Villainess Brother Reincarnation

29 . Older Brother, Realization

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I continued to get hit .
On the other hand, my sword hadn’t even scratched Gaspar .
It was frustrating . Speaking of frustrating, somehow, I was convinced there was something more . (TN: 悔しいと言えば悔しいのだが、どこかで納得してしまっている自分がいる)
[Haa!]
Gaspar made a diagonal slash from the right .
It was a move to restrain my movement from a distance . (TN: 動き出しの位置が遠いのでこれは牽制だ)
After receiving a counterattack –
With a bashin, my right arm was struck . (TN: ばしりと、右腕を打たれる。)
The blow far exceeded my expectations . It was heavy .
Every attempt I made to parry was countered . (TN: 受け流そうとしたこちらの剣ごと押し切られる。)
[Gotu!]
This battle (in all honesty, I was barely fighting) had been repeating for a while now .
Gaspar and I weren’t too worried about it, but Michelin and Bruno, who were watching, were becoming uneasy .
The reason for this one-sided development was because—
— I had been remaining still the entire time . (TN: 居着いてしまっているからだ。)
From my exchange with Vol-ji, I learned to watch the opponent’s att.i.tude . I understood the fear of becoming fixated on a situation . (TN: ヴォル爺との遣り取りで俺は居着くこと――相手の出方を見る・考える事に執着してしまうことの怖さを学んだ。)
However, it was only learning after all .
When an opponent moves, one’s attention will naturally follow them .
Any resulting move would be flawed .
I understood the logic .
But the problem lied in one’s ability . (TN: だが問題は意識なのだ。)
Understanding the logic is a different matter than actually putting it into practice .
Because I knew that I shouldn’t be aware of it, I was even more aware .
It was easy to tell that I was consciously being aware of it . (TN: 意識して意識しないようにする事くらい難しいことはない)
The more you strive to not be conscious of it, the more conscious you become .
The more you try not to think about something, the more you think of it .
No, there really wasn’t much effort put into it in the first place . (TN: いや、そもそもそれは努力になっていない。)

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So, it wasn’t like I was doing nothing .
Not doing anything but being conscious, thinking .
I’ve completely been cornered, once again getting hit .
I know what Gaspar was aiming for .
The first blow was a warning for me, who was thinking too much .
Free from my obstructing thoughts, we continued to fight . Believing that I would be able to get over it, he continued to spar without loosening his grip . (TN: 無心で打ち合い続ける事で、俺がこの殻を破れると信じてくれているからこそ、あいつは手を緩めずに稽古をしてくれているのだ。)
I guess he was trying to return the favour from a few days ago .
It was because I understood Gaspar’s intentions that I couldn’t get distracted .
Even more than usual, I was aware of my opponent’s movements, leaving me trapped . (TN: 囚われてしまっている)
[Sei!!]
Somehow, he managed to deal a heavy blow from behind – I landed near Michelin and the others, who were watching .
[Older brother… Although it doesn’t hurt too much, if you continue like this, you will get worn out . Please stop already!] (TN: もうお止めになってくださいまし！)
Michelin cried out grievously .
[Marcel, you’ve already practiced enough . So—!]
Bruno said, unable to watch anymore .
Nicolas and Enrio looked worried, too .
Kana seemed like she was about to break into tears . Roy and Emi were watching with a grave look .
Everyone’s feelings… I’m happy .
But this was an obstacle I needed to overcome .
[Both of you, thank you . However, I think I almost have a grasp on it!]
That was a lie .
I have been hit so severely, yet I couldn’t even see an inkling of the light . (TN: 俺には未だ一筋の光明も見えない。)
However, to lessen their worries, I lied to encourage myself . (TN: けれども安心させる為、自分を鼓舞する為に嘘をつく。)
That’s right, I couldn’t give up yet .
Right now, the person in front of me was my friend, Gaspar .
Even if I lose thoroughly, there was no problem .
But what if I were to fall into such a situation while facing an actual malicious enemy in the future?
I can stop if I get tired, but will the enemy stop if I say so?

