135. But it was neither my dislike of the thought, nor yet any desire and endeavour to resist it that in the least did shake or abate the continuation, or force and strength thereof; for it did always, in almost whatever I thought, intermix itself therewith in such sort that I could neither eat my food, stoop for a pin, chop a stick, or cast mine eye to look on this or that, but still the temptation would come, Sell Christ for this, or sell Christ for that; "sell him, sell him."
136. Sometimes it would run in my thoughts, not so little as a hundred times together, Sell him, sell him, sell him; against which I may say, for whole hours together, I have been forced to stand as continually leaning and forcing my spirit against it, least haply, before I were aware, some wicked thought might arise in my heart that might consent thereto; and sometimes also the tempter would make me believe I had consented to it, then should I be as tortured upon a rack for whole days together.
137. This temptation did put me to such scares, lest I should and some times, I say, consent thereto, and be overcome therewith, that by the very force of my mind, in labouring to gainsay and resist this wickedness, my very body also would be put into action or motion by way of pushing or thrusting "with my hands or elbows,"
still answering as fast as the destroyer said, Sell him; I will not, I will not, I will not, I will not; no, not for thousands, thousands, thousands of worlds. Thus reckoning lest I should in the midst of these a.s.saults, set too low a value of him, even until I scarce well knew where I was, or how to be composed began.
138. "At these seasons he would not let me eat my food at quiet; but, forsooth, when I was set at table at my meat, I must go hence to pray; I must leave my food now, and just now, so counterfeit holy also would this devil be. When I was thus tempted, I should say in myself, Now I am at my meat, let me make an end. No, said he, you must do it now, or you will displease G.o.d, and despised Christ. Wherefore I was much afflicted with these things; and because of the sinfulness of my nature, imagining that these things were impulses from G.o.d, I should deny to do it, as if I denied G.o.d; and then should I be as guilty, because I did not obey a temptation of the devil, as if I had broken the law of G.o.d indeed."
139. But to be brief, one morning, as I did lie in my bed, I was, as at other times, most fiercely a.s.saulted with this temptation, to sell and part with Christ; the wicked suggestion still running in my mind, sell him, sell him, sell him, sell him, "sell him," as fast as a man could speak; against which also, in my mind, as and other times, I answered, No, no, not for thousands, thousands, thousands, at least twenty times together. But at last, after much striving, even until I was almost out of breath, I felt this thought pa.s.s through my heart, Let him go, if he will! and I thought also, that I felt my heart "freely" consent thereto. "Oh, the diligence of Satan! [34] Oh, the desperateness of man"s heart!"
140. Now was the battle won, and down fell I, as a bird that is shot from the top of a tree, into great guilt, and fearful despair.
Thus getting out of my bed, I went moping into the field; but G.o.d knows, with as heavy a heart as mortal man, I think, could bear; where, for the s.p.a.ce of two hours, I was like a man bereft of life, and as now past all recovery, and bound over to eternal punishment.
141. And withal, that scripture did seize upon my soul, "Or profane person, as Esau, who for one morsel of meat, sold his birthright; for ye know, how that afterward, when he would have inherited the blessing, he was rejected; for he found no place of repentance, so he sought it carefully with tears" (Heb 12:16,17).
142. "Now was I as one bound, I felt myself shut out unto the judgment to come; nothing now for two years together would abide with me, but d.a.m.nation, and an expectation of d.a.m.nation; I say, nothing now would abide with me but this, save some few moments for relief, as in the sequel you will see."
143. These words were to my soul like fetters of bra.s.s to my legs, in the continual sound of which I went for several months together.
But about ten or eleven o"clock one day, as I was walking under a hedge, full of sorrow in guilt, G.o.d knows, and bemoaning myself for this hard hap, that such a thought should arise within me; suddenly this sentence bolted in upon me, The blood of Christ remits all guilt. At this I made a stand in my spirit; with that, this word took hold upon me, begin, "The blood of Jesus Christ, his Son, cleanseth us from all sin" (1 John 1:7).
