"No," Gavin said firmly. "The girl was conceived while I was married to Talisha. I was never unfaithful. Never." To even think about being unfaithful to his first wife made his stomach turn.
"What if it"s true? Oh, Gavin, this is terrible."
Gavin hung his head. "I know. I still got to acknowledge her as mine."
Feanna gasped, her eyes open wide. "And give her a claim to the throne? What about our baby, Gavin?" She put her hand on her growing belly. "He"s your legitimate son."
"I"m not talking about naming this girl as my heiress, only acknowledging her as a Kinshield." He looked pleadingly into her eyes. "And as my daughter. To protect Rogan"s family."
Feanna pulled her hand out of his. "To protect the reputation of a dead man, what will that do to your own? You would sacrifice your honor for his? He"s the one who stepped out on his wife, not you. What does that do to Talisha"s name? You would dishonor her too?"
"No, but what am I supposed to do? Destroy my nephews" memory o"their father as an honorable man? And Liera"s? He was a good man, and he provided for all his children. He died because o"me, and so it"s up to me to continue providing for them. If that means I got to acknowledge his b.a.s.t.a.r.d as mine, then that"s what I got to do."
Feanna gripped his forearm. "But Gavin, you don"t have to do that. You can provide for her the same way Rogan did secretly. Send her money, ensure she has enough to eat, clothes to wear, and a roof over her head. That"s all you owe her, and no more."
"Doesn"t she deserve to know her family or who her father was? Doesn"t she deserve the kind o"life his sons have now?"
"That"s not what I"m saying, and you know it. I"m begging you not to destroy our family to protect Rogan. It was his mistake, not yours."
"I understand, but Rogan"s dead and beyond my protection. I"m trying to protect his widow and the three boys he left behind."
Feanna threw up her hands dramatically and stood. Gavin stood too. "Do whatever you think is best. Obviously, I"m not going to change your mind." She started towards the door, and when Gavin reached for her and begged her to wait, she jerked her arm away and stormed out.
His eldest nephew, twelve-year-old Jaesh, tall for his age like Gavin and Rogan had been, was standing outside the door with a startled expression, following Feanna with his gaze. He turned to offer Gavin a shallow smile as he approached.
Gavin exhaled his tension and smiled back. How much of that had his nephew heard? "How now, Jaesh. You finished your lessons for today?"
Jaesh nodded. "Can you spare a minute? I"m sure you"re busy. I could come back later."
"Never too busy for you." Gavin sat back down. "Take a seat."
Jaesh sat in the chair Feanna had just vacated and fidgeted his hands. "I wanted to ask you something. Mama said you have magic that lets you talk to people in times gone by."
"Yeh. I call it back-traveling. I can travel to any day that"s already happened as if it were a place. That"s how I met King Arek."
Jaesh leaned forward expectantly. "Could you talk to my papa?"
Gavin should have antic.i.p.ated this, but he hadn"t, and now he was left with an empty mind and a heavy tongue. He cleared his throat and rubbed his brow, trying to think of a way to let the boy down gently. "It"s possible," he admitted, "but there are certain things I can"t tell him."
"What kinds o"things? Could you tell him I miss him?" Jaesh"s eyes moistened.
Gavin put a meaty paw on Jaesh"s shoulder. "I can"t tell him anything that could change the future. If I told him you miss him, he would ask me why. From his point o"view, you"re within shouting distance - he"d wonder why you missed him. If he figured out he"d be dead soon, he might be tempted to do something different."
"But that would be good, right?"
"As much as I want to change the past, I can"t."
Jaesh"s face fell. "So you can"t save him?"
Gavin shook his head sadly. "If I could, I would"ve done it already. The magic doesn"t work that way."
The boy hung his head, and Gavin"s heart sank. He missed his brother too. There was, of course, the matter of Keturah, and Gavin planned to question Rogan about her. "I"ll tell you what," he said. "If I get a chance to talk to Rogan, I"ll remind him how much you love him."
The boy looked up at him with an odd expression. "I wonder... There was a time when he came to me while I was cutting duck feathers he sat down in front o"me looking as if he was going to cry, and said, "I know, son." He said he loved me too, no matter what." He looked as though he wanted to say something else, but his face clouded, and in that moment he became more a child and less a boy on the edge of manhood.
Gavin stood and pulled him into an embrace. The boy"s shoulders shook, his arms around Gavin"s waist tightened, and his hands gripped Gavin"s shirt. Gavin felt his own eyes burn with unshed tears. He"d wept for his murdered brother once, but he hadn"t let himself cry again since. In the back of his mind, he knew he could visit Rogan anytime he wanted to. Jaesh, Asia, GJ and Liera didn"t have that luxury. "Listen, I"m leaving for Calsojourn tomorrow. I"ll stop in Saliria and pay a visit to your papa. I"ll do my best to let him know."
