After Kouta left, I simply laid on my bed in adaze for a while. The sun had long since set by the time I finally began movingagain and turned to the mirror on my desk to put up my unfastened hair. But Icouldn"t will myself to do it. The red hair band I had used for for so longfelt like it contained half of my self — well, that was an exaggeration, but itdefinitely felt like it had been part of me. That was why it had been sosteeped in my magic. Kouta wasn"t the only one under its influence; it had alsodrained my desire to replace it.
Idecided to give up on the ponytail and leave my hair like this for a while.
Collapsingonto my bed again, I ruminated on what Kouta had said to me.
I have to wonder, why do youspend so much time confirming my feelings without voicing your own even once?
Hisexpression had been the same as always, and his voice had been gentle, but hehad clearly been reproaching me. It was the first time he had done so.
He"ll just come tohold you in contempt, and that"ll be that. Later.
Yaharahad been right after all.
I"m amagus.
Thatmay not be the most accurate way to put it. But I do actually have a specialpower, and I call it magic.
Upuntil I turned ten, I never displayed any external emotions. I was extremelyshy, never opening my heart up to anyone. By the time I was old enough torealize what was going on, my parents had fallen out of love and foughtfrequently enough that we even got complaints from the next neighborhood over.They began living separately when I was eight, and they got divorced when I wasnine. I was an only child, so I didn"t have any siblings that could intervene.Back then, the atmosphere in our family always felt like someone had run a fineknife through it.
Althoughthey were never physically abusive before the divorce, when my mother was in abad mood she would often treat me like I wasn"t there. Even if I cried, shewouldn"t pay any attention to me. As this went on, I eventually stopped cryingaltogether, along with laughing. And I didn"t just stop expressing emotions, Ibecame numb and stopped feeling them altogether. My unnecessary functions weredeteriorating.
As youwould expect, none of my cla.s.smates wanted to get close to someone like that,so I was alone at school as well. I didn"t talk to anyone at school, nor did Iat home. That was how I spent my days.
It waslike I was invisible. In j.a.panese cla.s.s, I wrote poems along those lines aswell. When I did, my homeroom teacher would give their unaffected impressions,usually something along the lines of "What an interesting perspective."...Notice my cries for help already. Or had they noticed, but ignored themafter deeming them too much of a bother?
n.o.bodycame to my rescue. The only reason I was saved was because I didn"t give up inspite of that. I longed for the warmth of others, I yearned for it, and thattenacity was what eventually saved me.
—Ifonly I could use magic.
Ialways fantasized about that. If only I could use magic to get along withanyone and everyone. If I could use that kind of magic, my parents could getback together, and I could laugh along with my friends. Those were kinds ofridiculous delusions I entertained.
Butthen one day, magic suddenly stopped being a mere delusion.
AlthoughI had noone to talk to, I was always enviously watching my cla.s.smates"interactions. Now that I look back at it, I was watching them with an aberrantlevel of concentration.
As anoutsider, I calmly observed their interactions. I scanned the patterns of theirconversations, unconsciously acc.u.mulating data.
Andonce I did, I began to understand the regularities therein. What kind of personwhat do what kinds of things to which other people, and how would those peoplereact? Ahh, sudden awakenings truly do happen. As if I had learned a newlanguage, the way I saw the world shifted.
Havingunderstood the regularities behind communication, I immediately put thisknowledge to the test. It took courage to move forward, but my hundreds ofsimulations gave me confidence.
And theresult was — people responded exactly as I expected.
It feltgood beyond words.
Ichanged myself through force. My emotions were still weak, but that actuallyworked in my favor. If I didn"t feel anything, then no matter what part I hadto play it wouldn"t adversely affect me. I was at a little bit of a loss as towhat to use for my baseline personality, but I found being a cheerful airheadto be the most convenient so I eventually settled on that. I was also aware ofmy looks, and took full advantage of them. Personality isn"t a single thing,it"s incident to one"s outwards appearance. This can be observed particularlystrongly when guys are looking at girls. And the same manner of communicationleaves a different impression on each recipient. There are words that can onlybe said and taboos that can only be broken in certain contexts. I steeled myintuition, put that theory into words, and changed it into something I couldcontrol.
Althoughmy good cheer was initially an act, it eventually took root in my personality.In much the same way, my lost emotions initially felt like they were driftinggently in the air above me but eventually became the real thing.
My daysbecame startlingly resplendent, and I was replete.
In mygreed, I desired even more bliss. I decided to use my powers not just to changemyself, but to influence those around me as well.
