"I"ve been thinking," Sie began, then paused. She looked up at the ceiling, as if trying to rehea.r.s.e in her mind the order of the words she wanted to speak. "About us."
Lith felt a shiver run up her arms and willed the Colonel to meet her eyes, to explain-quickly now!-what she meant by that cryptic statement. The silence lengthened. Lith wanted to slap the table and tell her to get on with it but her hands were frozen, clenched together tensely in her lap. Her throat was dry.
"What we are doing is wrong in so many ways. And I, I must take full blame for that."
Wrong. Blame.
The words reverberated in Lith"s mind. The colonel"s image jumped up and down in front of her, as if viewed through a badly aligned mute-bubble.
Sie must have taken her silence for agreement, because she continued. "Even if you were a man rather than a woman, the continuation of our, liaison, wouldn"t be advisable. I"m aware that my rank and position of privilege may have coerced you into actions you normally," she stopped and cleared her throat, "normally wouldn"t have indulged in. And I would be a poor example of a commander if I maintained such actions."
Lith stared at her and at the profile of a face that was turned away from her. What she and the colonel had "indulged in" had many names, but coercion was not one of them. A pool of anger started simmering deep in her belly.
"Are you trying to say that you raped me?" she asked hoa.r.s.ely, her voice high with disbelief.
d.a.m.n her for making it so f.u.c.king neat! She could understand now why the Colonel was one of the best commanders the empire had. She could take emotions, ethics, bone-shuddering pleasure and reduce them to a cold equation of risk and consequences. She could manipulate reality itself so it conformed to her own objectives.
Central Control must adore the ground she f.u.c.king walks on.
Yet the anger couldn"t hide the sensation of being ripped apart. She thought that being in a relationship meant that important decisions were made jointly. All important decisions.
But we didn"t have a relationship, did we?
Yes, they did. It might have not been perfect. Near the beginning, she had flayed herself for being all sorts of a fool for the simmering attraction she felt for her superior officer. But she thought it had grown past that.They had grown past that, nurturing a tender, incredible thing into.... Well she didn"t want to speculate, but certainly something deeper and more memorable than a quick affair.
But now, looking at that set dusky face, Lith wondered if she had been a trusting dupe to even think there was a living heart beating somewhere under that crisp, flaxen tunic. Mutinously, she stared at her superior, daring her to lock gazes.
Rape.
Cheloi resisted the impulse to bury her head in her hands. This was supposed to be a rational discussion. When had it veered into such b.o.o.by-trapped terrain? She felt the flush dart hotly up her cheekbones, washing her face with red fire.
"Maybe, rape is too strong a word," she said as calmly as she could, but knew her voice was stilted. The words were aloof and stiff, like little toy soldiers marching on parade. "But you can"t deny there"s an element of duress inherent in our positions."
"Why don"t we try honesty for a change?" Lith asked with heat, her eyes narrowing. "Are you trying to tell me you don"t want to f.u.c.k me any more?"
No.
Yes.
Was there a nicer way she could put this?
"It"s not a good idea," she finally agreed, striving for a tone of voice that she hoped would give her the upper hand. So far, she felt as though she"d just been caught in a very clever ambush. "We"re in a war zone, both of us in enough danger as it is. Our, our affair adds too much risk to the both of us."
"Risk?" Lith repeated. "What about feelings? What about pa.s.sion?"
Sie shook her head. "They would kill us if they found out, Lith."
"Kill? Is that all you"re worried about?"
Cheloi wanted to hit something. Why now? Why did she have to find such a woman, so pa.s.sionate and full of fire, precisely when she couldn"t afford to?
"I"m worried about both our lives," she corrected.
Lith blinked again. She was probably trying to come to terms with the words exchanged in the past few minutes. Cheloi swallowed. This was for the best, she told herself. Why any sentient being would want the attentions of a ma.s.s murderer was beyond her. Maybe Lith, caught up in the heat of the moment, could bear such a touch, but Cheloi was sure her driver"s ardour would turn to dust in the end. Those energetic disclaimers would fade into uncomfortable silences. It was better to end things now.
