Yandai Xie Jie No. 10

Chapter 7

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Act 07: Date! It is a Long Way Home

I"m Handsome: h.e.l.lo…

Love 123: =.=

I’m Handsome: What"s with that look?

Love 123: I’m feeling hot

I’m Handsome: Ah? Drink more water!

Love 123: Got chapped lips, and just got a nosebleed earlier…

I’m Handsome: This is pretty serious.

Love 123: Yeah

I’m Handsome: Oh, eat more fruits and vegetables.

Love 123: I"ve felt hot since then

I’m Handsome: Eh? I’m cold yet you"re hot?

Love 123: …What"s running through your brain! I’m saying that I’m sick.

I’m Handsome: Huh? How did you get sick?

Love 123: It was you giving it to me

I’m Handsome: Uh, did you have it checked out?

Love 123: Did you see me go to the hospital?

I’m Handsome: This… I…

Love 123: Everything is fine now, I just had two cups of grapefruit tea today, I think that will do it

today ^_^

I’m Handsome: Ha ha ha, you like to drink it?

Love 123: Really delicious, thank you for buying it

I’m Handsome: Uh, as long as you like it. That is an imported product, not cheap!

Love 123: I see…

I’m Handsome: Yup, one jar costs 99 yuan.

Love 123: …

I’m Handsome: Hm?

Love 123: I shouldn’t be wasteful…

I’m Handsome: No need, think of it as my service to you =.=

Love 123: Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha

Hang Hang looked at the screen, sipping on his tea as his mouth curved up in a smile.

After reflecting on it these past few days, Hang Hang realized that if lately his thinking was not as sharp as it should be, it was simply because he had fallen in love.

Yes, he was certain that he liked that idiot.

For Hang Hang, his next step was to figure out what kind of approach he should use.

Never get into relationship with a straight man. He understood well that it is impossible, but… people in love are quite courageous, and Hang Hang was not an exception. He, too, wanted to challenge the impossible.

That day he put together his thoughts and came up with some ideas: Liang Ze is willing to spend time with himLiang Ze is very kindLiang Ze has chinchillas as pets, currently residing at his (Hang Hang"s) placeLiang Ze is single

—Seems like a perfect candidate. Must move forward!

But… for such person, the important question is how to move forward.

That night Hang Hang posted on the gay community board asking for advice as follows:

I like a straight man who is quite dumb and naive and quite dependent on me. How do I start a relationship with him?

The comments were:

#1: Knock him out and get on him.

#2: Say this to him: I love you

#3: Original Poster, if you are good looking, I"m straight!

#4: How does he act around you? Does he know that you"re gay? If he knows and still stays close with you, then start being intimate just like you normally do with someone you love.

#5: Let him be even more dependent on you, for example, plan a romantic date or something. In short, make yourself his everything.

#6: Nowadays, are there still straight men?

Basically, the post had become a joke.

However, Hang Hang did like the idea of going on a date.

They had known each other for quite some time now, and they often saw each other every day at the store. Although this idiot always came to the store right on time every day despite the weather conditions,…he only came to play with his chinchillas, right? If there were no Ikkyu or Small Leaf…what would happen?

Thinking about that, Hang Hang stared at Small Leaf and her "spouse." They both…were really reserved. They had been living together for several months but…had not consummated. And then he looked over at Ikkyu. She still intimidated Long Long…

He told Liang Ze the day before yesterday that he didn"t need to pay the deposit anymore. Hang Hang felt embarra.s.sed, as he did not want that to be dragged into this. Liang Ze immediately became happy upon hearing such news, and said: You"re very nice! Shuaige! You"re not even a bit angry, it"s such good news; as long as Ikkyu and Small Leaf are happy, I"ll come to play with you (Hang Hang) everyday for a bit!

This sentence was quite ambiguous.

Actually, it was due to this sentence that Hang Hang became even more determined.

Ikkyu made a cry, and Long Long immediately retreated to his cage.

Hang Hang looked at Long Long with sympathy. He suddenly felt that he was such a devil, for in order to get a spouse for Long Long, he had set up an unreliable arranged marriage. His alopecia areata not only did not get better, it was actually worse and out of control =.=

I"m Handsome: Shuaige! I"m done working, see you tonight!

Hearing the message notification beep, Hang Hang turned his eyes back to the screen, his fingers immediately typing.

Love 123: Oh, are you going to the gym?

I"m Handsome: Not today, I want to read some books.

Love 123: Not busy?

I"m Handsome: Ah, not busy.

Love 123: I"m not busy today either, do you want to go out?

I"m Handsome: Sure!

Love 123: Where do you want to go?

I"m Handsome: Anywhere! You?

Love 123: I want to look at autumn clothes

I"m Handsome: Ok!

