bellowses; and there wad she lie grumblin a" the time, ca"in me useless _this_, and useless _that_; and I just had to put up wi" it. But, after our first bairn was born, she grew far wa.r.s.e, and I becam mair and mair miserable every day. If I had been sleeping through the nicht, and the bairn had begun a kickin, or whingin--then she was at the scoldin, and I was sure to be started out o" my sleep wi" a great drive atween the shouthers, and her crying--
""Get up, ye lazy body, ye--get up, and see what"s the maiter wi" this bairn."
"An" this was the trade half-a-dizen o" times in a nicht.
"At last, there was ae day, when a" that I had dune was simply saying a word about the denner no bein ready, and afore ever I kenned whar I was, a cracky-stool that she had bought for the bairn cam fleein across the room, and gied me a dirl on the elbow, that made me think my arm was broken. Ye may guess what a stroke it was, when I tell ye I couldna lift my hand to my head for a week to come. Noo, the like o" that, ye ken, was what mortal man couldna stand.
""Tibby," said I, and I looked very desperate and determined, "what do ye mean by this conduct? By a" that"s gracious, I"ll no put up wi" it ony langer!"
""Ye"ll no put up wi" it, _ye cratur_!" said she; "if ye gie me ony mair o" yer provocation, I"ll pu" yer lugs for ye--wull ye put up wi" that?"
"It was terrible for a man to hear his ain wife ca" him _a cratur_!--just as if I had been a monkey or a laupdoug!
""O ye disdainfu" limmer," thought I; "but if I could humble your proud spirit, I wad do it!" Weel, there was a grand new ballant hawkin about the country at the time--it was ca"d "Watty and Meg"--ye have nae doubt seen"t. Meg was just such a terrible termagant as my Tibby; and I remembered the perfect reformation that was wrought upon her by Watty"s bidding her farweel, and threatenin to list. So it just struck me that I wad tak a leaf out o" the ballant. Therefore, keeping the same serious and determined look, for I was in no humour to seem otherwise--"Tibby,"
says I, "there shall be nae mair o" this. But I will gang and list this very day, and ye"ll see what will come owre ye then--ye"ll maybe repent o" yer conduct whan it"s owre late."
""List! ye _totum_ ye!" said she; "do ye say _list_?" and she said this in a tone and wi" a look o" derision that gaed through my very soul.
"What squad will ye list into?--what regiment will tak ye? Do ye intend to list for a fifer laddie?" And as she said this, she held up her oxter, as if to tak me below"t.
"I thought I wad hae drapped doun wi" indignation. I could hae strucken her, if I durst. Ye observe I am just five feet twa inches and an eighth, upon my stokin-soles. That is rather below the army standard--and I maun say it"s a very foolish standard; for a man o" my height stands a better chance to shoot anither than a giant that wad fire owre his head. But she was aware that I was below the mark, and my threat was of no avail; so I had just to slink awa into the shop, rubbin my elbow.
"But the cracky-stool was but the beginnin o" her drivin; there wasna a week after that but she let flee at me whatever cam in the way, whenever I by accident crossed her cankered humour. It"s a wonder that I"m in the land o" the living; for I"ve had the skin peeled off my legs--my arms maistly broken--my head cut, and ither parts o" my body a" black and blue, times out o" number. I thought her an angel whan I was courtin her; but, O Robin! she has turned out--I"ll no say what--an adder!--a teeger!--a she fury!
"As for askin onybody into the house, it"s a thing I durstna do for the life that"s in my body. I never did it but ance, and that was whan an auld schulefellow, that had been several years in America, ca"ed at the shop to see me. After we had cracked a while--
""But I maun see the wife, Patie," says he.
"Whether he had heard aboot her behaviour or no, I canna tell; but, I a.s.sure ye, his request was onything but agreeable to me. However, I took him into the house, and I introduced him wi" fear and tremblin.
""Tibby, dear," said I--and I dinna think I had ca"ed her _dear_ for ten years afore--"here"s Mr W----, an auld schulefellow o" mine, that"s come a" the way frae America, an" ca"ed in to see ye."
""Ye"re aye meetin wi" auld schulefellows, or some set or ither, to tak ye aff yer wark," muttered she, sulkily, but loud enough for him to hear.
"I was completely at a loss what to do or say next; but, pretending as though I hadna heard her, I said, as familiarly and kindly as I could, though my heart was in a terrible swither--"Bring out the bottle, la.s.s."
