Wholly Undead

[So, I guess that means I don"t get a couch.] Herrac.l.i.tus, a single male zombie, sighed as he got up from his prayer, and sat on the floor. He reached over to a pile of tomes next to him taking the next one to read.

[Maybe I should have prayed for more tomes?] He thought to himself, as he began to read.

Herrac.l.i.tus began his reading. Today"s topic was on the History of the Lich King, or at least that which was remembered. It was a rare tome he was gifted when he helped an elder undead pa.s.s. It was this tome and a few others.

Herrac.l.i.tus sighed with his vestigial lungs, as he looked to his walls that were lined with tomes.

[I just want a girlfriend that likes to read... I should have prayed for that, but I figured if I had a couch, I could invite Elain at the tome store to come visit and read together.

Elain Piousblight, a female Geist, Owner, and sole attendant of the tome store of the corner of blightstone and south, was considered still young by many, and beloved by the locals. Though her last name was Piousblight, she was a distant relative of the Clan Piousblight of Nogore. She was part of a side branch family, and not considered part of the main branch. As such, Elain did not enjoy any of the boons that the main branch family of the Piousblight Clan was privy too. Nevertheless, no one dared to bring her problems with a surname of Piousblight, and to date no one had ever bothered her business.

As a frequent visitor and fellow lover of tomes, Herrac.l.i.tus Crossett made frequent stops to the store for many years browsing and purchasing a large number of tomes, many of which he would talk over with the owner. Okay, he may now own double of some of these tomes, but it was worth it.

[Tomorrow is the first day of the week. Ugh, I have to go to work, huh?] He looked up to the chronometer on the wall. Herrac.l.i.tus a professional dishwasher for the most prestigious dining establishment of Nogore, the Cavern in the Rough. Inheriting his father"s job at a young age, he continued the job to this day. They paid well since it would be beneath them to pay little, as the best and highest cla.s.s restaurant of the city and represented the face of the Piousblight Clan. This was his compensation for having the worst boss, this side of Deagoth.

[I"d love to know how in the G.o.d-King"s left calcaneus bone is Janet Piousblight related in any way to sweet Elain???] Herrac.l.i.tus" thoughts shifted from work to his boss. For many years he wondered if there was any relation between Elaine and Janet due to the last name, but last year he found they were actually FIRST COUSINS!!!

Herrac.l.i.tus shook his head. Ever since he met Janet, she was a b.i.t.c.h. She, like himself, inherited her position from her parents and became the manager of the Cavern on the Rough. While he knew it was a hard job, why was she only the worst to himself? Was it because he knew her before her coming of age ceremony? She was so nice to him when they were younger, but after they both became adults she morphed into a mega b.i.t.c.h!

"Haaaaa~" Herrac.l.i.tus sighed again, as he was told by the Prophet that even the G.o.d-King would sigh, it made him feel better since it was something he often did and seen odd for within his community.

[Maybe I should save for a couch... Or better yet an evening tomb...] He looked around the room again, at his shelves upon shelves of tomes. This one-room apartment in his holy bone rise only contained one thing, tome shelves lined with tomes.

[Let"s prayer again for that couch.] Herrac.l.i.tus rose and went to his makeshift shrine to the G.o.d-King and faced the direction of the Holy Palace, the throne of the G.o.d-King.

*******

"Hey, Herrabro!" James Shenpopper waved to Herrac.l.i.tus as he went in to take over from the third-shift dishwasher.

"Hey, Popper." Herrac.l.i.tus greeted poorly.

"Did you ask her yet?" James" first question after his greeting, concerned his coworker"s love life.

"No, bro! What am I supposed to do, invite her to sit on my d.a.m.n floor?"

"Take her somewhere else? This is friggin Nogore, not some backwater town. What can"t you do here!"

"Get a couch apparently..." Herrac.l.i.tus glummed.

"Dude, leave the couch out of this! You are so hung up on a couch. Get a d.a.m.n evening tomb! You can"t soul dance on a friggin couch!"

"Yes, the h.e.l.l you can! I was conceived on a couch!"

"I don"t want to know what your parents did to have you, man! I don"t want that thought stuc- Ack! Now it"s in my head!"

