looked down and felt that his body had gotten colder than usual. He had dark expressions on his face as he realized that his condition was getting worse with each pa.s.sing day outside Purgatory.
"I… I need to find a solution."
Eren thought to himself before subconsciously hugging Renita back. He caressed her back too and inhaled her smell by keeping his nose close to her neck. The close contact and that light lemony scent soothed him a little.
"Yes… I want this."
Eren thought and started hugging Renita some more. He started to find comfort in her embrace. Soon his caressing of the ranger"s back turned intense and he began to guide his hands closer to her derriere.
Renita had ample proportions for her age. She felt Eren"s hands near her intimate regions and felt a bit shy and a bit excited simultaneously. She hugged him even more tightly as if she was afraid of being stared at by him when she was experiencing these sensations she hadn"t experienced before.
Eren"s fears stopped giving him the shakes when he was aroused. Unbeknownst to both of them, some mystic runic symbols had started appearing on his left chest and were spreading further over his chest.
The butcher kissed Renita"s neck at the same time he groped her b.u.t.t cheeks with both his hands. The action had been very startling for the inexperienced ranger. Her first instincts wanted her to get away from him. But she fought with the maiden"s jitters and held on.
She wanted them to be more than friends after all. And this time, he had taken the initiative to respond to her feelings. She felt various shades of being excited, afraid, and aroused at the same time. The ranger could barely register what she was feeling at the time:
"This… What is this? My body is melting in his embrace."