Wanderlove

It surprised me to discover how incredibly handsome Rex Constantin was. Most people only referred to him as callous or cold. That could be true; he certainly didn"t seem very friendly, but I couldn"t help comparing Rex to Gabe. More than any of his siblings, Rex resembled Gabe the most. There was one exception, however. Rex was the first Contantin I"d noticed with eyes a different color than gray. Instead, his eyes were a dark amber hue.

"Of course, you don"t remember me or Rex, do you?" Baro asked.

I looked over both of them in contemplation, trying to distinguish either of them from my recently returned memories.

Baro shook his head. "You won"t be able to recognize either of us that way. Most people naturally look for similarities in appearance in order to identify someone. But gypsies are an internal species. They look for similarities through the mind"s sight. You have to look for the mannerisms, the way we hold ourselves. Look at the auras surrounding our heads, the stories within our eyes. Now try seeing him from your mind. Come here." Baro reached for my arm and pulled me directly in front of Rex.

"Close your eyes," he told me. "Don"t even look at him. Instead use your mind"s sight and get the feel of who he is."

I heard Gabe"s voice in the background saying, "She"s not ready for this, Bar."

"Shut up, Gabe," he ordered.

Suddenly, Baro"s voice was behind me now. "Who is the man who stands before you, Lola? What do you feel when you"re near him, what energy surrounds him? Open your eyes now."

I opened my eyes, meeting Rex"s gaze. I wasn"t expecting anything out of the ordinary to happen. But suddenly an image of a soldier flashed before my eyes. Or maybe n.o.bility? As quickly as it came, it departed. I tried searching for something more afterwards. And then several images flashed through my mind.

I remembered there was a woman who had scarred Rex for eternity. I could sense this woman was the cause of his bitterness and distrustful nature.

A distant phrase filled my head. "I"ll always hold a deep respect for you, Liliana Moori. You"re one of few women who will ever hear me say that."

I shivered, feeling a spark of recognition. I looked over Rex, remembering who he was. We hadn"t always liked each other; I instinctively knew this. At one time, we each formed opinions of one another based on the wrong impressions. For a long time, I had detested this man entirely. But my opinion of him changed, somehow. I began to understand him and love him like he was my own family.

"Stefan," I breathed, the name filling my mind.

Baro patted me on the back, almost knocking me over. "Well done, draga."

I watched as a flicker of emotion sparked within Rex"s eyes. I knew he would never be one to offer affection. But I also knew that despite his hardened exterior, he needed it.

I hugged him tightly. He stiffened for a moment, but eventually accepted my embrace. He hugged me back, saying, "I"ve also missed you."

I turned around, looking at Baro. "And I know you as Dragos," I said, smiling.

He made a little bow before me. "Very good. However, I always hated that name. Baro suits me better, don"t you think?"

I heard Rex mumble under his breath, "Arrogant peac.o.c.k."

Baro only grinned. "It"s taken from the word barosan," Baro explained in an aside to me.

"Ah, I see." I actually thought Baro did encompa.s.s the qualities of a natural leader. I could very easily picture him at the head of a tribe. And then I had another image appear before me of Baro as a real barosan. In the image, Baro gave out orders and wore the traditional red sash around the waist of his pants, which represented leadership.

"This is so freaky," I said to no one in particular. "I remember some things, but I don"t remember everything. I just know that I know both of you. And I also know what kind of people you are."

"Then. . .you do not have all your memories yet?" Baro asked in a tentative voice.

"It"s strange. I believe I do have them, but they"re all tucked away, as if each were a folder within a filing cabinet. When something triggers a memory, one of the folders is withdrawn and I begin to look through the file, remembering more and more."

Baro nodded. "Soon it will become easier. Soon you will have all of your memories at hand. And that is what we must speak to you about tonight." Baro paused, sighing. "It will be difficult to explain, I fear."

I sat back down on the sofa. Baro and Rex sat across from me in separate chairs.

Gabe remained by the window, a solemn expression still occupying his face.

"What is it that everyone is so afraid of?" I prepared myself to listen and be open to whatever they had to say.

Baro began speaking, his voice lulling into that of a storyteller. "It was a very long time ago when it happened. Unfortunately, a curse was placed upon your memories, hindering you of all capabilities of remembering anything about your past lives."

"A curse?" I asked, surprised. The possibility had never even occurred to me. There were so few gypsies who could perform curses, much less perform a curse that lasted the span of several lifetimes. "Who would do that to me?"

Baro and Rex glanced at each other for a moment before Baro decided to speak again. "I suppose it will do no harm to tell you at this point. It was Zetta Moori who cursed you, under your father"s orders, of course."

