"You embarra.s.sed me, Will. I know I"m not anyone special. I know that you shouldn"t be interested in someone like me. We are from two totally different worlds. Maybe it"s just best if we take a step back and stop seeing each other now before you completely break my heart later."
"Stop putting yourself down like that! I"m more than interested in you. For the love of Jesus, I can"t stop touching you. I"m not going to break your heart, Megan." G.o.dd.a.m.n it! She"s breaking my heart right now!
"Oh yeah, you will." She shakes her head slightly and backs out of my grasp. "It"s inevitable. People don"t stick, Will. Everyone leaves eventually, and I think that I"d rather you left now rather than later, because I don"t think I could survive it later." The last part is whispered, and I take a step toward her to hold her and rea.s.sure her that I"ll do everything in my power to never hurt her again, but she evades me.
"Please," she whispers. "Just go."
Well, I"ll be d.a.m.ned if I"m going to stand here and beg. I take a moment to look at her. Really look at her. G.o.d, she"s so strong and sweet and gorgeous and she is mine.
"I"ll go, Meg, if that"s what you want." I take her face in my hands and kiss her forehead, breathing in her sweet smell, her wet hair against my nose. "You are not a dirty secret," I murmur into her ear. "You are everything."
Before I make an a.s.s of myself and beg her to forgive me, I walk out of her house, gently close the door behind me, and climb in the car to drive home. f.u.c.k.
Chapter Twelve.
You are everything.
It just plays over and over in my head all day. You are everything.
I picked up the swing-shift at work today. I needed to occupy my mind and I wanted to check in on Nick. He"s worse. Much worse. His family has chosen to honor his wishes of no extreme life-saving measures, so we just keep him as comfortable as we can and pray that his body is strong enough to fight the infection. Unfortunately, because of the amount of chemo in his system, he"s not strong enough to fight much.
I"ve spent the majority of my evening watching his vitals like a hawk and standing vigil. I don"t want him left alone for long. He"s so fragile, anything could happen so quickly, we need to be with him pretty much every second.
"Meg, there"s a call for you." Jill pokes her head into Nick"s room and offers me a sad smile. Nick"s turn for the worse is affecting us all. "I"ll relieve you for a bit."
We all invest ourselves into these kids, whether we want to or not. They"re all so great, how could we not?
I quietly leave the room and cross to the nurses" station.
"h.e.l.lo?"
"Hey, Meg, this is Lyle with security. I have a delivery for you."
I frown. "Okay, bring it up."
"I can"t, I"m the only one in the office right now. Do you mind coming down?"
"Sure, I"ll be right there."
G.o.d, I"m tired. Bone tired. I didn"t sleep much at all last night after Will left. I kept replaying the conversation in my head over and over again. Asking him to leave was for the best. I need to put some s.p.a.ce between us. I meant what I said, he"ll eventually come to his senses and break it off, or I"ll get sick of his arrogance and break it off, and why waste time on something that will end, most likely sooner rather than later?
Lyle is indeed the only guard in the security booth right now. The others must be on foot patrol. I walk up to the plexi-gla.s.s window and offer him a smile.
"Hey, Lyle. You have something for me?"
"Yeah, I"ll bring them out to you."
Them?
Flowers. I should have known. Lyle comes walking out of the gla.s.s office with both his arms loaded down with gorgeous red flowers. Roses, peonies, poppies, calla lilies. All beautifully red.
d.a.m.n him.
I pull the white card out of the bouquet and rip it open. There is only one word: Everything.
I take the flowers and ride the elevator back up to my floor and set the flowers in my office. I read the card again and then tuck it into the pocket of my scrub top and pat it in place. I"ll carry him with me tonight.
I pull out my phone and text him, one word: Beautiful.
Before I can put my phone back in my pocket, there is a response. Not as beautiful as you. Forgive me.
"Meg, come quick, something"s wrong." One of the techs, Brandi, pokes her head in my office, her face ashen.