Jaesh pulled back and wiped his face before letting Gavin see it. "May I come with you?"
"I can"t bring you with me back-traveling, if that"s what you"re thinking," he said. "Besides, I got to take a criminal with me, so it"s best if you stay here."
"I won"t get in the way. Please, Uncle Gavin. Life is dull here. There"s only so much learning a boy can do in a week."
Gavin chuckled and squeezed Jaesh"s shoulder. "Let me think on it, but don"t get your hopes up. My answer"ll probably still be no. Feanna"s going to Ambryce tomorrow. If you want, I"ll ask her to take you with her."
Jaesh made a face. "I love Aunt Feanna, but traveling on a woman"s journey wasn"t what I had in mind."
Gavin returned to his chair behind the desk. "I understand, believe me."
That put a smile on his nephew"s face. He went to the door. "My thanks, Uncle Gavin. Until supper, my liege." He bowed more gracefully than Gavin thought a common-born boy could. Apparently he was receiving lessons in more than just reading and numbers.
"Until then."
Chapter 20.
They"d had a dining table crafted that was large enough to seat Gavin, Feanna and their four adopted children, Edan and Daia, Liera and her three sons, plus four guests who varied from one meal to the next. Sometimes guards joined them, or a visiting lordover and his wife, or Gavin"s warrant knight friends who"d come to remind the king of their friendship. From time to time they dined just the twelve of them. Gavin sat at the table"s head, and Feanna always sat on his right so they could hold hands beneath the table while they ate.
Generally the children gathered at the far end and the adults grouped nearest to Gavin, but that evening eight-year-old GJ claimed the seat to Gavin"s left. He ate quietly, neither listening to the conversation going on around him nor partic.i.p.ating or starting one. Several times, he set down his spoon and gently touched Gavin"s hand or arm as if to rea.s.sure himself his uncle was really there.
After supper, the extended Kinshield family gathered in a room in which two sofas, and several chairs and stools lined the four walls, and pillows were piled in the middle of the floor for the children to lie or sit on as they pleased. Gavin thought of it as the Family Room, because it was where his family spent time together talking or telling stories to the children to prepare them for bed-time. The boys often asked for stories about battling beyonders, never noticing the way Jilly would shrink into a corner at the mere mention of the monsters, even though Gavin had put an end to their threat forever more. This evening in particular, GJ wanted a story about his father, and he moved from his own seat to climb into Gavin"s lap.
Gavin supposed he provided them a special connection to their father because, except for Gavin"s facial scars and missing eyetooth, they"d looked so much alike. GJ closed his eyes and clutched Gavin with all his might. "I miss you, Papa," he whispered.
Gavin felt like a boulder was sitting on his chest, crushing his heart. He squeezed GJ closer, bent his mouth to his young nephew"s ear, and whispered, "I miss you too, son." When he lifted his head once again, he caught Liera"s tear-filled eyes watching them.
They took cues from the two youngest girls, Jilly and Tansa. When they fell asleep on the floor pillows, it was time to send them to their beds. With his magic, Gavin made each of them a softly glowing light ball to carry to their rooms. As light as a feather, they emitted no heat, and so they were safe to hold, though they weren"t st.u.r.dy enough to stand up to poking and pulling. The older children, Jaesh, Trevick and Asiawyth, made a game of racing each other while carrying their light ball carefully enough that it didn"t fall from their open palms. GJ joined in, but he tried to walk too fast and had to stop to scoop his light ball back into his hand.
After the children were tucked into bed, Gavin, Feanna, and Liera relaxed in the family room with a gla.s.s of wine. Rogan"s b.a.s.t.a.r.d daughter weighed more heavily on his mind every time he looked at Liera or heard her speak or caught a sniff of her perfume. Feanna stared at him, her body stiff and her brow furrowed. He knew she wanted him to tell his sister-in-law about her husband"s infidelity, but would Liera want to know? If he were in her shoes, he wouldn"t. Not with Rogan dead.
"Liera," Gavin said hesitantly. "Let me ask you something as a woman. If you knew a secret about me that would hurt Feanna to know, would you tell her?" If she agreed with Feanna that a wife had a right to know everything about her husband, then he would tell her about Rogan"s b.a.s.t.a.r.d child.
Liera looked at Feanna. "No, I wouldn"t. What would be the purpose in it?"
"To be honest," Feanna said. "A husband should share everything, good or bad, with his wife."