Bewilderment swept over me as I thought of my loving aunt. "Auntie Zetta would never do anything to hurt me," I said.

"She didn"t do it to hurt you, draga," Baro insisted. "She did it to keep you safe."

"I don"t understand."

"I know. And I"ll try my best to make sense of it. But I must warn you now that I won"t be able to answer all of your questions. There are some things that simply cannot be said aloud to you. Can you accept this, Lola?"

I nodded. "Just tell me what you can."

"Zetta is one of the only people who could perform a curse that strong. It is in your makeup to remember your past lives. The Roms have had this ability for centuries. She was taking something away from you that went against your very own nature. It was the reason she stayed close to you, to keep the curse strong." Baro paused, choosing his next words very carefully. Finally, he said, "She kept your memories from you because there is something hidden within your mind, something that must stay hidden."

"A hidden memory?"

"Yes."

"But why must it stay hidden?"

He paused again, searching for the right words. "Because. . .once it is unleashed, the mind readers will be able to listen. They will be able to know what you know. And should those memories ever come to light, G.o.d help us all. Especially you, Lola. Because even if the best mind readers can"t pick your brain for all of the details they need, you will still become the greatest threat to many and in danger from those who think they can use you.

"If people know what"s inside your mind, you will be undoubtedly captured, tortured even, in order to release what you know. And believe me, if what you know gets out, it"s not just you who will be in trouble. We will all be in great danger. In fact, the whole d.a.m.ned world would be in peril."

I stared at Baro blankly. "Well, that was quite a mouthful," I mentioned a few moments later. And then as what he said started to sink in more, my voice became a little whiny as I asked him, "But why do I have to keep whatever this thing is hidden? Why can"t someone else hide it in their mind?"

"Your mind is not a safe deposit box, Lola," Baro told me. "We can"t just take out what doesn"t belong there. It"s a memory. It"s your memory, nonetheless. And unfortunately, you were the one who was chosen for this."

"Baro," Rex grumbled.

"d.a.m.n," Baro muttered. "I didn"t mean to touch on that subject."

"What do you mean chosen?" I asked.

"That is one of the questions I cannot answer, Lola."

"Why?"

"Because the answer may lead to your remembrance, and I will not be the cause of the horrific aftermath, which would undoubtedly ensue."

It was all so completely and utterly frustrating. They were telling me not to remember, but couldn"t explain why- because it might bring about my remembering. It was a vicious cycle, if there ever was one. Though it shamed me, I really wanted to know whatever it was they knew. A foggy blanket covered my mind. It was an oppressive and suffocating thing. I desperately wished I could remove it and allow my memories to crystalize into perspective. It was like fighting to breathe again.

"Okay, fine. I think I get it," I said. I turned to face Gabe, calling him out with my expression. He turned to me, knowing that I was about to speak directly to him. "But what does all this have to do with you?"

Within that one question, there were several more. At the same time, I was asking him, Why did you not want me to remember you? Why did you disappear for so many lifetimes? And how could you possibly ask my cousin to marry you?

"I had to leave you," he told me softly.

"Gabe, that"s enough" Rex said in a warning tone.

Gabe glared at his brother. "Give it a rest, Rex. She"s already remembered me. There"s nothing more we can do to stop it from happening."

"Yes, but we can stop how quickly she remembers."

"You"re being ridiculous."

"And you"re being a fool!" Rex growled.

"Settle down, Rex," Baro commanded his brother. His booming voice echoed throughout the large room. It was clear that Baro was the voice of authority within this household. Rex obeyed, though reluctantly. He sat back in his chair, and kept his mouth closed. He didn"t look happy about it, either.

"Go ahead, Gabe," Baro allowed. "Just try to be careful of how you choose your words."

Gabe nodded and then moved closer to where I sat. He kneeled down to my eye level next to the sofa. "Do you know why your memories are coming back, Lo?"

I shook my head.

Gabe reached for my hand, taking it in his. "Well, for one thing, your aunt isn"t near you, so the curse is wearing off. But it"s also because when you"re near me. . .it all comes back to you." He looked down at my hand sadly. "You remember me and then you remember everything."

He looked up, his eyes imploring mine, with so much emotion reflecting through. "I tried to be with you even after your memories were taken away. But it didn"t work. For some reason, I make you remember everything. . .you were killed in that life, Lo. You committed suicide."

My jaw dropped. I couldn"t believe what he was telling me. "I don"t believe in suicide," I said to him. "It"s a coward"s way out."

"I know," he sighed. "That"s when I realized how important this secret is for you, too. You gave your own life to keep it. And when you died, I lost everything."

