"You better be kidding, Eli!" he said, stopping dead in his tracks. "And if you"re not, we have another addition to our movie list."
"So it"s a movie?"
"It"s Meryl Streep and Cher and a million Oscars and Golden Globes and-"
"Is this one a musical too?"
His jaw dropped. "Never mind. I"ll tell you about it later."
As soon as I knew he was gone, I dropped the knife, braced both hands against the counter, and squeezed my eyes shut. What am I doing? What am I doing? I"d asked myself that question a million times when it came to my obsession with Seth Cohen, but I still didn"t have any answers. And, yes, it was an obsession. I could own that. I"d asked myself that question a million times when it came to my obsession with Seth Cohen, but I still didn"t have any answers. And, yes, it was an obsession. I could own that.
Going on three years and I hadn"t so much as made out with a guy. Some of that was because I agreed with Seth about the whole heart-head-d.i.c.k thing being connected, or should be connected, or whatever. But there was no way I couldn"t have found someone who met that requirement if I"d really tried. Or at least that would have been true if I hadn"t been pining after Seth.
It was ridiculous. Almost three years of self-imposed celibacy, and for what? It wasn"t like Seth was interested in me like that. It wasn"t like it would make him want me.
I stumbled over to the couch and collapsed, suddenly feeling exhausted. My last year of college was about to start. Was I going to spend it thinking about a guy I couldn"t have? Seth would always be my friend, maybe even my best friend, but I was going to lose my mind if I didn"t force myself to move past my hopeless childhood crush.
The best way to get over a guy is to get under another one. I"d heard that joke a time or three and I figured there was a lot of truth to it. I dropped my head against the back of the couch and thought about people I knew from school. There were several guys who"d asked me out a few times and kept hanging around even after I repeatedly turned them down. They were cute and fun, and I decided when I got back, I"d call one of them and ask him out. Didn"t matter which one. I"d heard that joke a time or three and I figured there was a lot of truth to it. I dropped my head against the back of the couch and thought about people I knew from school. There were several guys who"d asked me out a few times and kept hanging around even after I repeatedly turned them down. They were cute and fun, and I decided when I got back, I"d call one of them and ask him out. Didn"t matter which one.
"Okay, I"m all clean. Can we talk now?" The couch dipped at the same time I heard Seth"s voice.
I blinked my eyes open and looked at him. He was wearing a T-shirt from some fun-run fundraiser and pajama pants. His hair was wet and disheveled and his cheeks were rosy from the alcohol or the warm shower or both. I wanted him. G.o.d, but did I want him. I closed my eyes to hide the wetness I could feel forming there.
"Eli?" He scooted closer to me. "Is everything okay?"
I needed to get up. I had to get away from him. But I couldn"t.
"Eli?" He moved again. His hip was pressed against mine, and he wrapped his arm around my shoulder. "Talk to me. What"re you thinking about that has you so upset?"
He had to be a touchy drunk. The torture wouldn"t be complete otherwise. "Nothing." I gulped. "You said you wanted to talk about something. Go ahead. What"s up?"
"No." He shook his head. "You first. I can tell you"ve got things on your mind."
I forced myself to smile and then I lied to Seth. It was one of the hardest things I"d ever done. "It"s no biggie, really. I was just thinking about this guy at school."
He dropped his arm from my shoulder in a flash. "What guy?"
"He"s a-" I licked my lips and furrowed my brow in thought. "-business major. Or maybe accounting." I shrugged. "Either way, he wants to get his MBA and he"s cute."
"Cute?"
I nodded.
"Are you...." He made a squeaking noise and then drew in a deep breath. "Are you seeing this guy?"
"Yes." It hurt to keep lying to him, and there was no reason for it. "Well, not yet, but that"s about to change."
"It is?"
I got up, wiped my clammy hands on my jeans, and nodded. "Yes. I"m going to try dipping my foot-and my d.i.c.k-back in the dating pool. Going this long without is stupid."
