I told Patrick yes.
"So-what"s your weather like there?"
Weather? I listened: wind. Possibly snow. It was 3:10 A.M. and I was speaking to Patrick ninety miles away on the phone in the family room, in the dark and with the door shut and Troy sleeping and wheezing contentedly at my feet. Upstairs, Mom was sleeping. She"d taken a long hot bath at eleven and I was pretty sure she was sleeping. I didn"t know Dad"s exact or even approximate whereabouts but I reasoned that if he drove up the driveway his headlights would precede him and I"d have no trouble escaping back upstairs to my room.
"It"s a blizzard here," Patrick said. He sounded pleased.
Patrick reiterated that his plan for Zachary Lundt was just about complete in his mind but he hesitated to inform me of many details because he wanted to spare me involvement more than was necessary. He was certain he would not be caught by police, whether Zachary Lundt lived or died he would not be caught, still he was anxious to protect me, his brother. He said, with an air of regret, "No human action can be one-hundred-percent predictable. The future just isn"t there, to be predicted."
I swallowed hard. Told Patrick I wasn"t afraid. I would do whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted.
"It"s a matter of simple coordination. You"ll meet me at X, and you deliver the gun and ammunition. Mike"s.22, my good-luck rifle. The only gun I"ve ever fired. You return home immediately and you stay home and you"re totally uninvolved. Next thing you know you"ll be hearing from me, you can pick up the rifle at Y, and return it to the cabinet. It won"t be fired, I"m sure. If I realize I have to- well, kill him-hurt him-I"ll use a knife. Just an ordinary steak knife. I"ll buy one weeks ahead of time at a hardware store here- just a knife. Something that can"t be traced. But I might not hurt him actually. Unless it happens. He"ll be a coward, he"ll beg for his life. He won"t put up a fight. I know him. I know all of them- Zachary Lundt and his friends. They were going to lie about Marianne, to protect him. I wish I could punish all of them but I can"t. Not just his friends but his father, too. And Dad"s friends."
The bitter intonation of friends. The way Patrick spoke the word, curled his lip in disgust like Dad.
I whispered agreement. My voice was quavering. I felt a deep shuddering thrill as of someone in love, the first terrible time when you don"t know it"s love.
I thought, I have a brother! I am a brother! This is what it is-to be brothers!
Often when Patrick was about to hang up he would change his mind and leap onto another subject. The way, with a wildfire, a wind-borne spark can leap ten, fifteen feet in an instant, to start a fresh blaze. "Judd? You know how in evolutionary theory intelligence isn"t a cause of nature, but only an effect, an accidental effect?-that"s a hard concept to believe, I mean really. I"ve been arguing about it with my professors lately. I mean, I do believe, of course, but-"
I was dazed with exhaustion. Just five minutes of Patrick wore me out. Worse than mucking in the barnyard in ninety-five-degree heat. Worse than any memorization of equations in chemistry, physics. I was ready to burst into laughter. I was ready to ask why you couldn"t believe anything you wanted to believe, wasn"t it a free country? But I knew this was an ignorant response that would disappoint my brother.
I said I guess so Patrick. Said I don"t know.
There was silence at the other end of the line. Just the wind that had gotten into the telephone somehow. I could imagine my brother"s squinty eye, his look of exasperated patience. All Patrick wanted was someone, a brother, worthy of him. I can see that now. I must have disappointed him, for all my good intentions.
CROSSING OVER.
you raped my sister he would say.
He would accuse You raped my sister, you destroyed my family. At gunpoint holding his cringing, cowering enemy Did you think you would never be punished?
That winter, except on the most bitterly cold windswept days, Patrick ran, ran for miles. He was too restless to stay in his room for very long, nor even to work at the lab as he"d once done, lost in concentration, staring down into the magnified, teeming world of microorganisms. He"d grown impatient with that world which had so little to do with his own. That anonymity, so without mind or purpose save its own infinite replication.
His fellow residents at 114 Cook rarely saw him except as he pa.s.sed them on the stairs, or on the front walk, a tall hooded figure in a sheepskin jacket, wool m.u.f.fler drawn up to cover the lower half of his face. There were numerous fanatic runners in Ithaca: Patrick Mulvaney would not have considered himself one of them, he believed his bouts of running, sometimes twice daily, were but extensions of consciousness. Where he couldn"t any longer think clearly in his cramped little room, nor in the fluorescent-flickering lab whose smells gave him a headache, he could think with enormous clarity in the outdoors, in motion.
