The Old Man and C
SHEILA FINCH.
Light sprang to the wall when his wife opened the cas.e.m.e.nt window to let in a little breeze from the lake. It shattered, sparkling over bookshelves and wallpaper, as his young student"s bow sc.r.a.ped across the E string and the fingers of her left hand searched for high C.
She still could not seem to get it right. The note must sing, not screech! He had shown Rosa over and over, patiently correcting her fingering, the pressure of the bow across the string, explaining to her how the sound was produced in the hope that if she understood perhaps she could improve. She was so brilliant in every other respect.
"Kaffee, Papa?" his wife whispered in his ear.
He shook his head.
"Don"t lost sight of the time. Eddie comes this afternoon. And Lisl will want to go with her Opa on the boat!"
Rosa had progressed to the Arabesque, a pa.s.sage she played excellently, her fingers flying like the scintillating reflection of water on the wall.
His wife left him to his pupil and the music lesson, closing the music room door quietly behind her. He gazed at Rosa. Eyes closed, she bit her lower lip in concentration. Wisps of fair hair escaped from braids trailing over her shoulders. She was a good girl, the best student he had ever had. If she mastered this one note, she should easily take the gold medal-perhaps the last he would see a pupil take. She had more natural talent than any of his previous medalists.
But the other students in the compet.i.tion, children who came from the wealthy suburbs of Zurich where they had Waschmaschinen and Fernsehapparaten, they could afford to spend all day practising, whereas Rosa got up at first light and helped her father milk the cows. Time for the violin had to be sandwiched between farm ch.o.r.es and schoolwork. Now she was approaching sixteen; her father had begun to think of the day she would marry a solid farm lad and give him one less mouth to feed. This was her last chance, too. He had worked hard with Rosa, giving long lessons and extra lessons that her family had paid for with cream and eggs. Who could say if it would be enough?
Rosa finished the piece with a flourish, the notes sparkling almost visibly in the air between them.
"So, Herr Professor, are you pleased?" Triumph shining on her round face showed what answer she expected.
"I"m very pleased," he agreed.
"We"re going to win the medal," she promised.
It was important to him that this little farm girl take the very last gold medal. Yet he knew he should not allow his own sense of self-worth to become bound to a pupil"s performance in a compet.i.tion. How had it happened? When one is young, he thought, how many choices lie at one"s fingertips? How many roads beckon the eager traveler? Time spreads out before the young man like a map of a marvelous sunlit country. He knows he can write symphonies, build castles, discover the secrets of the universe-which will it be? He does not know (for G.o.d is merciful) that the choice of one road shuts out the possibility of another. Who can guarantee which is right to take?
His mother had always wanted him to play the violin. And he had been an indifferent scholar in school.
"Herr Einstein?" Rosa said, her young face creased in a frown. "Aren"t you well?"
He discovered that he was sweating and took out a linen handkerchief to mop his brow. "I"m well, Rosa. It"s hot today, that"s all. What else should we expect of July?"
"If I get my ch.o.r.es done early enough, my mother says I can take my little brothers swimming." She looked up at him, blue eyes innocent as infinity. "Do you wish me to play something else, Herr Professor?"
He patted her hand. "Enough for today, Liebchen. Enjoy the lake!"
And the light, he thought, the vast potential of the realms of light.
Rosa put the violin away in its case, gathered up her music, dropped him a hasty curtsy, and scurried from the room. The dancing light, fragmented by her departure, gathered itself together again, settling back on the walls and the Turkish rug and the dark wood of the grand piano.
The day"s post lay on the floor by the armchair under the open window where he had left it at the beginning of Rosa"s lesson. Sunshine fell on the fat pile, a correspondence he carried on with old friends, poets, pacifists and Zionists, people he had met all over Europe when he had still been touring with the orchestra. They sent letters full of music and philosophy and grand theory, wonderful talk. It was like a rich, festive meal that today he did not feel like eating. He set most of the letters aside, unopened. There had been a time when he had shared his friends" sense of holding the universe in the palm of his hand, a gift of a benign G.o.d who revealed His existence in the harmony of His creation.
He shook his head mutely. It was a young man"s belief. The world had fought two terrible wars since then. Now it was enough to sit quietly and look at what had become of the promises.
