"I dreamt they were all sitting around me and then started disappearing. One by one by..." His tears began. "I am here for you, Highness," she said softly and put her arm around his waist to hold him. * * * Conar woke just after dawn"s first light. Se Huan"s thigh was draped over his, her breath sweet against his shoulder.
Her hand was splayed against the lower part of his belly and he was stunned to find himself aroused.
"Beloved," she whispered in her sleep and drew in a quick breath as her hand dipped lower to caress him.
He turned to her, a violent jerk of his body, a quick fumble with his hard hands. He pushed her over, ignoring her squeal as she came awake. He covered her naked body with his and tried desperately to enter her. He was hard, his manhood thick and pulsing with need, but when he tried to push past the entrance of her v.a.g.i.n.a, his hardness turned to flaccid rejection.
"No!" he snarled, trying still to breech her. "Dammit,no!"
She could hear his frustration, feel the fury pounding through him. She didn"t move; she didn"t put her arms around him, for she knew it would anger him more. She didn"t speak, for words would not have soothed the terrible rage in his dark face. She did not look away, either, for she sensed it would have appeared to him a chastis.e.m.e.nt, a rejection.
He looked into her lovely face, then flipped off of her, turning to his back, his arm flung over his eyes.
"I"m sorry, Se Huan," he told her at last in a choking voice. "I thought I could. I hoped I-"
"Shush. Give yourself time, Highness."
He knew precisely what he needed, but he had no way of gaining it. Sheer willpower did not seem to be enough to rid himself of his guilt over Liza. He sought ways to purge himself of her, staring at him out of the darkness as he sought to betray her. She would always be on his mind, for she was entrenched in his heart. Try as he might, he could not erase the memories of what it was like to hold her, to make love to her. In his daydreams he could feel her warmth, smell her sweet perfume, taste the glory of her on his lips. No, it wasn"t time he needed...it was Liza.
"Tell me how I may help."
His tears became sobs. Not because his grief, his losses, had suddenly reared their vanishing heads, but because his fury was beyond his control. "There"s nothinganyone can do!"
"That may not be so. But you will not know unless you let them try."
Se Huan lay awake, his body cradled in her arms and vowed, come morning, she would seek a solution to his pain; if there was one to be found, she would find it. * * * "A man who has been brutalized can never quite trust anyone again. To trust is a human quality and he doesn"t feel like a human now. They almost succeeded in making him as brutish as themselves, but they didn"t count on his ability to love. Love can override trust. Love is blind." Occultus rarely allowed audiences with females, but this one was special. She had a major role to play in the making of Conar McGregor"s new ident.i.ty. He leaned back in his chair and cleared his throat. "You must understand, Se Huan. They violated him in ways beyond the physical. They raped his soul. The physical aspect of it is pa.s.sing; there is nothing there to see of it; but the stain on his soul is what is causing him such a problem."
"And that is what causes these terrible nightmares?"
"Not altogether. They tried to purge his self-esteem and all but managed to do so. They strove to take away his ident.i.ty, his individuality, his sense of self, of being a man, and that is mostly what causes him pain." Occultus templed his fingers and rested his chin upon them. "What they had not counted on, though, was by the very act of isolating him, they gave him a prominent place in the society of the penal colony. If he had not been the center of everyone"s attention, we might well have lost him."
"I don"t understand, Master."
Occultus sighed. Females were exceedingly stupid. He spoke to her as though she were a r.e.t.a.r.ded child. "If Conar had not felt what little support he had from those around him, minor though it was and well-hidden from those who meant him harm, he would have turned in on himself. He would have become the animal they wanted him to be. As it was, even though the men could notshow him their love and support and respect, he managed to feel it. That is what sustained him, kept him alive. That and his great love for his woman."
Se Huan nodded. "He calls out her name in his sleep."
"He probably always will," Occultus sighed. "It is his one failing, I"m afraid."
"You think love a failing, Master?"
"Not love, Se Huan. His obsession with this one woman."
Until then, Emperor Tran had not spoken. "You think her a bad influence on him?"
"It isn"t a question of influence, Your Celestial Highness; it is a question of her interfering with his destiny." Occultus laid his hands in his lap. "I cannot allow that."
