"Well, don"t," I said. "Don"t look at me. How are you doing with the letters?"
"Sid..."
"Admiral." I stood up restlessly, to escape his probing gaze. "Leave me alone."
He paused, considering, then said, "You"ve been speculating in commodities, recently. Have you lost your money, is that it?"
I was surprised almost to the point of amus.e.m.e.nt.
"No," I said.
He said, "You went dead like this before, when you lost your career and my daughter. So what have you lost this time, if it isn"t money? What could be as bad... or worse?"
I knew the answer. I"d learned it in Paris, in torment and shame. My whole mind formed the word courage with such violent intensity that I was afraid it would leap out of its own accord from my brain to his.
He showed no sign of receiving it. He was still waiting for a reply. I swallowed.
"Six days," I said neutrally. "I"ve lost six days. Let"s get on with tracing Nicholas Ashe." He shook his head in disapproval and frustration, but began to explain what he"d been doing.
"This thick pile is from people with names beginning with M. I"ve put them into strictly alphabetical order, and typed out a list. It seemed to me that we might get results from one letter only... are you paying attention?"
"Yes."
"I took the list to Christie"s and Sotheby"s, as you suggested, and persuaded them to help. But the M section of their catalogue mailing list is not the same as this one. And I found that there may be difficulties with this matching, as so many envelopes are addressed nowadays by computers."
"You"ve worked hard," I said.
"Chico and I have been sitting here in shifts, answering your telephone, and trying to find out where you"d gone. Your car was still here, in the garage, and Chico said you would never have gone anywhere of your own accord without the battery charger for your arm."
"Well... I did."
"Sid..."
"No," I said. "What we need now is a list of periodicals and magazines dealing with antique furniture. We"ll try those first with the M people."
"It"s an awfully big project," Charles said doubtfully. "And even if we do find it, what then? I mean, as the man at Christie"s pointed out, even if we find whose mailing list was being used, where does it get us? The firm or magazine wouldn"t be able to tell us which of the many people who had access to the list was Nicholas Ashe, particularly as he is almost certain not to have used that name if he had any dealings with them."
"Mm," I said. "But there"s a chance he"s started operating again somewhere else, and is still using the same list. He took it with him, when he went. If we can find out whose list it is, we might go and call on some people who are on it, whose names start with A to K, and P to Z, and find out if they"ve received any of those begging letters recently. Because if they have, the letters will have the address on, to which the money is to be sent. And there, at that address, we might find Mr Ashe."
Charles put his mouth into the shape of a whistle, but what came out was more like a sigh.
"You"ve come back with your brains intact, anyway," he said.
Oh G.o.d, I thought, I"m making myself think to shut out the abyss. I"m in splinters... I"m never going to be right again. The a.n.a.lytical reasoning part of my mind might be marching straight on, but what had to be called the soul was sick and dying.
"And there"s the polish," I said. I still had in my pocket the paper he"d given me the week before. I took it out and put it on the table. "If the idea of special polish is closely geared to the mailing list, then to get maximum results the polish is necessary. There can"t be many private individuals ordering so much wax in unprinted tins packed in little white boxes. We could ask the polish firm to let us know if another lot is ordered. It"s just faintly possible that Ashe will use the same firm again, even if not at once. He ought to see the danger... but he might be a fool."
I turned away wearily. Thought about whisky. Went over and poured myself a large one.
"Drinking heavily, are you?" Charles said from behind me, in his most offensive drawl.
I shut my teeth hard, and said "No." Apart from coffee and water, it was my first drink for a week.
"Your first alcoholic black-out, was it, these last few days?"
I left the gla.s.s untouched on the drinks tray and turned round. His eyes were at their coldest, as unkind as in the days when we"d first met.
"Don"t be so b.l.o.o.d.y stupid," I said.
He lifted his chin a fraction. "A spark," he said sarcastically. "Still got your pride, I see."
I compressed my lips and turned my back on him, and drank a lot of the Scotch. After a bit I deliberately loosened a few tensed-up muscles, and said, "You won"t find out that way. I know you too well. You use insults as a lever, to sting people into opening up. You"ve done it to me in the past. But not this time."
"If I find the right sting," he said, "I"ll use it."
"Do you want a drink?" I said.
"Since you ask, yes."
We sat opposite each other in armchairs in unchanged companionship, and I thought vaguely of this and that and shied away from the crucifying bits.
"You know," I said. "We don"t have to go trailing that mailing list around to see whose it is. All we do is ask the people themselves. Those..." I nodded towards the M stack. "We just ask some of them what mailing lists they themselves are on. We"d only need to ask a few... the common denominator would be certain to turn up."
When Charles had gone home to Aynsford I wandered aimlessly round the flat, tie off and in shirtsleeves, trying to be sensible. I told myself that nothing much had happened, only that Trevor Deansgate had used a lot of horrible threats to get me to stop doing something that I hadn"t yet started. But I couldn"t dodge the guilt. Once he"d revealed himself, once I knew he would do something, I could have stopped him, and I hadn"t.
If he hadn"t got me so effectively out of Newmarket I would very likely have still been prodding unproductively away, unsure even if there was anything to discover, right up to the moment in the Guineas when Tri-Nitro tottered in last. But I would also be up there now, I thought, certain and inquisitive; and because of his threat, I wasn"t.
I could call my absence prudence, commonsense, the only possible course in the circ.u.mstances. I could rationalise and excuse. I could say I wouldn"t have been doing anything that wasn"t already being done by the Jockey Club. I came back, all the time, to the swingeing truth, that I wasn"t there now because I was afraid to be
Chico came back from his judo cla.s.s and set to again to find out where I"d been; and for the same reasons I didn"t tell him, even though I knew he wouldn"t despise me as I despised myself.
"All right," he said finally. "You just keep it all bottled up and see where it gets you. Wherever you"ve been, it was bad. You"ve only got to look at you. It"s not going to do you any good to shut it all up inside."
Shutting it all up inside, however, was a lifelong habit, a defence learned in childhood, a wall against the world, impossible to change.
I raised at least half a smile. "You setting up in Harley Street?"
"That"s better," he said. "You missed all the fun, did you know? Tri-Nitro got stuffed after all in the Guineas yesterday, and they"re turning George Caspar"s yard inside out. It"s all here, somewhere, in the Sporting Life. The Admiral brought it. Have you read it?"
I shook my head.
"Our Rosemary, she wasn"t bonkers after all, was she? How do you think they managed it?"
"They?" I said. "Whoever did it."
"I don"t know."
"I went along to see the gallop on Sat.u.r.day morning," he said. "Yeah, yeah, I know you sent the telegram about leaving, but I"d got a real little dolly lined up for a bit of the other on Friday night, so I stayed. One more night wasn"t going to make any difference, and besides, she was George Caspar"s typist."