FRITZ LEARNS ABOUT CANADA
Vot"s de use for some beeples to blow, Und to make some beeg fools mit demselves Ven already de tings dey don"t know Vould soon fill all de books on de shelves?
Ven I"m oudt in de hospital yard, Und go unter de tree mit de rest, Den I shmoke, und I blay some more card Mit von chap from de Canada Vest.
Dis here feller, his name is Von Krink, Und his fader from Shermany go, He vill tell me some lies I don"t tink, From de blace vere dose maple leafs grow.
Dat beeg farm of his dad"s is so vide Dey musht drive all deir horses mit shteam, Und it take dem, to plow down de side, Von whole veek mit a buffalo team.
Und to cross dat beeg country, he say, Dey go five or six days on de train; Dey could shtick in von corner avay, De whole Faderland, England und Spain.
Dey haf rivers more beeg as de Rhine, Und some forests as vide as de sea, Und dose veat fields, mit homesteads so fine, Dey vill gif von for notting to me.
Vot"s de use den ve fight, I don"t know, For von shmall shtrip of land py de sea, For if dis feller tells me vot"s so, Den already beeg fools ve must pe.
Ven dis var vill get ofer, you bet, So dat me und Katrina can go, I vill get me von farm maype yet, From de blace vere dose maple leafs grow.
FRITZ CAN"T FURSHTAY
Seems like someting go wrong mit mine head Since de day ven I make de beeg fight, Und mine heart gets so heafy like lead Ven I dries some more bieces to write.
Dot is vy I so seldom don"t wrote "Bout some tings dat vill happen to me Since dose sh.e.l.ls, vot you call? get mine goat, Und I am only von left out of tree.
Dot Canadian feller, Von Krink, Ven I say, "nix furshtay" to his talk, He shoost tells me to take von more tink, Or already he"ll knock off mine plock.
Ven I tells him de tings dat he say I can"t find dem in mine leetle book, Den he varn me to not get too gay Britty soon or he"ll gif me de hook.
Den he say dat de Kaiser"s a chump, Und his vorks dey vos shlipping a cog, Und his crown vill get trowed in de dump, For he put de whole vorld on de hog; Dot us Shermans vos all off our base Und already our goose vos cooked prown; Britty soon ourselves home ve can chase, Und den go avay back und sit down.
Vot he somedimes vould mean I don"t know Ven he gifs me dis foolishness talk, If I ask him he say, "Shoost go slow, Mine dear Fritz, ven you"re oudt for a valk."
Dot is not like de English I shpoke, Vot I learn in de books I haf read.
Den no vunder mine heart is near proke; Und Von Krink says dere"s veels in mine head.
FRITZ IS LEARNING
Vile I vait in his hospital yard For dose holes in mine back to fill up, Den mine brain it vould vork pritty hard, Like von vagon dat climbs de hill up.
Vill dis var soon get done, I don"t know, So some more mine Katrina vill shmile, Vonce we tought ve vould vin long ago But ve"re learning some tings, all de vile.
Dere seems millions of men mit de gun, Shoost like ants shwarming oudt of de hill.
From all ofer dis vorld dey haf run Us goot Shermans already to kill.
Ve believed dat dem French vas no goot, Shonnie Bull ve vould shtarve in his isle, Ve vould sink all his ships dat pring foodt, But ve"re learning some tings all de vile.
It will not pe so easy, I tink, Shonnie Bull to put down on de floor, For venefer his ships ve vill sink, Pritty soon he vas puilding some more, Dose beeg zepps, und dose unterseeboots Dat ve make mit de latest new shtyle; If dey don"t always. .h.i.t vot dey shoots, Ve must learn some more tings all de vile.
Ven already ve dakes von shmall town, Den ve lose him a couple of dimes, Shoost so soon von beeg hill ve goes down, Dere"s anoder von up dat ve climbs.
Some goot Shermans vos lifing to-day, In dose drenches for five hundred mile, Ven dose English und French vill get gay Den ve show dem some tings, all de vile.
