A:There are three lines coming into the office. And I looked around the office, and I realized that there was somebody listening in on line three on every telephone. Everybody in the office was listening in. So I listened in, and I could hear a telephone ringing on the other end.
Q:It was the telephone of Patty Lee Minot ringing in New York?
A:Yes. I didn"t know it at the time, but that"s what it was. Verne tried to tell me what was going on. He pointed to Patty Lee Minot"s picture in the magazine, then he pointed to Miss Hackleman"s desk.
Q:What was going on at Miss Hackleman"s desk?
A:Miss Hackleman was out with a cold, and one of the building janitors was sitting in her chair, using her telephone. He was the one who was making the long-distance call that everybody else was listening in on.
Q:You knew him?
A:I"d seen him around the building. I knew his first name. It was st.i.tched on the back of his coveralls. His first name was Harry. I found out later his whole name was Harry Barker. name was Harry. I found out later his whole name was Harry Barker.
Q:Describe him.
A:Harry? Well, he looks a lot older than he is. He looks about forty-five. Actually, I guess, he"s younger than I am. He"s pretty good-looking, and I think he must have been a pretty good athlete at one time. But he"s losing his hair fast, and he"s got a lot of wrinkles from worrying or something.
Q:So you were listening to the telephone ringing in New York?
A:Yes. And I accidentally sneezed.
Q:Sneezed?
A:Sneezed. I did it right into the telephone, and everybody jumped a mile, and then somebody said, "Gesundheit." This made Verne Petrie very sore.
Q:What did he do, exactly?
A:He got red, and he whined. He whined, "Shut up, you guys." You know. He whined like somebody who didn"t want a beautiful experience spoiled by a bunch of jerks. "Come on, you guys," he whined, "either get off the line or shut up. I want to hear." And then somebody on the other end answered the telephone. It was Patty Lee Minot"s maid, and the long-distance operator asked her if it was such-and-such a number, and the maid said yes it was. So the operator said, "Here"s your number, sir," and the janitor named Harry started talking to the maid. Harry was all tensed up. He was making a lot of funny faces into the telephone, as though he was trying to make up his mind about how to sound. "Could I speak to Miss Melody Arlene Pfitzer, please?" he said. "Miss Who?" said the maid. "Miss Melody Arlene Pfitzer," said Harry. "Ain"t n.o.body here named Pfitzer," said the maid. "This Patty Lee Minot"s number?" said Harry. "That"s right," said the maid. "Melody Arlene Pfitzer-" said Harry, "that"s Patty Lee Minot"s real name." "I wouldn"t know nothing about that," said the maid. Who?" said the maid. "Miss Melody Arlene Pfitzer," said Harry. "Ain"t n.o.body here named Pfitzer," said the maid. "This Patty Lee Minot"s number?" said Harry. "That"s right," said the maid. "Melody Arlene Pfitzer-" said Harry, "that"s Patty Lee Minot"s real name." "I wouldn"t know nothing about that," said the maid.
Q:Who is Patty Lee Minot?
A:Don"t you know?
Q:I"m asking you for the record.
A:I just told you: she was the girl in the cellophane bathrobe in Verne"s magazine. She was the girl in the middle of Male Valor Male Valor. I guess she is what you would call a glamorous celebrity. She"s in the girlie magazines all the time, and sometimes she"s on television, and one time I saw her in a movie with Bing Crosby.
Q:Continue.
A:You know what it said under her picture in the magazine?
Q:What?
A:"Woman Eternal for October." That"s what it said.
Q:Go on about the telephone conversation.
A:Well, the janitor named Harry was kidding around with the maid about Patty Lee Minot"s real name. "Call her Melody Arlene Pfitzer sometime, and see what she says," he said. "If it"s all the same to you," said the maid, "I don"t believe I will." And Harry said, "Put her on, would you please? Tell her it"s Harry K. Barker calling." "She know you?" said the maid. "She will if she thinks about it a minute," said Harry. "Where you know her from?" said the maid. "High school," said Harry. "I don"t believe she"ll want to be bothered just now, on account of she"s got a TV show tonight," said the maid. "She isn"t thinking much about high school just now," she said. "I used to be married to her in high school," Harry said. "You think that might make a difference?" And then Verne hit me on the arm. account of she"s got a TV show tonight," said the maid. "She isn"t thinking much about high school just now," she said. "I used to be married to her in high school," Harry said. "You think that might make a difference?" And then Verne hit me on the arm.