He was so tired today.
One letter was from his widowed cousin Elsa, full of news about her daughters, no doubt; he had always liked Elsa. He tore the stamps off the envelope carefully, saving them for his granddaughter, Lisl.
"Papa?" His wife appeared in the doorway, her hands still floury from making Dampfnudeln.
"Are you coming to lunch?"
"Ah, Millie," he said. "I"m getting old."
"Seventy-five isn"t old!"
"And what have I accomplished?"
Millie spread her arms wide. "This house, two fine sons, your sailboat down there on the lake, your pupils-perhaps Rosa gets the gold this year. How many will that make for you? And you ask what you"ve accomplished?"
He was silent, looking at the shimmering light from the lake that shot its arrows into his soul.
"Besides," his wife said, "Lisl adores you. That must be worth something?"
But the sense there might have been more gnawed at him.
Later, with his son and granddaughter, he took the sailboat far out on Lake Zurich, tilting gently in a mild breeze and grand weather, sailing under the lee of slopes covered with ripening vineyards, presided over by the hump of the Albishorn.
Millie was right, he thought. All the tiny joys had to add up to something. "I picked up a translation of a new thing that came out last year from this American writer, Hemingway," Eddie said, as Lisl trailed fingers in the cold, clear water, shattering the drowned light in its depths into diamond fragments. "It"s about an old man fishing, and sharks."
"I don"t like to fish."
"You"d like this story!"
He gazed at his younger son, a banker, already thickening into comfortable middle age. "I don"t have as much time to read as you, apparently."
"Nonsense! You read the wrong things-about wars and terrible things like that. You should read fiction."
"So many wars. Where will it all end?"
"Pfft!" Eddie made a derisive sound. "These Asians are all alike. The Koreans will run out of steam just as the j.a.panese did in 1947. You"ll see. The Americans hate to do anything violent.
They"ll make another treaty."
"Opa," Lisl interrupted, hanging over the low side of the boat, brown hair trailing through sun-spangled water. "Are there sharks in this lake? May I go swimming?"
"Careful!" Eddie warned. "You"ll fall in fully clothed, and then your grandmother will scold!"
The sun"s slanting radiance scattered from the child"s flowing hair. He stared at it, fascinated.
The play of light had always obsessed him.
"Opa?" Lisl urged.
"A man should leave a mark," he said, watching the flash and dazzle in the lake. "It"s not enough just to have lived."
"Exactly the point of the Hemingway story I referred to!" his son said with obvious satisfaction. "I took the liberty of putting my copy on your desk, Papa."
The child began to cry.
Venus, the evening star, was already burning in the western sky.
They heeled over and brought the sailboat swooping back to the dock.
The map does not indicate which is the best road, only that more than one possibility exists.
One afternoon many years ago (perhaps early May, for he remembered the cuckoo"s melancholy call outside the open window) he had been at his desk in the patent office in Bern.
Splinters of sunlight fell through green branches onto the papers he was reading. The work was sterile, soul-killing. He lived for the evenings when the street lamps were lit; then he walked under pale yellow flowers of the linden trees to the back room of a small Gasthaus. There, he joined a string quartet, explorers working their way across Beethoven"s stark territory, the rich jungles of Brahms, the tidy gardens of Johann Sebastian Bach. He had just recently graduated from the Polytechnic Academy, where he"d studied math. But music had proved to be his Lorelei.
This particular day, he remembered, he had trouble chaining his mind to the endless march of dull papers across his desk, while outside the marvelous vernal light called to him. Instead, he played with numbers (the abstract language of music, he had always thought) that combined and recombined in mysterious ways, numbers like the swarming stars that dazzled overhead in the clear Alpine night.
"Ho, Jew boy!" The supervisor, a spindly little man with a receding hairline who had taken an instant dislike to the new employee, stopped by his desk.
He hastily slid a pile of half-finished forms over the mathematical doodlings. The supervisor leered over the desk, hoping to catch him in blatant error so there would be cause to fire him.
"Is the report ready, young genius? Or have you been too busy to bother?" "I"ll have it done on time."
"You certainly will-or you"ll look elsewhere for employment!"
