My head was clouded with a mix of sadness and hope as I drifted off to sleep, exhausted from all of the emotions that were overwhelming me. I dreamt of my father. He looked as I remembered him but his features blurred slightly; I couldn"t bring him into focus. His hair was peppered with gray, and he opened his arms to me with a bright smile. I ran to him and was immediately swarmed by my new loving family. They gripped me tightly in their arms and all had the same comforting beachy smell.
"I missed you tonight." A voice spoke to me, and I laughed at how much my father sounded like Tucker. "You feeling okay?"
My eyes fluttered open and I was face-to-face with Tucker who had curled up beside me in the bunk.
"I missed your show. I am so sorry. What time is it?"
"Don"t worry about it. I would take a night off if I could, too." He smiled, pushing my hair from my face.
"I called him."
His smile faded and worry took over.
"I thought you might have. I wish you would have let me be with you."
"I needed to do this on my own. Tucker. I can handle it."
His finger traced the puffy skin under my eye.
"Clearly."
"I"m fine. I promise. You don"t need to worry. He wants to see me."
The muscles in Tucker"s jaw began to tick under his skin and I knew he wasn"t fond of the idea.
"I don"t think that"s a good idea."
"He has a family." That seemed to shock Tucker because his eyes widened before his nostrils flared. "It"s okay. I"m happy for him. I have a family now, too." I was grinning from ear to ear, loving the sound of it.
"You always have, Ca.s.s. You have me; you have all of us. You never had to be alone." His thumb slid back and forth over my cheekbone.
"I know that, Tucker. But I owe it to him and to me to get to know him again."
"I"d like to come with you when you do go to see him."
I nodded and he pulled my face closer, placing a kiss on my forehead before pulling my entire body closer to cuddle me. I loved lying in his arms. I felt safe, and no matter what thoughts raced in my head, my heart was full.
I placed my palm on Tucker"s chest, feeling his strong, steady heartbeat under my fingertips as I drifted back off into a dreamless sleep.
The next morning I awoke before the guys as usual and slipped out of bed to make some coffee and work on a new song to help get out some of the feelings. I yawned, my eyes connecting with Donna who was sitting at the table reading over a newspaper.
She looked back down at what she was reading as if she hadn"t even noticed me. I needed to try to make things right between us and let her know that I had nothing but good intentions. I wanted this band together more than anyone and worked hard to keep it that way. Maybe if she saw where I was coming from, she would let up a little bit with her att.i.tude. It was making life on the bus miserable for everyone.
I reluctantly made my way to the small kitchen area and began to prepare a pot of coffee.
"Would you like a cup?" I asked, turning to look at her. She held up her expensive frothy drink, not bothering to glance in my direction. I rolled my eyes as I turned back to the counter. I suddenly felt like I was back in the diner with a b.i.t.c.hy customer who thought she was too good to acknowledge my existence. It was becoming increasingly hard to not give her a piece of my mind.
"Thank you anyway," she said, and just like that, the tension fizzled out of me and I took a deep calming breath. I poured my coffee and dropped in a few ice cubes. I took a seat directly across from her. She glanced up at me, waiting for me to say something.
"I think we got off on the wrong foot," I began, but she held up her hand to stop me.
"This isn"t personal, Ca.s.s. I can tell you are probably a good person and you and Tucker are caught up in this . . . puppy love. I think that is wonderful. Truly. But this is a business, and your relationship is not good for business. Tucker won"t be focused and the fans will turn against him and you. If you loved him, you would be on the first flight back to whatever trailer park he picked you up at."
I knew my mouth was hanging open just waiting to catch flies, but I couldn"t even begin to form a response that didn"t involve me kicking this woman"s a.s.s. She smiled and that just made it worse. I glanced down at my cup and for a brief second entertained the idea of giving her a French roast shower. Her gaze followed mine, and her eyes narrowed.
"This isn"t just me, Ca.s.s. The band and I have discussed it." She lowered her voice as she leaned in closer. "Everyone knows you shouldn"t be here, even Tucker. Unfortunately, he cares about you enough that he doesn"t want to hurt your feelings. It"s sweet, really."
I was certain my heart stopped beating. It clenched painfully in my chest, and the air was knocked out of my lungs.
"I"m going to run some errands. This was a good talk." She winked and slid out of her seat. She slipped off of the bus, leaving me alone to self-destruct. I glanced down at the paper that she had left behind. It was a large picture of the guys from last night"s show. Tucker had a girl on each side with his arms draped around their shoulders, a big smile on his face. I knew in my heart it was probably just fans wanting a photo op, but Donna"s words kept replaying on a loop in my head.