Inretrospect, I was basically cheating by using it against adolescent girls whoseegos hadn"t fully developed. My "communication" bordered on brainwashing.
Uponaccepted my interference and my value system, it became easier for me tocontrol someone. In middle school, I had a friend (or so she was perceived bythose around us) named Youko who I knew so well I could basically control. Shebecame an ent.i.ty dedicated to my convenience, as if she lived solely for mysake.
I referto people like her as having taken on my attribute.By using the informationunder my control, I can even manipulate them subconsciously. If I recite anincantation, they"ll go so far as to become my swords and shields.
That"swhy I call it magic.
Butever since that incident, my magic had been getting cloudier. The incidentinvolving a ceremony I couldn"t tell Kouta about.
AlthoughI didn"t realize it at the time, it was an experiment.
I metthis girl — I don"t know her name, so I"ll call her A — over the internet. Iknew from her profile that she was interested in magic, so I took action. Afterexchanging LINE IDs with A, we immediately hit it off and began chatting nearlyevery day.
I hadalready experienced someone taking on my attribute at school. The next step wasto find out how much control I could exert over a person, how much magic Icould use, that I had only ever interacted with online. That was how greedy Iwas when it came to interpersonal relationships.
But theexperiment ended in failure.
I hadplanned on controlling her by introducing her to my value system and sharing mymagical delusions with her. But because I couldn"t meet her in person, smallmisalignments were born. My magic was imperfect.
Oneday, A invited me to a magical ceremony. While all this was going on, I wasstudying for high school entrance exams, and I declined her invitation becauseI had a test coming up. But perhaps the true reason I turned her down was becauseI sensed that her delusions were magnifying past the point of no return andbecoming dangerous.
Afterconducting the ceremony on her own, something about A clearly seemed off. HerLINE messages became increasingly unintelligible, and when I expressed myconfusion she became irritated, angry, disappointed, and ultimately ended upblocking me. Her social media profiles became full of citations in a languageonly she understood.
Thenshe stopped updating her social media altogether.
Worriedabout her, I took the train three hours to visit the middle school she went to.There, I soon discovered what had happened to her.
A hadkilled herself.
For thefirst time. For the first time, I began having misgivings about my magic. I hadbeen manipulating people so casually, but was that really something sopermissible? Wasn"t it wrong to change people like this? If I hadn"t beenaround, wouldn"t A still be alive?
Hesitationslike that gradually chipped away at my magic. Magic became more powerful whenyou accepted it blindly, and weaker when you doubted it. No longer certain thatI was in the right, I refrained from using magic and called myself a magus toanyone who would listen, only interacting with people who would approach me inspite of that.
Butthen I found out about Kouta Hiiragi.
Hecaught my attention from the moment I first laid eyes on him. As I watched himmerge seamlessly into his environment, nearly transparent, I thought that hereminded me of mineral water.
Even ifI was restraining myself from using magic, Kouta alone I couldn"t overlook. Hewas simply in too much danger. I don"t know how he looked to everyone else, butto me he looked like he was strolling down the streets of Johannesburg withrolls of banknotes pasted all over him.
I hadto protect him!
I wasovercome with a strong sense of duty. I willing to do whatever it took toprotect him. It was so strong, I didn"t even mind if I had to offer him mychast.i.ty.
Buttaking a step back now and reconsidering, why had I been so fervent?
Once Igot my thoughts in order, the cause became clear. After driving A to her death,I had likely been trying to atone. And Kouta had been a suitable individual. Bysaving Kouta, I could reaffirm both myself and my magic.
It wasall for my own sake.
It wasfor my own ego.
I waswell aware. I used my magic to manipulate others. But the one most stronglymanipulated by magic was me. Even my personality had been created to suitmagic"s needs. My very emotions turned according to magic"s convenience.
So Ididn"t know any more.
Wheredid my true feelings lie?
"Seeyou later, Kouta."
Icalled out to Kouta from the hallway after school, then returned to my owncla.s.sroom.
After Ikissed Kouta, I couldn"t figure out how close we were. It wasn"t even clearwhether or not we had broken up. I didn"t know if it was okay to walk hometogether with him, either.
On theother hand, it also wasn"t like he had completely cut off contact with me. Noconclusion seemed forthcoming, and I put off reaching for one.
Assomeone who habitually made decisions quickly, this was a first for me.
"Say,Miki, did you by any chance break up with that guy from next door?"
Sayuriasked concernedly, wearing her trademark short skirt. I simply satuncomfortably, which she mistook for an affirmation and pounded on my back.
"Well,I dunno who dumped who, but with your looks I"m sure you"ll have plenty of muchbetter guys pounding at your door!"
