"Of course you are," she agreed. "And it doesn"t help in the slightest, knowing that you are not the only one to suffer. I know that. It doesn"t help me either."
He leaned back on the pillows, turning away from her. The soft brown hair flopped over his brow and he ignored it. The sunlight made bright patterns on the floor.
"I suppose you are going to tell me it will get better with time," he said bitterly.
"No, I"m not," she contradicted him. "There are days when it"s better and days when it"s worse. But when you can"t live in your body, then you must make the best of living in your mind."
This time he did not reply, and eventually Victoria stood up. She half turned, and Hester could see in the light the tears on her face.
"I"m sorry," the girl said gently. "I think perhaps I spoke when I should not have. It was too soon. I should have waited longer. Or perhaps I should not have been the one to say it at all. I did because it is too hard for those who love you so much and have never lain where you lie." She shook her head a little. "They don"t know whether to be honest or not, or how to say it. They lie awake and hurt, helplessly, and weigh one choice against another, and cannot decide."
"But you can?" He turned back to her, his face twisted with anger. "You have been hurt, so you know everything! You have the right to decide what to tell me, and how, and when?"
Victoria looked as if she had been slapped, but she did not retract.
"Will it be any different tomorrow or next week?" she asked, trying to steady her voice and not quite succeeding. She was standing awkwardly, and from the doorway Hester could see she was adjusting her weight to try to ease the pain. "You lie alone and wonder," she went on. "Not daring to say the words, even in your mind, as if they could make it more real. Part of you has already faced it, another part is still screaming out that it is not true. And for you perhaps it won"t be. How much longer do you want to fight with yourself?"
He had no answer. He stared at her while the seconds ticked away.
She took a deep breath and straightened her shoulders, then limped to the door, b.u.mping against the chair. She turned back to him.
"Thank you for sharing Tristram and Isolde with me. I enjoyed your company and your voyage of the mind with me. Good night." And without waiting for him to respond, she pulled the door wider and went out into the landing and down the stairs.
Hester left Robert alone until it was time to take him his supper. He was lying exactly as Victoria had left him, and he looked wretched.
"I don"t want to eat," he said as soon as he realized Hester was there. "And don"t tell me it would be good for me. It wouldn"t. I should choke."
"I wasn"t going to," she answered quietly. "I agree with you. I think perhaps you need to be alone. Shall I close the door and ask that no one disturb you?"
He looked at her with slight surprise.
"Yes. Yes, please do that."
She nodded, closing one door and then the other, leaving only one small lamp burning. If he wept himself to sleep, he should at least have privacy to do it, and no one to know or remember it afterwards.
.4.
HESTER WAS AWARE of Robert"s restlessness all night, but she knew she could not help, and to intrude would be inexcusable. of Robert"s restlessness all night, but she knew she could not help, and to intrude would be inexcusable.
The following morning she found him still asleep, his face pale. He looked very young and very tired. He was just over twenty, but she could see the boy in his features too easily, and feel the isolation and the pain. She did not disturb him. Breakfast hardly mattered.
"Is he all right?" Dagmar said anxiously, meeting Hester on the stairs. "His door was closed last night. I did not like to go in." She blushed faintly, and Hester knew she must have opened the door and heard him weeping. She could only imagine Dagmar"s distress. It must ache inside her beyond bearing that there was nothing to do except bear it. For his sake, she would also try to hide it.
Hester did not know what to say. Perhaps she should not mask the truth any longer. It would need a deliberate lie to do it.
"I think he may be facing the possibility that the paralysis may not go away," she said haltingly. "Of course, it may..."
Dagmar started to speak, but her voice weakened and would not come. Her mind could find hundreds of words, and none that helped. Hester could see it all in her eyes. Dagmar stood still for a moment, then, unable to maintain her composure, she turned and ran down the stairs again and blindly across the hall to the morning room, where she could be alone.
Hester went back upstairs feeling sick.