I didn"t know if I was strong enough to handle this anymore.
I didn"t know how long I sat there, staring off at the picture before I crumpled it up and shoved it in the small trash can under the kitchen sink. I was leaning over the counter with my eyes closed when a hand fell on my hip.
"Good morning," Tucker said as he kissed my cheek and walked around me to grab a coffee cup. "How"d you sleep?" He poured the dark, rich liquid into the mug.
"Fine." I turned to face him and gave him a smile. He narrowed his eyes as he took a sip of his drink. "You sure you"re okay?"
"Yeah. I"m fine. Just thinking of that call with my dad."
He smiled as he took a step closer and put a hand on my shoulder.
"Everything is going to be fine."
I nodded but didn"t know what else to say. Suddenly everything felt different. Once again I found myself doubting where I fit into his life.
"I know I was kind of a d.i.c.k about it, but I think you should go see him. You were right. He"s your dad. He deserves a second chance."
That didn"t help. Was he trying to get rid of me? I felt like I was ready to vomit.
"Yeah. I think that would be good."
"Pills," Eric yelled from his bunk, and Tucker laughed, shaking his head. I was happy to put an end to the painfully awkward conversation. I dug through the cupboard and grabbed Eric"s medication and a bottle of water from the tiny fridge.
I walked back to his bunk and stuck my hand just inside the curtain.
"Jesus Christ," Eric squealed as the ice-cold bottle came in contact with his bare chest.
"Sorry!" It was just one of those days.
I slipped into the bathroom and pulled the door closed, leaning over the sink and slowly raising my eyes to look at myself in the mirror. I wasn"t that weak little girl from the trailer park. I could get past this. But my heart still felt like it had been crushed by Donna"s words, and seeing that picture of Tucker caused it to crumble. I wanted to run away. I needed to escape everything that was hurting me deep inside and figure out who I was and what I wanted in life. I needed to see my father. The escape would give me a much-needed break from the tour and get to know my father again. How could I ever really know myself without knowing where I came from? I turned on the sink and splashed water on my face, grimacing at the heavy bags under my eyes. At least they weren"t bruises. I had come a long way and needed to remember that.
A light tapping at the door pulled me from my pity party. I slid it open to see Tucker leaning against the wall and grinning.
"Want some company?" He winked and my heart melted.
"I was thinking about some breakfast." I walked around him, grinning.
"Fine. We can do dessert later."
I grabbed some fresh clothes from the cabinets beside our bunks. I barely had any s.p.a.ce for my belongings now that Donna had taken over the large room at the back of the bus.
"What"s wrong?" Tucker asked as he grabbed clothes from his compartment. I realized I had been scowling as I thought of her.
"Nothing. Just not sure what to wear."
"Sarah really is rubbing off on you." He laughed and I threw a shirt at him and he ducked out of the way. I grabbed a pair of jeans and a purple tank top and stood just as Donna entered the bus. She froze, watching me.
"Leaving?" she asked with a raised eyebrow. I narrowed my eyes at her.
"Going out for breakfast. Want to come?" Tucker was completely oblivious to the tension between us.
"No." She sank down onto the kitchen table bench as she looked around. "What happened to my paper?"
Tucker and I walked between the bunks toward the front door.
"We"re running low on toilet paper. I would check the bathroom," I said.
Eric chuckled loudly from his bunk and I smirked, making sure to look her in the eye as I pa.s.sed.
"You guys all right?" Tucker asked as we stepped out into the parking lot. "I know she isn"t exactly warm to the idea of you being here."
I put my arms around his neck and stared into his deep-blue eyes.
"Everything is perfect as long as I"m with you." I gave him a chaste kiss on the lips before pulling him across the lot to a Denny"s that sat on the other side of the highway.
I never got to finish my coffee and was in desperate need to fill up on caffeine. I wasn"t going to think about any of the drama until I was properly awake and thinking more clearly. Rash decisions had hurt those I loved in the past, and I wouldn"t make those mistakes again. Tucker didn"t deserve to be the victim of my fears; I owed it to him to work it out.
"I want something sugary."
I laughed, looking up at the man I had fallen so hard for. It was hard to sit in this diner and not remember the first day he showed up in my diner. It felt like a lifetime ago and so much had changed, but I still got b.u.t.terflies in my stomach when he smiled at me.
"I like this."
