"That"s different."
"Not really. I worry about you out here too. Flying those planes is risky business. You"re dealing with high speeds, and heavy machines, and altered engines at unusual alt.i.tudes. You"re looking for problems and trying to set records. That"s about as dangerous as you get," he said grimly. "I keep worrying that you"re going to crash somewhere in one of his d.a.m.n test planes." He looked at her seriously and they both recognized the danger. "Besides, your dad says women pilots can"t fly worth a d.a.m.n." He grinned and she laughed.
"Thanks."
"I know what a lousy teacher you had."
"Yeah." She smiled up at him, and touched his face with her fingers. "I miss you a lot... I miss the days when we used to hang out and talk on our runway."
"So do I," he said softly, and curled her fingers into his. "Those were some special times." She nodded, and neither of them said anything for a long time, and then they walked along the beach for a while and talked about family and friends back home. Her brother hadn"t flown since the air show, and her father didn"t seem to mind. Chris was busy with school now. Colleen was pregnant again. To Ca.s.sie, it seemed endless. And Bobby had started seeing Peggy Bradshaw. She was widowed and alone with two small kids, and Nick had seen him more than once, driving his truck to her little cottage.
"She"d be good for him," Ca.s.sie said fairly, surprised at how little she felt for him. It was only amazing that they had been engaged for a year and a half. They never should have been. "And now sh.e.l.l hate flying as much as he does," she said sadly, thinking of the horrifying accident at the air show. It had been so awful.
"You"d have been miserable with him," Nick said, looking down at her possessively. He wanted to stay right here and protect her, from being used, or endangered.
"I know. I think I even knew that then. I just didn"t know how to get out of it without hurting his feelings. And I really thought I was supposed to many him. I don"t know what I"m going to do," she said, looking out at the horizon. "One of these days everyone"s going to want me to grow up and get out of the sky, and then what am I going to do, Nick? I don"t think I could stand it."
"Maybe you can figure out a way to have both one day. A real life, and flying. I never have, but you"re smarter than I am." He was always honest with her. Most of them made a choice. He had made his. And so had she, for the moment.
"I don"t see why you can"t have both. But n.o.body else seems to believe that."
"It"s not much of a life for the other guy, and most people are smart enough to know that. Bobby was. So was my wife."
"Yeah," she nodded, "I guess so."
They went back to her apartment after that, and talked some more. And he promised to tell her mother all about where she lived. And afterward she drove him to the airport. She got into the familiar Bellanca with him, and she almost cried. It was like going home. She sat there with him for a long time, and then finally, she got out, once he was on the runway.
He looked down at her with the smile she had known and loved all her life, and she wanted to cry and beg him to take her with him. But they had their lives to lead. He had to get back to Illinois, and she had signed a contract with Desmond Williams. Most people would have died for what he had given her, but a part of her wanted to throw it all away and go home to where life was simpler.
"Take care of yourself, kid. Don"t let them take too many pictures." He smiled at her. He still didn"t trust what Williams had up his sleeve. But he felt better about Ca.s.sie now that he had seen her. She had her head on her shoulders. And she wasn"t being snowed by anyone. She also didn"t appear to be in love with Desmond Williams.
"Come back soon, Nick."
"I"ll try." His eyes held hers for a long time. There was so much he wanted to say to her, but this wasn"t the time, or the moment.
"Say hi to everyone... Mom... Dad... Chris... Billy..." She was lingering, wishing he would stay. But she knew he couldn"t.
"Yeah." He looked down at her, wishing he could swoop her up with him. He had wanted to do that for a long time, but he knew now he never would. It wasn"t in their destinies. All he had to do was learn to accept that. "Make sure you don"t run off with Desmond Williams. I"ll come after you, if you do. Course your mama might shoot me for destroying your big chance."
"Tell her not to worry," Ca.s.sie laughed. That was one thing that she was sure would never happen. "Tell her I love her." And then as he revved up his engines, she had to shout at him. "I love you, Nick... thanks for coming."
He nodded, wanting to tell her he loved her too, but he didn"t. He couldn"t. He saluted her, signaled her to step back, and a few minutes later he was circling lazily and dipping his wings over the Pasadena Airport. She watched him as long as she could, until he disappeared, a tiny speck on the horizon.
12.
Exactly two weeks after Nick"s visit to LA, Germany invaded Poland, and the world was aghast at the destruction Hitler wrought there. And two days after that, on September third, Britain and France declared war on Germany. It had happened at last; there was war in Europe.
Ca.s.sie called home to the airport when she heard, but Nick was out, and her father was taking some pa.s.sengers to to Cleveland. She had lunch with Desmond that day, and he had spoken to the President only that morning. There was no question, the United States was planning to stay out of the war in Europe. And it was a relief to hear that. Cleveland. She had lunch with Desmond that day, and he had spoken to the President only that morning. There was no question, the United States was planning to stay out of the war in Europe. And it was a relief to hear that.
