"I made that up about the Queen Elizabeth Queen Elizabeth," said Sterling.
"The rest is true?"
"Oh, Bomar"s a wild one, Miss Daily," said Carmody.
Unaccountably, Miss Daily seemed vastly relieved. She sank down in her chair, and managed to smile. "It is is true," she said faintly. "Thank the Lord. If it had all been made up, oh, I-" She shook her head, and left the sentence unfinished. true," she said faintly. "Thank the Lord. If it had all been made up, oh, I-" She shook her head, and left the sentence unfinished.
"If it had all been made up, you what?" said Carmody.
"Never mind, never mind," said Miss Daily absently. "If it"s all true, I have no regrets."
"What sort of regrets might you have had?" said Carmody.
"Never you mind, never you mind," she crooned. "So, tomorrow I come face-to-face at last with Master Fessenden. Good!"
At the Acme Grille, shortly after eight the next morning, Sterling and Carmody rehea.r.s.ed Stanley Broom for the drama he was about to enact before Miss Daily in the Stockholders" Records Section.
Broom was dressed flamboyantly, and wore an insolent sneer that seemed to invite all the world to slap his fat face. "This can"t take long," he said, "or I"ll get canned."
"Fifteen minutes at the outside," said Sterling. "We walk in together, see-and I introduce you to Carmody and Miss Daily casually. You"re stopping off to see me, your old college buddy, on your way from Monte Carlo to Catalina. Got it?"
"Check," said Broom. "Listen, she isn"t going to take a swat at me or anything, is she?"
"Couldn"t hurt a flea," said Sterling. "She isn"t even five feet tall, and she weighs under a hundred."
"She could still be wiry, wiry," said Broom.
"Naaaah. Now listen, what"s the name of your yacht?"
"The Golden Eagle, and it"s anch.o.r.ed at Miami Beach," said Broom. "I may have the crew bring it around through the ca.n.a.l to the West Coast."
"Who you in love with now?" said Sterling.
"Fifi. I met her at Monte Carlo, and she"s going to follow me to Catalina in a few days, at my expense. She"s got to shake off a count she was engaged to."
"What have you given her so far?" said Sterling.
"Uh-emerald and a blue mink."
"Silver-blue mink," said Carmody. "OK, I"d say we"re in pretty good shape. I"ll go on back to the office, and make sure Miss Daily is there for Bomar"s grand entrance."
Miss Daily was pink with excitement as she sat in the office, waiting for Bomar, and her breathing was shallow. She shuffled papers nervously, accomplishing nothing. Her lips moved, but made no sounds.
"Eh?" said Carmody. "What was that, Miss Daily?"
"I wasn"t speaking to you," said Miss Daily politely. "I was getting things straight in my mind."
"That"s the stuff. Really going to give him a piece of your mind, eh?"
"Bomar, you old dog!" said Sterling in the hall, just outside the office door. "You"re a sight for sore eyes!"
Miss Daily snapped the point on her pencil in a nervous spasm, and Sterling and Broom walked in.
Broom puffed on a preposterously big and foul cigar, and took in the office in a withering glance. "Steerage," he said. "How can you bear it? I"ve been in here ten seconds, and it"s driving me mad."
Miss Daily was white and trembling, but as yet speechless, fascinated.
"Do you mean to say that people really live like this?" said Broom.
"They do," said Miss Daily in a small voice, "if they"re not too lazy or spoiled to help do the world"s work."
"I suppose that"s an insult," said Broom, "but not a very good one, since most of the world"s work isn"t worth doing. Besides, someone has to give his full attention to the finer things in life, or there"d be no civilization."
"Fifi?" said Miss Daily. "Carmella? Juanita? Amber? Collette?"
"You do do keep track of the stockholders down here, don"t you?" said Broom. keep track of the stockholders down here, don"t you?" said Broom.
"I"ve told her a little about you, Bomar," said Sterling.