In the middle of the morning Robert woke up saying that his head was throbbing and his mouth was dry. Hester helped him into the nearby chair. In the hospital in Scutari, she had learned how to lift people who did not have the strength or the feeling to lift themselves, even men larger and heavier than Robert. She gave him the bowl of water so he could wash and shave himself while she changed the bed, put on clean sheets and pillow slips, plumped them up and smoothed the coverlet. She was not finished when Dagmar knocked and came in.
Robert was composed and very grave, but he looked in command of himself. He refused his mother"s help back into bed, but, of course, he could not manage without Hester.
"If Miss Stanhope upset you yesterday," Dagmar began, "I shall send a polite note thanking her and asking her not to come again. It can all be managed without distressing you."
"She probably won"t come anyway," Robert said miserably. "I was very rude to her."
"I"m sure it wasn"t your fault-" Dagmar began.
"Yes it was! Don"t defend me as if I were a child, or an idiot, and not responsible for my actions! I"ve lost the use of my legs, not my mind!"
Dagmar winced and her eyes filled with tears.
"I"m sorry," Robert said immediately. "You"d better leave me alone. I don"t seem to be able to be civil to anyone, except Miss Latterly. At least she"s paid to look after me, and I daresay she"s used to people like me, who behave wretchedly to all those we should be most grateful to."
"Are you saying you want me to go?" Dagmar tried to master her hurt, but it was naked in her face.
"No, of course not. Yes, I am. I hate hurting you! I hate myself!" He turned away, refusing to look at her.
Hester could not make up her mind whether to step in or not. Maybe this needed to run to its conclusion so all the things unsaid would not be hurting in the mind. Or maybe they were better not spoken? Then they would not have to be taken back and apologized for. And there would be no doubt afterwards whether they were forgiven or not.
"I"ll write to Miss Stanhope," Dagmar said hesitantly.
Robert turned back quickly. "No! Please don"t. I"d...I"d like to write to her myself. I want to apologize. I need to." He bit his lip. "Don"t do everything for me, Mama. Don"t take that much dignity from me. I can at least make my own apologies."
"Yes..." She swallowed as if there were something stuck in her throat. "Yes, of course. Will you ask her to come again, or not to?"
"I"ll ask her to come again. She was going to read to me about Sir Galahad and the search for the Holy Grail. He found it, you know."
"Did he?" She forced herself to smile, though tears spilled over her cheeks. "I"ll...I"ll fetch you some paper. And I"ll bring you a tray. Will you be all right with ink in bed?"
He smiled twistedly. "I had better learn, hadn"t I?"
The doctor called in the afternoon, as he did almost every day. He was quite a young man and had not the professional manner which usually distances a doctor from his patients. There was no air of authority, which to some gave great comfort and to others seemed like condescension. He examined Robert and asked him questions, always addressing him directly and without any false optimism.
Robert said very little. Hester felt certain he was trying to call up the courage to ask if he was going to walk again. He asked no other questions, and that one still seemed too enormous to grasp.
"You are progressing very satisfactorily," the doctor said at length, closing up his bag, still speaking to Robert, not to Hester or Dagmar, who stood by. "Lying still seems to have had no adverse effect upon your circulation."
Dagmar made as if to speak and then changed her mind.
"I will have a word with Nurse Latterly about your treatment," the doctor went on. "You must keep from getting sores when you lie in one position."
Robert drew in his breath and let it out again in a sigh.
"I don"t know," the doctor said softly, answering the question his patient had not asked. "That is the truth, Mr. Ollenheim. I am not saying that if I did know I should necessarily tell you, but I should not lie, that I swear to you. It is not impossible that the nerves have been so badly damaged that it will take a long time to regain their use. I don"t know."
"Thank you," Robert said uncertainly. "I was not sure if I wanted to ask."
The doctor smiled.
But downstairs in the withdrawing room, to which Hester had followed Dagmar so that the doctor might speak to them and to Bernd at once, his manner was very grave.
"Well?" Bernd demanded, his eyes dark with fear.
"It does not look promising," the doctor replied, letting his bag rest on the seat of one of the armchairs. "He has no feeling whatever in his legs."
