As we lingeringly danced around the veranda, I tried to dislodge the hauntingly beautiful dream from my mind. It wouldn"t do me any good to create fantasies of Gabe writing songs for me, which was furthest from his persona in any sense.
Yet, he was just too close. He was so close I could breathe in his clean, spicy scent, so strangely alluring. I suppose I never imagined what Gabe would smell like before, but I somehow knew the intoxicating scent- his scent.
The tempo of the music picked up and before I knew it, Gabe was twirling me around the veranda.
With each beat I began to hear whispers.
Laughter.
I could hear tears of pain and tears of joy.
The tempo increased as the music neared its climax.
Suddenly there were all these different images, like pictures flashing in front of my eyes. A distant pain seemed to pulsate in my head, like there was something inside of me about to unleash.
There were so many images of him- of Gabe. I could see him smiling, laughing. It didn"t make sense. This man never smiled. And he never laughed! A chilling sensation moved down my spine and I could suddenly see Gabe in my arms, his eyes filled with pa.s.sion.
Quickly, I released my hold from Gabe"s arm and forcefully pushed him away from me.
"Lola, are you alright?"
I closed my eyes, willing the images to disappear. It proved to be a bad idea because the images only multiplied with intensity. I suddenly knew what it was like to make love to the man standing before me, when I"d never experienced anything like that in my life! I was still innocent, in that way. But yet, I knew, I just knew what it was like to have Gabe hold me in his arms, while we both trembled from the intensity of our. . .love.
My G.o.d, was I in love with Gabe?
Slowly, I backed away from him. This was crazy. It was madness. I barely knew Gabe. Somehow, I must have conjured up these fake memories out of some strange attraction I felt towards him.
But as I watched him watching me, I could see a sort of realization dawn on him. He could see my eyes had grown wide. He could see the disbelief written on my face.
And I could see that he knew something I didn"t.
I kept walking backwards until I b.u.mped against the railing.
"You need to breathe, Lo." His voice seemed to be filled with a quiet understanding. I could hear it when he spoke. He knew what was happening. He knew what I was. . .remembering.
"Lo?" he asked painfully.
I winced before I spoke. "Yes?"
"Breathe, okay?"
I nodded dimly. "I keep forgetting."
He started to walk towards me, but I held up my hand in front of me. "Please, just stay where you are."
Gabe respectfully kept his distance. Carefully, I scrutinized him from head to toe. He was the epitome of perfection. He didn"t look quite the same as the mental images in my head. Each version was slightly different from each other. But there were so many similarities. He always had dark hair and gray eyes. In some images, he had longer hair. In others, it was cut short. His jaw was always square and firm. Yet there were slight differences in each face. However, some things remained the same for every version of him.
In every image Gabe"s body was usually lean and slightly muscled. In some images, his entire body was bigger, rock-hard, as if his daily routine had forced him into the ma.s.s of muscles. And in some of my images, he was built a bit leaner, but never too thin or too out of that same Gabe-like character.
No matter how much I wanted to disbelieve what I had seen in my head, I knew it was him.
It was always Gabe.
With that same knowledge, a basic instinct told me that the man standing in front of me held every piece of my heart, my soul. This man could be the end of everything I"d ever believed, everything I"d ever known.
I wanted to say something- anything. But I didn"t know where to begin. How could he have loved me and held me like I saw in my mind. . .and let me go on not ever knowing? How could he do that? I could feel to the depths of my being that whatever it was we had shared, it was something momentous. So how could he let me go on as if the existence of what we shared was insignificant?
And how could I. . .
Forget?
Something twisted inside my stomach painfully. It was too much. His eyes implored mine as if he were waiting for a declaration. But what was I supposed to declare? I couldn"t bear it; I needed to leave. I had to get out of there.
"I"m sorry," I hastily told him, picking up the skirting of my dress and running for the door.
I ran inside the ballroom, through the ma.s.sive crowd. I pushed my way through the people, maybe a little too aggressively. Some of the onlookers might have thought I was rude. I didn"t care. Even if I did look like a lunatic. I just kept my eyes focused on the door, as if it were my salvation.
"Lola!" I heard Gabe call from behind me. I knew he was chasing after me and I wished he wouldn"t. I just needed a moment to absorb everything. I needed time before I had to look into his knowing eyes again. Especially when I could see that he was looking at me like he somehow knew all the pieces of me- and I guess he somehow did.
The thought terrified me.
I made it through the entrance and down the staircase into the foyer. Once outside, I ran with all my might, heading absolutely nowhere.
I took a moment to slip my heels off and then ran out onto the beach at full speed, holding my skirt in one hand and my heels in the other. I headed straight towards the docks, breathing heavily. The sand sunk beneath my toes with each step, but I wouldn"t let it slow me down. Amazingly, I didn"t feel exhausted yet. I just kept running. I ran through the stretch of yachts relentlessly.
It was like a millionaire"s playground. The beautiful boats towered around me like miniature buildings floating along the harbor.
Eventually, I made it to the end of the dock. Gasping, I sat down along the edge. Noticing the tenderness my feet had incurred, I dipped them into the cool water, feeling a momentary relief.
But I guess I was dumb to believe that Gabe couldn"t easily catch up to me. I heard him approach from behind.
I thought he was going to say something or call out to me as his footsteps slowed, but he did neither. He only sat down beside me along the edge of the dock. He, too, removed his shoes and then rolled up his pant legs. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw him slip his feet into the water next to mine.
"I don"t want to talk about this right now." A shaky twinge filled my voice. I fidgeted, trying to calm down. "I"ve barely had a chance to absorb everything."
"I understand," he said softly.
"Don"t do that," I told him.