She told him she wanted to go home anyway, and Desmond lent her one of his personal planes for the weekend. She had been planning to go home for a weekend since July, and she never had any free time. Sc this was the perfect opportunity, and no one objected.
She landed at her father"s airport late Friday night. She had left L.A. at noon, and got to Good Hope at eight-thirty local time. There was no one there, but it was still light as she came in on the long east-west runway, and taxied to a slow stop. She tied down her plane, and walked to the old truck she knew her father kept there. She hadn"t told anyone she was coming. She wanted to surprise them. And she did. She slipped into the house after nine o"clock that night. Her parents were already in bed, and her mother almost fainted when she walked out of her room in her nightgown the next morning.
"Oh, my G.o.d!" her mother screamed, "Pat!" He came running out of their room and grinned when he saw her.
"Hi, Ma... Hi, Dad... I thought I"d drop in and say hi." She beamed at them.
"You"re a sly one." Her father hugged her with a broad smile, and her mother cooed and clucked, made her an enormous breakfast, and woke Chris, who was pleased to see her.
"What"s it like being a movie star?" her father teased. He still wasn"t completely sure he approved of it, but everyone in town seemed to think it was great stuff, and it was hard to ignore that.
"Nick said you live in a palace," her mother said, as she looked Ca.s.sie over carefully. She looked healthy and well, and other than a good haircut and beautifully manicured red nails, she didn"t look any different.
"It"s a pretty nice place," Ca.s.sie conceded with a grin. "I"m glad to hear he liked it."
They sat around talking about her life in Los Angeles for a while, and finally she got dressed and rode with her father to the airport. She was happy to see all her old friends, and Billy gave a huge whoop of glee as soon as he saw her. She put on a pair of old overalls, and walked out to work on one of the planes with him, and half an hour later she heard Nick"s old truck drive in. And she looked up and grinned. But he didn"t come out to the hangar to see her until lunchtime. She figured he was busy, and she"d see him in a while, but she was happy just knowing that she was near him.
"You guys sure start work late around here," she teased when she first saw him. "I"m at fourteen thousand by four A.M. A.M. every morning." every morning."
"Yeah? How come," he grinned, obviously elated to see her, "you meet your hairdresser up there?" His eyes danced, and his heart was pounding as he looked at her. His feelings for her were beginning to worry him. Maybe it was just as well she was living in California. Lately, it was getting harder and harder to control what he felt about her.
"Very funny."
"I hear the Movietone guys will be here at three"- he grinned at Billy and two of the other men-" better get clean clothes on."
"That"ll be a nice change for you, Stick," she shot back at him, and he leaned against the plane she"d been working on with Billy, and gave her an appraising look. She looked better than ever.
"Did you bring your chaperone with you?" he teased.
"I figured I could handle you myself."
"Yeah," he nodded slowly, "you probably could. Want to go have something to eat?" He invited her in an undertone, which was unusual. It was rare for him to take her anywhere. Usually, they just hung out together at the airport.
"Sure." She followed him to his truck, and he drove her to Paoli"s dairy. They had a lunchroom in the rear, and they made good sandwiches and homemade ice cream.
"Hope this"ll do. It"s not exactly the Brown Derby."
"I"ll manage." She was just so happy being with him, she"d have gone anywhere and loved it.
He ordered roast beef sandwiches for them both, and a chocolate milk shake for her. All he wanted to drink was black coffee.
"It"s not my birthday, you know," she reminded him. She was still impressed that he had taken her out to lunch. She couldn"t even remember the last time he"d done that. If ever.
"I figure you"re so spoiled now, eating beef jerky in the back hangar wouldn"t do it." He shrugged, but he looked desperately happy to see her. They were halfway through lunch, and she noticed he wasn"t eating much, when she realized there was more to it than just taking her out to eat. He looked uncomfortable suddenly and a little worried.
"What"s up, Stick? You rob a bank?"
"Not yet. But I"m working on it." But the jokes ended there. He looked into her eyes and the moment she looked at him, she knew. And she said the words even before he did.
"You"re going?" The words caught in her throat, and her milk shake soured instantly in her stomach when he nodded. "Oh, Nick... no... but you don"t have to. We"re not in it."
"We will be eventually, whatever they say. And I"ll bet Williams knows it too. He"s probably counting on it. He"ll sell a lot of airplanes. I don"t believe all this stuff about the U.S. staying out of it. And it doesn"t matter if we do. They need help over there. I"m going to England to join the RAF. I made some inquiries, and they need all the guys they can get. I"ve got what they need, and no one really needs me here. They don"t need a genius to fly mail runs to Cincinnati."
