"Not with money? How then?"
She turned her face up to mine, then smiled and closed her eyes. "A kiss more or less," she said, "wouldn"t matter much to _you_."
And I kissed her.
Then she opened her eyes and looked up at me until the silence between us grew oppressive. Then with a sudden, "Oh, what"s the use!" turned and hurried off. But I caught up with her in two bounds.
"Don"t go away like that."
"Oh," she cried, "I hoped you _wouldn"t_. But you _did_. It"s bad enough to love you, but to despise you too! Oh, don"t worry. _I_ won"t tell. I"ve been bought, I"ve _lived_."
I remained for a long time, alone, under the cedar tree. I was horribly ashamed and troubled, not because I had kissed her, but because I had had the impulse to kiss her again, because I realized at last that it takes more than a romantic love affair to make a silk purse out of a sow"s ear. Because for a moment I saw myself as Hilda saw me--because for a moment I was able to judge Lucy and me, as others would judge us.
I remained for a long time. The negro and his wife came quietly out of the bushes, her arm through his. She would not now run off with the yellow man. I watched them until the darkness swallowed them.
I leaned against the fragrant stem of the cedar, my hand across my eyes. And in that moment of self-reproach, dread and contempt of the future, I too wished the most worthy and sincere wish of my life.
I wished that I had never been born.
XXVI
For once, with complete fervor, I wished that I had never been born.
And if I was to get back any glimmerings of self-respect, I must act like a man. Upon what grounds did I found the hope that Fulton would not soon find out about Lucy and me? Why, on the grounds of moral cowardice, of course. I dreaded to face any drastic, final issue.
There was no other reason. Well, if I was to prove to myself that I was not a moral coward, Fulton must be told and the issue faced, and Fulton himself must be out-faced. It was not enough to love and be loved in secret. That way lies stealing and cheating. We must come into the open hand in hand, proclaim our love and demand our rights.
If these were denied us--well, it would be too bad. But at least we would have come out from under the rose, and the consequences could be flung openly and courageously in the faces of those who denied us. And it would be fairer to Fulton to tell him. He was suffering torment.
With a definite cause to face, it would be easier for him to regain his health and his sanity.
Strong in these resolutions, I felt as if a great weight had been lifted from my shoulders. But if you think that I went at once to Fulton and told him, you have greatly misapprehended the mental workings of a b.u.t.terfly.
I went first to Lucy, and told her that I was going to tell. And from her, too, it was as if a weight had been lifted.
"We can"t go on this way forever," I said; "we thought we could, but we know we can"t. We love each other and we"re human, and sooner or later--Oh, it"s best to go to him now with a clean bill, and tell him that love is too strong for us all, and that he must come out on the side of love no matter how much it hurts him."
"When are you going to tell him?"
"No time like the present, Lucy."
And I drew a long breath, for in spite of the bold words, I felt panicky. I felt as if the doctors had just set the time for the operation, and that it was sooner than I expected.
"We ought to have told him long ago. Where is he?"
"In the garden."
"It"s a hard thing to do. Give me a kiss."
A moment later I felt strong enough and n.o.ble enough to slay dragons.
And I found Fulton sitting on a garden bench in a recess of clipped privet, Hurry on his lap.
"She isn"t feeling very well, poor baby," he said; "it"s the sudden heat. She couldn"t eat any breakfast. Did you want to see me about something special?"
"Why, yes, I do. But you"re busy with Hurry."
"We were just going in to lie down, weren"t we?" he said to the child.
"I won"t be a minute."
He picked her up in his arms, and carried her into the house. A few moments later he returned, smiling, as if she had said something that had touched his humor.
"Let"s sit on the bench," he said. "It"s the one cool place in Aiken, this morning."
Mechanically I sat down beside him and accepted a cigarette from his case.
"I always dread the first hot spell for the babies," he said. "I"m glad we"re going up early this year."
"You"ll be in New York a while?"
"At the New Turner. And then Stamford. Poor Lucy dreads Stamford, but I"ve got to be near the works. What are you planning to do this summer?"
"It depends a great deal on you, John."
Now he turned to me with a very grave expression on his face. "On me?"
"I love Lucy, John, and she feels the same way about me."
His expression of courteous inquiring gravity did not change. "So _that"s_ what was at the bottom of everything. I told her she was seeing too much of you, but she wouldn"t listen. Of course, my contention was just on general principles. I thought you were both to be trusted."
"We only found it out just before you went to Palm Beach."
"You ought to have seen it coming. A man of your experience and record isn"t like a college freshman in such matters."
"If I had seen it coming, John, believe me I"d have run from it. But all at once it had come, and it"s a question now, not of what might have been, but of Lucy"s happiness."
"Yes," he said, "we mustn"t think of ourselves now, or of the children.
We must think of what is best for Lucy. And what is best for Lucy can"t be thought out offhand. There"s the complication of winding up here, moving, and so forth. What is your idea? Yours and Lucy"s?"
"We hope and trust that you won"t want to stand in our way."
"Divorce? Well, of course, it might come to that. It"s not, however, an idea which I am prepared offhand to receive with enthusiasm. Any more than I propose to act upon the very first impulse which I had when you told me."
"What was that?"
"I thought how delicious it would be to get my automatic and fill you full of lead. But you and Lucy, I take it, have so far resisted your temptations, and I must battle with mine."
"I ought to have said _that_; our temptations have been resisted, John."
He shrugged that vital fact aside with, "Oh, I should have known if there had been anything to know."