FRITZ HEARS FROM THE KAISER
Yaw, de Kaiser he write me von day, Shoost so soon he find oudt he get shtuck; First his letters dey come mit de dray, Now de"re filling von beeg motor truck, Soon, already, I dells him vot"s drue, Dat some tings don"t look goot in dis fight, Den der Kaiser he feel britty plue, Und like dis vay to me he vill write.
"Mine dear Fritz,--Since Von Tirp has gone oudt, Dere"s no von around here I can trust, So I vant you to dell me, old scoudt, Vill it pe de vorld power, or bust?
Ven ve licked de Russ, English und French, Den de Dago und Portugee came, Seems de deeper ve dig in de trench De more fellers get into de game.
Mine beeg armies dey soon melt avay, Like von shnow pank goes down mit de sun, Ve keep losing more men efry day, Und dose bapers say, "notting vas done,"
Dose new zeppelin ships vas a fake, Shoost de fraus und de kiddies dey get, Und de unterseebootens ve make, Like de fish dey get caught mit de net.
Soon our foes take de skin mit de fleece, So I vant you to hear vot dey say: If deir talk seems to listen like peace, Den you send me de vord right avay.
Yaw, mine Fritz, you must dell me some tings, Shoost so soon you get on to deir track, Und de feller mine letter dat prings, Vill already your answer dake back."
FRITZ ADVISES THE KAISER
Mine dear Kaiser,--I"m telling you straight, Dat ve nefer can vin dis beeg fight, Dough de Faderland armies vas great, Dere is udders dat"s greater, all right, Shoost you make de goot beace britty soon, Right avay, or you notting haf got; Ven you sups mit de teufel, de spoon Vill already, somedimes get too hot.
Shoost cut oudt dat beeg strafe dat you make, Ven you can"t mit dose Englishmans pull, Und you say it vas all a mistake, For you lufs your dear cousin, John Bull.
Den you cheat dose fool English some more, Like for forty long years ve haf done: Dey"ll forget den dose treaties ve tore, Und no more vill dey call us de Hun.
You can fix tings quite easy mit France, Shoost you gif up de Alsace-Loraine, Den venefer ve see de goot chance Ve vill march in and take dem again; Den dere"s Russia and Serbia too, Vill vant pay for de men dat ve kill; Now I tells you de ting dat you do You say Austria vill settle deir bill.
Dere"s no trouble vill come from de Yanks, Since ve mix dem in Mexico up; Ven a feller get bit vonce, no tanks!
He von"t fool any more mit de pup; For de Belgians some tings must be done; So shoost bromise de monies to pay, Till ve get back dose blace in de sun, Den ve vink, und ve say, "nix furshtay."
FRITZ ADMITS IGNORANCE
Dis old vorld is von uncertain blace, Dere is so many tings ve don"t know, Ven ve shtart oudt to travel de pace, Ve can"t tell shoost how far ve vill go, Ve don"t know, from de vay a man valks, How mooch money dat feller may get, Und dose chaps mit de very smooth talks May haf schemes in deir heads maype yet.
Ven some leetle birds shtand on a shtump, Ve don"t know yet de first von to fly; Ve can"t tell, from de paint on de pump, Shoost how soon de old vell vill run dry; Ve don"t know vy de gra.s.s is so green, Nor vy all plue roses grow red, How de pod get ouside of de bean, Und de cabbages get de shwelled head.
Ve don"t know, ven de veather is dry, Britty soon if ve get some more rains, Vy dere"s many a goot-looking guy In his head dat don"t haf any brains; Vy de plack card vill alvays come thrump, Ven a handful of red vons ve hold, Nor how far can von leedle flea yump Nor vy mud-turtles nefer get old.
In dose car, ven ve go for a ride, Ve can"t tell ven dere"s someting vill bust, Und ourselves ve so often haf lied, Ve don"t know any feller to trust; Ve can"t tell yet de end of dis schrap, Ve may get, ven de fighting is done, Some varm country, not marked on de map Dat"s more hot dan a blace in de sun.