"No! I want to hear the rest!"
Her eyes light up as she continues. "That whole week, I was a bundle of antic.i.p.ation, and when Sat.u.r.day arrived, I could barely drive my car to his place. There was no way he could miss how nervous I was, and he gave me some wine while he prepared his easel and paints. Of course he wasn"t wearing his shirt, making the wine even more of a necessity."
I laugh and feel all the nervous tension they must"ve gone through.
"We"d agreed ahead of time that I"d be nude, but only if I could hide my b.r.e.a.s.t.s. He arranged it so I could stretch across some pillows with only my derriere showing. He turned away when I took off my robe and positioned myself, but when he came over to arrange my hair fanning across the pillow, I almost pa.s.sed out."
"Wait, that"s the painting hanging in your bedroom, isn"t it?"
She gives me a big smile. "Yes, that"s the one. When he worked, he was completely into it. He didn"t speak for a long time, but as we both grew more comfortable, we started to talk and share stories about school. Finally, he asked about Mitch.e.l.l, and I told him about our break-up."
"What"d he say?"
"Nothing, he was silent, but when I looked up, he was gripping the sides of the canvas. I asked him what was wrong. And you know what he said? "Nothing"s wrong." Then he lifted his chin, gave me the biggest smile and said, "For the first time in a long time, everything feels completely right.""
"I held my breath as he walked over, sat on the floor next to my pillows and stroked my cheek. And that was it...that was the moment my entire life changed. I sat up, not even caring that I was naked, and he pulled me into his lap and gave me the kiss I"d dreamed of."
I hold my breath because her description"s so vivid that I can feel their pa.s.sion running through me. They had each found their soul mate.
"That was it. I stayed over that night and never left. Here it is, thirty years later, and I"m still by his side."
"That"s the best story...the perfect love."
"Oh no, not perfect, Ava. Nothing"s perfect. We"ve had plenty of fights and near breakups over the years. We"re both pa.s.sionate people, and we fight as pa.s.sionately as we make love."
"Did you ever really almost break up?"
"Well, the closest we probably came was when Adam finally gave up trying to make it as an artist and decided go into the gallery-publisher side of things. He was tormented about that, but he wanted us to be together and have a family, and we weren"t surviving financially by selling his art. He was miserable all the time. I finally got tired of it. That"s when he realized he was going to lose me, and he figured out a way to make peace with his decision."
"Do you think he ever regrets it?"
"Regret...no. But I do think he misses the idea of being an artist. But he always tells me he wouldn"t change it if he could go back and do it all again. It"s very hard to make a living through your art."
I hadn"t really considered that before, but she"s right.
"You know, Ava, in the end, the success you have in your career can only provide a certain kind of happiness and satisfaction. What really matters are your relationships and the love you have in your life. Nothing will ever be perfect, but I"m lucky we never gave up on each other. The moments I"ve had with Adam are the bright light I"ll always carry in my heart."
As I drive home, I reflect on Katherine"s story. I"d always held Adam and Katherine in my mind as the perfect couple, so it was comforting to hear that even their relationship didn"t have a smooth start. The powerful pull they have for each other reminds me of how I"ve felt about Max since the first time I saw him at the art show in New York.
Despite all we"ve gone through, could we eventually have a happy ending too?
When I get home, I go through the mail and find a thick envelope addressed to me. My heart starts to pound. I"m almost certain it"s from Max. I tear it open and unfold a handwritten letter on drawing paper. His signature is at the bottom. My hands are shaking as I settle on the couch and start to read.
Dear Ava, The look in your eyes the moment you broke away from me has haunted my every waking moment. All I wanted was to prove myself good enough to deserve your attention, but my actions only showed how unworthy I really am. Now I"ll always know I let you down, and I"ll forever regret it. All I can hope is that one day you"ll give me another chance to prove myself.
Our connection has come to mean the world to me, and I can"t accept that it"s gone. You are vibrant color, poetry and light. Your presence soothes me... lighting up my darkness, your whispers quieting the noise in my head. I want to be the man who inspires you too, that doesn"t just put you on a pedestal to admire your beauty, but encourages you to chase your dreams.