"So that"s it then," the lieutenant finally said. She sounded angry and exhausted.
"I"d like you to remain in your position," Cheloi told her quietly, "but I understand if you wish a transfer."
"Thank you, Senior Colonel," Lith replied, rising to her feet. "I shall take your request under advis.e.m.e.nt, and inform you of my decision in due course."
"Lith-"
Cheloi heard the pleading in her own voice and quickly shut her mouth on it. She wanted to reach out her hand, but how could she extend such support when she"d just, with cool calculation, taken it all away? She watched the deliberation with which Lith turned her back on her, the jerkiness of her retreat. A soft click betrayed the careless flick of a wrist against the lock, then she was gone.
Cheloi was left with the dismal revelation that she had gone and done the stupidest thing in the universe. She had fallen in love.
"Love?" Kyn Behn knocked back a half of beer amid the roaring of her compatriots. She wiped her mouth with her sleeve. "That"s not an emotion. That"s an excuse!"
The people at the table roared again. Some of them reached across with unsteady hands to shove her companionably in the arm or pat her on the shoulder.
Commodore Behn sat back with a smug smile on her face, her gaze moving from one face to another. An onlooker to the action would have said that the commodore was as sozzled as the rest of her drinking party, lately docked at Pier Peer for much needed rest and recreation.
Fleet B had just returned from a tour of the larger Jalean sector, using its small but impressively armed team of ships to keep the Nedron Union from muscling into its territory. Good cheer from a successful tour had naturally lead to a celebratory dinner at The Cube, one of the better dining establishments close to the s.p.a.ce elevator that led up to the pier itself, a transfer station perched just beyond the planet"s atmosphere in the dark vacuum of s.p.a.ce.
"Did you see the way that Nedron cruiser tried to pretend its sensor systems were giving trouble?" Captain Zik asked.
Even seated, his torso was swaying. Kyn calculated less than an hour before he collapsed and had to be lifted away by the discreet restaurant staff and deposited at the base"s quarters. She always made sure she tipped handsomely when she came to The Cube. Some of their services bordered on priceless.
Two meaty hands hovered in the air in front of him, trying to imitate his ship and the Nedron cruiser in question.
"Sensor systems," he snorted, moving his left hand so its fingers b.u.mped the thumb of his right several times. "As if the b.a.s.t.a.r.ds thought I"d swallowed that one. They managed to move out of the way-the right way too-right smart when I came up their a.r.s.e. Didn"t expect their helmsman to have such good reflexes."
There was a tinge of regret in the veteran"s voice, despite the fact that his manoeuvres could have sent a major part of both crews to oblivion.
"Ah, who wants to hear about combat stories?" Captain Gyal interrupted.
"I do," Zik mumbled, but the older woman was in fine fettle and ignored him.
"Combat stories are as plentiful as hydrogen out there," she jerked her head up, indicating the infinite s.p.a.ce beyond the restaurant walls. "What I"m more interested in are the personal stories," she shot Kyn what she probably thought was a subtle look, complete with a wavering wink that momentarily closed both eyes. "The stories of the heart."
The rest of the table took this up as a chant. "Heart! Heart!" Their conversation, which had already reached an alarming decibel level, threatened to drown out the rest of the patrons in the establishment. It was just as well The Cube was frequented more by military types than civilians or Kyn might have had to kill all the occupants just to save herself from future embarra.s.sment.
She put up her hand, requesting silence. Or, barring that, at least a decrease in the volume. "I"m not sure what you mean." At their grumbled protests, she grinned. "I"ve already given you my opinion on the subject, dear officers. What more do you expect me to say?"
"Do you mean to tell me," Gyal asked, with the single-mindedness of the truly inebriated, "with all due respect, Commodore, that that lovely bit of fluff that devours you whole every time we dock at Peer doesn"t mean a thing to you?"