Love 123: Ok, I"ll call you before I go

I"m Handsome: Alright, I"ll read a book while waiting for you.

Hang Hang picked up his phone and called Hai Hong, asking if she could come to the shop early today and then headed to the preparation room to ask Ying Ying if she can work overtime. They both said it was ok, and Hang Hang happily sprang up the stairs to his room.

After he finished taking a bath, Hang Hang looked at the time and and saw it was past 3 o"clock. He called Liang Ze who said to wait for him for a moment as he was coming out now.

A moment…turned out to be an hour.

An M6 stopped right in front of the yard and honked. Hang Hang looked up, not paying much attention, until Liang Ze stepped out of the car.
Mazda M6

Hang Hang did not think he would drive here. This was a crazy thing to do: traffic congestion is at its peak on Fridays =.=

Walking out from the store, Hang Hang saw Liang Ze holding a cell phone. Seconds later his own phone rang loudly. He made his way over to Liang Ze. The man took a quick glance at him and then shifted his gaze over to the store.

"What"re you looking at? Do you want to go in to look at Ikkyu and Small Leaf for a moment?" Hang Hang went to stand in front of Liang Ze.

"Ah!" Liang Ze shouted and looked intently at Hang Hang, "Ah! Shuaige! It"s you!"

Hang Hang felt like he was being knocked over. If it"s not me, then who is it?

"You, you, you…I didn"t recognize you, you"re wearing gla.s.ses!"

"Huh?" Hang Hang then remembered that he usually wore his gla.s.ses after taking a bath.

"Even more handsome! Get in!" Liang Ze said as opened the door.

"Don"t you find the Friday traffic jams annoying?"

"Not really. Pushing through the traffic jam, it"s better to be in the car."

"Does the subway have a traffic jam?"

"Uh…I forgot."

Driving out of Yan Dai Xie Street, Liang Ze turned on the CD player. Hang Hang immediately frowned. What kind of music is this?

A man was stupidly singing: There are so many little people, every day they are just poor but happy, happy souls don"t have to fake, Hehe Haha we are poor but happy. I am someone who has a strong body like Li Kui, a handsome face like Zhang Fei! My hair is shiny and black, I have been everywhere with my outstanding character, drinking water from Yangtze River to Yellow River and pa.s.sing firecrackers from one mouth to another… Li Kui – a fictional character in Water Margin, one of the Four Great Cla.s.sical Novels of Chinese literature. He’s a muscular man with a dark complexion, a reddish-yellow unibrow, and fiery eyes. He is as strong as an ox, which earns him the nickname “Iron Ox”.Zhang Fei – a military general who served under the warlord Liu Bei in the late Eastern Han dynasty and early Three Kingdoms period.Yangtze River in Shanghai – this river connects with Yellow RiverYellow River – well known for its yellowish color

"What song is that?"

"Pointless Happiness!* Great to listen to!" Liang Ze replied happily.

"It"s so stupid…"

"Huh?"

"Do you have another one?"

"Yeah… I also marked it the same as this," Liang Ze turned to look at Hang Hang.

Hang Hang closed his eyes, feeling that this "date" was not going to go anywhere =.=

"It"s good to listen to, and funny too. The more you listen, the more you like it!"

"Yeah, poor but happy…"

"Ha ha ha ha…"

{Proofreader Note: also known as “Shiny Happiness," it was written and recorded by The Flowers, a Mandopop band popular between 1998 and 2009. It is from their 6th alb.u.m in which they used elements of traditional Chinese folk music. You can watch the MV on YouTube–search under Shiny Happiness–and decide who you agree with, Hang Hang or Liang Ze.)

"Where are we going?" Hang Hang looked at the motionless cars on the street, thinking that it would be faster to take a s.p.a.ceship to the moon.
{Translator Input: it took the world years to land on the moon, historically speaking. Hang Hang meant to say that the traffic is so bad that going up the moon is faster than this}

"You decide!"

"… SOGO, let"s go there."
Sogo Co. Ltd. (株式会社そごう Kabushiki Kaisha Sogo) is a department store chain that operates an extensive network of branches in j.a.pan

"Let’s go!" Liang Ze nodded.

"OK."

"Do you know how to get there?" Liang Ze asked.

"Say what?"

"I often get lost on the way."

"Then why did you go by car?"

"Well, alright, all roads lead to Rome*!"
[T/N – All roads lead to Rome – English proverb – there are many different routes to the same goal]

***

"Turn left!" Just then, Hang Hang saw they almost turned down the wrong road =.=

"d.a.m.n! Just in time! Shuaige, you’re awesome!"

"…"

Fuyou Street was b.u.mper-to-b.u.mper, the traffic light on Chang An Avenue was unchanging, the entire length of Xinhua Street from North to South was completely blocked.

