I flipped around to see Seth standing just inside the doorway with Sheila, the mother of the bride.
"The fish are dead!" Donny shouted, not slowing in his mission. I said a silent prayer that he"d refrain from saying deadfish again. Or at least until his soon-to-be mother-in-law was out of the room. "We need to get them out!"
Seth and the bride"s mother looked confused. "They"re Mollies," I explained. Based on their expressions, I didn"t think they understood. "These fish need oxygen. There wasn"t any, so they suffocated. Now they"re dead and floating fish are not romantic."
I liberated another corpse from a centerpiece and added it to the growing pile in my hands.
"Seth, come help."
He walked over to me, but I could tell that he wasn"t quite caught up yet.
"Here." I held my palms out to him. "Take these."
"What am I going to do with dead fish?"
"I don"t know. Burial at sea?" I jiggled my hands in annoyance. "Find a toilet. Find a trash can. Just come grab the fish. My hands are full and I need to get more out."
He cupped his hands together and I poured the fish into them. His hands were bigger than mine, plus, because he wasn"t on the seek-and-retrieve portion of the mission, he could keep them in that position.
"Wait," I said when he started to walk away. "Come with me and hold them until they"re all gone."
Donny must have liked that idea because he said, "Sheila! Come help me like that." The bride"s mother rushed to his side without complaint.
"If we hurry," I whispered to Seth, "we can get more fish than them."
His jaw dropped, which looked sort of like a gaping fish impression. Kind of ironic.
"It isn"t a contest, Eli."
"Well, it can be," I pointed out.
I"d reached for the next bowl, ready to retrieve a fish, when Seth said, "It"s alive! That fish is alive. Don"t get it out."
I looked at the bowl. Although the fish wasn"t floating like its comrades, it was swimming very sluggishly.
"He"ll be dead soon, Seth," I said, dropping my hand in the bowl. "We need to get him out."
"You"ll kill it!"
I looked at my boyfriend incredulously. "The lack of oxygen will kill it. What do you want us to do? The fish won"t make it long enough for us to get an oxygen tank and a little itty-bitty fish mask in here. This is the only way we can save it."
"Save it? How will taking it out of the bowl save it?"
"I"m saving it and this entire wedding from pain and horror and screaming. It"s merciful. Like euthanasia for fish." I caught the fish and started pulling my hand out. "Think of it like fishanasia."
I dropped the fish into his hands. "How many is that? Do we have more than fifteen?"
"Eli!" Seth hissed. "Dr. Kevorkian didn"t count his kills."
"That"s only because he didn"t have any compet.i.tion."
Seth opened his mouth to respond but was interrupted by Donny"s shout from across the room. "Done! How many did you get?"
I arched my eyebrows at Seth in a "see?" look and said, "Let me count. I think we won."
"No way," Sheila snapped. "Donny. How many do we have?"
I adored her.
Seth snapped his mouth shut, slumped in defeat, and held his hands out for my inspection.
OUR FAST FAST thinking saved the day as far as fish drama went, but the wedding hadn"t even started yet, so there was plenty of room for fiascoes to unfold. And unfold they did. thinking saved the day as far as fish drama went, but the wedding hadn"t even started yet, so there was plenty of room for fiascoes to unfold. And unfold they did.
"Do you hear yelling?" Seth asked.
We were in a small sitting area next to the ballroom. The guests had started to arrive, so I"d have to go start playing soon.
"I think it"s all the people talking at the same time."
He tilted his head to the side and furrowed his brow. "No. I"m pretty sure that"s someone screaming."
I was about to disagree when I heard, "Mom! Fix it! You have to fix it!"
Seth shot up off the chair in a flash. "That"s Jennifer."
I was on my feet right after him. "And do you hear how she"s talking to her mom? That"s terrible. I love Sheila!"
He slowly panned over to me and shook his head. "Come on. I think they"re in there." He pointed to a small suite down the hall and then hustled over.
We heard m.u.f.fled shouts and what sounded like furniture b.u.mping. Seth knocked on the door. "Jennifer? Sheila? Is everything okay?"
"No!" Jennifer yelled through the door.
"It"s going to be fine," Sheila said, but she sounded strained.
"Is there anything we can do to help?" Seth asked.
I elbowed him.
"What?" he whispered.
"This is why you have wedding issues. There"s hysteria behind this door, and you"re offering to run in." I grabbed his arm. "Let"s go sit. I"m sure they"ll figure it out."
He looked truly shocked at the suggestion. "I can"t do that. They might need help."
Which was one of the many reasons I loved him. I leaned closer and kissed his cheek. "You"re a good man, Seth Cohen." I wrapped my arms around him and squeezed tightly. "I"m thankful every day that I get to live my life with you."
