"It"s just my way," said I; "we canna restrain our heart or our stamach."
The mention o" the last word made the puir creature blush. It even stopped her tears. On hoo little springs do our pa.s.sions depend!
This scene bein acted in the way I hae thus (I hope pretty graphically) described, I began to tak a mair philosophical view o" this important business. With an acuteness as natural to me as to a snip"s tool, I penetrated the prudential course o" my operations in an instant o"
inspired intuition. I fancy it wad smack considerably o" the _inane gotium_ o" supererogation, besides being exposed to the charge o"
antic.i.p.ation, to lay my plan before my readers in the clumsy way o" a chart, where there"s sae guid a pilot. I like to seize a subject as my father did my mother when he courted and won her; or as I did May Walker, when I courted and lost her. To the heart at ance! I premised my operations, by askin Mrs Kennedy, in spite o" the gladiator-like way she had o" handlin her knife and fork, to remain in my house for a day or twa, till we saw whether her husband would ca" upon me, to gie in the names o" him and _his_--alas! what a change!--_his_ dulcinea! In the meantime, Beagle"s precognition was still proceedin; and Gilbert Walker and his dochter wouldna, it was said, relent. For about eight days, Mrs Kennedy sat and watched at the window, to see if she could espy her faithless husband; while I sneaked about, to try if I could ascertain the absolute truth of her story, and the real facks o" my ain deplorable case. My inquiries, conducted under the disadvantage o" being obliged to skulk, and beg, as it were, an answer to my questions, were not very successful. I, however, discovered that a young man, wi" black routhy whiskers, and a long romantic nose juttin out frae amang them, like a promontory frae the side o" a thick wud, was busy courtin May Walker, whase heart had got entangled in the forest o" his face, and couldna be liberated by a" the ruggin o" her father and her friends. This description o" him agreed wi" that I got frae Mrs Kennedy, wha couldna describe the coverin o" his face without tears. I was satisfied it was the man; and my satisfaction was confirmed by a kind o"
recollection--strugglin through the insp.i.s.sated gloom o" the oblivion I experienced after being knocked doon in the Warlocks" Glen--o" the figure o" an Orson-like individual, wi" a great rung in his hand, mixed with the evanescent sounds o" "My love!--my love!--knock doun the spoiler!" which produced, thegither, the conviction that Mr Hugh Kennedy was the very man on whom May Walker was waitin on that eventfu Sabbath, and who felled me sae unmercifully to the earth.
CHAPTER V.
MY TALENTS BROUGHT STILL MORE IN REQUISITION.
Mrs Kennedy and I persevered, with the asperity o" hedgehogs, _echini asperitate_, (Pliny,) in our watch. Ae day, as I was sitting ben the house, where the parish register lies, the puir woman cam rinnin into the room, in a state of dreadful agitation, crying--
"There he"s--there he"s pa.s.sing the very window--comin in, nae doubt, to gie in the names. Ah, traitor!"
"Be quiet, foolish woman," said I. "Awa again to the kitchen. There he is!" (there was now a loud knocking at the door;) "awa wi" ye to the kitchen!"
And I hurried her, _obtorto collo_, by the neck and shoulders, (for the exigency of the case obliterated every trace of my usual gallantry,) to the kitchen, whereinto I locked her, as firmly as guid smith"s wark would permit. The prudence o" this preliminary step needs nae elucidation to them wha ken the nature o" a deserted wife. I then walked calmly to the door, which I opened slowly and decently, as became a session clerk.
"How do you do, Mr Willison?" said a man, with large, black, routhy whiskers, and a prominent nose, o" the aquiline, or romantic cut.
It was the very apparition o" the fever I caught in the Warlocks" Glen.
He pretended never to have seen me before; but a blue mark on my forehead tingled the moment it caught his eye; and, as I unconsciously raised my hand to gie it the relief it asked, he smiled--a fair detection; but I said naething to shew that I recognised him.
"As weel as can be expected," answered I, without mair significancy or intelligence than a babe or suckling would have exhibited.
"That is the answer of a lying-in wife in Scotland," said he, still smiling.
"Unfortunately, nane o" us hae ony experience o" that yet," said I, "if I can guess your errand to a parish clerk."
"You do guess rightly," said he. "I came here to request you, sir, to publish these banns, on the next three successive Sabbaths."