Liera shook her head firmly. "You"re happy together now, aren"t you? If you learned something about Gavin that he was ashamed of and didn"t want you to know, what would that do to your relationship? In the years to come, you"ll disagree, you"ll argue, you might even stop speaking to him or sharing yourself with him in the bedroom for a time, but why dampen the happiness you have now? It"s not my business to tell Gavin"s secrets. I might try to convince him to tell you, but I wouldn"t do it."
"I see," Feanna said. She stood and smoothed the front of her skirt. "I guess you win, Gavin." She bid Liera goodnight, and without offering him a kiss or another word, she left.
Gavin put his head in his hands. She"d been so difficult lately, which was both frustrating and maddening. It was as if she was incapable of seeing reason. Feanna was a good person, though, with a pure heart. He loved her for who she was, not what she did.
"Oh, dear," Liera said, surprised guilt on her face. "Did I say the wrong thing?"
"We had an argument earlier. I told her the secret would stay secret but she thinks it"s dishonest to withhold the truth. If telling it does no good and possibly does harm, there"s no good reason to. And so I won"t. I"m at least as stubborn as she is. She won"t budge me on the matter."
"Well, don"t worry about Feanna. Her mood will change a lot during the coming months because of her condition. She loves you, and she"ll come to accept your decision not to tell her what you"re hiding."
He exhaled hard, glad she hadn"t guessed it wasn"t his own secret they were discussing. "I hope you"re right. I don"t want to keep feuding about it."
"But Gavin," she said, "if it"s what I think it is, perhaps you should reconsider. Withholding the reason for your missing tooth is one thing, and I know it amuses you to make up stories about it. Keeping secret a b.a.s.t.a.r.d child is something else entirely."
Gavin"s mouth dropped open in surprise.
"Don"t be angry. Rogan told me about her a few years ago, and he told me about your arrangement."
"Our arrangement," Gavin said, not knowing what the h.e.l.l she was talking about. "Right."
Liera laughed and patted his leg. "Don"t feel bad. I agreed with him. Your nomadic lifestyle made it difficult to visit regularly, but now that you"ve settled down in one place..." She raised her eyebrows encouragingly. "I"m sure you"re sending money to keep the child fed and clothed, but don"t you think you should tell your wife? Should you die before your son is born and named as your heir, Savior forbid it, Keturah has an equal claim to the throne."
"How much did Rogan tell you about our arrangement?"
"Well, he told me he took money and gifts to the child"s mother every month, and that you pay him back whenever you visit. He didn"t think it was fair for Keturah to grow up not knowing any of her family, and so he was glad to do it. I begged him to bring her to the house to meet her cousins, but he thought the boys would let it slip and get you upset. He"d promised to keep your secret, and in telling me he broke that promise. I hope you"re not angry."
Gavin chewed the inside of his cheek. "Maybe you"re right. What"s done is done, and I hate arguing about it."
"She might be upset at first, but she"ll understand. You weren"t married when Keturah was conceived, so she won"t think ill of you for being unfaithful. It was a mistake, that"s all."
Gavin"s head spun. At least he wouldn"t have to worry about the girl"s existence slipping in front of Liera. "I never saw you and Rogan argue, even in all the years you were together." He hoped she would confide some marital secret that might explain why Rogan fathered a b.a.s.t.a.r.d child.
Liera waved that notion away with one hand. "You didn"t see a lot of things. Our marriage wasn"t perfect, but we had love." She gave a little snort. "Did Rogan ever tell you I left him?"
His eyebrows shot up. "No. When was this?"
"Before GJ was born. We"d been feuding a lot, mostly over how to raise our sons. I thought he was too stern, he thought I was coddling them. We couldn"t come to an agreement over discipline, and that disagreement spilled into other areas. Soon, neither of us could do anything right in the eyes of the other, and so I packed up my sons and went to my mother"s house. She lived in Saliria at the time, so I was just going down the road a piece." She chuckled, staring at her hands cupping her wine goblet.
"I had no idea. How"d you remedy it?"
She took a deep breath. "I didn"t. Rogan did. He showed up on my mother"s doorstep and apologized for his mistakes and his flaws as a man, begged me to forgive him, and said no matter our disagreements, we belong together. He said he could never love another woman the way he loved me. I was ashamed at myself for running out on such a fine husband, and so we went back home with him. I think GJ was made that night." Liera giggled. "And soon I came to see he was right - about the boys, about the farm, about a lot of things."
Gavin nodded. They both fell silent for a few moments.