"Ithink Kouta"s pretty good-looking, myself..."
Thatwas my honest evaluation.
"Oh, noway. He"s totally normal. Bland. No personality. Below-average. And for him tobreak up with you so quickly, he must be a pretty s.h.i.tty person. He"s worsethan trash. I mean, that background character doesn"t even compare to someonelike Makino."
"Idon"t even know Makino. And besides, Kouta and I didn"t break up. I think...probably..."
Irealized my mistake the moment the words left my mouth. I"d said something thatthe love story-crazed Sayuri would be sure to latch on to.
"What"sup with you two!? Now you have to tell me everything! That"s it, how about youtell your favorite love expert the details?"
I mean,as far as I knew she had only ever dated one person, and she was still avirgin... No, there was no need to bring that up. Sayuri was always center ofattention in our cla.s.s, so she needed to be perceived as experienced in theways of love. I shouldn"t say anything to shatter that image of hers.
I endedup attracting the interest of not just Sayuri, but most of the girls in cla.s.s,so the whole matter took a good deal more time to resolve than I had expected.I was on edge because I didn"t want any strange rumors spreading around, and bythe end of it all I was dead tired.
By thetime I pa.s.sed through the school gate, the sun had already almost set.
I hadbeen hanging my head in exhaustion my entire way out, so it was by sheercoincidence that I lifted my head when I did and saw what I saw.
Koutawas with a girl from another school.
Theaging coffee shop they went to was near the school, but drinks there wereexpensive and it wasn"t particularly stylish. Perhaps the conversations aboutromance I had been embroiled in were to blame for the fact that "affair" wasthe first word that sprung to my mind, and my face went bright pink.
Butsetting aside the prospect on affair, seeing the two of them side-by-side gaveme an ominous premonition. And the girl was clearly being possessed by somemanner of evil magic. It was hard to anything good coming of her interactingwith Kouta as he was now.
But mylegs simply trembled, refusing to take me to the coffee shop. No matter howmuch faith I had in my premonition, the courage to get involved refused to wellforth.
Vexedat my own powerlessness, my eyes welled up with tears. What I really wanted todo was storm into that coffee shop this instant and protect Kouta fromeverything that might harm him.
Whatwas so wrong about that?
Thenext day, Kouta had clearly undergone some manner of transformation.
Yaharawas slowly corroding away at him. But a dead man"s magic can"t exert any newinfluence, so I hadn"t been treating it as an emergency.
But Ihad been mistaken. Yahara"s magic was stronger than I had imagined. And moreimportantly, its target had been Kouta, whose magic resistance was zero.
Koutawas completely submerged in the sorcery that was born from the ritual of hisdeath.
Whatshould I do? Kouta had already lost his confidence in me, so now that the issuehad progressed this far it was difficult to imagine him listening to what I hadto say. On the other hand, was it really for the best that I just leave him be?Would any actions I took to save him here simply be to fuel my own ego?
"Youseem down again today, Miki. Probably have your head all full of thatgood-for-nothing guy Kouta, right?"
Sayuri"squip came in an intentionally-bright tone. When I met her eyes and gave a smallnod, she sighed exaggeratedly.
"...Say.You haven"t properly dumped him, and you haven"t been properly dumped, am Iright? ...And, um, as an aside, I find Kouta"s worth as a guy to be deeply…deeply! Very deeply! Suspect! ...Suspect, but…"
Shecontinued with a wry grin.
"If youlike him so much, wouldn"t it best if you tried really hard to make up withhim?"
"Eh?"
Likehim?
I likedKouta?
"Youknow, I feel like I have a pretty good grasp on your whole situation-thing overthere. Like, why things between you two keep getting so complicated. ...Say,Miki, you"ve never liked anyone before, right? This is just me guessing,but Kouta asked you out, and even though it was Kouta you didn"t hate the ideaso you just kinda went along with it. Then, when he wanted to move therelationship along, your feelings still hadn"t caught up and you got allwishy-washy… and then he got all p.i.s.sy, am I on the right track?"
I wasimpressed. There were a number of details she got wrong, but she had seenthrough to the essentials.
"Youprobably don"t understand your feelings yourself, huh, Miki. But see, usingMakino as an example, you"ve rejected a bunch of guys before, right? But theonly one you"ve gone out with is Kouta. That"s a pretty big jump, don"t youthink? So I"m like, what if you just don"t know what it means to like someone?"
