But she hadn"t counted on not being able to control his shapechanging ability.
Jerry was so used to it himself that he didn"t have to think about it anymore.
Without that, he"d have wound up like Kenneth and the rest. Latham probably wouldn"t figure out exactly what happened, but he"d d.a.m.n sure be paranoid from now on. That would make him even harder to get to.
"Have another?" The bartender looked down at Jerry"s empty gla.s.s.
"Why not?" Jerry slammed the whiskey down before the gla.s.s could make a ring on the polished wood bar.
He sat down next to the grave and tossed pebbles into the newly cut gra.s.s. He didn"t look at Kenneth"s headstone. It made talking to his dead brother seem more stupid than it already was.
"Sorry, I screwed up again," Jerry said quietly. "I don"t know what to do now.
Got any ideas?"
The wind gusted in the treetops, tearing loose leaves with a whistling clatter.
He heard a car pull up down the hill. A car door shut. He turned. Beth was walking slowly up the hill. She waved from below the shoulder. It looked like it took all her strength. Jerry stood and started down to meet her. When he reached her, they hugged silently.
"You didn"t answer at home or at the apartment, so I figured you might be here."
The wind whipped her hair into her face; she pushed it back and held it.
"I wish I"d known you were coming. I"d have done something special," Jerry said.
"I"m not up to anything special right now" She shivered. "I"m not up to staying at the house yet, either. Can we go to your apartment?"
Jerry blinked and opened his mouth, but said nothing. "It"s not that," Beth said. "I just want to be with somebody who cares about me. I just want to be held." Jerry nodded, both disappointed and relieved. She"d given him a big compliment if he was willing to see it that way. "Let"s go," he said.
Jerry did his best to clean up the apartment while Beth unpacked her luggage. He tossed all the dirty clothes in the hamper and stacked his film magazines and books at right angles. Beth opened a drawer and giggled, then held up a pair of crotchless, tiger-print panties. "What"s this?" Jerry covered his mouth for a moment, then recovered. "Relics of a bygone age." He sighed, remembering.
"Veronica."
Beth set them back into the drawer. "Did you really love her?"
"I thought I did. I obsessed about her. I wanted to make her happy. I d.a.m.n sure wanted to f.u.c.k her." He shrugged. "I"ve learned just enough about love to be very confused about it. Maybe I"ve got ape residue in that part of me, or something."
Beth smiled. "I think that part of you is fine. You just don"t know what to do with it."
"Neither does anybody else, apparently. I haven"t had a date in months." Jerry sat down on the couch. He and Veronica had used it often. He tried not to think about that.
"Give it time." Beth sat down on the edge of the bed and shook her head. "Way to go, Beth. Say one thing and do another."
"What are you talking about?"
"Well, when I was in Chicago, I spent some time with an old boyfriend and we wound up in bed together. I think he was just trying to make me feel better."
She bit on an already ragged fingernail. "I knew it wouldn"t help, but I guess I had to prove it to myself anyway. The s.e.x was nice, but it really didn"t matter.
When it was over, Kenneth was still gone. And I"ll never get him back."
Jerry got up quickly and walked over to her, but she was already crying. He didn"t want to start himself. He wanted to be strong for her. "I wish. . ."
There was nothing he could say that would comfort her, and he knew it.
Beth leaned into him and held on tight. He could feel the warmth of her tears through his shirt. "There are some things you can"t really share, and I have to sweat out the worst of this on my own. But, Jesus, I"m glad you"re here." Jerry held her for a few minutes, stroking her hair, not saying anything. She stopped crying and looked up at him with puffy eyes.
"You want a c.o.ke, or something?" He needed something himself, but wasn"t going to drink in front of her. "No." Beth pulled away from him, picked up her overnight bag, and headed into the bathroom. "I just need to go to bed. It"s been a long day."
"It"s been a long year," he said. "And I could use some sleep, too."
Jerry told her his entire supply of stupid jokes before they got into bed. He was tense and wanted to defuse the situation if he could. It had been months, since Fantasy, since he"d actually been in bed with a woman.
Beth turned out the lights and curled up facing away from him. She pulled his arm around her and kissed him lightly on the back of the hand.
"I love you a lot, Jerry."
"I love you, too, sis." She"d never felt more like family to him than now.
Beth slipped into sleep quickly. Jerry had tried for hours, but just couldn"t manage to relax. His p.e.n.i.s had gotten hard a couple of times, but he clamped down on it with his legs until it calmed back down.
Finally, he went to the bathroom for a couple of sleeping pills. He washed them down with a drink of water and looked at himself in the mirror. His face was the same. It hadn"t shown a day of age since Tachyon saved him from apehood. He felt changed, though. Felt like he finally had something to offer people, like his affection and caring made a difference to them. Maybe this was what growing up was.
He resisted the temptation to change his face to Bogart"s and said, "Here"s looking at you, kid." He flipped off the light and went back to bed.
He settled carefully in between the sheets. Beth moaned and jerked her free arm.
Jerry took her gently by the wrist and pulled it down to her side, then kissed her on the back of the neck. She quieted and her breathing became even again. He looked outside. The sky was turning dull red behind the curtains. He hadn"t realized it was that late. Jerry pressed his body close to Beth, closed his eyes, and gave sleep another try.