I"ve always believed we shared a destiny, so how do I walk through this life without you on my arm?
I"ve taken some time away to sort things out. My head hasn"t been in a good place for a long time, and I want to change that. But I need to right my wrongs and let the people who are important in my life know how I feel.
I"m sorry, but it"s hard to accept the idea that I"ve lost you. With each pa.s.sing day, instead of a healing, the pain just grows. I miss you desperately, Ava, and despite everything, I hope that some small part of you misses me too.
Max My heart is heavy and tender as I slowly read his letter twice more. I feel an entire range of emotions. It pains me to know he"s suffering. Part of me wants to wrap my arms around him and not let go. I miss him...especially when I remember the good times we"ve had together. A lingering anger still burns over the scene with Sheila. But I"m also nervous, thinking of the signs of his obsession with me and wondering if his sentiments in the letter are a reflection of that.
Despite our moment of pa.s.sion at the print studio, we were just friends and didn"t owe each other anything beyond that. He still thinks I rejected him that night and doesn"t understand how much I"ve always wanted him. As upsetting as the scene with Sheila was, it"s not as if he was cheating on me. My situation was complicated too because of Jonathan. How judgmental can I be?
I have a sudden urge to explain all of this, to clear the air and untangle the crossed wires and misunderstandings. Hopefully, we can communicate and both heal and move toward whatever our destiny is meant to be.
I call Jess to get the mailing address for his aunt in Ojai.
When I crawl in bed that night, I perch a pad of paper on my lap to compose my response.
Dear Max, About ten minutes pa.s.s, and despite the grip I have on my pen, no thoughts flow onto the paper. I"m a writer without words. There"s so much emotion to sort through in my heart and head that I could write a novel and still not explain the tango he"s danced with my heart.
I read his letter one more time and press it over my heart before setting it back on my night table and turning off the light. I toss and turn for a while before finally falling into a deep sleep.
In a foggy haze, I try to figure out where I am as I wander through an empty house. It"s a series of different-sized rooms with hardwood floors, intricate crown moldings, and oddly shaped picture windows. I find the quiet atmosphere appealing. Is it from the past or the future, or does it balance on a dime"s edge somewhere in between?
Despite my trepidations, I keep exploring. Some of the rooms are on different levels with little staircases leading up to them, and after a while, I have no sense of where I am in the house. Am I in an Escher drawing?
At the end of the hallway, I walk into a room with a large white couch that faces a picture window. A stained gla.s.s pattern skirts the edges of the window and casts shapes of vibrant colors throughout the room. I focus on the couch and the back of a man"s head as he sits quietly. It"s Max.
I go to him, but he"s in that unresponsive state...just looking straight ahead with no expression or movement. I say his name over and over, but he doesn"t respond, even when I stroke his face and try to turn his head toward me.
My frustration builds, as does my determination to get his attention. Inexplicably, I dramatically remove all my clothes. Again, there"s no response from Max, so I climb onto his lap, straddling him, and run my hands over his face. He finally starts to come to life.
My desire builds just being close to him, and I kiss him. His lips part for me as I unb.u.t.ton his shirt and rake my nails up and down his chest. We kiss again as I undo his pants, slide my hand inside and hold him. He"s hot in my grip, and I"m pleased when he starts to grow, pushing my fingers apart, until he"s hard and throbbing in my hand. His hands press tightly over my hips as his breaths get ragged.
Inspired by his pa.s.sion, I stroke him with one hand while pushing his pants further open with the other.
Now as I kiss him, I whisper words of longing...telling him I need him inside me, that I want him desperately. Finally, I lift my hips, as he pushes against me. He watches with hooded eyes as I lower myself down until he"s completely inside of me. My moan"s long and melodic. I don"t recall anything ever feeling this good.
Suddenly, it all speeds up, as if his dial has been turned up. He"s electrified and moves with great intensity under me. Although he still doesn"t speak, there"s fire in his eyes and expression. His hands caress my back and slide down to my a.s.s. He lifts and lowers me over him as he showers me with kisses up my neck and along my jaw. His mouth finally opens with mine and he kisses me deeply.
