It wasa shopping mall that filled one with déjà vu the firsttime one visited it, yet existed nowhere. It was nothing more than acounterfeit.
"Kou."
There was only one person who called me bythat nickname.
"Masato."
Masato Yahara. His hair was dyed blonde, hislooks were handsome enough that it wouldn"t be strange for him to be a memberof an idol group, and he was my only friend in the world.
But his body was fading away, alreadyhalf-gone.
"...Sorry."
"What"re you apologizing for?"
"I couldn"t take revenge in your place. Icouldn"t save you."
Masato heaved a sigh with an amazed look onhis face.
"Isee you"re just as stupid as ever, Kou. When the h.e.l.l did I ask you todo something like that? For that matter, does it even look like that"s what Iwant?"
"...Well,I guess you don"t."
Masatohad never forced or pressed me into doing anything. He never wanted to getdeeply involved with anyone.
"I"malready dead. I can"t even talk any more. Even the "me" that"s here nowis just something you thought up. All that"s goin" on right now is a one-manventriloquist show."
"Aone-man show, huh… If that"s true, at least the script"s well-written."
It wasdifficult to imagine that his sarcastic quips had all come from my own head. TheMasato inside my head was clearly able to do and think things that my real selfnever would.
"Inyour dreams, you sometimes see s.h.i.t that you"d never be able to think up whenyou"re awake, right? People just have that kind of latent power. And Kou, you mightjust be an expert when it comes to that stuff. Most people can"t even begin tounderstand other people"s world. They try their best, and all they"re able todo is misinterpret them as something completely different. But you had thecapacity to reproduce me like this. And when you"re playing my part, you"repractically a changed man, free from all of your normal stupidity."
"You"rejust as harsh as always, I see…"
Masatolaughed cynically in response. He gave off a very Masato-like smile, one fullof resignation.
"You"vealready mourned for me plenty."
Mourn.
Ihadn"t even realized that that was what I was doing at the time.
But…Ahh… It fit perfectly. I simply wanted, in my own way, to mourn the loss of myone and only friend. I didn"t want to forget about him, and I didn"t want tolet everyone else forget about him either.
"Kou,what do you see when you look up at the moon?"
Masatoasked me the same question he had that night in the park.
"Do youstill just see the craters as craters?"
Ithought for a moment. Craters were craters. That hadn"t changed.
"Well…it"s a little different than before."
Hisinterest piqued, Masato raised an eyebrow.
"Ifsomeone tells me they see a rabbit pounding mochi, I can too. If someone tellsme they see a monster baring its fangs, I can too. Before, I couldn"t seeanything, but now I feel like I can see anything. I feel like I can turnit into anything. Well, maybe… Maybe that"s not any different than before,but—"
"That"scompletely different, ain"t it?"
ButMasato didn"t seem to feel like elaborating.
"But Iguess this is goodbye, then."
As hesaid that, Masato began fading away even more. His very existence was fading.
As Icontinued on in life, I would never forget about Masato. But I could no longerbecome him. As he waned little by little, as he separated from the center of myheart, he settled like dust beneath the bulk of my memories.
I wouldnever be able to retrieve him that way again.
"—Masato!"
Icalled out to him, stopping him as he was about to fade along with thecounterfeit shopping mall.
"Oh,what is it?"
"Masato…Masato, are you—"
I hadto ask him, just this once.
"Areyou glad that you were born?"
At thesight of my no-doubt frantic expression, Masato gave an exasperated but nodoubt secretly pleased smile.
"Nolisten here, you… If you wanted to ask that, you shoulda done it when Iwas alive. I just f.u.c.kin" explained how everything that comes out of mymouth is just part of the script you wrote. ...Are you fine asking me that,even so?"
Inodded.
But Ialready knew his answer. Masato"s ultramarine closed world festered, rejectingthe light. If a meddlesome heart had sprung up within me like it had in acertain someone, I probably would have tried to shine a light within thatultramarine.
ButMasato was dead. He was no longer capable of changing.
—Rattle,rattle. Rattle, rattle.
Havinglost all his color, the monochrome Masato replied with a bashful laugh.
"Noteven a tiny f.u.c.kin" bit."
—Goodbye,Masato.