"Gavin," she said quietly, "I appreciate and understand your wanting to comfort GJ when he"s missing his father, but pretending you"re him won"t help him adjust to the fact that Rogan"s dead."
"Maybe not," Gavin said. "He"s just a boy, and he"ll live the rest o"his life with only the memories he has, which"ll fade as he gets older. If he needs an embrace or a whispered word to get through a tough day, the ones who support him and help him will earn and keep his trust. I can"t be their papa, but they look to me they way they would"ve looked to him. I resemble Rogan enough to remind them every day o"what they lost."
"Don"t you think I know that?" Liera snapped. "Whenever I glimpse you walking past, my heart pounds with the hope my dead husband"s miraculously returned to life. My loss is renewed the very next moment when I realize it"s you." She burst into tears and covered her face with her hands.
He sat there helplessly, unsure what words to use to comfort her. He missed Rogan too, and accepted the responsibility for all the pain his death caused. He put his arm around her shoulders. "I"m sorry, Liera." He could think of nothing else to say. The ache in her heart wouldn"t be cured by words. He knew that. "I"m going to Calsojourn tomorrow. At least you"ll have a respite from my face for a bit."
Despite her red nose and tear-filled eyes, Liera laughed. "I don"t know whether to be glad or sad." She stood, leaned down and kissed his forehead. "Go up and talk to your wife."
Chapter 21.
Their last night together didn"t go quite as Gavin had hoped it would. Feanna was cold, shrugging off his touch, and tugged the bed covers tighter around herself. He knew what she wanted to hear - an admission that he"d manipulated Liera into supporting his argument without knowing it was Rogan"s secret and not Gavin"s they were talking about. He wouldn"t do it. The principle was the same, and Liera stated what her preference was. For Gavin to disregard it to satisfy Feanna"s sensibilities was to do an injustice to Liera. The matter was between Rogan and his wife, and not between Feanna and anyone else. Lying beside her in the dark, Gavin tried to explain it. He even told her Liera knew about Keturah but believed her to be Gavin"s daughter, but Feanna just pulled the covers over her head and made no reply.
When he awoke in the morning, her side of the bed was empty and cold. He bathed and dressed and found her outside the stable, directing the packing of her bags, while her footman chased after her with a rainshade.
"I want my books in the carriage with me," she said. "And perhaps some bread and cheese."
"Yes, Your Majesty, but we can stop for a meal whenever you"d like," the footman said.
Their three daughters were sitting in one carriage, giggling and waving and blowing kisses through the open window. Their son, Trevick, was on the wagon, arranging crates and baggage and strapping them down. Gavin"s nephews Jaesh and Asiawyth were standing with Liera, watching with sadness, while Rogan"s youngest son, named after Gavin, was hunting for stones and skipping them across the larger puddles.
Gavin went up behind Feanna and put his arms around her and nuzzled her honey-colored hair where it fell softly across her shoulders and back. She turned around to face him. "Gavin, I"m glad you"re here. I tried to wake you, but you wouldn"t stir. I was hoping to say good-bye before I left."
Hoping to? The idea that she would have left without saying good-bye if he hadn"t awoken in time didn"t sit well with him. Once she was back from Ambryce, they would need to sit down and talk, to resolve the tension that seemed to be building between them. He hoped it was just her pregnancy making her more difficult and emotional. That would pa.s.s. He didn"t want to consider the possibility that he"d chosen his bride too hastily, before knowing her true temperament.
The horses were hitched, the supplies were loaded and the battlers and attendants were ready to mount. Feanna bent down to kiss and embrace each of the children. She entreated them to behave themselves and do their lessons. By the time she reached Trevick, who"d hung back shyly, tears were streaming freely down her cheeks, and the three girls were bawling.
"Oh, don"t cry, my loves," Feanna said, wiping her eyes. "You"ll have Papa to keep you company, and I"ll be home before you know it."
Oh h.e.l.l, Gavin thought. He"d forgotten to tell her he was taking Cirang to Calsojourn. He wondered whether he should tell her now or just explain to the children after she left. No, she would find out from them when she got home, and he would be under her shoe for days, maybe even weeks.
"Um," he said, scratching his temple, "I meant to tell you yesterday - I got to go to Calsojourn. I"m planning to leave shortly myself."
She looked at him with a mixture of anger and disbelief. "You were going to let me leave without telling me that? Who"s going to stay with the children?"
"Edan will be here, and Liera. h.e.l.l, we got a whole palace full o"people to look after them."
She opened her hands dramatically. "But neither of their parents. Couldn"t you have timed your journey for after I returned? By the Savior, Gavin!"
The three girls quieted, looking at them both with wide eyes.