Act 16: Broken
Hang Hang: You are…
Liang Ze: Researching.
Hang Hang: This thing…
Liang Ze: From Taobao.
Hang Hang: Is it interesting?
Liang Ze: Do you want to use it?
Hang Hang: …Thank you. This inflatable doll is really ugly.
Liang Ze: I also think it"s ugly.
Hang Hang: …
Hang Hang was at loss for words. He looked at Liang Ze and that ugly thing on the bed, he had choked on his words, staring at the naked body next to the inflatable doll on the bed. He was at loss for words, more like his language ability malfunctioned.
This was not Hang Hang"s fault. If you were Hang Hang, who closed the shop before 10 o"clock, hurried to come see his lover, and right when entered the bedroom door, immediately saw his lover and an inflatable doll were having s.e.x right in front of Hang Hang, you would be at loss for words, and just like him you would lose the ability to speak.
Hang Hang did not remember how he got out to the living room, he only knew that he felt thoroughly defeated. This has touched his dignity as a man — he cannot satisfy his partner. He is lost to a plastic doll.
Liang Ze put away the inflatable doll, put on his pajama and came out. He was still calm, sitting himself down on a redwood chair across from Hang Hang, the two of them being separated by a square table. He also understood that Hang Hang…
Hang Hang did not say anything, still in his aphasia. Liang Ze lit up a cigarette, poured a cup of tea and pushed it towards Hang Hang.
[T/N: aphasia – loss of ability to understand or express speech, caused by brain damage]
"Are you cold?" He asked.
"How was business today at the store?" He asked.
"What did you have for dinner" He asked.
"Anything new with Ikkyu and Long Long?" He asked.
Hang Hang was sitting still, not answering. It was not that he did not hear what Liang Ze, he heard it, heard it well, just that he could not say anything. Not that he did not feel it, he knew that something went wrong with Liang Ze. Every time they having s.e.x…Liang Ze was not so excited, many times he even had erectile dysfunction. He did e.j.a.c.u.l.a.t.e, but the process was too forceful, it seemed that everything was Hang Hang"s doing, but it also seemed like a torture for Liang Ze not knowing how to reach his climax. Hang Hang tried to escape the problem — Liang Ze cannot accept to be the bottom. At least only during s.e.x.
[T/N – erectile dysfunction – inability of a man to maintain an erection sufficient for satisfying s.e.xual activity.]
Liang Ze had lit up countless cigarettes, Hang Hang still did not say anything. The atmosphere in the room became unbearable, yet he still sat there, not moving.
"Shuaige…can we talk?" Liang Ze did not count how many cigarette he had smoked, and really could not stand this. He was most afraid of this pregnant silence.
Hang Hang glanced over to Liang Ze, wanting to say something, but ended up not utter out a sound. He did not want to start a meaningless quarrel between the two of them. Hang Hang despises bickering, he really hates it. That is the most ineffective way to solve a problem, many years ago he had given up this habit. Not that he is a gentleman, he just does not want to get too noisy, arguing is just a waste of energy. He was once obsessively and stubbornly chasing after one person, he was once so unreservedly laying out his true feeling to the other person, but the result was not so optimistic. It only made the other person feel annoyed at him.
"Ok. If you"re not talking, then I"ll talk." Liang Ze also did not have a habit to dispute with other people. Even though he was very angry, he would never cause an argument with others. This was from his family brought up. At his home, when his parents were still alive, they had an unwritten rule — If you want to say something, you must always be rational. His parents were a perfect example, they always have some differences, but they would always sit down and talk it out, that is the most effective way, and the fastest way to make other person understand. However, this approach has a drawback. The huge drawback is that they are always being reluctant of each other, some words spoken by them that he does not know whether those words are insincere or not.
Hang Hang stood up, he decided to leave. He had sniffed up an unpleasant taste, and decided to suspend everything.
Unfortunately…
"d.a.m.n it! Shuaige!" Liang Ze grabbed Hang Hang"s arm, "I"ll only say a few words, at least listen to what I have to say, ok!"
"Liang Ze." Hang Hang pressed on Liang Ze"s hand, "I really don"t want to say anything and don"t want to listen to anything right now."
"I don"t feel like a man." Liang Ze did not give Hang Hang a chance to leave, instead he turned this into a war, "When I make love with you…I don"t feel like a man."
Just those few words, just with those words, Hang Hang had regretted to not leave in time. He could not control Liang Ze"s mouth, "I can"t help it." He could only confess, towards his relationship with Liang Ze, he had to confess that he had known of everything, it was not that he did not subside, just that Liang Ze…did not want to give in, this really did not have anything to do with love, it was the matter of what role they take on in this type of relationship, it was not that he could not endure anything for Liang Ze, he just could not bear it for anyone, "I can only be the Top."