Tran scowled, his handsome face forbidding as he looked at Se Huan. "Is his sleep no better? Perhaps if he rested more, the dreams would leave him."
"He sleeps less and less, Highness," she answered. "It is the same whether I am in his bed or not. When he rises in the morning, he is more tired than when he went to bed. Once the dream wakes him, he rarely goes back to sleep."
"Then why not give him something to insure that he sleeps without dreaming."
Occultus looked at Tran. "I can give him a drug to make him sleep soundly, but I do not wish to do that as yet. He is in training and I would prefer he negotiate the dreams without my a.s.sistance. If he can do so on his own, he will be the stronger for it."
"But he doesn"t seem to be handling them, Occultus," the Emperor said. "Is there nothing you can give him to stop the dreams?"
"The G.o.ds will not allow my help in that way."
"I do not understand."
"The only way he can dispel the nightmare is to break a sacred vow he made long ago. Are the two of you willing to help him do that?" "What kind of vow?" "The vow of Joining." Tran was torn between his desire to ease his wife"s mind regarding their nephew, and in doing so, relieve Conar"s and his desire not to meddle where he might cause irreversible problems. He understood well the code of honor that wouldprohibit Conar from doing something he had taken an oath never to do. Especially the vow of fidelity. "But," Tran began with a frown, "if I remember the transcript from his trial..."
"Yes," Occultus said, "there were the times with the servant girl, Gezelle, but Conar now understands there were other forces making him do what he would not normally have done. He committed adultery. The shame of that bothers him. It is a matter of sins adding to sins with him."
"He would see it as a sin, whatever it is that would be necessary to make these dreams stop?" Se Huan asked. "Yes," Occultus agreed. "But it would help him?" Occultus nodded. "It would guarantee the demise of the dreams." "I would do anything in order to help him, Master." "Even with the knowledge that he might come to hate you for interfering? Would you still be willing to help him disregard his solemn oath to his wife?" "I could live with his hate if I knew I had helped him." "Has he told you what it is he dreams?" "I have asked on several occasions, but he will not tell me." She frowned. "I am not sure he remembers the dreams once he wakes." She looked up. "I was not prying, Master."
"I know, Se Huan. You were concerned." Occultus clasped his hands together and smiled. "Women never pry, do
they Your Celestial Highness?" Tran grinned. "Most a.s.suredly not!" Se Huan blushed beneath her smooth ivory complexion and ducked her head to the gentle teasing laughter Tran aimed her way. "Look at me, Se Huan," Occultus ordered and the girl raised her delicate oval face. He looked at her hands, clasped tightly in her lap as she sat on her heels on the rice mat at his feet. He sighed. The girl was on the verge of tears. "We were not insulting you. It was a jest." "A male-oriented joke, Se Huan," Tran said, smiling. "Tell me, Se Huan. Are you still a virgin or has he managed to breech you?" The girl"s face turned a deeper shade of red. Her lotus petal lips parted in shock. "I am still pure, Master." "I ask because what you will be required to do to help Conar is to give him free access to your body. Let him make love to you. Let him lose that part of himself that is causing the nightmare. I know you have eased his physical needs as you have been instructed, but you have not gone beyond that, have you?" His matter-of-fact tone lessened the severity of her blush, but she was embarra.s.sed by such talk in front of the Emperor.
"He has put his hand on my." she swallowed, "b.r.e.a.s.t.s." Her blush deepened again. "And my legs and...neck." Her voice went low. "And he put his fingers in..." Her voice choked off although her lips moved in a silent finish.
The G.o.ds save him fromhonest females, Occultus groaned inwardly. "But he has not taken your maidenhead even though he has ascertained you still possess it." He hid his smile as the girl winced and shook her head. "Well,that he will have to do if the dreams are to be put to rest." A hesitancy went through Occultus" voice. "If hecan do it."
She looked up at Occultus with hurt eyes. "You think he would be shamed by taking me?"
"He would feel the same with any woman. Conar is an honorable man, and honorable men hold to their vows. To him, he is as married today to the lady as on the day they were joined. He betrayed her before. He never wishes to betray her again. Do you understand?"