"I just found out I owned stock in this thing the other day," said Broom, "but apparently Miss Pry here has known about me all along."
"My name is Miss Daily," said Miss Daily, "Miss Nancy Daily."
"Well, get off your high horse, Miss Daily," said Broom. "I haven"t done anything to hurt the lower cla.s.ses."
"You"re what"s wrong with the world," said Miss Daily bravely, her back straight, her lips trembling. "And now that I"ve met you, and seen that you"re worse than I ever imagined you to be, I"m not sorry at all I did what I did. I"m glad."
"Huh?" said Broom, his stride broken. He looked questioningly at Carmody and Sterling, who in turn looked uneasily at Miss Daily.
"Your last dividend check, Mr. Fessenden," said Miss Daily. "I signed your name on the back, and sent it to the Red Cross."
Carmody and Sterling exchanged glances full of horror.
"I did it single-handed," said Miss Daily. "Mr. Carmody and Mr. Sterling know nothing about it. It was only two hundred and fifty dollars, so you won"t miss it-and it"s in better hands than if you"d given it to that shameless Fifi."
"Um," said Broom, completely at sea.
"Well, aren"t you going to call the police?" said Miss Daily. "I"m quite ready to go, if it would satisfy you to prefer charges."
"Well, I-uh-" mumbled Broom. He got no help with his lines from Carmody and Sterling, who were thunderstruck. "Easy come, easy go," he said at last. "Isn"t that right, Sterling?"
Sterling roused himself. "Root of all evil," he said desolately.
Broom tried to think of something more to say, but failed.
"Well, off to Monte Carlo," he said. "Ta ta."
"Catalina," said Miss Daily. "You just came from Monte Carlo."
"Catalina," said Broom.
"Don"t you feel much better, Mr. Fessenden?" said Miss Daily. "Doesn"t it make you happy to have done something unselfish for a change?"
"Yup," said Broom, nodding gravely, and he left.
"He took it like a little gentleman," said Miss Daily to Carmody and Sterling.
"Oh, it"s easy enough for Bomar," said Carmody bleakly, looking with loathing at Sterling, the Frankenstein who"d invented the monster. A new check would have to be made out to the real Bomar, and Carmody could think of no graceful way of explaining to the powers upstairs what had happened to the old one. Carmody, Sterling, and Miss Daily were through at American Forge and Foundry. The monster had turned on them savagely, and destroyed all three.
"I think Mr. Fessenden learned something today," said Miss Daily.
Carmody laid his hand on Miss Daily"s shoulder. "Miss Daily, there"s something you"d better know," he said grimly. "We"re in quite a mess, Miss Daily. That was not Bomar Fessenden III who was just in here, and nothing we"ve said about Bomar is true."
"A joke," said Sterling bitterly.
"Well, I must say it wasn"t a very funny joke," said Miss Daily. "It was quite unkind, treating me like an idiot."
"No-it wasn"t funny at all, the way it turned out," said Carmody.
"Not as funny as my joke about forging the check," said Miss Daily.
"That was a joke?" said Carmody.
"Certainly," said Miss Daily sweetly. "Aren"t you going to smile, Mr. Carmody? Not even a little snicker, Mr. Sterling? Heavens-it really is is time to retire. No one seems to be able to laugh at himself anymore." time to retire. No one seems to be able to laugh at himself anymore."
THE MAN WITHOUT NO KIDDLEYS.
"I done ate twelve barium meals in my time," said Noel Sweeny. Sweeny had never felt really well, and now, on top of everything else, he was ninety-four years old. "Twelve times Sweeny"s stomach"s been x-rayed. Reckon that"s some kind of a world"s record."
Sweeny was on a bench by a shuffleboard court in Tampa, Florida. He was talking to another old man, a stranger who shared the bench with him.
The stranger had plainly just begun a new way of life in Florida. He wore black shoes, black silk socks, and the trousers of a blue serge business suit. His sports shirt and fighter-pilot cap were crackling, glossy new. A price tag was still stapled to the hem of his shirt.