I rock and tighten over him, arching my back so that my b.r.e.a.s.t.s are within reach and he skims his lips down to them. When he slides his hand between us and strokes me, my rocking speeds up. I lace my fingers into his hair and tilt his face up so I can look into his eyes as I tumble over the edge toward climax.
My world explodes and in a single flash. I see in his expression all the desire and pa.s.sion that"s always burned for me that I never understood before now. I revel in his pa.s.sion as his jaw clenches and his eyes roll back in ecstasy. We"re hurling through s.p.a.ce and time together.
As I"m trembling and calling out his name, I"m aware that, although I"ve climaxed before in my dreams, I"ve never started the exquisite sensation of freefalling through wave after wave of pleasure without hitting a crescendo and eventually stopping.
But the ecstasy just keeps building, the tremors continue until my heart thunders and I can"t catch my breath. The desire is indefinable. My fingers grasp at whatever part of him I can hold onto and my muscles seize. If this doesn"t stop, I could very well die from the force of it. And just as soon as I accept that I"m willing to trade it all for this ultimate feeling of bliss, I"m hurled out of my dream. I wake up twisted in my sheets, gasping for air.
Awake, I run my hands up and down my body in complete disbelief. My nipples are hard and sensitive to the touch. I"m covered with a sheen of sweat, and every muscle is quivering, as if I"ve just run a marathon. I slide my hand between my legs and feel the tenderness and swollen wetness of my s.e.x.
In the inky darkness of the night, I lie on my bed, and in the confused gap between awake and sleep, I believe that somehow, some way, I really was with Max tonight.
I curl into my pillow and imagine that my head is resting on his shoulder and I let out a long sigh. When I move my knee higher, I"m sure my leg is resting over his thigh. His presence is overwhelming.
"Max?" I whisper.
I close my eyes and vividly picture him flung across his bed, his heart still racing as he pulls me close.
"I"m here, Ava," he whispers back.
Chapter Five / On the Road to Ojai.
The man she had was kind and clean, and well enough for every day, but oh, dear friends, you should have seen, the one that got away.
~ Dorothy Parker Morning creeps quietly into my bedroom until the light of day can"t be denied. As I flutter under the sheets and blink the fuzziness out of my eyes, the answer comes to me.
I must drive to Ojai and tell Max face-to-face what"s on my mind.
With that resolve, I rise and begin getting ready, including checking how to get to Ojai on MapQuest. As I print out the instructions, an idea occurs to me, and I send another job to my printer while I finish my breakfast.
It isn"t until I"m settled into my car and driving north that the panic sets in. What am I going to say? What if I get there and he refuses to see me? Even though we are or were just friends, one hundred-forty miles is a long way to go to be rejected. Luckily, I didn"t have these thoughts earlier when I was home and could"ve easily abandoned the idea of going in the first place.
The first hour on the freeway is endless as possible scenarios run through my head, including ringing the bell and finding no one home. It reminds me that art boy does not like surprises. The irony is, I"m not so sure I like surprises either.
Eventually, I reach the turnoff to Ojai off the 101, which leads me through a rural area as I drive inland for about twenty minutes. As I get closer, I see a couple strip malls, one with a Burger King and Taco Bell, and the second has an out-of-place looking Starbucks that must service people coming and going from Ojai. I hit the brakes and swerve into the parking lot. Time for a latte, I surmise.
I may be tired from the drive and can benefit from a shot of caffeine, but I"m not fooling myself. I"m losing the courage to pay Max and his aunt a visit, and I need to regroup.
Other than the lone woman working behind the counter, I"m the only one in Starbucks. After years of waiting in lines in L.A., walking right up to the counter and ordering is a new experience. I look out the window.
"A penny for your thoughts," the barista says, while wiping her hands on her green ap.r.o.n. Her brown hair is threaded with gray and she has a sun-worn, kind face-quite different from the college students and wannabe actors that usually help me at home.
