A Kind of Hardwork Known as Silence
Youth is always filled with unlimited loss of direction, always asking myself, where is the road to the future? Actually, every person’s road is step by step, created by themselves.
Someone once asked me this question, what is youth? How was your youth like? I think that youth is seeing flowers blossom and then seeing the flowers wilt, a journey that must be experienced in life, something akin to a dream.
In my memory, my youth began when I was twelve and ended when I was eighteen.
For a period of time, the Korean wave was extremely popular in China. It was right when H.O.T. was the most popular, and a lot of my friends watched H.O.T. on television to learn their dance. It was only me who wasn’t interested in the Korean wave so I didn’t take much notice of them.
On a morning in 2001, I was practicing in the practice room for my graduation report. A handsome guy brought a bunch of people to my school to take photos. After taking the photos, he took down my phone number and then told me that on the 27th of December, there was a “H.O.T. China Audition Casting” happening at Changcheng Hotel and that they hoped I’d be able to take part in this compet.i.tion.
Back then I wasn’t very familiar with their company, so I wasn’t that interested and didn’t think much about it. However, a friend of mine had very pa.s.sionate dreams of becoming a star and he was extremely interested in this.
He really wanted to take part in this audition, and he was trying to convince me to go. I didn’t have any strong wishes to do, and seeing that he couldn’t convince me at any rate, in the end he said if I went, he’d pay for all of my transport fee. I thought that there’s no loss for me and so I went to the audition with him.
I just thought I’d try and so I filled in the sign up form and performed some of my talents. After performing, I was called into a room for a talk with the manager. Very seriously, he said to me: “Going to Korea and taking part in training, in the future you’d have a chance at becoming a star of Asia, will your family agree?” As I’ve always been quite independent, I decisively told them that there would be no problem.
When I came out, I never found that person who said he’d pay for my transport fee again. It was when I went back to school did I b.u.mp into him. He said to me with a reproachful tone: “I waited for a very long time that day but I didn’t see you, so I came back to school myself……”
Lucky Person
For a very long period of time, I was waiting for a phone call, but after a long time of waiting, it never came. Until I forgot about this and no longer held any expectations in my heart.
One day, I was taking an afternoon nap when the phone rang. It was an unfamiliar number and I originally thought that it was the delivery man or someone asking me to perform, however the professional introduction of the person on the other end of the line made my heart rate increase for a few seconds.
He introduced himself as a staff of SM Entertainment company and he was informing me that I was selected, however as foreign artists must go through many procedures, they were asking me to wait a while more……
This wait was two years. In this period of waiting, I drifted in Beijing and Shenzhen, I stayed in bas.e.m.e.nts. I really wanted to see if I could get in to Beijing Film Academy’s Performance Inst.i.tute, but I felt that the school fees were too expensive, over ten thousand per year, and this wasn’t something that my family could afford, and so I had to give up. During this time, I also went back to my hometown and taught at Mudanjiang Art School. I taught for ten days there. They gave me one thousand dollars*. My body was in really bad shape at that time and I was sick often, so the money I made were mostly spent.
It wasn"t until 2003 did SM company called me again, saying that I really could sign the contract.
The manager called me and told me many things I had to take note of. I don’t remember much of what he said. I could only remember my state when I received this call. I was filled with infinite excitement and buzz, even felt that my sickness was healed immediately.
I called my mother immediately and she was happy for me. However, she had her own worries. Her son was leaving the country soon and she’d rarely be able to see him anymore.
I could hear the desolation in my mother’s tone, but I didn’t think much about it then, just that this was a pretty good opportunity, I could learn how to dance, sing, and I’d have 4000rmb as pocket money per month. It also includes meals and accommodation. I could also learn more things. I really must seize this opportunity.
After going to SM’s office to report, they gave me quite a few pages of the artist’s contract. I read the contract carefully, but Party B only had one rule and that was to follow all of the plans made by Party A. The contract duration was thirteen years.
When I received the contract, I pondered for a few days. Thinking of how if I didn’t sign this, I wouldn’t have the opportunity and I wanted to learn more things. If I were conned, I’d just come back and sit for college entrance exams. And so, in the end I still decided to sign the contract. As I was too young then and couldn’t be a legal representative, it could only be signed by my parents.