"Good for you, move over." Herrac.l.i.tus b.u.mped his Skeletal friend out of the way and began his work within the washroom of the Cavern on the Rough.

It was a good thing, as...

The washroom"s door slammed open with a bang, "f.u.c.king Crossett, you better be watching those dishes! We need them for breakfast this morning!"

Herrac.l.i.tus looked up to see his bosslady, Janet Piousblight storm in, with her usual a.s.s like att.i.tude.

"Yes, Ma"am." He replied respectively.

"James, why are you still here? I don"t pay you if you stay after your shift!"

"Yes, ma"am! I was just leaving. Uh, talk to you later Herrabro." James waved, as he headed out the back door like a bat out of h.e.l.l.

Herrac.l.i.tus continued to wash dishes, as he felt Janet"s gaze on his back. This continued for ten minutes before he cleared his throat.

"Uh, Lady Piousblight. Is there anything I can do for you besides the usual?"

"N-no. I"m just observing you like usual." Janet made herself clear.

"Yes, Ma"am." Herrac.l.i.tus thought that she had become increasingly agitated since the coming of the prophet.

A few minutes later, Herrac.l.i.tus heard a sigh and the sound of the doors opening and closing, as he looked over his shoulder to find that Janet had left. He relaxed, as he continued his job in earnest.

[Janet sighs now too?] He thought as he reached for another stack of plates.

*******

The bell on the door tinged as Herrac.l.i.tus entered the tome store called "The Worm"s Delight." The tome store owned and operated by his crush, Elain Piousblight.

"You"ve come again?" From behind the counter rose the thin figure of the owner.

Herrac.l.i.tus rubed the back of his head, as he chuckled, "Yeah, you can never have too many tomes."

Elain took a stack of tomes and placed them on her counter, as she thumbed through one.

Herrac.l.i.tus looked up from a tome he randomly pulled to ask a question, "Elain, do you believe in the G.o.d-King?"

"You mean what the Prophet said?"

"Yeah?"

"...MMMMmmm... Not really."

"Really?" Herrac.l.i.tus opened his eyes wider, "Why not?"

"G.o.d-King or not, it"s not like it really affects us. He"s still the ruler, but making him a G.o.d? What good does that do? He was already powerful, so is he more powerful? Who cares." Elain shrugged her shoulders.

"I... I see." Herrac.l.i.tus thought that she might be onto something, after all... He prayed and was never answered or worse... His answer was no.

After a bit more banter, Herrac.l.i.tus went home for the day. As he crossed the street to take the walk to his holy bone rise apartment, he looked to the skull star in the sky that marked the position of Saigunrai and the Holy Palace.

"Was the prophet wrong? He made it sound all true." Herrac.l.i.tus muttered to himself.

That night Herrac.l.i.tus prayed again and then went to sleep on the floor per his usual habit of a few tomes propping his head up.

Herrac.l.i.tus was startled awake by the slamming of his door. He rose from his place on the floor to see a pair of undead. His mind cleared quickly from his mind fog to realize that he was staring at a pair of Holy Sentinels!!!

He had read about them... Seen pictures in one of his tomes! These were Holy-f.u.c.king-Sentinels!

He actually screamed out, "I thought Holy Sentinels didn"t leave the Holy Palace!"

One of the Holy Sentinels came to the front of him, who had now gotten to his knees. Only to see that the Holy Sentinel then thrusted a piece of parchment in front of his face.

Unsure what to make of it, he read what was in front of his face.

"By decree of the G.o.d-King, his personal couch from his Office within the Holy Palace was to be given to the faithful undead known as Herrac.l.i.tus Crossett of Nogore.

No one is to control the couch but he who is known as Herrac.l.i.tus Crossett of Nogore. He and no one else may guide the couch. Any who remove, profane, abuse, steal, defraud, or otherwise commit heinous acts to the Couch of the G.o.d-King or the Owner of the Couch of the G.o.d-King will be hunted by the Holy Sentinels per Order of the G.o.d-King.