I received the paper he held out. It contained the names and designation o" the twa parties--George Webster, residing at Burnfoot; and May Walker, dochter o" Gilbert Walker, residing at Langacres.
"Where are your certificates o" residence?" said I.
He handed me a certificate, signed and attested wi" apparent regularity, but which I was predetermined to doubt, wi" a" the obstinacy o" a guid dogmatic sceptic.
"I fancy you"ll be the George Webster mentioned here yersel, Mr Hugh Kennedy," said I.
He started, at the very least, three guid thumb-measured inches, frae my floor. The stroke was nearly as pithy as that he applied to me in the Warlocks" Glen.
"That is my name in the certificate, there," said he, recovering.
"I ken that brawly, Mr Kennedy," said I. "George Webster"s your _present_ name; but I forget neither auld names nor auld friends. Some folk, wi" new-fangled notions, hae, now-a-days, three names. Even Mr Meiklejohn, guid man, baptized his son Finlay Johnstone Meiklejohn, to the admiration o" the twa-named congregation o" St Fillan"s; but it canna be expected that, when the laddie comes up, we are aye to address him by his three names. It would be owre great an expense o" wind and time."
"I have neither wind nor time to spend in this foolery," said he. "That is my name in the paper, and there are your fees."
"I dinna want to quarrel wi" you, Mr Kennedy," said I, "because I hae owre muckle respect for Mrs Kennedy--Lucy Graeme, the dochter o" Arthur Graeme o" Sunnybrae, on Tweedside--and her bonny bairn, to get into a dispute wi" the husband o" the ane and the father o" the other. But I can keep a secret, man. What are ye alarmed about? Though ye knocked me doun in the Warlocks" Glen, I hae nae ill-will to ye. I dinna object to cry ye next Sabbath, wi" May Walker; but ae gude turn deserves anither--ye can do me a service."
This statement utterly confounded Mr Kennedy. He tried first to bl.u.s.ter and swear, denied the truth of my a.s.sertion, calmed, bl.u.s.tered again; in short, gaed through a" thae useless and affected turns and movements that a hooked salmon taks the unnecessary trouble to do before it turns up the white o" its wame.
"Calm yoursel, my dear sir," said I. "Mrs Lucy Kennedy is in my power, under my key. She daurna stir. Ye may be married and awa lang afore she kens onything about it, puir thing. We can settle a bit o" ordinar business without the interference o" a woman. I pledge ye ye"ll neither hear nor see her, if ye"ll promise to do me the favour I want aff ye."
He fell back again into a rantin fit--swore he didna understand me--threatened to lick me--seized me by the cravat--took awa his hand again--gaed to the door--returned--calmed--rose, and calmed again.
"What a trouble ye put yersel to, Mr Kennedy!" said I, calmly. "I want naething frae ye o" ony consequence. Ye"re quite welcome to May Walker."
(A sentimental whine here treacherously insinuated itself into my speech.) "She"s a braw la.s.s, and will be a rich la.s.s. Her faither"s ga"
blether"s fu" o" ga" stanes, or as my faither ca"es them, ga" nuts--a decided _icterus_ or jaundice. My parent (ye ken he"s s.e.xton) says he"s sure o" him in sax weeks, and, consequently, ye"re sure o" yer tocher in that sma" period o" time. I dinna want to deprive ye o" a" thae blessings, though it"s in my power, and I might be urged to"t by baith love and revenge."
"What is"t ye want, then?" roared he, at last, in a voice higher than Stentor"s, while the fire flashed frae his ee in almost palpable scintillations o" fury.
"Just get yer sweetheart, May Walker," said I, softly, "to write twa lines to Simon Begley, or Beagle, as they ca" him, the fiscal o" the shire, pa.s.sin frae her charge against me; and ye"ll be cried on Sabbath, afore the congregation meets, and Mrs Kennedy will never hear o"t."
"I"ll admit naething aboot Mrs Kennedy," said he, as doggedly as a mule--"it"s all an invention of the brain of a subtle dominie; but I"ll get ye the line ye want, on condition that these idle fancies are lodged again safely in the addle-noddle where subtlety or folly engendered them, and when self-interest brought them to aid ye in a bad cause."