"Nick?" I ask, my stomach clenching in fear. She nods yes, and we run to his room. The monitors are beeping frantically, and his parents are huddled together in the corner of the room, crying.
"His lungs are failing," Dr. Lee, a young and handsome doctor is urgently checking monitors and listening to Nick"s chest. He looks over at his parents, his eyes worried. "We need to intubate him."
"No," Nick"s father chokes out. "No life support. We promised Nick we wouldn"t make him suffer."
"He"s suffering now. He"s suffocating." Dr. Lee loops his stethoscope around his neck and sighs deeply. "I understand." He runs his hands down his face and looks down at Nick with sadness. He"s worked with the boy since he was first diagnosed with the bone cancer.
"Meg," he murmurs to me. "Keep his morphine up, and his head elevated so he"s getting as much oxygen in his lungs as possible. We"re going to keep him sedated, and comfortable." He walks over to Nick"s parents and hugs them both. "Sit with him. Talk to him. I don"t think you"ll have long with him now."
I gaze down at this boy, this sweet boy, who had his whole life ahead of him. He was an athlete, he had a girlfriend, and the promise of going to college and living a long, happy life. He"ll never have the chance to experience so many things. Fall in love, dance at his wedding, hold his children.
He"s only seventeen f.u.c.king years old.
I arrange Nick to a comfortable position in his bed, check the drip on his IV and step back to let his family gather by him and say goodbye.
Six hours later, I"m wrung out. Nick pa.s.sed away two hours ago. We all comforted his parents and did our job of comforting the other kids who were so sad and scared and mourning. I hate the days that we lose a patient. It just sucks all around, for every single person on the floor.
I should stay here tonight. Find an empty bed and catch a few hours" sleep, then get up and put in another shift. But I push my hand in my pocket and run my fingers over the note that came with Will"s flowers, and I know that I don"t want to stay.
I need him.
I need to be in his arms. I want to feel his warmth, and hear him tell me that everything will be okay.
Even if it won"t.
I don"t know if I"d be welcome. I haven"t replied to his last text. But if I"ve learned anything at all in the last twelve hours, it"s that life can be cut so incredibly short. I don"t want to waste a minute that I could spend with Will.
If he leaves me and breaks my heart later, I"ll deal with it then.
I drive to his house, let myself in through his gate, and because I still have the Rover, I park in the garage and let myself into the house. It"s dark and quiet, Will is no doubt in bed and went to sleep long ago.
I climb the stairs, two at a time. I can"t get to him fast enough. Sure enough, there he is, sleeping peacefully. His face is relaxed, hair a mess from his fingers. I slip out of my shoes, and don"t even take the time to strip out of my clothes.
I need him now.
I climb into the bed and wrap myself around him, startling him awake.
"Hey," he mumbles and wraps his arms around me.
"I"m sorry," I whisper and nuzzle in deeper, burying my face into his neck, clinging to him.
"Babe, what"s wrong? You"re trembling."
I am just so cold.
He tries to pull back, but I cling tighter. "Don"t go." I hear the desperation in my voice.
"Sweetheart, I"m not going anywhere. Talk to me. You"re scaring me. Are you hurt?"
I shake my head. G.o.d, there"s just so much running through me. So much in my head. I"m so sad about Nick, and afraid of losing Will, yet afraid of loving him too. And I"m so f.u.c.king tired of being afraid of losing something, someone, important to me.
"Need you," I murmur and suddenly feel the tears leaking out of my eyes.
"Megan," he"s awake now, and worried.
"I"m not hurt," I mutter and lean my forehead on his shoulder, still clinging to him, relishing the feel of his impossibly strong arms around me. "We lost Nick tonight. I miss you. I just want to be here with you, okay?"
"Oh, baby."
I don"t even care that he calls me baby. It"s comforting and loving, and I need it. I need him.