He pulled his eyebrows together, not sure of what I meant.
"I like spending time with you alone without all the outside . . ."
"Bulls.h.i.t?" He smiled, and I couldn"t help but laugh.
"Yes. I like it when we are alone," I replied honestly.
"I like our alone time, too." He raised his eyebrow.
"I"m serious. I miss this. Sneaking off to be by ourselves . . . it"s nice."
"Why don"t we plan an escape? Get a hotel room or something."
"I"d love that."
"Can I get you something to drink?" the waitress asked, and I blushed, not realizing she had been standing at the edge of our table.
"Orange juice for me, please."
"Chocolate milk." Tucker gave her his jaw-dropping grin, and my mind flashed to the image from the newspaper. I shook the thought from my mind and plastered a smile on my face. I needed to trust him. I couldn"t let Donna get inside of my head. But it wasn"t Donna. The picture was there in black and white. That was it. The seed had been planted in a moment of weakness, and now it was festering, sprouting into a full-blown meltdown.
"I"ll also take a coffee, black," I said with my eyes watching Tucker. His eyebrows scrunched together as he stared at me. The waitress went to grab our drinks.
"How is the writing going?"
"It"s going." I could feel myself closing off, and I felt powerless to fight against it.
IT HAD BEEN two weeks since I had made contact with my father, and I had called him four times since our initial conversation. Tucker was apprehensive about me letting him back in my life, but I began to make plans to take a trip to New Orleans for a visit. The band would be busy with new interviews that Donna had lined up, starting with a television interview on the local news channel in Ellisburg. As cruel as she behaved toward me, even I could see how good she had been for the band in the short time she had been with them. Today was proof of that.
I was incredibly excited to see Tucker on television. It wasn"t the first time, but when I had seen him before, it was while we were separated. Back then it had broken my heart seeing him and knowing he was so far away.
"We should go out for drinks. Have girl"s time after this." Sarah propped herself up on her elbows as we kept our eyes glued to the small flat-screen in the front of the bus.
I nodded as the show began and the b.u.t.terflies in my belly took flight. The newscaster was talking about Damaged and showing pictures of the band. I squealed when the camera panned out and the guys sat on a couch next to her.
"They look so good!" I clutched my heart necklace that dangled from my neck. She began her interview asking about tour dates and how they liked life on the road, how well they all got along and all of the other mundane questions that were standard in these interviews.
"We"re like brothers. We fight from time to time, but five minutes later it"s like it never happened." Tucker took a sip from a gla.s.s of water that sat on the small table in front of him.
"Rumor has it you boys will be playing at the Video Music Awards in a few weeks. What have you been doing to prepare for a show like that?" the woman asked.
"We have been rehearsing, just like we do for all of our shows. But the stakes are higher for this gig, for sure. Definitely more nerve-racking." Tucker grinned, and the girls in the audience went crazy.
"I"m sure it"s like riding a bike for you by now. Your touring schedule has been hectic. That must make it difficult to maintain any sense of normalcy . . . or relations outside of the band."
Tucker"s eyes darted off to the left, and I knew he was looking for Donna. He shifted in his seat, clearing his throat before picking up his water and taking another sip.
"Of course it makes it harder, but like any relationship, if you want it to work, you have to be willing to make the time for it." His eyes went to the camera, and I felt like he was staring directly at me. He had just admitted, sort of, that he was with someone, and my heart began to flutter as I raised up on my knees and clutched my arms around myself. It would be major for him to proclaim his love for me to the world, and I didn"t realize how important that was to me until this moment. Most celebrities tried to keep those details private, but after my ambush interview, the cat was let out of the bag. Tucker was told not to confirm or deny his involvement with me, to keep his female admirers happy. I understood, but it definitely hurt.
"Like many singers, most of your songs come from life experiences. What can you tell me about *Empty Sheets"?"
Tucker paused and waited for the fans in the audience to quiet down before answering.
"It"s obviously about someone who had gone through a very tough relationship, and I think a lot of people can really relate to it. Everyone has been hurt or felt alone at some point in their lives," he answered.
"It is heartbreakingly beautiful. You"re a very gifted songwriter."
"Thank you." Tucker ran his hand from the back of his hair to the front.
"Did he just . . ." Sarah sat up and pointed to the television.
"I don"t know." I grabbed the remote and turned off the television as the interview ended, in shock that Tucker seemed to be taking credit for my words. My intensely personal words. This was the only thing in the world that was mine, that I could lay claim to and take some pride in, and just like that it was taken from me.