"Whatever Seren Prie feels for me," Kyn replied, shouting now above the jeering hubbub, "is her own affair. I haven"t put anything into her head."
"We weren"t talking about her head," another of the captains joked raucously.
Kyn grinned again, just as she caught a flash of movement at her peripheral vision. She turned...and the smile slowly faltered on her face.
A bit of fluff that devoured her whole.
Yes, that was a good way to describe Seren Va Prie, daughter of a fellow restaurant owner. Near the bottom of the elevator, hospitality establishments thrived. They catered for a crowd of arrivals who couldn"t wait till they travelled to the capital before sampling the delights of planetside living. The Cube was popular with the military, but the Prie family owned Prie"s Pleasure, an upscale eatery that catered more to the wealthy cruiseliner crowd. What Va found so attractive in a bawdy senior officer more than a decade older than her was a mystery to Kyn. Judging by the ribald comments of her officers, it was a mystery to most of her command structure as well.
She rose as quietly as she could and slipped away while Gyal"s attention was diverted by a quarrelsome Zik. They were the comedy act of the fleet and Kyn would be sad to leave them.
Her long walk across the polished floor to Va wasn"t as faltering as an observer would have expected. Kyn Behn was far from being as drunk as she made out but it went unnoticed amidst the jovial drinking and eating.
Va Prie was a head shorter than Kyn, with pale barely sun-kissed skin and enormous grey eyes that reflected clear mountain waterfalls. She watched as Kyn approached, her brows furrowed with uncharacteristic concern.
f.u.c.k, she knows.
Kyn tightened her lips momentarily then stretched them into what she hoped was a welcoming smile.
"Darling Va," she said, stopping when they were only a hand"s breadth apart.
"I heard the fleet was back." Her voice was trembling. "I had expected a call from you."
Yes. For all the off-colour jokes and l.u.s.ty commentary, the Jaeleni were renowned as a society that ran on courtesy. Her lack of communication to Va was a serious breach of manners.
"Come," Kyn said, taking her elbow. "Let"s find somewhere a bit quieter. With a bit more peace."
With a small movement of her finger, she indicated to one of the wait staff that she was heading to the upper level, a darkly lit lounge level that contained conversation pits of varying sizes. Kyn sought out an intimate corner near the windows that looked out on the lower reaches of the elevator. Its myriad struts were lit up in an intricate web of dotted lines, stretching up into the night sky like a mythic tower of light. Further up, it was swallowed by clouds, the billows glowing brighter where they obscured the framework.
Kyn-otherwise known as Fusion agent, Laisen Carros-looked at the elevator a bit wistfully, dreading the conversation that was to come.
"I missed you," Va said and Laisen didn"t have to turn in the dim light to know there was a half-smile playing about her elfish face. Laisen gritted her teeth, stifling the impending impulses of a full-blown tantrum at the words.
Copan would have a fit if he knew what she felt like doing. He would probably recommend suspension. It was only that thought that kept Laisen from jumping up, grabbing Va by that intricately sewn collar of hers and shaking her.
She wanted to yell, pounding words with the weight of blows into the younger woman"s face. "What the h.e.l.l do you think you"re doing, giving me so much power? I am nothing to you! I have treated you with distant kindness and you"ve taken that sc.r.a.p and built something huge and monstrous out of it. And I don"t want any of it! It"s too soon."
She wanted to jolt the feelings out of Va, until those enormous grey eyes that seemed capable of swallowing the pain of the universe cooled into something Laisen was better able to deal with. Instead, swallowing her violent impulses, she smiled faintly.
"It was a long and eventful tour this time," she said, avoiding Va"s statement all together.
But the young woman would not be distracted. "I think I missed you so much because...I love you."
Laisen"s gaze fixed on the lit struts on the fortieth level of the soaring elevator. Or was it the forty-fifth?