"...Idon"t have any personal experience, but I think I have a pretty good idea frombooks and stuff. When you like someone, stuff like your chest getting tight,not being able to swallow when you"re eating, and being blind happen, right?But nothing like that"s happened to me. So I thought my feelings were somethingelse…"
"Y"know,Miki, you"re really good at picking up on people"s true natures, right? Like,creepily good."
I wasstartled at having that so suddenly pointed out. I didn"t think Sayuri had seenthrough me to that extent.
"Miki,the kind of like you"re talking about is probably just when you haveillusions about the other party. Like, when you have an idealized version ofsomeone in your head and you fall in love with that version. But when thathappens, you"re not really looking at the real them. You"re just in love withthe idea of being in love. But because you pick up on people"s true natures soeasily, you don"t harbor illusions like that. I guess that makes you kind of arealist?"
"Doesthat mean I can"t fall in love?"
Thecreation of my very personality and emotions had been manipulated by magic. Itcouldn"t be helped if such impediments arose.
ButSayuri just shook her head.
"No,no, no. That kind of love is no more than kid"s play. It"s an egotistical,conceited kind of love. Even a love expert like myself had a phase like that.But every dreamer has to graduate from loving the idea of being in love. Thatkind of violent love never lasts long. But I think that even without thoseviolent emotions, if you"re always, always always, thinking about that someone,then that"s already love in and of itself."
Iunderstood the words coming out of her mouth, but I couldn"t make them feelreal.
Sobasically, I was already in love with Kouta?
"That"s…"
"Actually,maybe it doesn"t have to be that complicated? Falling in love is something youcan only do if you want to. You couldn"t do it because you weren"t preparedyet. Does that make sense?"
"I"mreally not sure it does…"
Sayuritook on a voice like she was gently teaching a child who was doing poorly inschool.
"Okay,then let"s stop thinking about it all jumbled-up like that. Let"s just confirmsomething. Miki, what is it that you want to do for him?"
"That"s—"
Itimmediately came to mind.
Iwanted to make him happy. I wanted to protect him from evil magi.
"Do youthink about anyone else in the same way? Could you do the same things forthem?"
Koutawas the only person I so desperately wanted to save. But that was because hewas a special, transparent kind of person. It was because he didn"t have anymagic resistance. ...Or so I had thought.
"Justdo what you want to. Even if you end up being a bit of a nuisance, you"re cuteenough that anyone would let you get away with it!"
"But…"
"Nobuts! Ahh, all this tedious blathering is so unlike you! Once the Miki I know hasher mind set on something, she goes and does it! Where"d that a.s.sertiveness ofyour go?"
"T...that"s…"
"Ahh, Ican"t hear you. Until Miki gets moving, I"m not talking to her anymore! That"sit, I"m done! I"m done being friends with her!"
Sayurireally was meddlesome, I thought, as she pushed me forward repeatedly afterarbitrarily deciding that I was in love. But thanks to her fervent speech, Iwas finally sure of my feelings.
—Nomatter what, I couldn"t leave Kouta be like this!
Thatmuch I felt certain of. Whether or not it was my ego speaking, those were mytrue feelings.
Sorry,Kouta.
I can"tignore these feelings of mine. No matter what!
As soonas break rolled around, I immediately headed for the next-door cla.s.sroom. I hadnothing even resembling a plan, but my magic should still have some efficacy.If I just talked with him face-to-face, I was sure I could come up with a wayto save him!
Isurveyed the cla.s.sroom, but Kouta was nowhere to be seen.
Whatshould I do? Should I wait for him…? Or should I go back after all…?
"Kouzuki.May I have a moment?"
As Ihesitated, a skinny man in gla.s.ses called out to me. Though his gla.s.ses hidthem somewhat, dark shades stood in sharp contrast on his face. Although we"dnever spoken before, I knew him as the cla.s.s representative who alwaysinstructed the cla.s.s to take their seats in the mornings.
"Itseems that you often visit our cla.s.sroom with Hiiragi in mind. What I wouldlike to inquire is, are you in fact his girlfriend?"
Hishypocritical courtesy and peculiar manner of speaking where he didn"t allow hisfacial muscles to move made me wary. I was a magus, so he couldn"t fool me.
—Thisperson was bad news.
Howcould I have not noticed such a blatantly evil person before? If he had alwaysbeen this bad, I should have noticed his peculiarity like I did with Yahara andMatsumi-senpai and been on guard.
Had Isimply overlooked him? ...Or perhaps, had he only recently become this way?
"Iwould appreciate it if you would answer my question."
In mybrooding I had completely forgotten to give an answer. As confused as I was, Itried to give as innocuous an answer as possible.