—Ah,what a surprise it is to see you outside of school, Hiiragi. As you can see,Ririko is a literary girl who loves books. Hm? I"m reading the books fromreally far away, you say? Ayup. You see, Ririko can use scanning on books.Ririko can learn all the contents in an instant. That"s amazing, you say?Right? Come on, praise me, praise me! Hm? There"s something you wanted to askme, you say? Why, go ahead. ...The reason Ririko called out to you two backthen, huh? Ririko told you the first time we met, Ririko wanted to get tobecome good friends with Hiiragi. Why, you ask? Well that"s because Hiiragi iswhite, you see. ...Oh, and also, Ririko had a dream the day before that. In thedream, when Ririko called out to you two and scanned you, Hiiragi andTanihara"s friendship broke down. Then, Tanihara became emotionally unstableand killed Akiyama, see. Tanihara turned himself, and Kouzuki broke up withHiiragi because all he could think about was Tanihara, so Hiiragi was allalone. He gradually became pure white. He was like a fresh snow in the middleof the forest, and it was really pretty. Then, the pure white Hiiragi andRiriko became really good friends. Hiiragi understood Ririko even better thanbefore, and they went beep bibibi and stuff together. Ririko already knew fromthe scanning, but you"re a virgin, right? Did you know that s.e.x feels reallygood? You see, Ririko knows just how to make men feel good, so in the dream Hiiragibecame Ririko"s captive. He was all over her, you know, and he would dowhatever Ririko said. ...Kusukusu… By the way, you know how adult men alwaysact really really self-important around girls like Ririko? But when you takeoff their veneers, they"re actually as funny as clowns. You know the red lumpsrunning through their brains, well, if you fiddle with them right, you can makethem dance ecstatically in pleasure. Isn"t that funny? There are even somepeople who can"t come back from the pleasure. ...Huh? You want to know ifRiriko"s dream was prophetic? Yeah, most of them are. It"s actually reallyweird how the dream wasn"t right this time. I wonder why that was? Was itKouzuki"s fault, maybe? She meddles with Hiiragi too much. ...Huh? Aren"tRiriko"s prophetic dreams just the result of her drawing unconsciousconclusions from her powers of memory and a.n.a.lytic ability, you say? ...Ririkodoesn"t understand complicated stuff like that, even if you explain it. Ririkojust wanted to become good friends with Hiiragi. That was all; nothing else wasreally important. Hm? Ririko"s a mean person, you say? Why? And anyways,everyone else are the mean ones, right? Everyone treats Ririko so rudely. Andeven Hiiragi used Ririko as a tool, right? Ririko has at least enoughself-awareness to know that. So really, Ririko is the one who should be pitied,no? ...Ah, Hiiragi doesn"t have to show Ririko any sympathy, and we don"t needto become good friends any more. You see, Ririko isn"t interested in Hiiragiany more. He kind of became too normal. But, but, Ririko will come help youwhenever you need her to, Hiiragi. Ririko can even teach you about pleasure.Isn"t Ririko nice? She"s nice, isn"t she? Ehehe, thanks.
—Byebye, then.
Afterbeing arrested for the crimes of killing his cla.s.smate Masato Yahara andabandoning the body, Shuuichi Akiyama stopped attending school through thebeginning of summer break.
ShihoSudou was prosecuted for the involuntary manslaughter of Ryuusuke Yamazaki. Thedefense argued that it was legitimate self-defense. I had already met with herlawyer and promised to testify on her behalf if it became necessary.
Itwould have been completely natural for her to hold a grudge against me after Isent Ririko Matsumi after her to scan her and break her spirit. But when I wentto visit her at the detention center, she actually thanked me for mycooperation. Even fact, she even seemed happy. The reason for her improvedoutlook was that apparently this incident had inspired her family to get theiract together for her sake. Adversity builds character… but there was quite abit of adversity, so it remains to be seen what character will be built out ofit. But if nothing else, after the way I had used her, I wanted to do whateverI could to help her.
On theother hand, and you couldn"t really blame him, Akiyama refused to meet me.Apparently he had quite the breakdown, and could barely even speak.Occasionally the detention center would be filled with his terrified moans. Nodoubt he was still being tormented by visions of Masato.