I asked my father to come over and we went to sign the contract together at the office. At the last signing and stamping segment, my father once again asked me cautiously: “Son, isn’t this duration too long, have you thought of this clearly, if not let’s go home and not sign this contract!”
I decisively replied: “Since they’re giving me the opportunity to train, if it doesn’t work out then it doesn’t, I’ll keep dancing.”
Father said: “Okay, if you like it, if this is your choice. You must understand that no matter if you fail or succeed, you must shoulder this yourself.”
In the end, my father signed the contract with tears in his eyes.
After we returned to our accommodation, my father didn’t say anything aside from joke that: “In the end, I sold my son.”
I was so sad when I heard that back then, and so I made a vow to myself in my heart that I’d make it in the future and let my father live a comfortable life.
I didn’t think much about my father’s words in the beginning. Only when I debuted and signed a new contract did I realize that my father had been very clear about it in his heart back then. These experiences, to my growth as a person and my career in the future, were extremely helpful, be it good or bad. Just let it be. If it’s good, you’re lucky; if it’s bad, those are experiences, teaching you a lesson, that you’d have to hold out to continue to last.
Just like this, a contract signed, with a heart full of dreams and unlimited antic.i.p.ations for the future, I went to Korea alone.
When the opportunity that I’ve been antic.i.p.ating for so long finally arrived, I should be delighted, but when this day truly came, in my heart, I was unsettled and reluctant to leave.
954 Kilometers from Home
When you’ve experienced so much separation, you’d fear going to an unfamiliar place more and more. Fearing that you’d be unable to find a place to settle in the dark alone, that you wouldn’t find warmth, but you must leave, and even if the sorrow hits, you had to comply in the end.
Leaving a familiar place just to find an exit in a blurry future. You didn’t know what you’re going to face before you, yet you know that you’d miss this place, miss the people, miss everything and anything about this place.
I still remember at that time; many friends came to see me off at the Capital Airport. Perhaps it was because we were to be separated, the bunch of us that were usually noisy were all pretty silent. Even the person who was in charge of raising the atmosphere usually didn’t speak much. It was until I checked in and received my boarding pa.s.s did they all embrace me one by one, chattering and nagging that I must take care of myself, that if I became tired then I must rest well!
I listened to everything they said. In order to pick up the atmosphere, I pretended to be joking casually and playfully picked on them again.
The announcement sounded in the airport, reminding the pa.s.sengers on my flight to board soon. Once again, I embraced my friends before walking straight into the security check point. I dared not turn back, fearing that if I do, I’d hesitate.
After getting through immigration, I felt like there’s something strong tugging on my heart. My heart hurt slightly, and at this point I finally stopped holding it in. My tears fell uncontrollably.
954 kilometers. 1 hour and 20 minutes flying. Finally, I safely arrived at Seoul’s Incheon Airport.
The plane touched down. The first time I looked at this foreign country. Slightly surprised, slightly lost.
The signboards were written in Korean, a language I did not recognise. The people pa.s.sing me by were speaking in a language I did not know. I felt like I was a lost child in the foggy darkness, couldn’t see the road before me clearly. I suddenly felt suffocated.
It was a good thing that the guide sent by the company recognized me and led me out of the airport, onto the car to report directly to the company.
Life as a trainee in Korea was fulfilling everyday, but also very harsh. You weren’t allowed to get sick, take a leave, own a cell phone, go home whenever you want……there were many other rules as harsh and strict as this one. Every single day, there were trainees who were told to leave because they didn’t meet certain requirements or gave up on their own because they couldn’t take it……
During that period of time, when I was under great pressure, I could cry, but during the time when I was drifting to and fro, I didn’t even have time to shed tears, for I had to use that time to make a living for myself and think of ways to fill my stomach.
When I was training, I had fractured my bone for two months without even knowing. It wasn’t until I was doing pushups one day and felt the pain that I went to get an x-ray at the hospital that the doctor told me: “Your arm has been fractured for two months. It already grew back.”
