""Come," she said, "surely you will not refuse me, Mr. Ferrers," and her smile was very winning; and Raby, though reluctant, laid the little spray of lilies in her hand. He could hardly have done otherwise, but I was too young to know that.
""There, she has gone at last, the pretty chatterbox," he exclaimed, with a yawn of real or pretended weariness as the door closed upon our visitors. "Crystal, my child, come here: I have not heard your voice for the last hour. Tell me what you think of Miss Vyvie; is she not a lively young lady?"
"I made him no answer. I was past it.
"Oh, if I had only gone silently out of the room to recover myself. If he had not spoken to me just then. He started when he saw my face.
""Crystal, my dear child, what is the matter?" and then--then it burst forth. Oh, my G.o.d, I must have been beside myself. Surely some demon must have entered into my childish heart before I could have poured forth that torrent of pa.s.sionate invective and reproach.
"They had never witnessed such a scene. Margaret, sweet soul, cried and trembled as she heard me, and Uncle Rolf grew quite pale.
""That child," he cried, "Edmund"s child!" and his voice was full of horror; but Raby rose slowly from his couch, and without a word led me from the room.
"I do not know whether I yielded to that firm touch, or whether his strength compelled me; but, still silent, he took me up to my room and left me there.
"Oh, the awfulness of that mute reproach, the sternness of that pale face; it recalled me to myself sooner than any word would have done.
Almost before the door closed my pa.s.sion had spent itself, and then the agony of shame and despair that followed! I had forfeited his good opinion forever. He would never love me again! If I could die--oh, impious prayer that I prayed--if I could only die! But I would never see his face again. I would go where they could never find me, where I would never grieve them more.
"Fern, it was a strange feature that marked those pa.s.sionate fits of mine; but I never yielded to them afterward without the same desire seizing me to go away and see them no more; and but for the watchful care that surrounded me at those times I should often have escaped.
"It came upon me now, this horror of restraint, and overmastered me.
To my fancy I seemed to feel the walls falling in upon me in judgment for my sin. I was suffocated, and yet restless. Oh, to be away, I thought, to be away from those reproachful faces; and I rushed downstairs, through the house and down the yew-tree walk; but the garden-door into the lane was locked, and at that slight obstacle I shivered and lay down on the gra.s.s and crushed my face against the ground, and felt like some youthful Cain, branded with unextinguishable shame.
"I had lost Raby"s love. I had forfeited his respect. There lay the unbearable sting. Never should I forget that pale, stern face and the unspoken reproach in those dark eyes.
""Oh, I can not bear it," I cried; "I can not, can not, bear it."
""My child," said Raby"s grave voice close to me, "if you are sorry, and your grief tells me you are, you must ask pardon of our Father in heaven."
""Then--may a merciful G.o.d forgive me for my blasphemy--I cried, "not His, but yours, Raby. I can not live without your love;" and then I was almost choked with my sobs.
""Crystal," he said, with a heavy sigh, "can this be my child whom I have taught and guided, my child for whom I have prayed every night;"
and, touched by the gentleness of his tone, I crept a little nearer and clasped his feet.
""I can never be forgiven," I sobbed. "What has heaven to do with such a sinner as I?"
""Ah, little one," he answered, "have not I forgiven thee, and I was stretched on no cross for thy sake;" and then, kneeling down by my side, he raised my wet face from the gra.s.s and laid it gently on his arm and kissed it, and then I knew I was forgiven.
"Never, never shall I forget how he talked to me--and yet he was ill--as a brother and a priest, too! How he helped me to bear the terror of the sin and the shame of my repentance; how, without removing one iota of its guilt or one dread of its probable consequences, he led me to the one consolation. "Thy sins, even thine, shall be forgiven thee," and then he took me back into the house, cast down indeed and humbled, but no longer despairing, and led me to Uncle Rolf.
""Father," he said, still holding my hand, perhaps because he felt how I trembled, "father, Crystal has come to ask your pardon and Margaret"s also for the pain she has caused you both, and to say that, with G.o.d"s help, she will never offend so again."
"Never! oh, Raby, never! when the inborn enemy was strong as death and cruel as the grave. Oh, my good angel, Raby, what have the years written, against me--against me--your unhappy child?"
CHAPTER XXIV.
A GRAVE DECISION.
From the day I brought to England my poor searching face (An orphan even of my father"s grave); He had loved me, watched me, watched his soul in mine, Which in me grew, and heighten"d into love.
ELIZABETH BARRETT BROWNING.
"The years rolled by, but, alas! they brought no added happiness with them. The taint in my nature that had revealed itself so unexpectedly, only developed more strongly as time went on; at rare intervals--very rare, I am thankful to say--fierce gusts of pa.s.sion overmastered my reason, so that for a brief time I seemed like one possessed with an evil spirit.
"They tried everything--everything that human wisdom and kindness could devise to save me from myself, but in vain. All causes for offense were removed, and every possible means taken to ward off the threatened excitement; but when the paroxysms came, they wasted no words, no severity upon me, they simply left me to myself.