Did Istill resent him for killing Masato?
AlthoughI gave that question a bit of thought, I wasn"t totally sure. Although killinghim was a bit much, I couldn"t deny that Akiyama had been acting in legitimateself-defense. If not for Masato, Akiyama probably could have lived out the restof his life as nothing more than an obstinate honors student. In a way, he toowas a victim. But even though I knew that logically, the unpleasant feeling inmy heart refused to fade. Whether that feeling was hatred, rage, or somethingelse entirely, not even I knew.
Manysuch unidentifiable emotions whirled throughout my brain, existing as noise dueto my inability to govern them. Before, I would have just abandoned all mythoughts and emotions and returned to being perfectly even.
But Iwasn"t able to do that anymore.
In mynew, unstable state, Miki came to visit me almost every day and drag me out ofmy house. Arcades, karaoke boxes, bowling alleys, tennis courts, movietheaters, ramen shops, restaurants, cafés — I had spent years only going backand forth between home and school, so all of those ordinary, common places werenew and fresh to me. Amused by my innocent reactions, Miki eventually gotcarried away and took me somewhere unbelievable.
Okinawa.
I stoodcompletely still atop a pearly-white beach. I was speechless at how absurdlyclear the emerald ocean was.
When Ilooked at the blue sky melt into the ocean, I felt as though my day-to-day lifewas fusing with something powerful and mysterious. I felt as if I was no longerjust myself. Like the odd pleasure you get from peeling off a scab, being herefelt like it had freed me from the constraints of my emotions.
My eyeswere no doubt wide as I stared at the ocean, and Miki slapped my shoulderplayfully. Her terrycloth hoodie, combined with the the healthy pair of legsextending from her swimsuit bottom, gave off the impression of a model on herway to a photo shoot. Perhaps because it wasn"t particularly well-known, orperhaps because summer vacation hadn"t started yet, the beach was only spa.r.s.elypopulated. But even so, I could tell Miki was turning the heads of both men andwomen alike. Apparently being at the center of attention like this was normalfor her, as she seemed wholly unconcerned.
InMiki"s world, no doubt being liked and desired by others was normal. It wascompletely different from my world, in which most people ignored me.
Mikitook her hair, which was a bit longer than it had been when we"d met, andbundled it up with the scrunchie she"d been holding.
It wasthe first time I"d see Miki in a ponytail in a while.
"Youknow, I think it looks better that way."
Miki"scheeks reddened.
"...Myfather is right over there, and you"re hitting on me?"
"Thatwasn"t my intention…"
"Myheart skipped a beat, you know."
Mikistroked her tied-up hair meaningfully.
"By theway, when were you going to take this off for me?"
I heldup my left arm.
The redhair band, which even now I couldn"t remove of my own volition, still restedthere.
"Oh,you should just wear it the rest of your life."
"I feellike it"ll get all moldy and scratchy at times like this if I do… Miki, didn"tyou say you were going to stop believing in magic?"
Mikihad more or less stopped talking about magic all the time. But recently, I hadbeen suspecting that she might be a genuine magus after all.
In theend, she had altered the destinies of a number of people. And she was liable tokeep doing so going forward.
And ontop of that — that kiss.
Mikihad said that wasn"t magic, but I was pretty sure she was lying.
Afterall, I hadn"t been able to stay away from her since then. When we were apart,my chest hurt, proving that I was still under her control even when we weren"ttogether.
Whatcould that be, other than magic?
Butthat was probably all nonsense. If she herself said it wasn"t magic, and shetruly believed that, then I guess it wasn"t magic. My becoming like this wastoo just a pleasant notion I had constructed.
Buteven so, there was still something that plagued my mind.
Even ifwe were together nearly every day, Miki was still another person. Everythingabout our value systems was different. No matter how well I got to know Miki,there would still be countless things I didn"t know about her. Even today, whenI saw the clear emerald ocean, when I learned of a whole new world, even thoughmy own world expanded and light flooded in, it still didn"t intersect Miki"sworld. Just because the range that I could travel expanded didn"t mean I couldever reach there.
Ourworlds, without exception, weren"t open to anyone.