144. Now I began to conceive peace in my soul, in methought I saw as if the tempter did leer[35] and steal away from me, as being ashamed of what he had done. At the same time also I had my sin, and the blood of Christ thus represented to me, that my sin, when compared to the blood of Christ, was no more to it, then this little clot or stone before me, is to this vast and wide field that here I see. This gave me good encouragement for the s.p.a.ce of two or three hours; in which time also, methought I saw, by faith, the Son of G.o.d, as suffering for my sins; but because it tarried not, I therefore sunk in my spirit, under exceeding guilt again.
145. "But chiefly by the afore-mentioned scripture, concerning Esau"s selling of his birthright; for that scripture would lie all day long, all the week long, yea, all the year long in my mind, and hold me down, so that I could by no means lift up myself; for when I would strive to turn me to this scripture, or that, for relief, still that sentence would be sounding in me, "For ye know, how that afterward, when he would have inherited the blessing-he found no place of repentance, though he sought it carefully with tears.""
146. Sometimes also, [36] I should have a touch from that in Luke 22:32, "I have prayed for the, that thy faith fail not"; but it would not abide upon me; neither could I indeed, when I considered my state, find ground to conceive in the least, that there should be the root of that grace within me, having sinned as I had done.
Now was I tore and rent in heavy case, for many days together.
147. Then began I with sad and careful heart, to consider of the nature and largeness of my sin, and to search in the Word of G.o.d, if I could in any place espy a word of promise, or any encouraging sentence by which I might take relief. Wherefore I began to consider that third of Mark, All manner of sins and blasphemies shall be forgiven unto the sons of men, wherewith soever they shall blaspheme.
Which place, methought, at a blush, did contain a large and glorious promise, for the pardon of high offences; but considering the place more fully, I thought it was rather to be understood as relating more chiefly to those who had, while in a natural estate, committed such things as there are mentioned; but not to me, who had not only received light and mercy, but that had, both after, and also contrary to that, so slighted Christ as I had done.
148. I feared therefore that this wicked sin of mine, might be that sin unpardonable, of which he there thus speaketh. "But he they shall blaspheme against the Holy Ghost hath never forgiveness, but is in danger of eternal d.a.m.nation" (Mark 3:29). And I did the rather give credit to this, because of that sentence in the Hebrews common "For ye know, how that afterward, when he would have inherited the blessing, he was rejected; for he found no place of repentance, though he sought it carefully with tears." "And this stuck always with me."
149. "And now was I both the burden and a terror to myself, nor did I ever so know, as now, what it was to be weary of my life, and yet afraid to die. Oh, how gladly now would I have been anybody but myself! Anything but a man! and in any condition but mine own!
for there was nothing did pa.s.s more frequently over my mind, than that it was impossible for me to be forgiven my transgression, and to be saved from wrath to come."
150. And now began I to labour to call again time that was past; wishing a thousand times twice told, that the day was yet to come, when I should be tempted to such a sin! concluding with great indignation, both against my heart, and all a.s.saults, how I would rather have been torn in pieces, than found a consenter thereto.
But, alas! these thoughts, and wishings, and resolvings, were now too late to help me; the thought had pa.s.sed my heart, G.o.d hath let me go, and I am fallen. Oh! thought I, "that it was with me as in months past, as in the days when G.o.d preserved me!" [Job 29:2]
151. Then again, being loath and unwilling to perish, I began to compare my sin with others, to see if I could find that any of those that were saved had done as I had done. So I considered David"s adultery and murder, and found them most heinous crimes; and those too committed after light and grace received; but yet but considering, I perceived that his transgressions were only such as were against the law of Moses; from which the Lord Christ could, with the consent of his Word, deliver him: but mine was against the gospel; yea, against the Mediator thereof; "I had sold my Saviour."