"Um,I"d say we"re really good friends… or something like that."
"Isthat so? However, would you not say that you harbor affection for him as amember of the opposite s.e.x?"
Itseemed impolite to me to ask such an intrusive question to somebody in yourfirst proper conversation with them.
Hedidn"t seem timid in the slightest. But it seemed my displeasure made it acrossto him.
"Thatwas rude of me. What I"m trying to ask is, why Hiiragi? That about sums it up."
"Whatare you trying to say?"
"I"masking why it had to be him. He doesn"t have any particular talents, nor is heexceedingly attractive. Why are you so fixated on him, in spite of all that?"
Did hesimply have romance on the mind, like Sayuri? ...No, there"s no way, right?
Therewas clearly some other motive behind his question.
I triedto get get a read on what it was, but because it was my first time talking tohim I couldn"t get it from his expression alone.
I had athought.
—I hatethis person.
Thereason I tried to tear Yahara and Matsumi-senpai away from Kouta was simplybecause they were dangerous. But I didn"t want to spend time around this guyfor a simpler reason than that. I hated him.
"Idon"t really see how that has anything to do with you, and I don"t really feelany obligation to answer that."
"Isee."
Thebespectacled man didn"t see overly concerned.
"Can Igo now?"
"Ah, Iapologize for keeping you."
Iturned away from him as if I were fleeing.
"Ah, myapologies. May I ask you one last question?"
Nothiding my displeasure as I turned around, I asked "What?"
"Do youbelieve that it is possible, simply from seemingly normal conversation andbehaviour, to make others act according to one"s whim?"
Withoutthinking, my eyes widened.
—Couldthis guy know about magic?
Thebespectacled man gazed interestedly at my panicked demeanor.
"...Ithink… it"s possible…"
"I see.Now I understand."
Hespoke almost in a whisper. Then he laughed eerily, to the point that I wasn"tsure how concerned I needed to be.
My moodworsening, I gave up on waiting for Kouta and fled the cla.s.sroom.
Had heknown about magic, and was investigating it? No… that wasn"t the impression Igot. Then what in the world was he investigating?
Butthere was one thing I was certain of.
He toowas a bad influence on Kouta.
Thanksto my unpleasant encounter with the bespectacled man, I was somewhat fl.u.s.tered.My sense of duty was flaring up as well, telling me that I had to do somethingabout Kouta. All throughout cla.s.s I found myself unable to think of anythingelse.
Whenlunch break came, I finally found Kouta in his cla.s.sroom.
"Kouta!I, um… I have something I need to talk to you about!"
Kouta"sconfusion was plain on his face. I couldn"t blame him; through yesterday, I hadbeen respecting the distance we had placed between ourselves, and now I wasacting all a.s.sertive all of a sudden.
Aftersomehow convincing him, we made our way to the same courtyard as always.Between the lush trees and the increasingly-overgrown lawn, it seemed lesslikely than ever that we would be intruded upon.
"Whatwas it you wanted to talk about, Miki?"
"There"s,um, something I really wanted to tell you…"
Aphrase instantly sprung to mind.
Ilike you.
I wasalmost disappointed in myself. I was still being manipulated by magic. I knewthat if I confessed to him like this, he wouldn"t be able to turn me down,which is why I decided to do it in the first place. It was just like when Ikissed him.
Ahh…this was the first time I"ve ever resented magic.
But Istopped myself. I wanted to be sincere when I was with Kouta.
"I wantto release you from this magic that"s nesting inside you."
I knewthat if I was so stupidly honest, there was a chance I would be rejected. ButKouta would accept it. To the very end, he would never reject me.
I waspresumptuous.
Thislate in the game, I was still presumptuous.
"Justcut it out already."
So eventhough I should have been able to antic.i.p.ate his reb.u.t.tal, I couldn"t believeit.
"Miki,you"re full of yourself. You"re not even trying to understand how Ifeel. ...No, even if you understand how I feel, you"re still just tryingto shove your own ego down my throat. I thought you"d been reflecting onthat lately, but I guess I was wrong about that, huh."
"...I,I have! But even so, I want to save you!"
"I"mnot some tool you can use to reinforce your magic. And I"m not some petyou can use to stop being lonely, either."
"I knowthat… or I thought I did, at least. But… Kouta, you"re in a really bad wayright now! You"re getting stained in Yahara"s attribute, in a bad way, and it"sreally dangerous! So I need to use my magic to—"
"Magicis just,"
Hespoke with an exasperated look on his face.
"Anillusion. It"s all in your head."
Thatpurposeful method of pushing people aside, of hurting them, of keeping one"sdistance from them.