Seth jumped off the couch. "But-"
"I know what you"re going to say," I told him as I raised my hand up in a stop motion. "But it"s been three years since I tried last time. People have to have grown up by now, right? I"m sure I"ll find someone who can stimulate all my organs. Like Gregg. I mean, Gary."
"That"s not what I...."
"He"s smart. You"d like him." I"d go out with Gary, we"d hit it off, and I"d be back on that horse. I paused, thought about it, and felt my shoulders relax. It was a good plan. "Maybe I can bring him home over winter break. That"d be good, right?"
When I looked at Seth for a response, I noticed he seemed really pale and his hands were shaking.
"s.h.i.t! I forgot to feed you." I turned toward the kitchen. "You sit down and I"ll get you some challah and soup. Then we can talk about whatever it was you wanted to talk about." I looked back at him over my shoulder. "Thanks for listening, Seth. You"re a great friend."
And if I had to write those words a hundred times on a chalkboard so I could remember that was all he"d ever be, I"d do it. Because operation Get Over Childhood Crush was officially underway.
Chapter 10.
Eli Block.
I STUCK STUCK with my plan and asked Gary out when I got back to school. And I was right about him being a nice guy. Fun, too, so I kept dating him, kept waiting for the flame to turn on in my chest when I was with him the way it did when I was with Seth. with my plan and asked Gary out when I got back to school. And I was right about him being a nice guy. Fun, too, so I kept dating him, kept waiting for the flame to turn on in my chest when I was with him the way it did when I was with Seth.
Speaking of Seth, we stayed friends, but I could sense a distance growing between us. I figured it was my fault. I was trying so hard to get over my crush on him that I probably pushed him away without meaning to. The weakening of our friendship wore on me until I snapped and decided it didn"t have to be all or nothing. I"d go out with other guys, find a boyfriend, and with any luck, have some a.s.sisted o.r.g.a.s.ms, but I wouldn"t step back from the friendship I"d built with Seth.
I told him as much when I was in Emile City for Yom Kippur my senior year and, to my relief, he promised that nothing I did and n.o.body I dated would ever change how he felt about me. True to his word, he spent almost every minute I was home with me, and I felt the chasm that had formed between us close. With that concern resolved, I went back to school and followed through on things with Gary. It wasn"t serious enough for me to bring him home, but we dated until spring break and ended things amicably. After Gary came my master"s program and Roger, a medical student who lived in the apartment next to mine. Then there was Justin, a guy who worked in a store where I bought my cell phone.
One night when I was driving home from a date with Roger-or maybe it was Justin-it hit me that I was looking forward to calling Seth to say good night way more than I"d looked forward to the date I"d just been on. The realization that what I felt for him was no longer something that could be categorized as a childhood crush, that I was actually in love with him, came easily. It wasn"t like getting hit by a wave, more like floating in a warm bath and feeling comfortable because the water had been rising slowly.
At first blush, that might make it seem like Operation Get Over Childhood Crush had been a total failure, but that wasn"t true. Three years of putting myself out in the dating pool had taught me that I could be attracted to other men, that I could enjoy their company and respect them, and even be in a relationship with them. It also taught me that all those things added together didn"t equate to being in love. But the way I saw it, that was okay, because at least I knew I was capable of that emotion, which was more than I could say for lots of people I knew.
Once I"d come to terms with my feelings for Seth, I no longer found them debilitating. I could be with him, notice my heart racing, and revel in that instead of fixating on what I couldn"t have. Which was why I"d only been in Emile City long enough to put my bags in my room and catch up with my parents before I was driving to Seth"s apartment.
My phone rang right as I"d pulled into his parking lot. "Hey," I said when I saw his number on the screen.
"Are you back?"
"Yeah." I parked the car. "I got in a couple of hours ago."
"You were supposed to call when you landed." I heard rustling. "I want to see you. Is it okay if I come over or are you doing family stuff?"