"But they don"t need you to get shot down in a war that"s not yours." Tears filled her eyes as she said it it "Does Dad know?" "Does Dad know?"
He nodded. He hated telling her. But he had wanted to tell her himself. He had told Pat that the minute he knew she was home, and Pat had agreed to let him tell her. "I told him yesterday. He said he knew anyway." And then he looked at her strangely. "I"ll be back, Ca.s.s. I"ve got a lot of years left to do this kind of thing. And who knows? Maybe I"ll grow up this time. There"s a lot of things I never did with my life after the last one."
"You can do them here, you don"t have to risk your life in order to change what you don"t like in your life here."
"I don"t like how lazy I"ve been, how easy I"ve made it on myself. I just cruised for the last twenty years, because it was easy. It went by so fast I forgot where I was. Now I"m here, I"m halfway through, or thereabouts, and I"ve wasted a lot of time. I"m not going to do that next time." She wasn"t sure what he meant, but it was obvious he had regrets about things he hadn"t done, relationships he hadn"t bothered with. He always thought he had time. And he did. But in some ways he had lacked courage. He had never wanted to get married again, or to care too much about anyone, or get too involved, or have kids of his own. He never wanted to risk anything on the ground. He didn"t want to lose. But he didn"t mind dying. It was an odd kind of cowardice peculiar to most of them; they were brave in the air, but on land they were terrible cowards.
"Don"t go..." she whispered over the remains of their lunch. She didn"t know what to say to stop him, but she wanted to more than anything. She didn"t want to lose him.
"I have to."
"No, you don"t don"t!" She raised her voice at him, and people turned around at other tables. "You don"t have to do anything!"
"Neither did you," he suddenly raged back, "but you"ve made choices with your life. I have a right to that too. I"m not going to sit here while they fight a war without me." They took their battle outside and shouted at each other in the September sunshine.
"Are you so important then? You"re the only flier who can do it right for them? For G.o.d"s sake, Nick, grow up. Stay here... don"t get yourself killed in a fight that"s not yours, or even ours... Nick... please..." She was crying, and before he knew it, he was holding her and telling her how much he loved her. He had promised himself he never would, and now he couldn"t stop himself any longer.
"Baby, don"t... please... I love you so much... but I"ve got to do this... and when I come back, things"ll be different. Maybe you"ll be through playing Skygirl for Desmond Williams by then, and I"ll have learned something I never figured out the first time. I want so much more than I have now... And, Ca.s.sie, I never figured out how to get it."
"All you have to do is reach out and take it... that"s all..." She was clinging to him, and he was holding her, and all she wanted suddenly was to go away somewhere with him and forget the war, but there was nowhere to run now.
"It"s not as simple as all that," he said slowly, looking down at her. There was so much he wanted to say to her, so much he didn"t dare. And maybe he never would. He just didn"t have the answers.
They walked back to his truck hand in hand, and when they got to the airport he drove to the hangar where they kept the Jenny. It was the plane he had taught her in, and she knew without a word where they were going. She got into the front seat, out of deference to him, since the instructor always sat in the rear seat, and a few minutes later they had done all their checks, and were taxiing down the runway. Her father saw them take off and he didn"t say anything. He knew Nick must have told her he was going.
They reached the old airstrip, and Nick let her land, and they sat beneath their familiar tree. She laid her head against him, and they sat in the soft gra.s.s, looking up at the sky. It was hard to believe that there was a war somewhere, and Nick was really going.
"Why?" she said miserably after a while, the tears rolling slowly down her cheeks, and then her eyes met his and he thought his heart would break as he touched her face, and gently wiped her tears away with his fingers. "Why do you have to go?" After all this time, he had told her he loved her, and now he was leaving, maybe even forever.
"Because I believe in what I"m doing. I believe in free men, and honor, and a safe world, and all those things I"m going to defend in the skies over England."
"You did that once. Let someone else do it this time, Nick. It"s not your problem."
"Yes, it is. And I"ve got nothing important to do here. Even though that"s my own fault."
"So you"re going because you"re bored." There was always a little bit of that in all men, that and the spirit of the hunter. But there were good motives there too, and she knew that. She just thought it was foolish of him to go now, and she didn"t want him to get hurt. But he swore he wouldn"t.
"I"m too good to get hurt," he said, teasing her.
"You fly like s.h.i.t when you"re tired," she said, not entirely believing it, but he laughed.
"I"ll be sure to get lots of sleep. What about you?" he said, frowning. "You"re flying those d.a.m.n heavy planes over the desert, don"t think I don"t know the chances you take testing them. Plenty of guys have gotten killed doing it, and they probably flew better than you do." It reminded her of Nancy"s husband when he said it and she nodded. She couldn"t deny the dangers of her job, but she was good at what she did, and there were no Germans shooting at her over Las Vegas.