It waslike he really was—
"I holdyou in a bit of contempt now."
MasatoYahara, wasn"t he.
He"ll just comehold you in contempt, and that"ll be that. Later.
It turned out exactlylike he said it would.
Their speechpatterns, their appearances, their magic, everything was lining up.
"Later."
As if saying hedidn"t want to even look at me any more, Kouta turned around and walked off ina flash.
I was left alone inthe courtyard.
I was rejected?
—Right.I was rejected.
I wasrejected so thoroughly as to fall into despair.
"...That"sweird."
Mymagic existed just so I wouldn"t be rejected by others. My magic existed justso I could control others. Why so did this happen on account of my magic?
Why didthe person I least wanted to be rejected by, reject me?
"...Uw…"
Sadness?Loneliness? Heartbreak? I threw out all those negative emotions at the verybeginning. I thought the only emotions I had left were those that I couldmanipulate to my benefit. But then, what was this… They"re all still totallyhere.
"...Uwaa...Whaaaa…"
Tearswere something for me to manipulate others with. One of the convenient tools ata woman"s disposal. But although I had believed that, tears were streaming downmy face despite n.o.body else being around.
Whatwas going on… Get a grip already… Why was I crying?
"Uwaa,whaaaaaaa!"
Itwasn"t like I wanted to cry or anything!
Afterfleeing from the courtyard, I holed myself up in a stall in the girl"sbathroom. The bell for fifth period rang, but I couldn"t stop sobbing andsimply stayed put.
My mindwas in turmoil, but I tracked down the one calm part of myself and put it touse.
Even ifKouta ended up hating me, I wouldn"t suffer any lasting damage. If aninfluential girl like Sayuri started hating me it would likely affect the restof my interpersonal relationships as well, but Kouta didn"t belong to anysocial circles in particular. In fact, due to his relationship with Yahara hewas somewhat isolated.
Even ifKouta continued to be subsumed by Yahara, even if he pa.s.sed the point of noreturn, it wasn"t my fault. If I hadn"t been around in the first place, theonly thing that would have changed would have been him getting taken over byYahara"s magic even sooner. It was completely different than my friend who hadcommitted suicide.
Besides,why had I become so engrossed in Kouta in the first place?
I havethis power. And even if they weren"t to Kouta"s extent, I"ve seen plenty ofpeople in danger like he is. For example, that girl from another school thatKouta was with yesterday. But even knowing that, I never once thought to savethem. For better or for worse, I"ve been pretty cold since I discovered magic.
Why wasKouta alone so special?
Why wasI so willing to give him my first kiss, even though I would recoil at thethought of doing that with anyone else?
Why didit hurt this much to be rejected by him?
—Ahh,so that"s it.
I"m sostupid. It"s so simple. Anyone else would have realized it in an instant. OnlyI could have failed to see it.
I"vebeen violated.
Violatedby the most cliched magic imaginable.
Themagic of love.
"But…I"m too late…!"
Whyhadn"t I realized my feelings sooner? If I had been aware of how I felt, I"msure I could have come up with any number of ways to get him to like me. Therewould have been any number of ways.
Ihadn"t know what was driving me, so I hadn"t known how to manage it. It wasjust one failure after another.
Theinstant I realized what the true nature of my feelings was, the notion of"heartbreak" was born in my chest. It felt akin to the "loneliness" that hadtormented me in the past, but the two were hardly comparable. I was furious.Furious at my inability to control my own emotions.
But forsome reason, I felt happy as well.
I washappy that there was something that could move me to these lengths. Thankgoodness that my emotions weren"t truly dead. Thank goodness that some parts ofme were still human!
Ahh,who cares any more! Who cares that Kouta doesn"t have any magic resistance anymore! Who cares that he"s being possessed by Yahara any more!
As longas I can keep being with Kouta from now on, who cares any more!
Iwanted to devote myself to Kouta. I wanted to make him mine. I wanted to stainhim in my attribute. Ahh, my heart was awash with my own selfish ego. So awashwith selfishness I might even disappoint myself. But I couldn"t stop it!
Suddenly,the saying about how first loves are never fulfilled floated to my mind.
Thefirst time I heard those words, I laughed with scorn. I"m a magus; I cancontrol people without them even noticing it. If I were to ever fall in love,the thought of it ending in failure was laughable. I thought I"d just be ableto seduce whoever I fell for at a whim.
And nowlook at me! How pathetic I am! How conceited I was!
"Uwaaa,whaaaaaaaaaa!"
I"m sosad!