""Bottle!" quo" she, "what bottle?--what does the man mean?--has he pairted wi" the little sense that he ever had?" But had ye seen her as she said this!--I"ve seen a cloud black when driven wi" a hurricane, and I"ve seen it awfu" when roarin in the agony o" thunder; but never did I see onything that I was mair in fear o" than my wife"s face at that moment. But, somehow or ither, I gathered courage to say--"Hoots, woman, what"s the use o" behavin that way? I"m sure ye ken weel aneugh it"s the speerit bottle."
""The speerit bottle!" cried she, wi" a scream; "and when was there a speerit bottle within this door? Dinna show yoursel aff to your American freend for a greater man than ye are, Patie. I think, if wi" a" that ye bring in I get meat and bits o" duds for your bairns, I do very weel."
"This piece o" impudence completely knocked me stupid, for, wad ye believe it, Robin, though she had lang driven a" my freends frae about the house, yet never did ony o" _her_ freends ca"--and that was maistly every Sunday, and every Coldstream market-day--but there was the bottle out frae the cupboard, which she aye kept under lock and key; and a dram, and a bit short-bread nae less, was aye and to this day handed round to every ane o" them. They hae discovered that it"s worth while to make Patie the bicker-maker"s a half-way house. But, if I happen to be in when they ca", though she pours out a fu" gla.s.s a-piece for them, she takes aye guid care to stand in afore me when she comes to me, between them and me, so that they canna see what she is doing, or how meikle she pours out; and, I a.s.sure ye, it is seldom a thimblefu" that fa"s to my share, though she hauds the bottle lang up in her hand--mony a time, no a weetin; and again and again have I shoved my head past her side, and said, "Your health, Mrs So-and-so"--or, "Yours, Mr Such-a-thing," wi" no as meikle in my gla.s.s as wad droun a midge. Or, if I was sae placed that she durstna but, for shame, fill a gla.s.s within half-an-inch o" the tap or sae, she wad gie me a look, or a wink, or mak a motion o" some kind, which weel did I ken the meanin o", and which was the same as saying--"Drink it if ye daur!" O Robin, man! it"s weel for ye that no kens what it is to be a footba" at your ain fireside. I daresay, my freend burned at the bane for me; for he got up, and--
""I wish you good-day, Mr Crichton," said he; "I have business in Kelso to-night yet, and can"t stop."
"I was perfectly overpowered wi" shame; but it was a relief to me when he gaed awa--and I slipped out after him, and into the shop again.
"But Tibby"s isna the only persecution that I hae to put up wi"; for we hae five bairns, and she"s brought them a" up to treat me as she does hersel. If I offer to correct them, they cry out--"I"ll tell my mither!"--and frae the auldest to the youngest o" them, when they speak aboot me, it is _he_ did this, or _he_ did that--they for ever talk o"
me as _him!--him!_ I never got the name o" _faither_ frae ane o"
them--and it"s a" her doings. Now, I just ask ye simply if ony faither would put up wi" the like o" that! But I maun put up wi"t. If I were offering to lay hands upon them for"t, I am sure and persuaded she wad raise a" Birgham about me--my life wadna be safe where she is--but, indeed, I needna say that, for it never is.
"But there is ae thing that grieves me beyond a" that I hae mentioned to ye. Ye ken my mither, puir auld body, is a widow now. She is in the seventy-sixth year o" her age, and very frail. She has naebody to look after her but me--naebody that has a natural right to do it; for I never had ony brothers, as ye ken; and, as for my twa sisters, I daresay they have just a sair aneugh fecht wi" their ain families, and as they are at a distance, I dinna ken how they are situated wi" their guidmen--though I maun say for them, they send her a stane o" oatmeal, an ounce o"
tobacco, or a pickle tea and sugar, now and then, which is very likely as often as they hae it in their power; and that is a great deal mair than I"m _allowed_ to do for her--me that has a right to protect and maintain her. A" that she has to support her is fifteenpence a-week aff the parish o" Mertoun. O Robin, man!--Robin, man!--my heart rugs within me, when I talk to you about this. A" that I hae endured is naething to it! To see my puir auld mither in a state o" starvation, and no to be allowed to gie her a saxpence! O Robin, man!--Robin, man!--is it no awfu"? When she was first left dest.i.tute, and a widow, I tried to break the maiter to Tibby, and to reason wi" her.