Apart from the overload of training, to maintain my figure, I had to withstand hunger daily. I couldn’t eat staple foods. Sometimes my lunch would just be a small piece of bread. When I became too hungry, I could only drink water one mouthful at a time in order to push back the hunger. Every trainee had to go through “camera tests” regularly to see if they require plastic surgery before they debut.
My body was tired, and I had to withstand hunger, many times after practice I’d be friend and I’d lie on the floor of the practice room to rest. Every time I thought of giving up, I’d tell myself, just a bit more, persist just a bit more!
My Korean was really bad and so I had spent a long time every day learning Korean. I was very serious in learning then, writing notes on pieces of paper daily just like learning English: Annyeonghaseyo…… My wall was filled with small notes, I’d fall asleep staring at them daily…… Thanks to my insistence, I can basically speak fluent Korean now.
In the beginning, I thought that Korean was quite simple, even going as far as using Chinese characters to take note of their p.r.o.nunciation. Along with the manager’s lessons, I could communicate in basic Korean with the locals within a week or two. However, the more I learned, the more I realized that Korean wasn’t easy to learn. There were many rules. The Korean language had honorifics, less formal tones and words to be used in casual conversations with friends. However, in the beginning, I only knew the basic, less formal tones, so no matter whom I was speaking to, I’d use that. In reality, the concept of seniority is extremely strong in Korean and if you didn’t use honorifics to seniors, there can be misunderstandings easily. At one point in time, the company staff were offended by my Korean, thinking that this Chinese boy was rude, and after realizing this mistake, I began studying even harder.
I couldn’t get used to the Korean culture and ethical code in the beginning. The strict seniority code (Elders can publicly discipline the younger, seniors can discipline juniors, the lack of mutual understanding and misunderstandings resulted in me having few friends when I was a trainee.
Tired, hurt, I had to shoulder them myself. In the time that belonged to myself, I really wanted to call my mother, but when the call connected and I heard my mother’s familiar voice, I pushed back all the complaints I had already thought of and switched to a carefree tone while conversing with her so that she wouldn’t have to worry about me.
The Chinese New Year of 2005, I had a really short break and I didn’t have much money so I could only remain in the dorm. I watched Chinese channels, and when I saw the lively atmosphere for the Chinese Sprint Festival Concert, I missed home even more. My mother would initiate a call with me, using a slightly down and lonely tone, she’d tell me: “We’re making dumplings right now, how good would it be if you could be home to eat the ones I made.” When I heard this, the sorrow in my heart rushed to the surface, but I could only swallow them down again as I choked out: “Mom, I promise you, I’d try my best to go home for the new year next year……”
With no friends, no family and no one to share my pain, I could only practice even harder. Sometimes, in order to perfect a dance routine, I’d stay in the practice room alone for hours.
I remember that countless nights, those days when the snow fell heavily, my heart was bitter and tired. When the pressure was so heavy that I couldn’t breathe, I’d stand on the balcony alone and look at the traffic before shouting at the sky to cheer myself on.
And today, when I reminisce on past experiences, looking at the sky do I know that, actually, the hardest times in my life are over. The once hysterical yells and indecisiveness have morphed into the most charismatic dance steps on stage. The once cruel days, heartless groundings and hardship resulted in the strong me today.
I Think that Perhaps, I’m a Child of the Night
Stumbling along the way but still full of hope. Up till this point in my journey, I’ve already gotten used to searching in this life without orientation, finding my own life and direction.
There was a period of time when I listened to a song called “Astringent”. The t.i.tle only has one word, really simple. The song had just one instrument – guitar, yet something about this simple song tugged on my heartstrings, and perhaps it was the slightly vicissitude voice of the singer or certain lyrics made me remember certain hardship and bitterness of the past. I even had the illusion that this song was probably written about me.
I think that perhaps, I should be a wilted flower
If not, why can’t I blossom?
I think that perhaps, I am a child of the night
If not, why do I fear the sunshine?
I desire to be a dragonfly flying alone
Freely around the beautiful flower bushes
How I wished I was a firefly
So that every night of mine would have light
Is it that all sparrows die in winter?
Is it that all humans lose their intuitive knowledge in money?
Is it that only the poorest children can sing the most beautiful song?
Is it that only drifters can understand the bitter astringency of life?