Q:He hit you?
A:Yes.
Q:You"re claiming that he a.s.saulted you before you a.s.saulted him?
A:I suppose I could, couldn"t I? That"s an interesting idea. If I was to hire a shyster lawyer, I suppose that"s maybe what he"d claim. No-Verne didn"t a.s.sault me. He just hit me on the arm to get my attention, hit me hard enough to hurt, though. And then he practically smathered the picture of Patty Lee Minot all over my face.
Q:Smathered?
A:Practically smeared it all around.
Q:And what did the maid say on the telephone when she learned that Harry K. Barker had once been married to her employer?
A:She said, "Hold on."
Q:I see.
A:And then, after she left the telephone, I said, "Hold on," and Verne blew up.
Q:You made a little joke on the telephone, and Verne didn"t like it?
A:I just imitated the maid, and Verne went through the roof. He said, "All right, wise guy, shut your trap. I get to hear your heavenly voice all day long, every day, year in and year out. I am just about to hear the voice of Patty Lee Minot in person, and I"ll thank you kindly to keep your big yap shut. I"m paying for this call. This call is coming out of my hide. You"re welcome to listen, but kindly shut up." Patty Lee Minot in person, and I"ll thank you kindly to keep your big yap shut. I"m paying for this call. This call is coming out of my hide. You"re welcome to listen, but kindly shut up."
Q:Verne was paying for the call?
A:That"s right. The call was his idea. It all started when he showed Harry the picture of Patty Lee Minot in the magazine. Verne told Harry he"d pay a hundred dollars to kiss a doll baby like that, and Harry said it was funny he should say that. Harry told Verne he used to be married to her. Verne couldn"t believe it, so they bet twenty dollars on it, and then they put in the call.
Q:When Verne blew up at you, you didn"t fight back in any way?
A:I just took it. He wasn"t in any mood to be trifled with. It was just as though I was trying to bust up his love life. It was just as though he was having a big love affair with Patty Lee Minot, and I came along and wrecked it. I didn"t say a word back to him, and then Patty Lee Minot came on the line. "h.e.l.lo?" she said. "This is Harry Barker," Harry said. He was trying to be smooth and sophisticated. He was lighting a little cigar Verne had given to him. "Long time no see, Melody Arlene," he said. "Who is this really?" she said. "Is this you, Ferd?"
Q:Who is Ferd?
A:Search me. Some friend of hers who is a practical joker, I guess. Some glamorous, fun-loving New York celebrity. Harry said, "No, this is really Harry. We were married on October fourteenth, eleven years ago, Melody Arlene. Remember?" "If this is really Harry, and I don"t believe it is," she said, "how come you"re calling me up?" "I thought you might like to know how our daughter is, Melody Arlene," said Harry. "You never have tried to find out anything about her over all these years. I thought you might like to know how she was doing, since she is the only baby you ever had." and I don"t believe it is," she said, "how come you"re calling me up?" "I thought you might like to know how our daughter is, Melody Arlene," said Harry. "You never have tried to find out anything about her over all these years. I thought you might like to know how she was doing, since she is the only baby you ever had."
Q:What did she say to that?
A:She didn"t say anything for a minute. Finally she said, in a very tough, tw.a.n.gy voice, "Who is this? Is this somebody trying to blackmail me? Because if it is, you can go straight to h.e.l.l. Go ahead and give the whole story to the newspapers, if you want to. I"ve never tried to keep it a secret. I was married when I was sixteen to a boy named Harry Barker. We were both juniors in high school, and we had to get married on account of I was going to have a baby. Tell the whole wide world, for all I care." And then Harry said, "The baby died, Melody Arlene. Your little baby died two years after you walked out."
Q:He said what?