"But it will come back!" Bernd said urgently. "You told us at the time that it could take weeks, even months. We must be patient."
"I said it may come back," the doctor corrected. "I am deeply sorry, Baron Ollenheim, but you must be prepared for the possibility that it may not. I think it would be unfair to your son to keep that knowledge from him. There is still hope, of course, but it is by no means a certainty. The other possibility must also be considered and, as much as lies in your power, prepared for."
"Prepared for!" Bernd was horrified; his face went slack, as if he had been struck. "How can we prepare for it?" His voice rose angrily. "Do what?" he demanded, waving his arms. "Purchase a chair with wheels? Tell him he may never stand again, let alone walk? That...that..." He stopped, unable to continue.
"Keep courage," the doctor said painfully. "But do not pretend that the worst cannot happen. That is no kindness to him. He may have to face it."
"Isn"t there something that can be done? I will pay anything I have...anything..."
The doctor shook his head. "If there were anything, I would have told you."
"What can we say or do that will make it easier for him," Dagmar asked softly, "if...if that should happen? Sometimes I don"t know whether it would be easier for him if I said something or if I didn"t."
"I don"t know either," the doctor admitted. "I"ve never known. There are no certain answers. Just try not to let him see too much of your own distress. And don"t deny it once he has accepted it himself. He will have sufficient battles of his own without having to fight yours as well."
Dagmar nodded. Bernd stood silently, staring past the doctor towards a magnificent painting on the wall of a group of hors.e.m.e.n riding at a gallop, bodies strong, lithe, molded to the movement in perfect grace.
Hester was taking a brief walk in the garden early the following morning when she came upon Bernd standing alone beside a fading flower bed. It was now near the end of September, and the early asters and Michaelmas daisies were in bloom over in the farther bed, a glory of purples, mauves and magentas. Closer to, the gardener had already cut back the dead lupines and delphiniums gone to seed. Other summer flowers were all long over. There was a smell of damp earth, and the rose hips were bright on the rugosa. October was not far away.
Actually, she had come to pick some marigolds. She needed to make more lotion from the flowers. It was most healing to the skin for wounds and for the painful areas of someone lying long in one position. When she saw Bernd she stopped and was about to turn back, not wishing to intrude, but he saw her.
"Miss Latterly!"
"Good morning, Baron." She smiled slightly, a little uncertain.
"How is Robert this morning?" His face was puckered with concern.
"Better," she answered honestly. "I think he was so tired he slept very well and is anxious that Miss Stanhope will consent to return."
"Was he very rude to her?"
"No, not very; simply hurtful."
"I would not like to think he was...offensive. One"s own pain is not an excuse for the abuse or embarra.s.sment of those not in a position to retaliate!"
In one sentence he had stated all that his status meant, both the innate conviction of superiority and the unbreakable duty of self-discipline and honor that went with it. She looked at his grave profile with its strong, well-shaped bones, a much older, heavier edition of Robert"s. His mouth was half obscured by his dark mustache, but the lines were so alike.
"He was not offensive," she a.s.sured him, perhaps less than truthfully. "And Miss Stanhope understood precisely why he was abrupt. She has suffered a great deal herself. She knows the stages one pa.s.ses through."
"Yes, she is obviously"-he hesitated, not sure how to phrase it delicately-"damaged in some way. Was it a disease or an accident, do you know? Of course, she is more fortunate than Robert. She can walk, even if somewhat awkwardly."
She watched his expression of certainty, closed in his own world of a.s.sumptions he held as to the lives of others. She could not tell him about Victoria"s tragedies or those of her family. He might understand, but if he did not, the damage would be irretrievable. Victoria"s privacy would be shattered, and with it the frail confidence she had struggled so hard to achieve.
"An accident," Hester replied. "And then a clumsy piece of surgery. I am afraid it has left her with almost constant pain, sometimes less, sometimes more."
"I"m sorry," he said gravely. "Poor child." That was the end of the subject for him. Courtesy had been satisfied. It had not entered his thinking that Victoria could in any permanent sense be part of Robert"s life. She was merely an unfortunate person who had been kind at a time of need, and when that period was over she would disappear, possibly to be remembered with regard, but no more.