----“Astringent”
After listening to such a song, countless memories surged forth in my mind. Out of them, one specific memory never dissipated.
When I was a trainee in SM company, they applied for a travel visa for me, so every three months, I had to go back to China to extend it. That was probably when I was the most hesitant and lost. SM had many trainees and the compet.i.tion was extremely fierce, every single day there were new trainees joining, old trainnees leaving, scenes of elimination and giving up happened every single day……
We had nearly 20 hours of training daily, including dance, vocals, piano, performance and others. However, what seemed longer and harder to bear than this military-styled training was the drifting and ambiguous future.
One day, I finally succ.u.mbed to the heavy weight of training. The summer was too hot and the extended exhaustion resulted in me having a heat stroke and fainting in the practice room. I went to the hospital and they said it was nothing serious so I was given special approval to rest in the dormitory.
When I was in a daze, I felt that my dorm mate was putting away his things. Although I was really weak, I forced myself to consciousness. I looked towards his bed and he had already packed his things into a suitcase. I almost jumped out of bed to ask him why, and he smiled to be bitterly: “Too tired, my body isn’t well anymore, I can’t continue anymore so I’m going back to China. You must fight on!”
I could feel the sense of loss in his heart, and I can read the sorrow behind his bitter smile. It was just that I couldn’t do much except for bid farewell with him for the last time.
Although I was still sick, despite him rejecting countless times, I insisted on sending him to Incheon Airport. He didn’t say much on the way to the airport. He only sighed continuously. His sighs made the atmosphere in the car tense. I know that his heart must be filled with infinite disappointment and resignation. I wanted to comfort him but I was afraid that I’d make it worse, and so I could only remain silent. The car drove for over 40 minutes. I helped him with his luggage. Later on, he gave his guitar to me. It was too valuable of a gift and I wasn’t willing to accept it.
He said one sentence and I stopped rejecting it then. That sentence is still clear in my mind even until now. His exact words were: “I originally brought this guitar here so that I’d have something to accompany me when I was lonely, to find sustenance in, now that I’m going back, I have my family there and I won’t be lonely, and so I can leave it to you, when you’re lonely, just practice the guitar.”
Under his insistence, I accepted this previous gift. We simply hugged at Incheon Airport and he walked into the security area without looking back.
It was another separation. I stood outside the security check point, looking at his retreating back view until he disappeared in the crowd.
Later on, I could no longer contact him. We never met again.
After he left, no new student moved in yet. I once had someone I could talk to but only I was left in the empty room then. Countless nights after intense practice, my tired body would lie on the bed and the dance steps of that day would replay again and again in my mind. For a very long period of time, I’d awake up suddenly in the middle of the night only because I didn’t master a dance step. There was always a strong sense of oppression in my dream, or I dreamed that I was sent back. My dreams were of endless wasteland and no sense of direction.
To comfort myself and for myself to stop having nightmares, every time I jerk awake, I’d get up to revise the things I learned the day before. Perhaps the more pressure you put on yourself, the faster you’d improve. And so during every evaluation, my results were always one of the highest; very quickly, I rose from cla.s.s C to cla.s.s A.
In the environment where everyone was insecure, it’s not a good thing to be ranked so high. If you’re too far ahead of everyone else, you’d be the target of the ma.s.ses, if you were falling too much behind everyone else, it was highly likely that you’d be eliminated.
During that period of time, I went straight to the dorm after practice to play the guitar my dorm mate gifted me. I learned many songs, and with the companionship of the guitar, I didn’t feel that lonely or afraid anymore.
When I was in Korea, every day was just me going from one location to the other. The company’s practice room to the form, resulting in the fact that even though I’d been in Korea for a few years, I did not understand anything about the country.
Once, I decided to go out and look around during my break. I went to Dongdaemun alone and saw many things. I became really excited and was about to buy up a storm until the company called me and asked where I was. I was like a child who made a mistake when I replied with a trembling voice: “Okay, I’ll be back immediately!”
Facing the danger of being eliminated every single day, not knowing if I’d really attain the opportunity to stand on stage. Yet the fatigue of my body and the emptiness in my heart did not allow me to think so much. That was only one thought I clung onto- to make what I did even more refined now, to train well and not be eliminated.