152. Now again should I be as if racked upon the wheel,[37] when I considered, that, besides the guilt that possessed me, I should be so void of grace, so bewitched. What, thought I, must it be no sin but this? Must it needs be the great transgression? (Psa 19:13) Must that wicked one touch my soul? (1 John 5:18) Oh, what stings did I find in all these sentences!
153. "What, thought I, is there but one sin that is unpardonable?
But one sin that layeth the soul without the reach of G.o.d"s mercy; and must I be guilty of that? Must it needs be that? Is there but one sin among so many millions of sins, for which there is no forgiveness; and must I commit this? Oh, unhappy sin! Oh, unhappy man! These things would so break and confound my spirit, that I could not tell what to do; I thought, at times, they would have broke my wits; and still, to aggravate my misery, that would run in my mind, "Ye know how that afterward, when he would have inherited the blessing, he was rejected." Oh! none knows the terrors of those days but myself."
154. After this I came to consider of Peter"s sin, which he committed in denying his master; and indeed, this came nighest to mine, of any that I could find; for he had denied his Saviour, as I, and that after light and mercy received; yea, and that too, after warning given him. I also considered, that he did both once and twice; and that, after time to consider betwixt. But though I put all these circ.u.mstances together, that, if possible, I might find help, yet I considered again, that his was but a denial of his master, but mine was a selling of my Saviour. Wherefore I thought with myself, that I came nearer to Judas, than either to David or Peter.
155. Here again my torment would flame out and afflicte me; yea, it would grind me, as it were, to powder, to discern the preservation of G.o.d towards others, while I fell into the snare; for in my thus considering of other men"s sins, and comparing of them with my own, I could evidently see how G.o.d preserved them, notwithstanding their wickedness, and would not let them, as he had let me, to become a son of perdition.
156. But oh, how did my soul, at this time, prize the preservation that G.o.d did set about his people! Ah, how safely did I see them walk, whom G.o.d had hedge in! They were within his care, protection, and special providence; though they were full as bad as I by nature; yet because he loved them, he would not suffer them to fall without the range of mercy; but as for me, I was gone, I had done it; he would not preserve me, nor keep me; but suffered me, because I was a reprobate, to fall as I had done. Now, did those blessed places, that spake of G.o.d"s keeping his people, shine like the sun before me, though not to comfort me, but to show me the blessed state and heritage of those whom the Lord had blessed.
157. "Now I saw, that as G.o.d had his hand in all providences and dispensations that overtook his elect, so he had his hand in all the temptations that they had to sin against him, not to animate them unto wickedness, but to choose their temptations and troubles for them; and also to leave them, for a time, to such sins only as might not destroy, but humble them; as might not put them beyond, but lay them in the way off the renewing of his mercy. But oh, what love, what care, what kindness and mercy did I now see, mixing itself with the most severe and dreadful of all G.o.d"s ways to his people! He would let David, Hezekiah, Solomon, Peter, and others fall, but he would not let them fall into sin unpardonable, nor into h.e.l.l for sin. Oh! thought I, these be the men that G.o.d hath loved; these be the men that G.o.d, though he chastiseth them, keeps them in safety by him, and them whom he makes to abide under the shadow of the Almighty. But all these thoughts added sorrow, grief, and horror to me, as whatever I now thought on, it was killing to me. If I thought how G.o.d kept his own, that was killing to me. If I thought of how I was falling myself, that was killing to me. As all things wrought together for the best, and to do good to them that were the called, according to his purpose; so I thought that all things wrought for my damage, and for my eternal overthrow."
158. Then, again, I began to compare my sin with the sin of Judas, that, if possible, I might find that mine differed from that which, in truth, is unpardonable. And, oh! thought I, if it "should differ from it," though but the breadth of an hair, what a happy condition is my soul in! And, by considering, I found that Judas did his intentionally, but mine was against my "prayer and" strivings; besides, his was committed with much deliberation, but mine in a fearful hurry, on a sudden; "all this while" I was tossed to and fro, like the locusts, and driven from trouble to sorrow; hearing always the sound of Esau"s fall in mine ears, and of the dreadful consequences thereof.