"You are always welcome here, Meg. Always."
I finally lean my head back and look into his soft blue eyes. He"s so kind. How did I ever think that he was trying to hurt me?
"I"m so sorry about Nick. He was a really good kid. He was completely smitten with you, but I can"t blame him." He grins down at me and kisses my nose, and I relax again. He just soothes me.
"Will, you scare the f.u.c.k out of me." His eyes widen briefly, and then he exhales and closes them. He chuckles softly as he leans in and rests his lips against my own.
"Megan, you exasperate me, and turn me on, and make me crazy." He kisses me softly, brushing his lips across mine, and gently combs his fingers through my hair.
"Don"t you see what I feel for you? Can"t you feel it when I make love to you? The way I look at you? Jesus, Meg, you"re all I see. You"re all I want."
I close my eyes and try to pull away from him but he holds on tight.
"No, you won"t back away again. Now that you"re here, I"m keeping you here, d.a.m.n it. You"re mine, Meg, just as much as I"m yours."
"Thank you," I whisper.
"For what?"
"For this. For being here. For the flowers, and being with me all night, even though you didn"t know you were." I shake my head and close my eyes. "You scare me, but I don"t want to lose you."
He pulls me in to him tightly and kisses my hair, rubbing his hands up and down my back soothingly. "Go to sleep, babe."
Laying here, in the quiet, I let my eyes drift closed and fall asleep to the sound of Will"s steady breathing and heartbeat against my cheek.
I wake to an empty bed and sunshine pouring in through the windows, reflecting off the stark-white linens, making the room bright and cheerful. Will"s bedroom is stunning. The walls are robins-egg blue and all the trim and linens are white. His bed is the size of my living room, and faces the floor to ceiling windows that face the water.
I could get used to waking up in here.
Holy s.h.i.t, it"s noon! I haven"t slept this late in I don"t know how long, even if I"ve worked a night shift. I frown down at my scrubs and remember coming to Will"s after work, attacking him in his bed, and the most terrifying part of all: falling apart on him.
Before I can dwell on that, I climb out of bed and strip naked and it occurs to me that the shower in the master bath is running. I would have thought he"d be at the training center today.
I pad into the bathroom, pull my hair up into a messy bun on the top of my head and watch him through the clear gla.s.s shower door. The shower itself is ma.s.sive. All white and blue tile. And a very tall and tanned and muscular Will is standing beneath the tallest of the four shower heads, his hands braced on the wall and head bowed forward, letting the hot water run down the back of his head and back.
Good G.o.d, he"s hot.
I haven"t had him inside me in days.
I silently enter the shower and wrap my arms around his wet waist. I press myself against his back, take a deep breath and let the water run over me.
"Good morning," Will murmurs and turns around to have a look at me.
"It"s actually afternoon now," I reply and smile widely at him. He"s examining my face, cupping it in his big hands. He must be satisfied with what he sees because he smirks down at me and his shoulders visibly relax.
"Lazy bones," he mutters and kisses me softly.
"Hey, I worked late. I"m surprised you"re home."
"I just got back. I had an early morning meeting and then trained for a bit." He grabs my body wash and lathers up a washcloth, turns me around to face the wall. "Brace your hands on the wall."
Oh, I love it when he"s bossy!
I comply and lower my head, close my eyes, and enjoy Will pampering me, gliding the washcloth over my back and shoulders, arms, b.u.t.t, down my legs. It"s just heaven. On his way back up my legs, he pushes the cloth between them, washing my folds and I can"t hold back a moan.
I"ve never had anyone wash me there before.
"Turn around," he murmurs.
I brace my hands on his lean, wet hips, my thumbs tracing that spectacular V, and watch his face as he washes my chest, b.r.e.a.s.t.s, stomach. His eyes follow his hand, taking in my body and they heat with l.u.s.t.
"I love your skin," his eyes find mine and he smiles. "You"re so soft."