"But the punishment that followed was a terrible one. For days and days after one of these outbreaks, sometimes for a week together, Raby would refuse to speak to me or to hold any communication at all.
"Our walks and rides, our pleasant studies, were all broken off, every little office and attention refused, my remarks met by a chilling manner that drove me to silence.
"Left completely to my own society, I wandered aimlessly about the house or sat moping over my books or work in a corner. I never sought to rebel against the rigor of my sentence; it was a just one I knew, and I bore it as patiently as I could. And then all at once, sometimes when I least expected it, when I was most hopeless and forlorn, a hand would be placed on my head in the old caressing manner, and a low "forgiven, darling," would bring me back to sunshine and happiness; but, oh, how he suffered. I never knew until afterward that his punishment was even greater than mine.
"I am speaking now of my younger days, but presently there came a time when they treated it less as a fault than a malady; when Raby dreaded the repentance more than the paroxysm, for so poignant was my anguish of remorse that it threatened to prey on my health.
"Then, when they saw how I wept and strove against it, and how the torment of my own undisciplined nature was more than I could bear, then they grew to look upon me as one upon whom some deadly scourge was laid--some moral sickness that they could not understand indeed, but which, out of their great love, they could afford to pity.
"Years rolled on. Raby had pa.s.sed through his university life with honors; had gained a fellowship, and had taken orders, and accepted a curacy some distance from Sandycliffe.
"It was only a temporary position until the church at Sandycliffe had been restored and was ready for use; the living had been already promised to him, and small as it was, he wished to hold it, at least for the present. Raby was a man singularly devoid of ambition, and though he must have been conscious that his were no common gifts, he always told us that he did not wish a wider sphere until he had tested his powers, and had worked a little in the home vineyard.
"At this time he was much occupied with his studies, and some doctrinal treatise on which he was engaged; and as only Sunday duty was required of him, he was able to be with us from Monday to Sat.u.r.day, a great boon to us, as Uncle Rolf"s health was failing, and his son"s constant presence was a great comfort to him. He died when I was about fifteen, and then Raby became master of the Grange.
"The next two years that followed were, in spite of my dear uncle"s loss, very happy ones.
"The fits of pa.s.sion became more rare and decreased in violence, and for a time ceased altogether. It seemed to be coming true what Raby had once prophesied, that I should outgrow them when I became a woman.
"That was our chief joy; but later on, after a year or so, Hugh Redmond came more frequently to the Grange, and by and by Margaret and he were engaged. Raby gave his consent rather reluctantly, he always told me he did not consider him worthy of a woman like Margaret, he thought him weak and impulsive and without ballast; but Margaret had lost her heart to her handsome young lover, and could see no fault in him, and for a time all went smoothly; but I am antic.i.p.ating a little.
"The event that stands prominently in my recollection was a ball that was to be given in honor of young Egerton Trelawney, the eldest son of a wealthy merchant living at Pierrepoint. Margaret was going, and of course Hugh Redmond would be there, but they were not engaged then.
Margaret had induced Raby to let me accompany her, for I was nearly seventeen then, and very womanly for my age. He consented rather reluctantly, I thought, and the subject dropped. Another time I should have tried to extort a more gracious permission, for my heart was set on the ball; but for some time I had noticed a slight change in Raby"s manner to me, an imperceptible reserve that made me a little less at my ease with him; it was not that he failed in kindness, for he had never been so good to me, but there was certainly a slight barrier between us. He ceased to treat me as a child, there was something deferential in his tenderness; his eyes had a keen, watchful look in them as they rested on me that perplexed me.
"I was beginning not to understand Raby at all; either he was not quite happy, or I had disappointed him in some way; and yet, though I longed to question him, an unusual shyness held me back.
"It was the evening before the ball, and Raby was in the library so absorbed in his Hebrew ma.n.u.script that for once he had not missed me from my accustomed place.
"The new ball dress Margaret had ordered had ordered for me in London had just arrived, and she had coaxed me to put down my book and try it on in case any alterations should be required. I had never seen any gown I liked better; the rich, creamy tint just set off my olive complexion and coils of black hair to perfection. I was quite startled when I saw myself in the long pier gla.s.s; my neck and arms were gleaming through the dainty, cobwebby lace, a ruby pendant sparkled like a crimson star at my throat. Margaret was enchanted.
""Oh, Crystal," she exclaimed, "how beautiful you look, just like an Esther or Vashti with their grand Oriental faces. Come down with me and let us startle Raby from his dusty old folios; he will think he sees a vision."
"I followed her smiling; I was pleased that Raby should see me in this queenly garb. I stole gently behind his chair. "Oh, king, live forever," I said, laughing, and then he turned round; and as I dropped him a mocking courtesy he tried to suppress the exclamation that rose to his lips.
""Shall I do?" I continued, mischievously; "shall I do, Raby?" and I made a sweeping obeisance to him, such as Esther might have made to Ahasuerus, but no like scepter of favor was extended to me.
""Yes, you will do very nicely," he said, curtly, and then he went back to his folios. But I had seen the expression in his eyes, the long, wistful look he had cast at me, and I triumphed.