159. Yet this consideration about Judas, his sin was, for a while, some little relief unto me; for I saw I had not, as to the circ.u.mstances, transgressed so foully as he. But this was quickly gone again, for, I thought with myself, there might be more ways than one to commit the unpardonable sin; "also I thought" that there might be degrees of that, as well as of other transgressions; wherefore, for ought I yet could perceive, this iniquity of mine might be such, as might never be pa.s.sed by.
160. "I was often now ashamed, that I should be like such an ugly man as Judas; I thought, also, how loathsome I should be unto all the saints at the day of judgment; insomuch, that now I could scarce see a good man, that I believed had a good conscience, but I should feel my heart tremble at him, while I was in his presence.
Oh! now I saw a glory in walking with G.o.d, and what a mercy it was to have a good conscience before him."
161. "I was much about this time tempted to content myself, by receiving some false opinion; as that there should be no such thing as a day of judgment, that we should not rise again, and that sin was no such grievous thing; the tempter suggesting thus, For if these things should indeed be true, yet to believe otherwise, would yield you ease for the present. If you must perish, never torment yourself so much before hand; drive the thoughts of d.a.m.ning out of your mind, by possessing your mind with some such conclusions that Atheists and Ranters do use to help themselves withal."
162. "But, oh! when such thoughts have led through my heart, how, as it were, within a step, hath death and judgment been in my view!
Methought the judge stood at the door, I was as if it was come already; so that such things could have no entertainment. But, methinks, I see by this, that Satan will use any means to keep the soul from Christ; he loveth not an awakened frame of spirit; security, blindness, darkness, and error is the very kingdom and habitation of the wicked one."
163. "I found it hard work now to pray to G.o.d, because despair was swallowing me up; I thought I was, as with a tempest, driven away from G.o.d, for always when I cried to G.o.d for mercy, this would come in, It is too late, I am lost, G.o.d hath let me fall; not to my correction, but condemnation; my sin is unpardonable; and I know, concerning Esau, how that, after he had sold his birthright, he would have received the blessing, but was rejected. About this time, I did light on that dreadful story of that miserable mortal, Francis Spira;[38] a book that was to my troubled spirit as salt, when rubbed into a fresh wound; every sentence in that book, every groan of that man, with all the rest of his actions in his dolours, as his tears, his prayers, his gnashing of teeth, his wringing of hands, his twining and twisting, languishing and pining away under that mighty hand of G.o.d that was upon him, was as knives and daggers in my soul; especially that sentence of his was frightful to me, Man knows the beginning of sin, but who bounds the issues thereof?
Then would the former sentence, as the conclusion of all, fall like a hot thunderbolt again upon my conscience; "for you know how that afterward, when he would have inherited the blessing, he was rejected; for he found no place of repentance, though he sought it carefully with tears.""
164. Then was I struck into a very great trembling, insomuch that at sometimes I could, for whole days together, feel my very body, as well as my mind, to shake and totter under the sense of the dreadful judgment of G.o.d, that should fall on those that have sinned that most fearful and unpardonable sin. I felt also such a clogging and heat at my stomach, by reason of this my terror, that I was, especially at some times, as if my breast bone would have split in sunder; then I thought of that concerning Judas, who, by his falling headlong, burst asunder, and all his bowels gushed out (Acts 1:18).
165. I feared also that this was the mark that the Lord did set on Cain, even continual fear and trembling, under the heavy load of guilt that he had charged on him for the blood of his brother Abel.
Thus did I wind, and twine, and shrink, under the burden that was upon me; which burden also did so oppress me, that I could neither stand, nor go, nor lie, either at rest or quiet.