"The Empress stressed that to me, Master. I was told not to instigate anything that he did not want to do." Her oval face was blushing again. "But to ease his needs if he would let me."
"I know," Occultus a.s.sured her. "What you do for him is a kindness, Se Huan, but it will take more than his pa.s.sivity to your lips to still these dreams. They are of a nature a woman would find hard to understand. I know what his dreams are, for I have had them myself." He saw Tran"s head turn toward him. "He is unsure of his manhood. He is not certain that he can function as a man. The shame of what he allowed them to do to him eats at his soul. It hurts him so intensely he can not deal with it. It doesn"t matter that he had no control. As he sees it, he let them use him. He doesn"t know what he did to deserve it, but, in his mind, he sees it as a punishment for not being man enough to stop it. The dreams reenforce this notion because of things that have happened in his past. There have been other times when he had no control over the things that happened to him. To not be in control, is to not be a man. In essence, what he feels is unmanned, weak. When he can not sustain an erection in order to enter Se Huan, he feels castrated, in a manner of speaking."
Tran"s brows rose. "That makes sense! Such dreams would be terrifying to a man."
"I would imagine the dreams are of being castrated. That would be, indeed, terrifying."
"How will making love to me help him, Master?" Her head ducked. "Beyond the obvious."
"By taking you, by feeling that rush of s.e.xual release inside your body, he will dispel the notion that he can not function as a true man. Along with that will come his lost self-esteem and self-worth. That is the only cure for his dreams. Are you willing to have him feel guilt for taking you in order that he get a good night"s sleep? What is the worse of the two evils?"
"You trivialize it," Tran said. "It"s more than a good night"s sleep that we are talking about."
"Eventually the dreams will go away, with or without Se Huan"s. It might take a month, six months, even six years. Do we let him suffer that long when we have the means to end his torment?"
Se Huan surprised them by speaking what was uppermost in her mind. "Has his lady been as faithful to him all these years, Master?"
Occultus looked at the girl. "Would that make a difference?"
"If his lady has been a true and faithful wife, it would be wrong for another to try to corrupt him when it is his faithfulness that matters to him. Even if he must live in this nightmare world a little longer before letting his lady be the one to purge him of them. Could she be brought here?"
Occultus shook his head. "That is not within the realm of possibilities at this time."
"But she has been faithful to him?" Se Huan wanted clarification.
"What if she had not?" Tran countered.
"If she has not, then the vows have already been broken. He could not be held accountable for the breaking of his own."
Occultus c.o.c.ked a brow at her, surprised at her wisdom. "He broke the vows before. Many times. I believe the guilt of that is hard for him to bear. She forgave him, but he never forgave himself. He may view his eventual downfall as stemming from his infidelity."
"You think so?" Tran asked. "Then if that"s so, by breaking them again, he fears more hurt."
Occultus agreed. "Whether deserved or not."
"His lady, Master?" Se Huan prodded.
"No, the lady has not been faithful to him." Seeing the fire of hatred beginning to grow in the young woman"s eyes, he
cautioned her, "but you must not tell him."
"But would it not make his decision to take me easier?"
"I would presume so, though he will feel the guilt nonetheless. It is his nature. He loved his wife very much."
"But she betrayed him!"
"Not in the way you mean. She believes him dead, Se Huan. Everyone in his homeland does, except his enemy, Kaileel
Tohre."
"If he weremy husband, I would remain faithful to him evenshould he die!"
"But that is the way of our people," Tran reminded her. "His is not the same culture. They do not see a Joining as we
do."
"It would not matter! I would not want another to touch me after him! It would be wrong."
Occultus nodded. "In Chrystallus, perhaps, but not in Serenia, and certainly not when the lady in question is destined
to be Queen and sit beside the King of that land."
"She is Queen?"
"Yes."
"But his brother is King, is he not? The man they call A"Lex?"
"Aye." It was imperative Se Huan not tell Conar who sat upon the throne of Serenia. He was loath to hurt a man who
had been hurt too much already. "But you must not tell him."
"She sleeps with this man?"
"Unfortunately she has born him children. She has children by three of his brothers. Do you see why we can not tell
him? It would hurt him deeply." "Then she has given up all right to him. I have no qualms about taking him from her!"