A:His and her baby died. Their baby died. She didn"t even know it, never bothered to find out what became of her daughter. This, according to Male Valor Male Valor magazine, was woman eternal, every red-blooded male"s dream girl. And you know what she said? magazine, was woman eternal, every red-blooded male"s dream girl. And you know what she said?
Q:No.
A:Sergeant, this Woman Eternal for October said, "That"s a part of my life I"ve blotted out completely. I"m sorry, but I couldn"t care less."
Q:What was Verne Petrie"s reaction when she said that?
A:No special reaction. His piggy little eyes were all glazed over, and he was showing his teeth and kind of gnashing them. He was off in some wild daydream about himself and Patty Lee Minot. over, and he was showing his teeth and kind of gnashing them. He was off in some wild daydream about himself and Patty Lee Minot.
Q:And then what?
A:And then nothing. She hung up, and that was that. We all hung up, and everybody but Verne looked sick. Harry stood up, and he shook his head. "I wish to G.o.d I"d had more sense than to call her up," he said. "Here"s your twenty bucks, Harry," said Verne. "No thanks," said Harry. He was like a man in a bad dream. "I don"t want it now," he said. "It would be like money from her." Harry looked down at his hands. "I built her a house, a nice little house. Built it with my own hands," he said. He started to say something else, but he changed his mind. He shuffled out of the office, still looking at his hands. For about the next half hour, it was like a morgue around the office. Everybody felt lousy-everybody but Verne. I looked over at Verne, and he had the magazine open to the picture of Patty Lee Minot again. He caught my eye, and he said to me, "That lucky son of a gun."
Q:Who was a lucky son of a gun?
A:Harry Barker was a lucky son of a gun, because he"d been married to that wonderful woman on the bed. "That lucky son of a gun," Verne said. "Boy," he said, "since I"ve heard her voice on the telephone, she"s one doll baby I"d give a thousand dollars to kiss."
Q:And then you let him have it?
A:Right.
Q:With his own telephone? On top of his head?
A:Right.
Q:Knocking him cold?
A:I knocked Verne Petrie colder than a mackerel, because it came to me all in a flash that Verne Petrie was what was wrong with the world.
Q:What is wrong with the world?
A:Everybody pays attention to pictures of things. n.o.body pays attention to things themselves.
Q:Is there anything you would care to add?
A:Yes. I would like to put on the record the fact that I weigh one hundred and twenty-three pounds, and Verne Petrie weighs two hundred pounds and is a full foot taller than I am. I had no choice but to use a weapon. I stand ready, of course, to pay his hospital bill.
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(ill.u.s.tration credit 6)
GUARDIAN OF THE PERSON.
"I wish there wasn"t all that money," said Nancy Holmes Ryan. "I really wish it wasn"t there." Nancy had been married for an hour and a half now. She was driving with her husband from Boston to Cape Cod. The time was noon, late winter. The scenery was leaden sea, summer cottages boarded up, scrub oaks still holding their brown leaves tight, cranberry bogs with frosty beards- "That much money is embarra.s.sing," said Nancy. "I mean it." She didn"t really mean it-not very much, anyway. She was enduring the peculiar Limbo between a wedding and a wedding night. Like many maidens in such a Limbo, Nancy found her own voice unreal, as though echoing in a great tin box, and she heard that voice speaking with unreasonable intensity, heard herself expressing extravagant opinions as though they were the bedrock of her soul.
They weren"t the bedrock of her soul. Nancy was bluffing-pretending to love this and hate that-dealing as best she could with the confusing fact of Limbo, of being nothing and n.o.body and nowhere until her new life, until her married life could truly begin.
A moment before, Nancy had launched a startlingly bitter attack on stucco houses and the people who lived in them, had made her husband promise that they would never live in a stucco house. She hadn"t really meant it. had made her husband promise that they would never live in a stucco house. She hadn"t really meant it.
Now, out of control, not really meaning it, Nancy was wishing that her husband were poor. He was a long way from being poor. He was worth about two hundred thousand dollars.