A scene began to shape itself in my head. I was standing on a rocky cliff overhanging the ocean. Vigorous waves crashed loudly below. I could almost taste the salty mist and hear the roar of the waves as if I had been transported back to that place and time.

I took one step closer, and then one more.

They weren"t far behind me. I knew it was now or never. If they caught me, all would be lost forever. . .I closed my eyes. I can do this, I thought to myself. But I was so afraid. I was afraid of the pain. And I was even more afraid of. . .of not being with him anymore. A lone tear escaped my lashes and fell across my cheek.

I whispered to the moonlit sky, "I love you, Gabriel."

I heard them approaching. I could see their torches lit only a mere fifty feet away. They could never get to me now. They could never have what wasn"t theirs to take.

One step more upon the ground, and then another in open air. And then I simply fell. The air enveloped me as I rushed downwards, to my death.

I gasped as the images around me faded, bringing me back to the present. "It"s true!" I screamed. "My G.o.d, it"s true!"

Suddenly, I was back in the Constantins" living room, screaming at the top of my lungs.

Everyone stood up at once. Except for Gabe. He was at my side in a second, pulling me onto his lap. He stroked my hair, attempting to comfort me. "It"s okay, my love. You"re okay." Dismally, I touched my cheek, feeling the wet tear that had escaped. I wasn"t sure how that happened. I didn"t remember crying, except during the vision.

"What did you remember?" Baro asked, alarmed.

I felt Gabe"s muscles tense at my side. "Give her a d.a.m.ned moment, Bar."

As I struggled to stifle my inner turmoil, I announced to everyone, "There"s no need to panic. I didn"t remember whatever it is that you people don"t want me remembering."

Everyone"s expressions transformed into relief, including Gabe"s. I continued by telling them, "I think I saw myself jumping off a cliff."

An uneasy silence filled the room. "It felt so real, so intense," I explained. "It was like I was there again."

Gabe held me closer to him now. I began to realize how nice his encompa.s.sing warmth felt around me. I felt safe and protected. It had never occurred to me that I hadn"t felt safe before.

Almost immediately, I forced myself to move away from him. I didn"t care if I happened to be madly in love with Gabe or if he was my soul mate from many lifetimes ago. This was a different life. And in this life, I refused to allow myself to grow dependent on anyone"s comfort. Especially comfort from someone who had broken my heart.

As if he knew what I was thinking, Gabe reached for me, tilting my chin so I would face him. "Annika was a means to move on. I spent several lifetimes mourning the loss of you."

Baro spoke now. "Truthfully, we all pushed him into that wedding with Anni. We didn"t do it to spite you, Lola. Because Rex and I, we love you like our own flesh and blood. We just wanted Gabe to be happy. I guess we never realized he couldn"t be happy without you."

I swallowed back any tears that had been forming. "I understand," I said softly, trying to keep my voice from breaking.

It was true. I completely understood that Gabe"s family cared about him and wanted him to move on. I didn"t resent them for that. And now. . .I guess I didn"t even resent Gabe anymore for trying. I wanted him to be happy. But still, it just hurt so much.

Part of the hurt stemmed from knowing that I"d never been able to move on. I don"t think I even tried. I may not have all of my memories back, but I knew my heart had never belonged to anyone but Gabe. I couldn"t even imagine there being anyone else who I could have been with after loving Gabe with so much of my soul. And it was tearing me apart that he had attempted to move on with Annika.

But if I was being completely honest with myself, I"d admit that the real hurt came from knowing how perfect Annika was. She was good and kind, so much better than I could ever be. I was nothing but a common thief, a liar and a dishonorable daughter. My beauty only ran skin deep, but Annika was beautiful inside and out. I could never compare to her.

"You seem distant. Tell me what you"re thinking," Gabe pleaded quietly.

I met his sparkling gray eyes, noting the concerned lines in his face. "Nothing," I lied. "I"m just digesting everything."

Another troubled sigh sounded from Baro. "There"s more," he stated.

"I know what you"re getting at," Gabe said to his brother angrily. "And don"t you think this is enough for tonight?"

"I"m not trying to frighten her, Gabe. But she needs to know."

"Just say it," I told them both. "I can handle it."

Gabe"s expression hardened. He crossed his arms over his chest grudgingly. "Go on," he said, allowing Baro to continue.

"Now that your memories are coming back, this situation has become a little dire."

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"There are people out there, other gypsies, who know who you are. The best mind readers will be on the lookout for your thoughts and memories. Once they"ve picked up your. . .frequency, if you will, we are going to have trouble. I believe there will be those who come looking for you in order to capture you. . .Lola, what I"m trying to say is: Now that some of your memories have been exposed, your very life is at stake."