"Do what?" he asked.
"Don"t be so. . .nice."
He paused for a second. And I wanted to kick myself for saying something so stupid. It had made sense in my mind to tell him to stop being nice, but it hadn"t sounded the way I meant it to once the words tumbled out of my mouth.
Gabe only sighed, mumbling a reluctant "okay". Then I started freaking out all over again because I realized how much he must understand me.
Gabe understands my nonsense.
A wrenching twisted at my heart. Only couples in their old age should understand each other"s nonsense.
I tried to maintain my composure, but it completely crumbled with his nearness. I knew I didn"t want to talk to Gabe about any of what I had just remembered, but I couldn"t help the feelings of hurt in my heart.
"How could you?" I asked, shifting my stiff form to face him. "How could you let me go on, ignorant to everything?"
Gabe"s jaw tightened. He looked pained; he truly did. I"ve never seen his face hold so much emotion before.
"Lola, there are things you don"t understand."
"What I don"t understand is that the way you have treated me ever since I"ve met you. . .just does not correlate with these memories!"
"I know, Lo. But the way I feel about you has never changed. Please understand that. If you understand nothing else, please understand that I have always loved you."
"Argh, I don"t even know you!"
Though I had made the statement (and I could see I hurt him by saying it), I knew deep down it wasn"t true. With each pa.s.sing moment, I could remember more and more details about Gabe"s personality. I knew that I knew him. And it was quickly coming back to me in waves.
"How many lives have I been like this?" An image of a saddened, lonely version of me crept into my thoughts. I think it was sometime during the nineteen fifties, maybe sixties. I inherently knew that I had been depressed for most of that life. I remembered dying young, not having the will to live.
"I"m not sure. Two, I think. Maybe three."
"And you?"
"It"s been four for me."
"You"ve lived four lives since we--" My heart sank and I couldn"t get out whatever words I had meant to say. The wrenching pain in my stomach grew unbearable. Especially when I couldn"t fully grasp where it was all coming from.
I stood up, ready to leave again. Gabe grabbed my arm and pulled me to him.
"Lola, they were short, meaningless lives. It"s barely been over a century since we were last together. d.a.m.n it, look at me!"
His face blurred under welling tears, but I could still make out the guilt written in his features.
"And what about Annika?" I asked.
I finally understood why she had behaved so cruelly towards me. It all made perfect sense now. I remembered the night she came home, after Gabe had broken off their engagement. . .it had been the same day Gabe and I had first spoken at the beach. I remembered the sight of her tear-streaked face and how she had sobbed in Miriam"s arms. It didn"t escape me that I had been the cause of that pain. "How could you do that to her?"
Gabe only shrugged. "Annika was nothing to me. She wasn"t what you were."
"How could you say such a heartless thing?" I shouted. "You proposed to her! She obviously meant something to you."
I couldn"t tell if I was more upset by the betrayal or that Gabe was acting so dismissive about his wayward actions with Annika.
"Lola, you can"t get angry with me when you don"t even understand how it was between me and Anni."
"The h.e.l.l I can"t!" I stood up furiously.
"Now just wait a second," Gabe"s voice picked up in tenor. "Annika and I had an understanding. I cared for her, of course, but nothing more. She wanted me to propose to her so she could have her picture-perfect life. I tried to give her that. My whole family wanted me to move on."
I held my hands up in the air, as if I could push it all away. I didn"t want to hear about Gabe and Annika. And for that matter, I didn"t want to hear about Gabe and me.
"I need to go," I said quietly.
"Please, just give me a chance to explain. There are reasons why I was never able to tell you, to explain to you who you are--"
"I can"t, Gabe. I can"t take anymore tonight."
"Lola, please."
"No." I said it with as much force as I could manage. He understood I meant it because he loosened the grip on my arm and his dark eyes turned away from me.
"At least promise me you"ll let me see you tomorrow?"
"Sure," I said, knowing it was a lie.
His grip tightened again. "I will see you tomorrow. Even if I must come to you. Don"t make me hunt you down, Lola. All I want is a fair chance to explain."
I nodded tightly. But deep down, I knew it would take more than a day for me to gather the courage to face him again- to bravely face those eyes that knew everything about me.
"Let me walk you home?" he asked.
"No, thanks."
He sighed loudly. "Fine." He gently pulled me towards him and kissed my forehead. The simple gesture was so achingly familiar, and yet it was strangely out of place.
I pulled myself away from his grip and turned to leave. My wet feet dripped along the dock as I hurried away.
I didn"t turn back. I didn"t need to see his face. It was permanently etched in my mind.
SIXTEEN.
I walked home in a daze. The remembering- it didn"t stop even when I tried to make it stop. Dismally, I considered it ironic that I would even want it to end when I"d spent a whole lifetime wishing the memories would come back to me.
But it hurt. It physically hurt, creating a pulsating pain within the back of my head that wouldn"t release.
I walked into the house, groaning from the agony of it. At least no one was home to hear me. I was thankful for that. I didn"t want to have to explain this. I couldn"t even explain it to myself, let alone anyone else.
The house was still, hushed almost, within the enveloping darkness of the night. I crept into my room quietly. I was dizzy, sick to my stomach. . .scared. Even within the silent haven of Miriam"s house, my mind continued to scream with loud sounds and bright flashes.
I reached for my bed, finding the soft sheets and falling into them. Cradling my head in my hands, I tried to will the pain away. I begged myself to sleep, anything to escape what was happening. And eventually, I did.
But as much as I wanted to escape the memories and the images replaying in my mind through slumber, it seemed sleeping only made things terribly worse. Apparently the subconscious world was aiding in the restoration of my memories. I dreamt of my past lives all night long.