Nancy"s husband was an engineering student at M.I.T. His name was Robert Ryan, Jr. Robert was tall, quiet-pleasant and polite, but often withdrawn. He had been orphaned at the age of nine. He had been raised from then on by his aunt and uncle on Cape Cod. Like most orphaned minors with a lot of money, Robert had two guardians-one for his finances and one for his person. The Merchants" Trust Company of Cape Cod was his financial guardian. His uncle Charley Brewer was the guardian of his person. And Robert was not only going to Cape Cod to honeymoon. He was going to take full control of his inheritance as well. His wedding day was also his twenty-first birthday, and the bank"s financial guardianship was legally at an end.
Robert was in a Limbo of his own. He wasn"t full of talk. He was almost completely mechanical, in harmony with the automobile and little else. His responses to his pink and garrulous new bride were as automatic as his responses to the road.
On and on Nancy talked.
"I would rather start out with nothing," she said. "I wish you"d kept the money a secret from me-just left it in the bank for emergencies."
"Forget about it then," said Robert. He pushed in the cigarette lighter. It clicked out a moment later, and Robert lit a cigarette without taking his eyes from the road.
"I"m going to keep my job," said Nancy. "We"ll make our own way." She was a secretary in the admissions office at M.I.T. She and Robert had known each other for only two months before they were married. "We"ll live within whatever we actually make ourselves," she said. own way." She was a secretary in the admissions office at M.I.T. She and Robert had known each other for only two months before they were married. "We"ll live within whatever we actually make ourselves," she said.
"Good," said Robert.
"I didn"t know you had a dime when I said I"d marry you," said Nancy.
"I know," said Robert.
"I hope your uncle knows that," said Nancy.
"I"ll tell him," said Robert. Robert hadn"t even told his Uncle Charley that he was going to get married. That would be a surprise.
It was typical of Robert to deal in large surprises, to make his decisions in solitude. Even at the age of nine, he had found it somehow important to show very little emotional dependence on his uncle and aunt. In all the years Robert had lived with them, only one remark had been made about the way he kept his distance. His Aunt Mary had once called him her boarder.
Aunt Mary was dead now. Uncle Charley lived on, was going to meet Robert for lunch in the Atlantic House, a restaurant across the street from the bank. Charley roamed all over Cape Cod in a big, sad old Chrysler, knocking on strangers" doors. He was a straight-commission salesman of aluminum combination storm windows and screens.
"I hope your uncle likes me," said Nancy.
"He will," said Robert. "Don"t worry about it."
"I worry about everything," said Nancy.
The Merchants" Trust Company of Cape Cod, as Robert"s financial guardian, had certain duties to perform on Robert"s twenty-first birthday. They had to get him to sign many doc.u.ments, and they had to give him an accounting of their custodianship going back twelve years. twenty-first birthday. They had to get him to sign many doc.u.ments, and they had to give him an accounting of their custodianship going back twelve years.
The bank was expecting him at one-thirty.
There wasn"t anything in particular that Robert"s other guardian, his Uncle Charley, the guardian of his person, had to do on the same day. Under law, Charley"s responsibility for the boy"s person simply evaporated on that day.
That was that-automatically.
But Charley couldn"t let it go at that. After all, Charley had no other children, he loved Robert, and he thought that raising the boy was the best thing he and his wife had done with their lives. So Charley planned to make a sentimental little ceremony of surrendering Robert"s person before the boy went into the bank.
Charley didn"t know about Robert"s marriage, so Charley"s plan was for just two people.
Charley went into the Atlantic House a half an hour before Robert was supposed to arrive. Charley went into the bar side of the restaurant, and he picked a small table for two.
He sat down and waited.
Several people in the bar knew Charley, and they nodded to him. Those who knew Charley well were surprised to see him on the bar side, because Charley hadn"t dared to take a drink for eight years. He hadn"t dared to drink because he was an alcoholic. One small beer was enough to start Charley on a toot that could last for weeks.
A new waitress who didn"t know Charley took his order, went over to the bar, announced the order loud and clear. "Bourbon on the rocks," she said. She said it emptily. She didn"t know that she was announcing big news, announcing that Charley Brewer, after eight dry-as-dust years, was going to have a drink. didn"t know that she was announcing big news, announcing that Charley Brewer, after eight dry-as-dust years, was going to have a drink.