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The answer was no .
At this moment, I could experience such a situation .
In a situation where you couldn’t move and were waiting to lose, what could you do?
What if you couldn’t do anything no matter how much you struggle?
Because my current opponent was someone I could trust, I could attempt this . I wouldn’t be able to attempt this any other time . This was valuable training .
In my previous life, there was a saying: practice as if you were actually doing work and do work with the intention of practice . ((TN: 前世の記憶において、本番のつもりで練習に励み、練習のつもりで本番に臨めという言葉がある。) Which mean to practice exercise everyday seriously, meaning to perform with a peace of mind . (TN: 一度きりの本番を平常心で行えという意味だ。)
Back then, it was only a matter of mental att.i.tude, but now, in this world, I had a real chance of dying .
Properly preparing myself mentally will help later on . (TN: 我が身を助ける事につながる。)
There was also the possibility that Michelin might die, depending on the situation .
I won’t let anything like that happen!
Ways to survive, it was better to have more than one .
I couldn’t neglect this kind of practice now .
[Gaspar, once more!]
I shouted and rushed over .
[Ou!]
Whether my determination was transmitted or not, Gaspar a.s.sumed a stance with vigour .
[Seeiii!]
[Haaaaa!]
My strike hit Gaspar’s shoulder, and a strike from him hit my torso .
A tie! – No, I was a little slower .
Still, I was able to get a hit in at last .
Come to think of it, I wasn’t thinking of anything when I struck .
Alright, in that case, I will no longer think of unnecessary thoughts ¬— Oh, I was thinking again .
I distanced myself, then immediately moved in closer to attack . (TN: 一気に詰めて切り掛る)
I missed .
My hit was blown off by a counter .
Again, I became acquainted with the ground .
Ah, I recall something like this happening in the past .

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— What?
… I wonder what it was .
The past Gaspar and I… I was dragged down from the large tree by Gaspar . He wanted me to apologize to the other children I had kicked away .
However, I refused and ran away, telling Father .
That… was probably it .
With my whole might put into a strike, I made a feint . Moving in an arc, from a low position, I struck Gaspar’s left wrist .
There was a reaction . (TN: 手応え有りだ。)
I finally saw my chance, but Gaspar quickly counterattacked with his right hand .
My body was, hopelessly, blown away a second time .
I landed in the same place I had previously stood and remained on the ground . (TN: 子ども達に大怪我を負わせた悪者である俺をボコボコにした光景を見てなどいないのだ。)
[Older brother!!]
Michelin cried out .
Yes, just like back then .
— Wait a moment, what was it!?
Michelin wasn’t there three years ago .
It was reasonable that Gaspar, who was burning with justice at the time, couldn’t just watch as the children were seriously injured by the evil me .
Huh?
Seriously injured? Viciously beaten?
An unknown scene resurfaced in my mind .
What is this? What is this? What is this?
Gaspar was now approaching .
This was different from that time .
I convinced myself that I wouldn’t suffer a final blow . (TN: I think it’s not correct – 倒れた俺にとどめをさそうという訳ではない。)
I’m confident that I could get up from this situation . (TN: そのまま起き上がる事を確信しての追撃だ。)
The current Gaspar wasn’t my enemy .
However, my brain kept replaying my present memory with the past memory that shouldn’t be there . (TN: 記憶にはないはずの光景と現在を二重写しにする。)
As for that, it wasn’t just me .
[Older brother!! What—]
I thought I heard Michelin’s voice strangely near me .
Crack . I was surprised to hear something cracking . (TN: びきりと、何かに亀裂が入るのが分かった)
Please stop!!
Don’t say it, Michelin . It’s useless .
Gaspar isn’t an enemy now!
I felt myself being overpowered by a black, destructive impulse, accompanied with a strange feeling . (TN: 黒い破壊衝動に支配された自分が、厭に立体感を伴って想像される。)
This is bad . At this rate…!
[Please don’t lose!]
The moment the words were finished, a power overflowed through me .
Good, it was different from that time .
There was a burning urge to shout, but at the same time, there was something cold suppressing it .
Gaspar attacked . I slowly stood up and charged .
I wasn’t conscious of taking evasive actions .
I was striking back without leaving any gaps between us .
Gaspar was struck by an intense strike in the abdomen and was thrown back . Rolling on the ground, he quickly got up, taking up a stance again .
I felt relieved .
The nature of the bamboo sword was probably the result of me suppressing my movement to the limit . (TN: 袋竹刀の性質と、俺がぎりぎりの所で自分の動きを抑制した結果だろう。)
Without looking like the last time — Yep, it was quite careless . (TN: あの時のような光景は見ずに――ええい、いい加減鬱陶しい！)
What was that . That previous memory?
I’m fed up with my muddled head .
At this moment, I think I can do it .
[Stop deceiving me . ]
At that moment, the memories from three years ago – the false ones – came crumbing down .
Revealing instead an image, a frighteningly vivid one, of red . Red could be seen everywhere .
Gaspar and Bruno were collapsed on the bloodstained ground, along with other children .
A crowd of adults were surrounding the scene with tense expressions .
And I, standing in the center, dirtied with the blood of the other children .
Further back, Michelin lied unconscious .

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