Howcould I miss this once-in-a-lifetime shot?
Icouldn"t just run home on account of having left my bag in the cla.s.sroom, so Itimed my return with the bell signalling the end of fifth period. My eyelidswere puffy and red, so I was immediately grilled by my cla.s.smates.
Aftermatter-of-factly tearing me away from the misfortune-starved horde, Sayuridragged me back to the bathroom. The two of us entered a stall. After making mesit on the toilet seat, she leaned against the door and folded her arms.
"Let meguess, that a.s.s Kouta dumped you, you finally realized that you"re in love withhim, and you"ve been crying alone on the toilet for the past hour, right?"
"...Yeah."
Aftermaking her promise not to repeat it to anyone, I told Sayuri everything. Theface staring back at me from the mirror earlier looked like death, and Sayuri"sresponse after looking closely at it was—
"Ahahaha!So that"s it! You"re a riot!"
—irreverentlaughter.
Whatwas I to do? I was on the verge of livid. I, the supposedly emotionlessheroine, had recalled not only how to get sad but also how to get angry.
"W...whatare you laughing at!? I"m having an unrequited love over here! I"m so sad I"mbawling my eyes out over here! What"s wrong with you, Sayuri!? What, you wantto go? Come on, let"s go!"
"Ahaha…Sorry, sorry! It"s just, you"re so innocent, Miki, it"s adorable…"
"Adorable!?I"ve had enough of this… I"m going to cast a spell on you that makes you unableto ever split your chopsticks cleanly…"
"I saidI"m sorry for laughing! ...But isn"t it too early to call your love unrequitedjust yet?"
Unsatisfied,I spoke in a low voice, my face still twisted in anger.
"Hesaid he held me in contempt, you know? Other than unrequited, what else couldit possibly be…"
"I"mtelling you, if he really didn"t want to go out with you any more, he wouldhave said it differently. It"s proof that he just wants you to betteryourself."
Was it?Wasn"t it a matter of course that n.o.body who was that disappointed in me wouldever want to go out with me?
"Youwere so unaware of your own feelings, all that the lucky guy you fell for heardfrom you was "I don"t really understand, but I want you to stay with me. I wantyou to put up with my selfishness. I want you to do as I say." And why do youthink he was willing to do all that for you?"
Afterhearing it put that way, I was all the more impressed at Kouta for putting upwith me for so long. It was no wonder he hated me now.
"...That"s,well, because Kouta is the kind of person who can"t reject anyone."
"Nope.It"s because he"s interested in you."
"What?"
Thatwas too far out of left field.
"Thisis just my intuition talking, but Miki, did you by any chance have a bunch ofmale friends in middle school? You know, doing you favors and stuff?"
"Idon"t know about favors, but I did have friends…"
As longas I had my magic, such a feat was simple. I had put a lot of effort intogetting people under my control, male and female alike. I had long thought thatmy ability to do so was my one redeeming quality.
"Youknow, those guys were probably all into you!"
"Ehh…?Your logic"s getting a little shaky…"
"Youreally are blind to your whole s.e.x appeal, aren"t you. I can definitelytell that you didn"t put much thought into romance up until now. Hmm… a quiz,then. What would you say is the kind of girl that guys are the most likely tofall for?"
"Huh?Umm… Someone who"s cute, mature, and respectful… and maybe good at cooking? Andlong hair is probably better. Anyways, that sort of girly girl, right? I don"treally fit the type, you know."
"Well,a girly girl like that"ll be a hit with the guys for sure. But that"s not it.That type"ll be popular, but not the most popular. The mostpopular type is gonna be the type of girl whose looks are only so-so, is easyto talk to, who they can be themselves around, and who looks like they"rehaving a good time when they"re chatting. Other than the bit about the looks,it"s a description that fits you to a T."
"You"renot just saying stuff to cheer me up, are you?"
"I"m asserious as can be. Girls are pretty much the same way, but guys don"t really gofor girl who are out of their league. They fall for girls that they feel likethey have a shot with. And you"re kind of a natural at provoking guys that way,Miki. You try so hard to make sure the people you interact with are having fun,it makes guys wonder if you might be into them. You"re a master at accidentallygiving the wrong impression. The first time I met you, I wanted to kill youbecause I thought you were doing it on purpose."
"You"rescary…"
"Wait aminute, haven"t you, like, had a bunch of guys confess to you?"
I wassilent. I couldn"t refute it.
"Sowhat"s up with that "I don"t know anything about love" aura you give off?Anyways, you should be aware of how popular you are."
"...Well,enough about me being popular—"
"I"llkill you. Don"t go getting c.o.c.ky on me. I"ll kill you."