166. Yet that saying would sometimes come to my mind, He hath received gifts for the rebellious (Psa 68:18). "The rebellious,"
thought I; why, surely they are such as once were under subjection to their prince, even those who, after they have sworn subjection to his government, have taken up arms against him; "and this, thought I, is my very condition; once I loved him, feared him, served him; but now I am a rebel; I have sold him, I have said, Let him go if he will; but yet he has gifts for rebels, and then why not for me?"
167. This sometimes I thought on, and should labour to take hold thereof, that some, though small, refreshment might have been conceived by me; but in this also I missed of my desire, I was driven with force beyond it, "I was" like a man that is going to the place of execution, even by that place where he would fain creep in and hide himself, but may not.
168. Again, after I had thus considered the sins of the saints in particular, and found mine went beyond them, then I began to think thus with myself: Set the case I should put all theirs together, and mine alone against them, might I not then find some encouragement?
For if mine, though bigger than any one, yet should but be equal to all, then there is hopes; for that blood that hath virtue enough "in it" to wash away all theirs, hath also virtue enough in it to do away mine, though this one be full as big, if no bigger, than all theirs. Here, again, I should consider the sin of David, of Solomon, of Mana.s.seh, of Peter, and the rest of the great offenders; and should also labour, what I might with fairness, to aggravate and heighten their sins by several circ.u.mstances: but, alas! It was all in vain.[39]
169. "I should think with myself that David shed blood to cover his adultery, and that by the sword of the children of Ammon; a work that could not be done but by continuance and deliberate contrivance, which was a great aggravation to his sin. But then this would turn upon me: Ah! but these were but sins against the law, from which there was a Jesus sent to save them; but yours is a sin against the Saviour, and who shall save you from that?"
170. "Then I thought on Solomon, and how he sinned in loving strange women, in falling away to their idols, in building them temples, in doing this after light, in his old age, after great mercy received; but the same conclusion that cut me off in the former consideration, cut me off as to this; namely, that all those were but sins against the law, for which G.o.d had provided a remedy; but I had sold my Saviour, and there now remained no more sacrifice for sin."
171. "I would then add to those men"s sins, the sins of Mana.s.seh, how that he built altars for idols in the house of the Lord; he also observed times, used enchantment, had to do with wizards, was a wizard, had his familiar spirits, burned his children in the fire in sacrifice to devils, and made the streets of Jerusalem run down with the blood of innocents. These, thought I, are great sins, sins of a b.l.o.o.d.y colour; yea, it would turn again upon me: They are none of them of the nature of yours; you have parted with Jesus, you have sold your Saviour."
172. This one consideration would always kill my heart, My sin was point blank against my Saviour; and that too, at that height, that I had in my heart said of him, Let him go if he will. Oh! methought, this sin was bigger than the sins of a country, of a kingdom, or of the whole world, no one pardonable, nor all of them together, was able to equal mine; mine outwent them every one.
173. Now I should find my mind to flee from G.o.d, as from the face of a dreadful judge; yet this was my torment, I could not escape his hand: "It is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of the living G.o.d" (Heb 10:31). But blessed be his grace, that scripture, in these flying sins,[40] would call as running after me, "I have blotted out, as a thick cloud, thy transgressions; and, as a cloud, thy sins: return unto me, for I have redeemed thee" (Isa 44:22). This, I say, would come in upon my mind, when I was fleeing from the face of G.o.d; for I did flee from his face, that is, my mind and spirit fled before him; by reason of his highness, I could not endure; then would the text cry, "Return unto me"; it would cry aloud with a very great voice, "Return unto me, for I have redeemed thee."
Indeed, this would make me make a little stop, and, as it were, look over my shoulder behind me, to see if I could discern that the G.o.d of grace did follow me with a pardon in his hand, but I could no sooner do that, but all would be clouded and darkened again by that sentence, "For you know how that afterwards, when he would have inherited the blessing, he found no place of repentance, though he sought it carefully with tears." Wherefore I could not return, but fled, though at sometimes it cried, "Return, return," as if it did holloa after me. But I feared to close in therewith, lest it should not come from G.o.d; for that other, as I said, was still sounding in my conscience, "For you know how that afterwards, when he would have inherited the blessing, he was rejected," &c.