He was not born to work behind a desk, filling out forms, following someone else"s orders.
But he also was not capable of ignoring a challenge. For two hours he worked without stopping till the report was done, far more thoroughly than even the thin supervisor had a right to expect.
That evening at music practice, a warm spring breeze blowing, full of starshine and promises, he received his first request to give tuition on the violin to the child of the Gasthaus keeper.
The next morning he gave notice at the patent office.
Rosa worked the bow smoothly across her instrument, moving through the difficult pa.s.sage that led inexorably up the scale to high C, her nemesis. He leaned back in the armchair, eyes closed, evaluating, trying to hear the Rachmaninoff the way the judges would. Rain spattered the closed window, and Millie had lit the lamps in the middle of the afternoon. One week to go, he thought. One week to make a mark, to change the path of the stars that told man"s fate, to mold the universe to one old man"s will.
He was tired all the time now. The earth under his feet tugged at him, bending him out of shape.
Then she faltered once again on the high note and he leaped up from his chair, forgetful of stiff joints.
"No! No! No!" He seized the instrument from her hands. "What have I told you? You aren"t milking cows here! You must glide up the notes like a fish swimming in a river! Like this."
He ran the bow smoothly up and down the scale, arthritic fingers for once remembering how they had moved in their youth when he had been the soloist with the orchestra in Paris and Vienna and at the Albert Hall.
Rosa lowered blond lashes over her ruddy cheeks, and he caught the gleam of tears in the glow of the lamps.
He relented. "All right now. We"ve worked hard enough for one lesson. Perhaps it"ll go better tomorrow, or the next day."
"I"m sorry, Herr Professor. I don"t wish to let you down."
But perhaps he had let himself down? Perhaps if he had stayed longer in the patent office, used the time to think about numbers?
"Let me try it again," she pleaded. "I will get it right!"
He gave her back the violin, thinking about possibilities and life that had a habit of squeezing them down.
His Uncle Jakob had urged something else, but Mama had her heart set on music. And music had been good to him, he could not deny that. He had moved back to Zurich, married his university sweetheart, and raised two young sons in relative comfort. In his orchestra days, he had seen something of the world. He had books and music, and friends around the globe who wrote to him and came to visit. He had had good students-more silvers and bronzes than any other teacher in the canton, and a respectable number of golds. One had even gone on to world- cla.s.s compet.i.tion-he remembered a brief, breathtaking visit to New York.
And now he was at home with the lake and the boat and the crisp Alpine light sculpting the mountains.
If he had been someone like Van Gogh, he would have painted that light. Sometimes he thought about the incandescent heart of distant galaxies, spewing brightness through the universe to break at last under its own weight on the sh.o.r.es of Lake Zurich. It made his heart ache to think of it.
Rosa tried the pa.s.sage again. This time he did not have to wince as she reached high C.
That evening, drinking his coffee with whipped cream and chocolate, sitting beside Millie, hand in hand on the balcony, watching the moon come and go in the scudding clouds over the lake, he thought about the mystery of roads where one made decisions in darkness.
"Do you never wonder, Millie, if your life might have been different?"
"How so, different?" she asked suspiciously.
"Do you never entertain the idea that perhaps you might have done something else with your time, something you might have been better at?"
"No," Millie said.
He sighed. "We could have traveled. We could have seen more of America."
"We could have had problems and divorced!" she said sourly.
He patted her hand. "Never."
The ache persisted, nevertheless.
The next morning, Hans Albert telephoned from Berlin where he was a professor of physics.
"Have you read the newspaper, Papa?"
Behind the telephone in the hall, the wallpaper-Millie"s favorite pattern, clumps of creamy roses festooned with little pink ribbons-glowed in warm sunshine. He stared, imagining the artist making the very first drawing from a real vase of roses, the blooms illuminated by a ray of sunlight falling like a benediction on the studio. In some sense, it was all happening now: the painter, the roses blooming in the garden before somebody cut them, the old violin teacher gazing at wallpaper. The past, like the future, was only a stubborn linguistic illusion.
"Papa?"
"Ah. What should I have read?"
"The war, of course! Don"t you always read about the war in Korea?"