""O Tibby, woman!" said I, "I"m very distressed. Here"s my faither laid in the grave, and I dinna see what"s to come o" my mither, puir body--she is auld, and she is frail--she has naebody to look after or provide for her but me."
""You!" cried Tibby--"you! I wush ye wad mind what ye are talkin about!
Ye have as many dougs, I can tell ye, as ye hae banes to pike! Let your mither do as ither widows hae done afore her--let the parish look after her."
""O Tibby, woman!" said I; "but if ye"ll only consider--the parish money is very sma", and, puir body, it will mak her heart sair to receive a penny o"t; for she weel kens that my faither would rather hae dee"d in a ditch than been behauden to either a parish or an individual for a saxpence."
""An" meikle they hae made by their pride," said Tibby. "I wush ye wud haud your tongue."
""Ay, but Tibby," says I, for I was nettled mair than I durst show it, "but she has been a guid mother to me, and ye ken yoursel that she"s no been an ill _guid-mother_ to ye. She never stood in the way o" you an"
me comin thegither, though I was paying six shillings a-week into the house."
""And what am I obliged to her for that?" interrupted my Jezebel.
""I dinna ken, Tibby," says I; "but it"s a hard thing for a son to see a mother in want, when he can a.s.sist her. Now, it isna meikle she takes--she never was used wi" dainties; and, if I may just tak her hame, little will serve her, and her meat will ne"er be missed."
""Ye born idiot!" cried Tibby. "I aye thought ye a fule--but ye are wa.r.s.e than a fule! Bring your mither here! An auld, crossgrained, faut-finding wife, that I ne"er could hae patience to endure for ten minutes in my days! Bring her here, say ye! No! while I live in this house, I"ll let ye ken that I"ll be _mistress_."
"Ay, and maister too, thought I. I found it was o" nae use to argue wi"
her. There was nae possibility o" gettin my mither into the house; and as to a.s.sisting her wi" a shillin or twa at a time by chance, or paying her house rent, or sending her a load o" coals, it was perfectly out o"
the question, and beyond my power. Frae the nicht that I went to Orange Lane to this moment, I hae never had a saxpence under my thumb that I could ca" my ain. Indeed, I never hae money in my hands, unless it be on a day like this, when I hae to gang to a fair, or the like o" that; and even then, before I start, her leddyship sees every bowie, bicker, and piggin, that gangs into the cart--she kens the price o" them as weel as I do; and if I shouldna bring hame either money or goods according to her valuation, I actually believe she wad murder me. There is nae cheatin her. It is by mere chance that, having had a guid market, I"ve outreached her the day by a shillin or twa; and ane o" them I"ll spend wi" you, Robin, and the rest shall gang to my mither. O man! ye may bless your stars that ye dinna ken what it is to hae a termagant wife."
"I am sorry for ye, Patie," said Robin Roughead; "but really I think, in a great measure, ye hae yoursel to blame for it a"!"
"Me!" said Patie--"what do ye mean, Robin?"
"Why, Patie," said Robin, "I ken it is said that every ane can rule a bad wife but he that has her--and I believe it is true. I am quite convinced that naebody kens sae weel where the shoe pinches as they that hae it on; though I am quite satisfied that, had my case been yours, I wad hae brought her to her senses long afore now, though I had
"Dauded her lugs wi" Rab Roryson"s bannet."
or gien her a _hoopin_ like your friend the cooper o" Coldingham."
"Save us, man!" said Patie, who loved a joke, even though at second-hand, and at his own expense; "but ye see the cooper"s case is not in point, though I am in the same line; for, as I hae observed, I am only five feet twa inches and an eighth in height--my wife _is not the weaker vessel_--that I ken to my sorrow."
"Weel, Patie," said Robin, "I wadna hae ye to lift your hand--I was but jokin upon that score, it wadna be manly;--but there is ae thing that ye can do, and I am sure it wad hae an excellent effect."
"Dearsake! what is that?" cried Patie.
"For a" that has happened ye," said Robin, "ye hae just yoursel to blame, for giein up the key and the siller to her management that nicht ye gaed to Orange Lane. That is the short and the lang o" a" your troubles, Patie."
"Do you think sae?" inquired the little bicker-maker.
"Yes, I think sae, Peter, and I say it," said Robin; "and there is but ae remedy left."
"And what is that!" asked Patie, eagerly.
"Just this," said Robin--"_stop the supplies_."