Liang Ze was taken aback for a moment, this word sounded very familiar to him. How come it is so familiar? Ah, yes, when dealing with the trainer that s.e.xual harrased him, Hang Hang had taught him. Top. Obviously in this situation, it cannot be understood in the meaning Hang Hang had told him. In this case, obviously it has the most intuitive meaning. Top, an English word — Above. How he could not figure it out at that time? As if he did not know anything about this world (h.o.m.os.e.xual world)? He had never thought that he would be in a relationship with a man. Before, he often did not understand how there would be a romantic love between two men. In the end, why he felt so disappointed with himself? Just that he had to be the bottom during s.e.x? Had to satisfy another man? Didn"t he also feel satisfy too? Feeling uncomfortable? Obviously the answer was that, but…how come he still reach his climax? If he was really dissatisfied, then it was impossible for him to climax, right? There was something wrong here, definitely something was wrong here.
Hang Hang was determined to leave, Liang Ze did not try to stop him. He returned to his bedroom, lying down lifelessly on the bed. His mind was now in a complete chaotic, he really could not understand it all. He is sure that he likes Hang Hang, so much that he does not want to lose him, at the same time, he knows it very well that his body is rejecting Hang Hang. Separating psychological feeling from physiological needs. He can accept Hang Hang"s feeling, but he cannot accept Hang Hang"s body.
At the corner of his eyes, he saw the inflatable doll was being forgotten at the corner of the room. Liang Ze did not think that Hang Hang would just come here without telling him first, usually they would always tell the other person in advance of they are coming over. Not telling each other in advance is actually something good, that shows that they are no longer see each other as outsiders, but…the outcome is not always necessarily good.
Liang Ze bought this inflatable s.e.x doll for a very simple reason, he only wanted to find out what wrong with him. Wanting to know how he always being distracted whenever making love with Hang Hang, he…could not reach his peak. Suddenly going from a rocking hard stick into a soft spiritless thing. This was a crucial blow to his self-esteem as a man. He could feel Hang Hang also got disappointed, but he was even more disappointed than Hang Hang — he is impotent. This did not say that Liang Ze had wanted this problem to exist, but to any male on this earth, one cannot accept that he is impotent, right? Liang Ze felt even more dejected when he rode the plastic doll, he had no problem. His intuition told him that obviously, he cannot get it up with Hang Hang. {Translator Input: Liang Ze just wants to find out the source of the problem and then solve it to improve his relationship with Hang Hang, such a considerable person, just his method is…a bit different T.T}
Such impossible thought had caused a great fear in Liang Ze. The only answer he could think of was — he cannot accept Hang Hang. His dependency and intimacy with Hang Hang had contradicted this new found answer, that just means that he does not love Hang Hang.
Being with Hang Hang, he realized it is both good and bad thing. Bad thing is that he cannot get it up with Hang Hang, good thing is Liang Ze"s heart is at ease — in fact, it was not like he does not like Hang Hang, he just simply could not accept to be on the bottom and let another man do whatever he wants with his body.
With the old problem had been solved, new problem had come. This new problem came to his acknowledge just a few minutes ago — Hang Hang said he cannot help it. He can only be the top.
Liang Ze"s mood got crushed like a deflated ball, eyes staring at the inflatable doll"s box and sighed.
***
Hang Hang was walking back to Yan Dai Xie Street. The weather was unusually cold at the end of January, and he had thin layer of clothes on, yet he stubbornly refused to rub his hands together, or get into a warm car. He was not afraid of the cold, because the temperature in his heart was even colder than the whistling north wind.
As a saying goes, do not say what not to say, and do not look at what not to look. You might get a stye the next day. He was not deliberately coming over to Liang Ze without telling him in advance, since there were not that many customers in the store, he had decided to close early. Perhaps, he should not have taken Liang Ze"s house key. But, these were not the main points.
Something was not meant to be escaped even if you tried to run away from it.
Hang Hang had never tried to provoke straight men. The reasons are very simple: one, it is impossible to "bend" them; two, even if you can "bend" them, they will not want to be the bottom. Therefore, Hang Hang had never tried to get his hand on straight men.
But, inch by inch, Liang Ze had entered into his life. Not too soon or too late, perhaps fate has prepared for them to meet right at that moment. Just like that, it went along with the flow, although this Idiot was not the ordinary straight man, Hang Hang eventually captured him in his arms. He said he likes him (Hang Hang), and he was willing to be the bottom and let him (Hang Hang) have his way with him.
However, Hang Hang is not an idiot, his brain is not made out of thick wood, Hang Hang is the clever shop owner, Hang Hang is sensitive and caring handsome man, in short, Hang Hang has noticed everything.
He deliberately did not want to acknowledge it, foolishly ignored it, and went on with this self-deception. It was a short escape, giving the two of them some time to get used to each other, but…
Hang Hang was beyond angry when seeing Liang Ze riding the inflatable doll, but it was no reason to be angry, it was irrational of him, because he was at wrong. He had never given Liang Ze the right to choose. Because everything was his doing. Hang Hang had understood that he can only have a man as his life partner, and he can only be the Top in the relationship in this lifetime. This cannot be changed and will never change, he does not want to be on the bottom. Honestly speaking, when he pushed open the door and saw Liang Ze on top of a living woman, he did not get so angry. He knew it very well that Liang Ze does not want to have s.e.x with him, Liang Ze was just simply going along with the flow, because Hang Hang wanted it, and Liang Ze just gave in.