It has also been declared by the New Pope of the Church of the G.o.d-King, Lucius Belmont of Saigunrai to report to Archbishop Edward for priest training under the Church of the G.o.d-King. Life expenses will be taken over by the Church, and if current residence is not up to par, you may request Archbishop Edward for additional accommodations, and the Couch of the G.o.d-King will be moved by the Clergy.

Signed and sealed,

Lucius Belmont of Saigunrai

Pope of the Church of the G.o.d-King."

The parchment actually had the seal of the G.o.d-King and the Seal of the Pope! SIGNED BY THE NEW POPE LUCIUS! SEALED WITH THE EMBLEM OF THE CHURCH"S HIGHEST ORDER!

Herrac.l.i.tus looked up and gawked, as another pair of Holy Sentinels carried in a large couch and placed it in front of one of his tome shelves. The one in front of him rolled up the parchment, wrapped it with a ribbon, and dropped it on the couch. The Holy Sentinels then all vanished in a flash of light, leaving his door still open, and him still laying on the floor in stark shock and amazement.

"Just... What the h.e.l.l just happened???" Herrac.l.i.tus muttered after a moment.

Dazed for a few minutes, he got up and walked to the couch, and hesitantly touched it. After feeling a combination of darkness and light within it. He quickly went over to his door and closed it, and then jumped on the couch.

It was then that Herrac.l.i.tus believed he had become one with the universe. This, of course, was only within his mind.

To Herrac.l.i.tus it only seemed to be a few minutes, but he heard his apartment door being beaten, he got up reluctantly from his couch to look through the peephole. Thankfully the Holy Sentinels didn"t break it when the busted it in to bring the couch.

"Lady Piousblight?" Herrac.l.i.tus muttered as he opened his door slightly.

"Yes, Ma"am?" He spoke to his lady boss.

"What the h.e.l.l is this notice about you quitting work?!? Why didn"t you tell me you joined the church!? And are you going to leave me outside!???"

"Uh..." Herrac.l.i.tus invited his Lady boss into his apartment.

She looked around the room, and then her eyes rested on the couch.

"You finally got a couch."

"Ummm... Just got it today, actually."

She then turned to him, "Why didn"t you tell me you were going to leave! A two-week notice is nice! Why did the f.u.c.king Archbishop himself show up to tell me you were quitting!? Do you hate me that much!!!???"

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"Ummmm... First off, this is a lot to unpack, and I never hated you... You didn"t have to be such a b.i.t.c.h, but I don"t hate you."

"You think... You think I"m a b.i.t.c.h?"

"Well, yeah... A ma.s.sive b.i.t.c.h! You treat me like s.h.i.t." Herrac.l.i.tus found that the couch gave him unknown amounts of confidence... Perhaps it was in his head, or perhaps it was that he realized that the female undead in front of him no longer had power over him. He was going to see what being a priest meant.

"I-I... It"s... Just..." Janet stammered.

Emboldened, Herrac.l.i.tus stood up for himself, "Well, if I am to believe any of this, the G.o.d-King answered my prays and then some! I don"t have to work as a dishwasher and be s.h.i.tted on every day now. I"m going to go to be a priest!"

"Priest can still marry, right?"

"...What? Well, yeah. You don"t read much, huh?" Herrac.l.i.tus felt smug.

"I Just-"

"Just what? Apologize to me, now that I"m not under your thumb? At least tell me before I kick you out, why you became a ma.s.sive b.i.t.c.h to me when we became adults?!"

With a look of anger, Janet stormed to the door before spitting out, "Because I love you, and your family was poor as h.e.l.l, commoners!!! I come from the main branch of the Piousblight clan, unlike my cousin you love, so much! I can"t marry a commoner, you d.i.c.khole! I talked to the Archbishop in private, and with your new status, you could match mine. I could bring it up to the family, and they could finally get off my f.u.c.king back about marrying some random dumba.s.s but f.u.c.k you."

And just before she was about to slam the door before leaving, "Oh, and by the way, my cousin Elain Piousblight... She likes females... Thought you might want to know, you dense d.i.c.khole."

The door slammed leaving Herrac.l.i.tus alone within his one-room apartment with his couch.

"What the f.u.c.k did I just hear..."