"It"s dune," said I; "but mark ye, nae cryin till I get the discharge; at least, if I"m forced, as I may be, to do my duty, and ca" the names, there"ll be somebody in the front seat o" the gallery to answer me. Ye understand, Mr Kennedy?"
Dartin a furious look at me, no unlike what a person might fancy o" the minotaur, he flew oot o" the hoose. As he pa.s.sed the window, the yells o" Mrs Kennedy resounded through the house, and even, I believe, followed hard on the heels o" her husband, if they didna owretak him a"thegither, as he birred through the neeborin plantin like an incorporated personification o" fear. The moment he was oot o" sight, I liberated the puir, unfortunate woman frae her place o" confinement.
"Whar is my husband?" she cried--"whar is that dear man, wha, in spite o" a" his guile and treachery, I maun see ance mair, though it were only to hauld up in his face this bairn, and then drap doun at his feet, and dee?"
"Calm yersel, my bonny woman," said I, dautin her on the back like a bairn. "It"s time enough to talk o" deein--a subject my faither likes better than I do--when I hae renounced my endeavours to get ye back yer husband. It"s a" in a fair way. He"s got the shot. Ye may see by the way he ran, he"s got something better than sparrow hail. Be a.s.sured he"ll come doun. A deevil couldna flee wi" the weight o" cauld lead he carries under his wing."
"G.o.d bless ye!" said she, "and prosper yer efforts! I"ll wait yer time."
In twa hours after this, a man on horseback, bespattered wi" the red loam o" the Warlocks" Glen up to the chin, arrived at my door. He cam frae Langacres, and carried a letter, he said, for the session-clerk o"
St Fillan"s. I s.n.a.t.c.hed the letter frae his hands in an instant; tearin it open wi" a" the anxiety o" a creature strugglin for his precious reputation. It was just what I wanted. I asked the man to come in and get some refreshment; and the very instant I had him fairly within the house, I shut the door on him, and, mountin his swift, roan-coloured mare, flew like lightnin to Simon Begley"s. He was at hame. I handed him the letter. He said it was just the very thing he wanted, for he acknowledged that the public authorities had no wish to prosecute a case involvin the ruin o" a puir man; but, until they got out the discharge o" the private prosecutor, they had nae power to relinquish their proceedins. He a.s.sured me that everything was now at an end, and the sough o" the country would dree the fate o" a seven days" wonder.
CHAPTER VI.
A SUCCESSFUL ISSUE TO THE EFFORTS OF MY GENIUS.
Next day, I tauld Mrs Kennedy to dress hersel, and be ready, wi" her bairn and her marriage-lines, to accompany me to a neighbour"s house. We departed thegither. We took the road to Langacres. I felt the necessity here o" the maist inordinate caution--for I never could have been answerable for the effects o" my bein seen at a distance, walkin in my ordinary, erect, bauld, and somewhat martial manner, upon the house o" a jaundiced invalid, wha possessed the idea that I had already a.s.saulted, and endeavoured to abduct his dochter. He might, in the first place, either be placed in a situation o" intense fear and alarm--prejudicial, if not fatal, to an invalid--or he might fire upon me from the windows, wi" ane o" his auld sportin guns, for he was ance a great sportsman. At same time it was necessary to conceal Mrs Kennedy, in case she might hae been recognised by her faithless spouse. We took, therefore, a circuitous route, under the cover o" a wood, that led up to the kitchen door. The moment I entered, the women in the kitchen began to scream and flee awa; but I soon shewed them I was perfectly canny, and even got the length o" bein allowed to daut ane o" them (but she was a little advanced in life) on the back. I was nae langer impeded in my endeavour to see Mr Gilbert Walker, whom I discovered in an arm-chair, as yellow as saffron, and as cankered as a nettle. He tried to start up when I entered; but, heaven be praised! his jaundice sune brought him to his seat again.
"I am come, sir," said I, "in a matter o" the maist interest in nature to you and your dochter May."
"How, sir," screamed he, "can ye dare to sully the name o" that innocent creature, by makin"t run the gauntlet o" thae treacherous lips!
Awa wi" ye, ye vile Nicanor! ye wolf that carries woo on your back in place o" hair! Alas! what a warld is this! "Baith prophet and priest are profane; yea, in my house have I found their wickedness.""