"Um," said the stranger to Sweeny, without looking at him. The stranger was reading the Sonnets Sonnets of William Shakespeare. of William Shakespeare.
"From fairest creatures we desire increase,/That thereby beauty"s rose might never die," Shakespeare said to the stranger. Shakespeare said to the stranger.
"How many times you you had had your your stomach x-rayed?" Sweeny said to the stranger. stomach x-rayed?" Sweeny said to the stranger.
"Um," said the stranger.
"Music to hear, why hear"st thou music sadly?" said Shakespeare. said Shakespeare. "Sweets with sweets war not, joy delights in joy." "Sweets with sweets war not, joy delights in joy."
"I ain"t got no spleen," said Sweeny. "You believe it?"
The stranger did not respond.
Considerately, Sweeny moved closer to the stranger and yelled in his ear. "Sweeny ain"t had no spleen since nineteen hundred and forty-three," he yelled.
The stranger dropped his book and almost fell off the bench. He cowered and covered his ringing ears. "I"m not deaf," he said, full of pain.
Firmly, Sweeny pulled one of the stranger"s hands away from his ear. "I didn"t think you heard heard me," he said. me," he said.
"I heard you," said the stranger, trembling. "I heard it all: barium meals, gallstones, tired blood, and sleepy liver bile. I heard every word of what Dr. Sternweiss said about your gastric sphincter. Has Dr. Sternweiss thought of setting it to music?"
Sweeny picked up the book of sonnets and put it on the opposite end of the bench, out of the stranger"s reach. "You want to make that little bet now?" he said.
"What bet?" said the stranger, very pale.
"See?" said Sweeny, beaming bleakly. "I was right-you wasn"t wasn"t listening! A while back I asked you did you want to bet how many kiddleys we got between us, and you said, "Um."" listening! A while back I asked you did you want to bet how many kiddleys we got between us, and you said, "Um.""
"How many kiddies kiddies?" said the stranger. His expression softened-was cautiously interested! He liked children, and thought the bet was a charming one. "Do we count children and grandchildren-or how do we do it?" he said.
"Not kiddies kiddies," said Sweeny. "Kiddleys."
"Kiddleys?" said the stranger, puzzled.
Sweeny put his hands over the spots where his kidneys were-or had been. "Kiddleys," he said. His error was one of such long standing that it had the ring of authority.
The stranger was disappointed and annoyed. "If you don"t mind, I don"t want to think about kidneys," he said. "Please-could I have my book back?"
"After we bet," said Sweeny craftily.
The stranger sighed. "Would a dime be enough?" he said.
"Fine," said Sweeny. "The money"s just to make it a little more interesting."
"Oh," said the stranger emptily.
Sweeny studied him for a long time. "I guess we got three kiddleys between us," he said at last. "How many you guess?"
"I guess none," said the stranger.
"None?" said Sweeny, amazed. "If there wasn"t no no kiddleys between us, we"d both be dead. A man can"t live without kiddleys between us, we"d both be dead. A man can"t live without no no kiddleys. You got to guess two, three, or four." kiddleys. You got to guess two, three, or four."
"I have lived happily since eighteen hundred and eighty-four without a trace trace of a kiddley," said the stranger. "I gather that you of a kiddley," said the stranger. "I gather that you do do have a kiddley, which makes one kiddley between us. Therefore the bet ends in a tie, with no money changing hands. Now, please, sir-would you kindly hand me my book?" have a kiddley, which makes one kiddley between us. Therefore the bet ends in a tie, with no money changing hands. Now, please, sir-would you kindly hand me my book?"
Sweeny held up his hands, barring all access to the book. "How dumb you think I am?" he said challengingly.
"I"ve gone as deeply as I care to into that subject," said the stranger. "Please, sir-the book."
"If you ain"t got no kiddleys," said Sweeny, "just tell me one thing."