Love? What the h.e.l.l do you know about love, little girl? Love is having some ravening monster ambush you, rip you to pieces, and leave you gasping on a frigid floor. Love is picking up the pieces, ill-fitting and bleeding, and wondering how you"re ever going to put them back together again. Love is selfishly using another sentient being for physical comfort so you can forget the one person who meant the entire universe to you.
Had it really been only two years?
"What you"re feeling, Va, is more an infatuation. Maybe what you need-"
"Don"t patronise me." The words were low and ground out.
Startled, Laisen looked over at her and saw the anguish on Va"s face, matched by two perfect teardrops rolling down her pale cheeks.
"I"m sorry," she said softly, but the words were still chill. "I didn"t mean to offend you."
"Is it true? What they say? That you"re leaving the service?"
Even the last tour had been an indulgence. Enjoyable but unnecessary. After making sure the Nedron Union was not about to conveniently "annex" any other struggling systems, Laisen"s job was done. But she couldn"t resist the allure of just one more tour in the company of people she had grown to genuinely like and respect. However, in two days" time, she was out of the service completely with an honourable discharge. And, of course, the military grapevine had carried the news to her young lover"s ears with the speed of ultra-light travel.
"Yes, it"s true."
Va"s face lit up with hope as she blinked her tears away. "Where are you going after that?" she asked with choked enthusiasm. "I thought that, considering Fleet B is based at Peer and you"re barracked here, that you might consider staying." She faltered. "I mean, you already know the people around, don"t you?"
The set expression on Laisen"s face wasn"t promising, but Va gamely forged ahead. "There are so many people coming and going, you"d never get bored. And there"s an academy here that would be delighted to extend an instructor"s appointment to you. You could take some time off. You"re always telling me how little opportunity you"ve had to enjoy planetside living. Or-or you could come and work with us at Prie"s Pleasure...I could talk to the family...." Receiving no response, she finally stumbled to a halt.
The cover story had been set, one that Laisen could execute with ease. No hurried displacement manoeuvre was required this time. All she had to do was gently meander to the edge of Jaeleni s.p.a.ce under the guise of taking up a new position. Kyn Behn would disappear and Laisen Carros would eventually slip across into Fusion-friendly s.p.a.ce. But, in the face of Va"s struggling hopes, the practised words died in her throat.
"The fact is, Va...," she swallowed. "There"s someone else."
"Someone-?" Watching the expressions flit across the younger woman"s face was agonising. Incomprehension, surprise, anger, betrayal. Laisen forced herself to look fully at her as a form of penance.
"She"s dead," Laisen added quickly.
Incomprehension reigned. "I don"t understand."
Laisen shifted position, picking up Va"s right hand and laying it on her thigh, absently playing with it with her fingers.
"Regardless of what you may have heard down there," she jerked her head towards the dining hall below, "I was in love with someone very deeply once. And still am."
Laisen heard the frown in Va"s voice. "But didn"t you say she was dead?" The strident tone of someone desperately willing reality to conform to her dreams crept into her words.
"Yes."
"But that doesn"t make any sense!"
"No," Laisen agreed sadly. "It doesn"t, does it?"
"If she"s dead," Va paused and grimaced, pulling her fingers away. Laisen let them escape. "And I"m sorry, but if she"s dead, what does she have to do with us?You"re not dead. You"re still alive. What about the rest of your life?"
Laisen knew she would have to be much more careful in the future. She had buried herself in Va Prie without thinking of Va"s needs, and now had to reap her lover"s bitterness.
"I wish," she stopped, trying to pull tangents of regrets and emotions together. Failing. "I already have a new commission waiting for me," she said, playing the coward. Falling back on the practised lie of the extraction strategy. "Out by Sundi"s World."
"That"s, on the other side of the galaxy, isn"t it?"
"Near enough."
A cynical smile twisted Va"s lips, making her look years older. "I didn"t realise I was such an ogre. I must be terrible indeed to make a Fleet Commodore run so many light-years away from me."