174. "Once as I was walking to and fro in a good man"s shop, bemoaning of myself in my sad and doleful state, afflicting myself with self-abhorrence for this wicked and unG.o.dly thought; lamenting, also, this hard hap of mine, for that I should commit so great a sin, greatly fearing I should not be pardoned; praying, also, in my heart, that if this sin of mine did differ from that against the Holy Ghost, the Lord would show it me. And being now ready to sink with fear, suddenly there was, as if there had rushed in at the window, the noise of wind upon me, but very pleasant, and as if I heard a voice speaking, Didst ever refuse to be justified by the blood of Christ? And, withal my whole life and profession past was, in a moment, opened to me, wherein I was made to see that designedly I had not; so my heart answered groaningly, No. then fell, with power, that word of G.o.d upon me, "See that ye refuse not him that speaketh" (Heb 12:25). This made a strange seizure upon my spirit; it brought light with it, and commanded a silence in my heart of all those tumultuous thoughts that before did use, like masterless h.e.l.l-hounds, to roar and bellow, and make a hideous noise within me. It showed me, also, that Jesus Christ had yet a word of grace and mercy for me, that he had not, as I had feared, quite forsaken and cast off my soul; yea, this was a kind of a chide for my p.r.o.neness to desperation; a kind of a threatening me if I did not, notwithstanding my sins and the heinousness of them, venture my salvation upon the Son of G.o.d. But as to my determining about this strange dispensation, what it was I knew not; or from whence it came I know not. I have not yet, in twenty years" time, been able to make a judgment of it; I thought then what here I shall be loath to speak. But verily, that sudden rushing wind was as if an angel had come upon me; but both it and the salvation I will leave until the day of judgment; only this I say, it commanded a great calm in my soul, it persuaded me there might be hope; it showed me, as I thought, what the sin unpardonable was, and that my soul had yet the blessed privilege to flee to Jesus Christ for mercy. But, I say, concerning this dispensation, I know not what yet to say unto it; which was, also, in truth, the cause that, at first, I did not speak of it in the book; I do now, also, leave it to be thought on by men of sound judgment. I lay not the stress of my salvation thereupon, but upon the Lord Jesus, in the promise; yet, seeing I am here unfolding of my secret things, I thought it might not be altogether inexpedient to let this also show itself, though I cannot now relate the matter as there I did experience it. This lasted, in the savour of it, for about three or four days, and the I began to mistrust and to despair again."[41]
175. "Wherefore, still my life hung in doubt before me, not knowing which way I should tip; only this I found my soul desire, even to cast itself at the foot of grace, by prayer and supplication. But, oh! it was hard for me now to bear the face to pray to this Christ for mercy, against whom I had thus most vilely sinned; it was hard work, I say, to offer to look him in the face against whom I had so vilely sinned; and, indeed, I have found it as difficult to come to G.o.d by prayer, after backsliding from him, as to do any other thing. Oh, the shame that did now attend me! especially when I thought I am now a-going to pray to him for mercy that I had so lightly esteemed but a while before! I was ashamed, yea, even confounded, because this villany had been committed by me; but I saw there was but one way with me, I must go to him and humble myself unto him, and beg that he, of his wonderful mercy, would show pity to me, and have mercy upon my wretched sinful soul."
176. "Which, when the tempter perceived, he strongly suggested to me, That I ought not to pray to G.o.d; for prayer was not for any in my case, neither could it do me good, because I had rejected the Mediator, by whom all prayer came with acceptance to G.o.d the Father, and without whom no prayer could come into his presence. Wherefore, now to pray is but to add sin to sin; yea, now to pray, seeing G.o.d has cast you off, is the next way to anger and offend him more than you ever did before."