He stared beyond the faded bed of flowers towards the brave show of daisies and asters beyond and the bright, rather straggling marigolds, a sudden flare of color against the wet earth and darkening leaves.
"Miss Latterly, if you should happen to become aware of any of the details of this miserable business of Countess Rostova and the Princess Gisela, I would appreciate it if you did not mention it to Robert. I fear it may become extremely unpleasant by the time it reaches trial, if that cannot be prevented. I don"t wish him to be unnecessarily distressed. My wife has a somewhat romantic view of things. That would be a pleasanter one for him to accept."
"I know very little of it," Hester said honestly. "The Baroness told me how the Prince and Gisela met, which I suppose I should already have known, and I believe Robert knew that too. But I have no idea why the Countess Rostova should make such an accusation. I don"t even know if it is personal or political. It seems extraordinary, when she obviously cannot prove it."
Bernd pushed his hands into his pockets and swayed very slightly on his feet.
Hester was fascinated by the pa.s.sion which must have driven Countess Rostova, but more urgently than that, she was deeply concerned for Rathbone. It would not matter greatly that he should lose a case. In fact, she thought privately that it might do him good. He had become very pleased with himself since his knighthood. But she did not want to see him humiliated by having taken up a case which was absurd, or alienate himself from his colleagues and from society, even from the ordinary people in the street who identified with the romance of Gisela"s story and wished to believe well of her. People do not like their dreams trampled upon.
"Why should she do such a thing?" she asked aloud, aware that he might consider her impertinent. "Is it possible someone else prompted her?"
A slight wind stirred in the trees, sending a drift of leaves down.
He turned around slowly and looked at her, a furrow across his brow.
"I had not thought of that. Zorah is a strange and willful woman, but I have never known her to act in so self-destructive a manner before. I can think of no sane reason why she should make such a charge. She never liked Gisela, but then neither did a great many people. Gisela is a woman with a talent for making both friends and enemies."
"Could Zorah be acting for one of her enemies?"
"In such a suicidal manner?" He shook his head fractionally. "I wouldn"t do that for anyone else. Would you?"
"That depends upon who it was and why I thought they wanted me to," she replied, hoping he would tell her more about Zorah. "Do you think she really believes it is true?"
He considered the question for several moments.
"I would find it difficult," he said at last. "Gisela could have nothing to gain personally or politically by Friedrich"s death, and everything to lose. I don"t see how Zorah could fail to know that."
"Do they know each other well?" It piqued her curiosity sharply. What would the relationship be between those two so different women?
"In a sense, as I think all women know each other when they have lived many years in such circ.u.mstances, amid the same circle of people. Their characters are quite different, but there are ways in which their lives are not. Zorah could very easily have been where Gisela was, had Friedrich been of a different personality, had he fallen in love with Zorah"s type of unsuitable woman instead of Gisela"s." A sudden distaste marred his expression, and she realized with intense sharpness the degree of his anger against the woman who had disrupted the royal house and caused a prince to abandon his people and his duty.
"They couldn"t have quarreled over another man, could they?" she said aloud, still searching for reasons.
"Gisela?" Bernd seemed surprised. "I doubt it. She flirted, but it was only a sort of...a sort of exercise of her power. She never encouraged anyone. Certainly, I would swear she had no interest."
"But Zorah could have, and if the man was in love with Gisela...Gisela must have had the most amazing charm, a magnetic allure." She realized she was speaking of her as if she were dead. "I mean she must have still, I imagine."
Bernd"s lips tightened a little, and he turned away, the sharp autumn sun on his face. "Oh, yes. One does not lightly forget Gisela." His expression softened, the contempt fading. "But then you would not forget Zorah either. I think a political answer more probable. We are on the verge of a most dangerous time in our history. We may cease to exist as a country if we are swallowed up into a greater Germany by unification. On the other hand, if we remain independent, we may be ravaged by war, possibly even overrun and obliterated."