No way. He did say there is no way. He knew that they have irreconcilable contradiction, but they could not solve it. Over the time, the only solution for this is separation.
Hang Hang did not look forward to Liang Ze"s concession, and Hang Hang could not let himself to be conceded.
Completely trapped.
They are now lovers, yet they are still not.
Just like that, he had made his way through the wide opened street, walking through the road from the East Gate, to the Drum Tower, and then to Yan Dai Xie Street. Hang Hang put his hands in his pockets, only his hands receiving the body heat yet the cold metallic phone looting away the temperature from them. Liang Ze did not come after him, did not call, and did not even send a text message. This was so not like his "hard to shake off thick-skinned" character. Does this mean it is really over between them?
The saying no expectation no disappointment has long been proved to be nonsense. If you can rationally face your emotions, then Hang Hang himself is not a human being. Of course, you cannot become a Buddha. Then what? A demon?
Liang Ze really likes to watch Stephen Chow movies, especially the old ones. Hang Hang suddenly remember Tang Seng* had once said: human beings are being born by their mothers, the demons also are being born by their mothers. Liang Ze was just like a parrot learning to speak human language in front of him, Hang Hang could not even laugh the slightest bit.
[T/N: Tang Seng – Tang San Zang in Journey to the West, one of the Four Great Cla.s.sical Novels of Chinese Literature – he is the Buddhist monk who is the central character of the novel; if you are not familiar with Chinese literature, I recommend you watch this one, the 1986 version, it"s the cla.s.sic one and the best version out there. The acting in that version is great too, since it"s an old movie, don"t expect the awesome graphic LOL but it"s the best one ^^]
Opened the door, entered the room, Ikkyu and Long Long were happily cuddling in the cage, Small Leaf"s baby was lying on its tummy and played with Small Leaf, the X Chinchilla was eating elegantly.
Hang Hang did not take off his shoes, just squatted down in front of the cage.
How you all can be such a happy family at this moment?
Long Long soon scooted over to Hang Hang, sc.r.a.ping his nose against the cage. Hang Hang poked his finger at it, Long Long"s moist greasy tongue greeting Hang Hang"s finger. He opened the cage door, and Long Long jumped to Hang Hang"s shoulder.
"Long Long…" Hang Hang rubbed Long Long"s fur, "Tell me what I should do now."
The other ones in the back of the cage and the chinchilla baby also walked over, Hang Hang grabbed a whole lot of sweet potato chips, Long Long immediately grabbed two pieces, Ikkyu in the cage also saw this, and grabbed two for herself; Hang Hang discreetly gave Small Leaf and X Chinchilla some too. He stared at the group of chinchillas, his mood was still down even with them around.
There seems to be a wide gap between him and Liang Ze, he does not know whether to jump over it or to fall down to his death.
Looking around this room, Liang Ze"s pet, Liang Ze"s books, and Liang Ze"s pajamas. Only…the rightful owner of these things was not here. He did not know how long they will still be here.
Spring Festival was coming soon. Such an important time with such situation. Hang Hang could cry out his emotions, yet could not laugh to his heart"s content.
{Translator Opinion: Honestly speaking, throughout many chapters we all said that Liang Ze is an idiot and an airhead. However, after reading this chapter, I have to take back my words of him being an idiot. I think Liang Ze is the typical straight guy where he would never have thought that he is getting together with a man. Being a fujoshi (or the girls that love to see romance in Boy Love), most of us tend to see the "uke" as the normal girl in many BoyxGirl genre, that we all have forgotten that for a straight man to realize that he is in love with another man, that is the BIGGEST SHOCK in life. More like, they never actually think of their interactions as anywhere near "being romantically" involved with each other. Of course, Liang Ze does seem to be too much of an idiot; but let"s not touch that base, but just focus on the fact that a straight man realizes that he is having s.e.x with another man and be the f.u.c.king bottom. Anyone would be freaking the f.u.c.k out. Well, let me put it this way: girls (I a.s.sume majority of people here are girls), think of your best friend for life is asking you to have s.e.x with her, and she asks you to f.u.c.k the h.e.l.l out of her brain with a strap-on, I"m not trying to be graphic here, but just saying that is the case. Will you be freaking out? Yes, you like your best friend, but I don"t think you would f.u.c.k the h.e.l.l out of your best friend. So that is Liang Ze"s case. I personally like this chapter because we get to see Liang Ze"s thinking. He gets to speak for himself here with his feeling. I"m saying this because the previous chapters, we get to see Liang Ze"s character through Hang Hang"s description, it"s discrete but think about it, we only get to see Hang Hang"s thinking of Liang Ze. So I"m glad that the author for once let the readers enter Liang Ze"s mind and understand the struggle he is going through ^^}
Proofread: Glowy