I snap to attention and face her. "Oh, yes, I"ll have a tall nonfat latte with a shot of sugar-free vanilla and extra foam. Oh, and Splenda mixed in." If I"m going to pay three bucks for a cup of coffee, they can mix in the d.a.m.n Splenda.
She smiles. "You"re not from around here."
"How could you tell?"
"I just had a sense...let me guess...L.A.? You"re too intense for Santa Barbara."
"Intense? Gee thanks," I chuckle. "And yes, I just drove in from L.A."
"It"s a man, isn"t it?"
My eyes grow wide. "Pardon me?"
"A man. I sense that"s why you"ve come here today." She says it matter-of-factly, as if she knew about my plans ahead of time.
Great, I"ve found the Starbucks psychic. I"ll not only get a latte, but my fortune too. I leave an entire dollar bill in the tip box before sighing. "Yes, a man."
"He must be special, since you came all this way." She clucks her tongue as she pulls a lever and the milk steamer hisses and moans.
"But I"m not sure he even wants to see me. I"ve come all this way, and he may not be home."
"Oh, he"s been waiting for you. He"ll be there."
She says it with such authority that it gives me the creeps. What else does she know?
"But you gotta remember, dear, that men are slow about this stuff. You have to teach them the right way to be with a woman...how to appreciate what"s right in front of them."
Good G.o.d, Ava, why are you having this conversation with a complete stranger? What the h.e.l.l...I"ll never see this woman again. This just adds another side note to my unexpected road trip. "You really think he"s interested in me like that?"
She gives me a long intense look, almost as if she"s looking right into me.
I twitch nervously.
"Yes...yes, I do," she says with certainty, as she carefully splits open the little cardboard sleeve and slides it on the cup of latte.
Just then, four teenagers stumble through the door, and another employee brings supplies out from the back room. The ambience is broken. The psychic barista heads over to the cash register to take their orders, and I grab my drink and walk back to my car.
I roll down the windows and sip my coffee, while thinking about her prediction. The certainty of her words has had an effect on me. I start up the engine, determined to reach my destination.
Ann Emerson"s home sits in a cl.u.s.ter of one-story ranch style homes at the base of the Topatopa Mountains. Despite it being almost midday, the street in this idyllic little town is quiet, and the only person in sight is a woman tending her lush garden. Cl.u.s.ters of California poppies run along the edge of her yard, the delicate paper-thin flowers turning their happy faces toward the sun. I continue along, moving toward Ann"s address.
The sky seems bigger and bluer than it is at home. I take a deep breath, then another. It will be okay...It will be okay, I chant to myself.
I approach the house cautiously. My heart"s pounding, and the note with Ann"s address is wadded up in my fist. I distract myself by concentrating on the dark-gray painted wood siding and bright white shutters on the house, the pots of fiery orange geraniums, and two white Adirondack chairs on the front porch. I press the doorbell apprehensively, knowing everything could change from this moment on. It has a gentle chime, belying the emotional turmoil that could exist inside.
I listen for any sound in the house. A moment later, footsteps echo inside and the door swings open. A tall woman with shoulder-length auburn hair and bright eyes stands in the doorway. She"s wearing a colorful long skirt and a red shirt.
"Ava?"
For a moment, I"m dumbstruck...Is this whole town psychic?
"Yes. How did you know who I am?"
"I"m sorry, I"m being rude. Please come in." She steps aside. "I"m Ann, Max"s aunt. He"s told me all about you." She shakes my hand slowly, clasping it in both of hers.
"It"s nice to meet you." I smile and look at my surroundings. "Is Max here? I was hoping to see him."
"He"s out for a run. Why don"t you sit down and wait for him?" We walk into a warm room filled with window light, an eclectic mix of antiques, and a big comfortable looking couch. There"s an elaborate Asian rug on the floor, and all the colors in the room from the pale ochre on the walls to the ivy color of the sofa are accented in the rich design. Framed black and white photographs hang on every wall.
"I"m so glad you"re here. It"ll be good for Max to see you."
"I feel bad barging in without calling, but I woke up this morning and had to come. If I"d planned or thought about it too much, I would"ve talked myself out of it.