She gave me a cool, half ironic smile in which there was also surprise.
"Goodbye... Sid."
"Goodbye, Louise."
When she"d gone I switched on a table light or two against the slow dusk, and poured a whisky, and looked at a pale bunch of sausages in the fridge and didn"t cook them. No one else would come, I thought. They had all in their way held off the shadows, particularly Louise. No one else real would come, but he would be with me, as he"d been in Paris.... Trevor Deansgate. Inescapable. Reminding me inexorably of what I would rather forget.
After a while I stepped out of trousers and shirt and put on a short blue bathrobe, and took off the arm. It was one of the times when taking it off really hurt. It didn"t seem to matter, after the rest.
I went back to the sitting room to do something about the clutter, but there was simply too much to bother with, so I stood looking at it, and held my weaker upper arm with my strong whole, agile right hand, as I often did, for support, and I wondered which crippled one worse, amputation without or within.
Humiliation and rejection and helplessness and failure.... After all these years I would not, I thought wretchedly, I would d.a.m.ned well not be defeated by fear.
CHAPTER NINE.
Lucas Wainwright telephoned the next morning while I was stacking cups in the dishwasher.
"Any progress?" he said, sounding very Commanderish.
"I"m afraid," I said regretfully, "that I"ve lost all those notes. I"ll have to do them again."
"For heaven"s sake." He wasn"t pleased. I didn"t tell him that I"d lost the notes on account of being bashed on the head and dropping the large brown envelope that contained them in the gutter. "Come right away, then. Eddy won"t be in until this afternoon."
Slowly, absentmindedly, I finished tidying up, while I thought about Lucas Wainwright, and what he could do for me, if he would. Then I sat at the table and wrote down what I wanted. Then I looked at what I"d written, and at my fingers holding the pen, and shivered. Then I folded the paper and put it in my pocket, and went to Portman Square deciding not to give it to Lucas, after all.
He had the files ready in his office, and I sat at the same table as before and re-copied all I needed.
"You wont let it drag on much longer, will you, Sid?"
"Full attention," I said. "Starting tomorrow. I"ll go to Kent tomorrow afternoon."
"Good." He stood up as I put the new notes into a fresh envelope and waited for me to go, not through impatience with me particularly, but because he was that sort of man. Brisk. One task finished, get on with the next, don"t hang about.
I hesitated cravenly and found myself speaking before I had consciously decided whether to or not.
"Commander. Do you remember that you said you might pay me for this job not with money, but with help, if I should want it?"
I got a reasonable smile and a postponement of the goodbyes.
"Of course I remember. You haven"t done the job yet. What help?"
"Er... it"s nothing much. Very little." I took the paper out and handed it to him. Waited while he read the brief contents. Felt as if I had planted a landmine and would presently step on it.
"I don"t see why not," he said. "If that"s what you want. But are you on to something that we should know about?"
I gestured to the paper, "You"ll know about it as soon as I do, if you do that."
It wasn"t a satisfactory answer, but he didn"t press it. "The only thing I beg of you, though, is that you won"t mention my name at all. Don"t say it was my idea, not to anyone. I... er... you might get me killed, Commander, and I"m not being funny."
He looked from me to the paper and back again, and frowned. "This doesn"t look like a killing matter, Sid."
"You never know what is until you"re dead."
He smiled. "All right. I"ll write the letter as from the Jockey Club, and I"ll take you seriously about the death risk. Will that do?"
"It will indeed.
"We shook hands, and I left his office carrying the brown envelope, and at the Portman Square entrance, going out, I met Eddy Keith coming in. We both paused, as one does. I hoped he couldn"t see the dismay in my face at his early return, or guess that I was perhaps carrying the seeds of his downfall.
"Eddy," I said, smiling and feeling a traitor.
"h.e.l.lo, Sid," he said cheerfully, twinkling at me from above rounded cheeks. "What are you doing here?"
A good-natured normal enquiry. No suspicions. No tremor.
"Looking for crumbs," I said.
He chuckled fatly. "From what I hear, it"s us picking up yours. Have us all out of work, you will, soon."
"Not a chance."
"Don"t step on our toes, Sid." The smile was still there, the voice devoid of threat. The fuzzy hair, the big moustache, the big broad fleshy face still exuded good will: but the arctic had briefly come and gone in his eyes, and I was in no doubt that I"d received a serious warning off.
"Never, Eddy," I said insincerely.
"See you, fella," he said, preparing to go indoors, nodding, smiling widely, and giving me the usual hearty buffet on the shoulder.
"Take care."
"You too, Eddy," I said to his departing back: and under my breath, again, in a sort of sorrow, "You too."
I carried the notes safely back to the flat, and thought a bit, and telephoned to my man in gas-bags.
He said hallo and great to hear from you and how about a jar sometime, and no, he had never heard of anyone called John Viking. I read out the equation and asked if it meant anything to him, and he laughed and said it sounded like a formula for taking a hot air balloon to the moon.
"Thanks very much," I said sarcastically.
"No, seriously, Sid. It"s a calculation for maximum height. Try a balloonist. They"re always after records... the highest, the furthest, that sort of thing."
I asked if he knew any balloonists but he said sorry, no he didn"t, he was only into airships, and we disconnected with another vague resolution to meet somewhere, sometime, one of these days. Idly, and certain it was useless, I leafed through the telephone directory, and there, incredibly, the words stood out bold and clear: The Hot Air Balloon Company, offices in London, number provided.
I got through. A pleasant male voice at the other end said that of course he knew John Viking, everyone in ballooning knew John Viking, he was a madman of the first order.
Madman?
John Viking, the voice explained, took risks which no sensible balloonist would dream of. If I wanted to talk to him, the voice said, I would undoubtedly find him at the balloon race on Monday afternoon. Where was the balloon race on Monday afternoon?
Horse show, balloon race, swings and roundabouts, you name it; all part of the May Day holiday junketings at Highalane Park in Wiltshire. John Viking would be there. Sure to be.