What pleasure in his body! his young lean-sinewy body! hard muscles of his calves, thighs! and his upper arms and shoulders, from the metronome-movement of his arms! His route was unvaried so that he didn"t have to think about it. So that his mind was freed to think of other things. Up Cook"s steep hill to College Avenue and north on College to Central Avenue crossing the Cascadilla Creek, and downhill to West Avenue and to the suspension bridge above Fall Creek, eastward then to frozen Lake Beebe, along the icy-reedthick sh.o.r.e of Lake Beebe where at dawn juncos and chickadees pierced the air with their sharp, inquisitive cries and he recalled the wild birds at the feeders of High Point Farm, waking to those identical cries, the mysterious speech of birds mixed with his childhood sleep. For miles then along the lake and as far east as the Cornell Plantations, swinging back through the village of Forest Home that reminded him, the close-built wood-frame houses, the narrow streets and sidewalks, of an older area of Mt. Ephraim near the high school where he"d walked, alone, impatient with the din of lunchtime in the cafeteria, long before it had happened. Long before it had entered their lives. And always, what solace in aloneness! in his body"s rhythmic motion! Through Forest Home he followed the southern sh.o.r.e of the lake, curving back to the Cornell campus which he reentered below the Newman Laboratory of Nuclear Studies, ascending then through the campus which was densely built here, his least favorite part of the run, where he might see and be seen by someone he knew, his ident.i.ty as Patrick Mulvaney thrust rudely upon him like something shoved in his face. But his steely gaze, his high-held head and unswerving forward-motion discouraged friendly greetings, if any were imminent. And so back to Gascadilla Creek and down College to Cook. By this time perspiring, exhilarated and exhausted. And filled with hope.
Running revealed to him such truths! Each moment in time has been one of wonder and dread and not-knowing.
At the end of March, from a public telephone in Ithaca, Patrick called the Lundts, in Mt. Ephraim. It was five in the afternoon of a weekday. A woman answered on the fourth ring. Patrick introduced himself as a high school friend of Zachary"s, naming a name ("Don Maitland") that might sound plausible to Mrs. Lundt, for there was in fact a "Don Maitland" who"d been on the periphery of Zachary"s circle, and Patrick guessed the young men wouldn"t be in contact, not after several years. Patrick asked for Zachary"s address, telephone number, and so forth, and Mrs. Lundt provided the information readily enough, yes he was at SUNY Binghamton, yes studying business administration, no he wouldn"t be graduating this year he"d taken a couple of semesters off but he was serious now, working very hard and she and her husband expected Zachary to get his degree possibly as early as next spring. Mrs. Lundt was pleasant-voiced- polite enough to ask "Don Maitland" how he was, what he was doing, and Patrick provided a plausible response, "Don Maitland" too had dropped out of school for a while but was back now, at Oswego Tech, studying electrical engineering. He asked, "Will Zachary be home over spring break? Around Easter?" and Mrs. Lundt said, "Certainly, yes," and Patrick said, "Great! Us guys can all get together, then, like last time," and Mrs. Lundt said, with a mild motherly laugh, "I"m sure you will."
Patrick might then have said good-bye and hung up. But he heard himself ask, with sly naivet,, "How"s that girl of Zach"s?"
Mrs. Lundt was immediately guarded. "Which girl?"
"I don"t remember her name, exactly. A Tri-Delt, I think, at Binghamton. Blond-kind of tall-"
There was a moment"s silence. Then Mrs. Lundt said, coolly, "If it"s the girl I"m thinking of, I don"t know."
Patrick said, with boyish admiration, "Zach"s always been lucky with girls. Since junior high. When he wants them, he gets them; when he"s done with them, they disappear. Us guys always tease him-what"s he got that we don"t?"
Mrs. Lundt laughed. Was "Don Maitland" flirting with her? "What do you know, Don, that I don"t know about Zachary?"
Patrick said, "Hey, I don"t want to be telling tales on Zach. Forget what I just said, Mrs. Lundt."
"I don"t know what Zachary"s private life is. I"m only his mother."
"Hey, that"s what my mom says. I mean-about me."
Patrick and Mrs. Lundt laughed together. Patrick said, "Well, Mrs. Lundt-thanks! I"ll be calling Zach, and I"ll sure be looking forward to seeing him in a few weeks."
"-one of them, a girl named "Joellen"-do you know her, o- about her?"
"Who?"
"Joellen" something. I don"t remember the last name."
"Maybe. From Binghamton? In a sorority?"
"She had her nerve. Calling here, wanting to speak to me."
"Uh-oh," Patrick said sympathetically. "When was this?"
"About six weeks ago. I mean the calls started then. She"d call any time-7 A.M., 10 P.M., once 2 A.M.! Of course we"d just hang up. We were thinking of changing to a private number. But finally I guess she was discouraged, she stopped. "Joellen"-something. I"m sure she wasn"t a college student really."
"Did you talk to her?"
"I most certainly did not! Not after a few seconds, the first time. When I realized who it was and what she wanted."
"What did she want?"
"-to tell lies, slander about my son. To accuse him-to his own mother."
"Accuse Zach of what? Geez."
"Oh-who knows? You know what girls can be like, a certain type of girl, chasing after boys. You must have the same problem?"
Patrick laughed. "Well, Mrs. Lundt, like I said-I don"t have Zach"s luck, I"m not what you"d call good-looking like Zach. He"s got some way about him, just walks into a room..." Patrick"s voice trailed off in admiration.
Mrs. Lundt said pleasantly, "Well. Zachary takes after his father. When Mort was young, I mean. And had his hair. But Mort, goodness, was never like Zach! He didn"t have his poise. But of course things are changed in America now. After the Sixties."
"Yeah. People say."
"As early as eighth grade, girls were chasing Zach. Galling him at home here. Imagine-a girl of thirteen calling a boy at home. When I was in school, we"d have been mortified to do any such thing. We"d have died of shame."
Patrick chuckled sympathetically. "Yeah. My mom. too."