He beamed at me. "You know, I"ve been meaning to talk to you about that. I was thinking-"
The door swung open. "Rabbi Cohen, can you hold the dress together while I zip it?"
Seth looked as surprised as I felt. "Sure, I, uh, what?"
Sheila grabbed his arm and yanked him into the room. I stayed right on his tail, partly because I was curious and partly because I was concerned about his well-being. Jennifer was still shouting, but it sounded like it was intermixed with sobs.
When we got into the room, I saw the bride"s back. Literally, her back. She was wearing a dress-white, beaded, layered-but the zipper was hanging open.
"We can"t get the dress to close," Sheila said.
"I"m fat!" Jennifer choked out between tears. "I"m a fat bride!"
"You"re beautiful, honey. I think it"s the dress. The zipper is a little-"
"It"s not the dress! It"s the cupcakes. I shouldn"t have eaten the cupcakes."
Sheila picked up a box of Kleenex and walked over to her daughter. "You can eat a cupcake, it"s-"
"Twelve!"
"What?" Sheila started dabbing at Jennifer"s face.
"You know I bake when I"m nervous."
Her mother nodded.
"Well, this morning I decided to make some cupcakes for my bridesmaids, just to be nice and help settle me down, you know?"
Sheila nodded.
"But then I ate them."
I winced.
Sheila, bless her, looked unfazed. She just got a fresh Kleenex, gently wiped at the edges of Jennifer"s eyes, and said, "No more tears, honey. You"re a beautiful bride and Donny loves you."
"Twelve, Mom! I ate twelve cupcakes."
"Were they good?" Seth asked, stepping smack-dab into the conversation. He was a brave man.
"What?" Jennifer asked, seemingly taken off guard at the question. I knew I was.
"The cupcakes." Seth slowly moved closer, like he was approaching a wild animal on one of those nature shoes. "Were they good? I a.s.sume they were if you ate them."
"Yes." She sniffled. "They were good."
Another step closer. "That must mean you"re a great cook."
She shrugged.
Seth got within arm"s reach of her. "I bet Donny loves your cupcakes."
"He does." She nodded. "He says they"re even better than those six-dollar cupcakes at the fancy bakeries."
He closed the distance between them, patted her back, and said, "I"d love to taste those cupcakes sometime. Do you think Donny would mind sharing the next batch with me?"
Good rearing took over and distracted Jennifer from the dress calamity. "Of course he wouldn"t mind, Rabbi Cohen. I"d be happy to bring some over to the temple just as soon as we get back from our honeymoon."
"That"d be wonderful." He smiled at her. "I can"t wait to taste them." He took a breath and looked at the back of the dress. "Now, what can we do to help with this dress?"
"It looks like the zipper might be a little damaged," Sheila said. "Jennifer was having some trouble zipping it when I was helping Donny with the-" She paused, cleared her throat, and then continued. "She was having trouble when I was out of the room, so her maid of honor tried to help but I think she might have pulled a little too hard and bent the teeth."
Seth squatted down and examined the zipper. Then he glanced up at Sheila. "I don"t think this-"
"Maybe if I hold the two sides together, you can find a way to get it up," Sheila said.
That sounded vaguely dirty, but try as I might, I couldn"t figure out how to spin it into a joke.
"Okay," Seth answered.
Sheila got next to him, grasped both side of the dress, and tugged, bringing them together. "Okay, go ahead."
Seth fiddled with the zipper and, after a few false starts, he was able to get it sliding. He moved slowly with Sheila just ahead of him, bringing each portion of the dress together inch by inch. By the time they reached the top of the dress, Seth was standing and Sheila was smiling.
"We did it!" Sheila said triumphantly.
"Oh my gosh, Rabbi, thank you so much!" Jennifer said. "I can"t tell you how much I-" She turned around midsentence so she could face Seth, but the twist was more than the already strained zipper could handle and the dress popped open, this time with a distinct tearing sound.
"s.h.i.t!" I yelled.
"Oh no," Seth said.
"Mom?" Jennifer gasped, her breaths immediately coming faster.
The dress was hanging open again, but this time the issue was a separation of the fabric from one side of the zipper. I was sure all was lost when the door flew open and the maid of honor came running in, a shopping bag in hand.
"I got the Spanx!" she said, kicking the door closed behind her. She reached into the bag and yanked out something tan and small. "Put this on." Then she paused, seeming to notice we were in the room, and said, "Uh, hi, Rabbi. Hi, Eli. I brought Jennifer some Spanx."
"Spanx?" I mouthed to Seth.
He shrugged.
"What"s Spanx?" I asked.
She held up what looked like an exceptionally low-cut, nude-colored bathing suit. "It"s a bodysuit," she explained. "It"ll smooth and slim, uh, everything, so we can get the dress zipped."