"Let mefinish! Geez, the look in your eyes is scary! ...But even if I"m popular,that"s different from Kouta liking me, right? I"m pretty confident that hedoesn"t seem me in a romantic light."
"Maybethe two of you are more alike than you think. I"m pretty sure he holds you ingood favor… Maybe he doesn"t realize it, either."
...Nowthat she mentioned it, Kouta had a habit of avoiding self-reflection, so himbeing unaware of his feelings was only natural.
"Andfor that matter, he didn"t ignore you or anything even after you started actingall arrogant around him, right?"
Thinkingback to how Kouta was originally, I mumbled, "I think so."
"Thenyou got this in the bag."
"Whatmakes you say that?"
"Eventhough he might not realize it, it"s not your personality that"s annoying himso much. It"s not your selfishness. It"s what we were just talking about, howyou don"t put things clearly. He"s mad because you properly said that you likedhim."
Iwanted to tell her that there"s no way that was the case, but something Koutahad told me floated to mind.
I have to wonder, why do youspend so much time confirming my feelings without voicing your own even once?
"Evenif Kouta"s like you were and doesn"t realize he"s in love with you, all youhave to saying is something like "I like you so much I can"t leave you alone.I"m sorry." and he"d forgive you with a sappy look on his face. "Cause it"spretty clear he definitely has feelings for you. Guys are pretty simple, youknow, and they don"t really get hung up on the past. So you"ve got this in thebag. Or should I call it an easy win?"
Iimmediately wanted to rebut, saying that there was no way it could be thateasy.
Butwhen I ran a simulation inside my head, I felt like the result would be exactlyas she predicted. I could almost imagine Kouta saying "It"s fine, don"t worryabout it," and forgiving me with a slightly fl.u.s.tered look on his face.
Thatwas amazing.
Sayuricame up with an incantation to salvage a relationship that not even I couldthink of a way to like it was nothing.
I gazedat Sayuri with newfound respect.
"Sayuri,are you by any chance actually a powerful magus?"
I hadthought that there was nothing I had left to learn from others when it came tocommunication.
"Magic?What are you going on about? Well, I guess it does make sense that you"d be nomatch for me, given that you"re just a little fledgeling when it comes to loveand I"ve got love on the brain twenty-four seven."
That…made sense. There was no way I could compare to a romance fanatic like her.
Sayurigave my head a soft knock.
"Go get"em, Miki."
"...Willdo."
It waspossible that despite my preconceptions, magic wasn"t actually all thatspecial. It was possible that others could use similar abilities.
Itwasn"t that n.o.body else knew that magic existed. They just didn"t need to.After all, you can do things similar to magic without even noticing.
But… Istill wanted to believe that my magic was special. I couldn"t so easily discardsomething that had supported me for so long.
Theremay well come a day when I find the degree to which I was obsessed with magicembarra.s.sing, but that day is yet to come.
I stillbelieved in my magic.
It wasstill something deeply important to me.
Idecided to go see Kouta once school let out.
Butthinking about it, it would be difficult to hold a normal conversation with himgiven how things ended last time. I had to resolve myself if I was going to beable to make up with him.
I hadno choice but to confess my love for him.
Uponrealizing this I began to lose my nerve a little, and the next-door cla.s.sroombegan to seem farther and farther away. No matter how many deeps breaths Itook, my heart continued pounding away. My shoulders stiffened up from thestress, and I even began to feel a headache come on. After slapping myun.o.bedient legs over and over, I finally reached the cla.s.sroom.
Koutawasn"t there. But his bag was, so it seemed likely that he"d be back for itsoon. With some hesitation, I headed for his seat and sat down. I fellprostrate on the desk he used day in and day out.
Thatwas all it took for my affection to start overflowing. Self-awareness. My heartfelt so itchy that I wanted to scratch it. But at the same time it feltpleasant, like the blood pumping out of my heart was warmer than usual.
Howodd. I hadn"t realized what these feelings were until today, and yet I was wellpast the point of doubting them.
I likedKouta.
I likedKouta a lot.
I wouldconfess to him, and make a request. An egotistical request for him to becomemine.
But whocared if it was egotistical.
I likedhim, after all.
I lovedhim.
So hewould forgive me, wouldn"t he? That was what love meant, wasn"t it?
Inorder to hide my giddy face, I lay even flatter on his desk. Kouta didn"t seemto be coming back, but I waited for him anyways.
I wasso lost in the throngs of love that I had completely forgotten.
Koutawas on the verge of not being Kouta any more.