"Of course," I said. It seemed so natural.
"This one," he said, taking up one that was numbered "1," "is a plain photograph, in the flesh, before it started; _you_ know! Now look at this, and this--"
He spread them before me, all in order.
"2" was a little fogged, as if a novice had taken it; on "3" a sort of cloudy veil partly obliterated the face; "4" was still further smudged and lost; and "5" was a figure with gloved hands held up, as a man holds his hands up when he is covered by a gun. The face of this one was completely blotted out.
And it didn"t seem in the least horrible to me, for I kept on murmuring, "Of course, of course."
Then Benlian rubbed his hands and smiled at me. "I"m making good progress, am I not?" he said.
"Splendid!" I breathed.
"Better than you know, too," he chuckled, "for you"re not properly under yet. But you will be, Pudgie, you will be--"
"Yes, yes!... Will it be long, Benlian?"
"No," he replied, "not if I can keep from eating and sleeping and thinking of other things than the statue--and if you don"t disturb me by having girls about the place, Pudgie."
"I"m awfully sorry," I said contritely.
"All right, all right; ssh!... This, you know, Pudgie, is my own studio; I bought it; I bought it purposely to make my statue, my G.o.d. I"m pa.s.sing nicely into it; and when I"m quite pa.s.sed--_quite_ pa.s.sed, Pudgie--you can have the key and come in when you like."
"Oh, thanks awfully," I murmured gratefully.
He nudged me.
"What would they think of it, Pudgie--those of the exhibitions and academies, who say "their souls are in their work"? What would the cacklers think of it, Pudgie?"
"Aren"t they fools!" I chuckled.
"And I shall have _one_ worshipper, shan"t I, Pudgie?"
"Rather!" I replied. "Isn"t it splendid!... Oh, need I go back just yet?"
"Yes, you must go now; but I"ll send for you again very soon.... You know I tried to do without you, Pudge; I tried for thirteen days, and it nearly killed me! That"s past. I shan"t try again. Now off you trot, my Pudgie--"
I winked at him knowingly, and came skipping and dancing across the yard.
III
It"s just silly--that"s what it is--to say that something of a man doesn"t go into his work.
Why, even those wretched little ivories of mine, the thick-headed fellows who paid for them knew my touch in them, and once spotted it instantly when I tried to slip in another chap"s who was hard up. Benlian used to say that a man went about spreading himself over everything he came in contact with--diffusing some sort of influence (as far as I could make it out); and the mistake was, he said, that we went through the world just wasting it instead of directing it. And if Benlian didn"t understand all about those things, I should jolly well like to know who does! A chap with a great abounding will and brain like him, it"s only natural he should be able to pa.s.s himself on, to a statue or anything else, when he really tried--did without food and talk and sleep in order to save himself up for it!
"A man can"t both _do_ and _be_," I remember he said to me once. "He"s so much force, no more, and he can either make himself with it or something else. If he tries to do both, he does both imperfectly. I"m going to do _one_ perfect thing." Oh, he was a queer chap! Fancy, a fellow making a thing like that statue, out of himself, and then wanting somebody to adore him!
And I hadn"t the faintest conception of how much I did adore him till yet again, as he had done before, he seemed to--you know--to take himself away from me again, leaving me all alone, and so wretched!... And I was angry at the same time, for he"d promised me he wouldn"t do it again.... (This was one night, I don"t remember when.)
I ran to my landing and shouted down into the yard.
"Benlian! Benlian!"
There was a light in his studio, and I heard a m.u.f.fled shout come back.
"Keep away--keep away--keep away!"
He was struggling--I knew he was struggling as I stood there on my landing--struggling to let me go. And I could only run and throw myself on my bed and sob, while he tried to set me free, who didn"t want to be set free ... he was having a terrific struggle, all alone there....
(He told me afterwards that he _had_ to eat something now and then and to sleep a little, and that weakened him--strengthened him--strengthened his body and weakened the pa.s.sing, you know.)
But the next day it was all right again. I was Benlian"s again. And I wondered, when I remembered his struggle, whether a dying man had ever fought for life as hard as Benlian was fighting to get away from it and pa.s.s himself.
The next time after that that he fetched me--called me--whatever you like to name it--I burst into his studio like a bullet. He was sunk in a big chair, gaunt as a mummy now, and all the life in him seemed to burn in the bottom of his deep eye-sockets. At the sight of him I fiddled with my knuckles and giggled.
"You _are_ going it, Benlian!" I said.
"Am I not?" he replied, in a voice that was scarcely a breath.
"You _meant_ me to bring the camera and magnesium, didn"t you?" (I had s.n.a.t.c.hed them up when I felt his call, and had brought them.)
"Yes. Go ahead."
So I placed the camera before him, made all ready, and took the magnesium ribbon in a pair of pincers.
"Are you ready?" I said; and lighted the ribbon.
The studio seemed to leap with the blinding glare. The ribbon spat and spluttered. I snapped the shutter, and the fumes drifted away and hung in clouds in the roof.
"You"ll have to walk me about soon, Pudgie, and bang me with bladders, as they do the opium-patients," he said sleepily.
"Let me take one of the statue now," I said eagerly.
But he put up his hand.
"No, no. _That"s_ too much like testing our G.o.d. Faith"s the food they feed G.o.ds on, Pudgie. We"ll let the S.P.R. people photograph it when it"s all over," he said. "Now get it developed."
I developed the plate. The obliteration now seemed complete.
But Benlian seemed dissatisfied.
"There"s something wrong somewhere," he said. "It isn"t so perfect as that yet--I can feel within me it isn"t. It"s merely that your camera isn"t strong enough to find me, Pudgie."
"I"ll get another in the morning," I cried.
"No," he answered. "I know something better than that. Have a cab here by ten o"clock in the morning, and we"ll go somewhere."
By half-past ten the next morning we had driven to a large hospital, and had gone down a lot of steps and along corridors to a bas.e.m.e.nt room.