I chuckled as I climbed out of the car. "I already beat you to it."
"What do you mean?" he asked. I ran up the stairs. "Eli? What"s that-"
I had my key in the lock before he could finish his sentence.
"Seth!"
He came out of the bedroom with his belt unbuckled, one shoe untied, and the other in his hand. "Eli!" He dropped the shoe, rushed over, and pulled me into a hug. "Welcome home!"
"Thanks." I patted his back, gave him a squeeze, and pulled away, cognizant of not holding on too long. "It"s good to be back."
He gazed at me and smiled broadly. "And you"re here to stay this time. No more school."
"Well, I wouldn"t say no more school. I have three years of a doctorate program starting next month."
"But that"s different. You"re staying in Emile City." He yanked me back into a hug. "I can"t believe it."
The first hug had used up all my restraint, so with the second one, I let myself melt against him. I rested my head on his shoulder, wrapped my arms around his waist, and whispered, "I missed you."
"G.o.d." Seth ran his hand over the back of my head and sighed. "Me too. So much." After what was probably a long time for a hug but didn"t feel long enough, he stepped back and said, "Did your dad tell you about the job?"
I"d been trying to find a job in my field, but with my PhD program, I"d only be able to work part time, and music-related jobs weren"t exactly easy to come by, so I hadn"t had any luck.
"No. What job?"
He beamed. "How would you like to be a cantorial soloist at Temple Beth Shalom?"
"Seriously?" I asked excitedly. Being the song and prayer leader at the congregation my father founded and where Seth worked would be a dream come true. "What happened to Cantor Bell?"
"She"s going on maternity leave."
"I didn"t know she was pregnant again."
"Yup."
"So it"s temporary, just until she gets back?"
"We"ll see. She"s having twin boys this time, and with the two girls at home, she isn"t sure if she wants to come back to work. She asked for six months to figure it out, and we agreed to leave her position open until then. If you"re interested, you can sub for her until she decides what she wants to do."
"I"d love that!" I hugged him again. It was getting kind of ridiculous. "Thanks, Seth!"
"You"re welcome."
"Hey, I just thought of something." I clasped his shoulders and stepped back so I could look at his face.
"What?"
"That means you"ll be my boss."
Seth frowned. "No, I wouldn"t. We"d both be working for your dad."
"Uh-huh. But when my dad retires-"
"He isn"t retiring yet."
"He"s talking about retiring next year." I was surprised Seth didn"t know.
"Really? Did he say that?"
"Yeah. I mean, he"ll still be rabbi emeritus, so it"s not like he"ll disappear, but my mom wants to travel more, and he thinks you"re ready to lead on your own."
Seth blushed. "He told you that?"
I nodded. "You know my dad loves you, right? He talks about you almost as much as...." I stopped myself before I confessed to how much I talked about Seth. Being comfortable with my feelings for him didn"t mean shoving them in his face. "He said he couldn"t think of a better person to take care of his congregation. Those were his exact words."
Seth coughed. "His exact words, huh?"
"Yup."
"I"ll make sure to thank him for his, uh, confidence in me."
I shrugged. "Yeah, okay. So what do I need to do to get the cantorial soloist job?"
"Not a thing." He paused. "Wait. I guess there is one thing." There was a wicked glint in his eyes, which was weird because Seth almost never looked wicked.
"What?" I asked suspiciously.
"How would you feel about joining me at a wedding?"
That was it? "Yeah, sure." I shrugged.
"I hope you like zombies."
"YOU"RE s.h.i.tTING s.h.i.tTING me, right?" I said. me, right?" I said.
"Nope."
I looked at the building we"d pulled up to and then back at Seth. "This is a club."
"I know." He climbed out of the car.
"No, seriously." I followed him. "I"ve been here. It"s dingy and cramped, and there"s no way anyone would hold a wedding here."
"I have two words for you," he said.
"What?"
"Horse wedding."