Thatwas the same no matter whether I was dealing with Miki or with Masato.
Thesound of chains. Although I could hear that sound when I was playing the partof Masato, I still couldn"t say that I knew what it meant. Masato went on aboutchains a number of times, and when Matsumi-senpai scanned him she said that hewas afflicted with auditory hallucinations. That was probably where I firstconceived of it.
But Ino longer had any way of knowing if the real Masato heard the sound of chainsor not.
And, evenif he had heard the sound of chains, it wouldn"t matter. The sound of chainswasn"t real. All that had been there was the Masato I came up with.
Wheneverwe interact with someone we come up with a version of them formed from our ownego, and all we can interact with is that version of them.
"Kouta,you"re getting all quiet and serious on me. Penny for your thought? ...Ah, Iknow. You wanna see what"s underneath this hoodie! Well, fine, I suppose if youwant to see it that badly then it can"t be helped!"
Aftersaying something presumptuous, Miki vigorously stripped. Her slender waist,which looked like it would snap if you hugged her too hard, and her cute,oblong navel came into full view. Her bikini top concealed a pair ofsoft-looking bulges. And even though her ribs stood out, she had some good skinon her bones.
Aplayful grin danced across her lips.
"Aha,did arouse you a bit? Did it?"
I"ll beblunt.
d.a.m.n. Iwouldn"t have taken Miki for the type to look skinnier dressed…
Surprisedat my own vulgar thoughts, I lost my presence of mind and couldn"t answer her.Or rather… This was the first time in my life I"d ever been aroused by aflesh-and-blood girl. Ahh… Ooh… Miki, you"re amazing.
BeforeI noticed, Miki had responded to my unexpected wonderment by retracting herplayful grin, replacing it with a bashful expression and readorning her hoodie.
"...Excuseme, just because my father"s over there doesn"t mean you can get all pervy onme. ...Don"t look at me! I said don"t look!"
She wasred to the tips of her ears.
Eventhough she"s the one who showed me…
"Andwhose fault is that?"
"...Well,uh, it"s because I was enticing you… Wait, wait, wait, that"s not it! Don"t goblaming this on others! It"s because you"re a perv! You coaxed me into it!"
"Miki,you really don"t understand how attractive you are, do you…"
"Andnow you"re hitting on me again! And it"s working! I can"t stand this! Daaaad!Dad, heeelp! There"s a beast disguised as a saint over here!"
Afterthat exchange, we went back to our normal high spirits and headed for thewater"s edge. We both stuck our feet in the ocean, taking in the sensation oflukewarm waves tickling at our feet.
"Youknow, this is my first time seeing the ocean."
"Oh,really?"
"It"salso my first time leaving the Kantou region, actually."
"...Youreally did live in a closed world, didn"t you, Kouta."
Thatwas the way it had to be. I couldn"t possess my own will or hopes.
Atleast, not before I met Miki.
I gazedat the horizon. The clear sea sparkled under the sun"s aggressive glare,connecting the world together. Somewhere it would become ice, somewhere it wasfilled with garbage, somewhere it was steeped in blood. The same waves thatlapped gently at my feet could at times swallow people to their doom.
Why wasit, I wondered?
I wascrying. The tears wouldn"t stop.
Buteven seeing me like that, Miki didn"t draw back. She just squeezed my leftwrist, the same wrist that was bound by the red hair band.
Shethen gave me a wide smile, with the corners of her mouth fully upturned. Asmile clearer than the ocean, so attractive it was almost devilish.
"Itwould be nice if this day could last forever."
To behonest, I disagreed. From here on out we would continue to grow, and ourfeelings would change. I wanted Miki to be free. I wanted her to shine. Ididn"t want her to be chained down by the emotions of this moment. I didn"twant her to be chained down like me.
Butright now, I knew what Miki wanted me to say. Or rather, I knew what her smilewas practically forcing me to say.
Ahh, Isee—
Wedon"t open anywhere.
Butthis level of mutual understanding was possible.
It wassomething pleasant, no doubt, something that if understood might lead to truehappiness.
"You"reright, it would be nice if this day could last forever."
And themoment the words left my mouth, only for a moment, I wished for eternity fromthe bottom of my heart.
Fin.