"I"m careful."
"We all are. Sometimes that"s not enough. Sometimes you just have to be lucky."
"Be lucky... please..." she whispered to him, and he looked at her for a long time, and then without a word, he did what he had wanted to for so long, and never dared. What he had never let himself do, and thought he never would. But now he knew he had to. He couldn"t leave without letting her know how much he loved her. He leaned down ever so gently, and kissed her. And she kissed him back as she had kissed no man before him. There had been no man... only a boy... and now, Nick, the man she had loved since she was old enough to remember.
"I love you," he whispered into her hair, breathlessly, wishing there could be more, but he knew there couldn"t. "I always have... I always will... I want to give you so much, Ca.s.s... but I have nothing to give you..."
"How can you say that?" He broke her heart with his words. "I"ve been in love with you since I was five... I"ve always loved you. That"s all we need. I don"t want anything else." else."
"You should have lots more than that... you should have a house and kids... you should have a lot of things, like all the things they"ve given you in California. But they should come from your husband."
"My parents never had fancy things, but they didn"t care. They had each other, and they built my father"s business from a pile of dirt. I don"t care if we start with nothing."
"I couldn"t let you do that, Ca.s.s. And your father would kill me. I"m eighteen years older than you are."
"So what?" She was unimpressed, all she could think of now was the fact that he loved her. And she didn"t want to lose him. Not after all they"d been through.
"I"m an old man," he tried to object unconvincingly, "compared to you at least. You should marry someone your age and have a mob of kids like your parents."
"I"d probably go crazy if I did. And I don"t want a mob of kids. I never did. Just one or two kids would be fine." With Nick, even the prospect of children wasn"t as daunting as she had once thought it.
He smiled down at her tenderly as he listened to her, trying to talk him into something impossible. He was going to war, and she had a contract to fly planes in California. But he had to admit, he liked the sound of what she was saying. Maybe someday though he doubted it. He"d never be that lucky or that foolish. She deserved so much more than he could ever give her. "I"d love to give you kids, Ca.s.sie... I"d love to give you everything I have to give. But I"m never going to have anything but a bunch of old planes, and a shack at the end of your father"s airport."
"He"d give you half of everything, and you know it. You"ve earned it. You built the business with him. You know he"s always wanted you to be his partner."
"It"s funny, I was so young when I started out that I never wanted to be more than a hired hand, and now I"m sorry. Maybe you"re doing the right thing with that crazy job of yours, Ca.s.s. Make a bunch of money, save it up, and come back where you belong with something to show for it. I don"t have zip, and I never cared... until you grew up, and I realized everything I didn"t have to give you. That and the fact that I"m almost twice your age, and your father would probably kill me for this."
"I doubt it," Ca.s.sie said wisely. She was smarter than he was about her father. "I"ve always thought he wouldn"t be surprised. I think he"d rather I was happy than married to the wrong man and miserable."
"You should be married to a man like Desmond Williams," he said unhappily and she laughed at him. He hated the thought of it, but Williams had so much to give her.
"And you should be married to the Queen of England. Don"t be stupid, Nick. Who cares?" She smiled at him, but he was unconvinced.
"You"ll care, when you"re older. You"re just a kid. You think your sisters are so happy being poor, or your mother?"
"My mother never complains about anything, and I think she is happy. And maybe if my sisters stopped having babies every year they wouldn"t be quite as poor." Ca.s.sie had always thought they had too many children. One or two seemed sensible to her. But Glynnis was expecting her sixth, and Colleen and Megan their fifth, respectively. To Ca.s.sie it had always seemed excessive and a little scary.
He kissed her again then, thinking of the babies he would have liked to have with her, and never would. He would never allow himself the self-indulgence or the selfishness of marrying Ca.s.sie. No matter how much he loved her, or maybe because he did. She deserved so much better.
"I love you, Nick Galvin. I"m not going to run away. Or let you run away from me. I"ll come over and find you, if I have to." And she would too. He knew it.
"Don"t you dare. I"ll have you kicked right out of England if I have to. And don"t you dare let Williams talk you into some G.o.dd.a.m.n world tour. I just smell that"s what he has in mind for later. Just like Earhart. But with the war in Europe now, you won"t be safe anywhere, not in the Pacific, and not in Europe. Stay home, Ca.s.s. Promise me..." He looked desperately worried and she nodded.
"You too," she said softly, and then kissed him, and he had to control himself as he felt her pa.s.sion meeting his own. He lay on the ground next to her, holding her, wishing he could have her forever. "When are you going?" she finally asked him hoa.r.s.ely, as he lay next to her and held her.