"Hey, Shuaige!" Liang Ze leaned in closer as he was speaking, just like a little puppy that coming close to Hang Hang to sniff him.

"What are you doing?" Hang Hang was incredulous.

"Shuaige, you have a really strange smell on you!"

"Ah?" Hang Hang got shocked for a moment. He had thoroughly washed so there should not be any pet shop smell left, yet he was afraid some animal odor still lingered on him.

"Really, it’s not right!"

Hang Hang also tried to sniff but he really could not perceive any strange odor. "What strange smell?"

"It"s not the usual smell."

"What’s the usual smell?"

"It"s…a good variety of scent."

"…You think that smell was good?" Hang Hang"s eyeb.a.l.l.s almost fell out of their sockets. He did not have contact lens on, so it could not be helped.

"Yup. Very unique. Just by smelling it, I know it’s you!"

"Crazy."

"Ha ha ha…"

Hang Hang looked helplessly at Liang Ze. He can like that kind of scent, how strange!

The two of them got to Xuan Wu Men SOGO mall at six o"clock. Parking went smoothly, and the two men casually strolled into the shopping mall. Liang Ze showed no great interest in anything, not looking at clothes, but he kept on babbling nonstop. After Hang Hang bought a coat, they decided to head to dinner.

"What do you want for dinner?" Hang Hang and Liang Ze used the escalator to go down.

"Anything is fine."

"At least you know what kind of food you want. What are you craving?"

"Uh…ah! I know! Since we’re in the southern area, let’s have Haggis*!"
Haggis – a Scottish dish – a savoury pudding containing sheep’s offal (heart, liver, lungs) minced with onion, suet, spices, and salts, mixed with stock, traditionally encased in the animal’s stomach, though now often with an artificial casing instead

Hang Hang"s gla.s.ses almost fell off. What! To eat haggis? What food could be more exotic than this?

"You don"t want to eat lamb?" Seeing Hang Hang did not say anything, Liang Ze asked.

"…I do."

"That"s good! There"s a little shop on that small street over there. It"s not as good as Yue Sheng Zhai, but it"s doable."
[T/N: Yue Sheng Zhai – a Muslim Food Company in China]

"Okay." Hang Hang was sweating. You cruel kid, I"m burning up and you make me eat mutton*!
{Proofreader Note: According to traditional Chinese medicine, you should eat foods that are the opposite of the thermal nature you"ve been diagnosed with. Mutton is a warming food and should never be eaten when you have a fever.)

"Ah, let"s go!"

"You"re not buying anything?"

"Me? Nah, I bought some before."

"Oh, you"re wearing them today?"

"No, I bought these last year."

"Where are the new ones?"

"In my closet. It"s rare to have you ask such stupid question," Liang Ze laughed.

Who"s the stupid one? Hang Hang felt like slapping Liang Ze upside the head. You bought new clothes but instead of wearing them, you leave them in the closet? Who you callin" stupid?

Sure enough, it was the least romantic restaurant ever. It was worse, even, than the pork entrails restaurant. There was a bunch of teenagers sitting near the restaurant’s entrance, and everywhere there were greasy people.

"Two offal bowls, four biscuits, a pound of roasted mutton, one order of fried roll," Liang Ze ordered smoothly and then looked over to Hang Hang. "Want rousong*?"
Rousong – a dried meat product with a light and fluffy texture similar to coa.r.s.e cotton.

"All right," Hang Hang mechanically nodded.

"Then we have to order one. It"s the specialty here."

After the waiter left, Liang Ze lit up a cigarette. "I"ve been wanting to eat this for a long time, but I didn"t have time to come."

"Why?"

"It"s sad to eat alone, and my friends don"t want to come here either."

"Is this place really good?"

"Yes! Shuaige! I really like you! This restaurant is really delicious. Once you have a taste of it, you will see it"s way better than that pork entrails."

After hearing this, Hang Hang"s jaw dropped. What did he just say? Pork entrails? Did some screw just get loose in this person"s brain? In this halal shop, to openly talk about…pork entrails?
[T/N: "Halal" means that Islamic dietary laws are followed. One big one is that Muslims are forbidden to consume pork, so that"s the reason why Hang Hang was scared to death when Liang Ze openly talked about eating pork entrails, which is a BIG NO NO in this store]

Just as Liang Ze finished saying that, people around them started looking over to their table.

"Liang Ze…" Hang Hang kicked Liang Ze"s leg under the table.

"Hm?"

"Do not talk about pork entrails…" Hang Hang mouthed out each word.

"What?"

"Do not talk about pork entrails."

"Do not talk about what?"

"Pork, entrails."

"Pork entrails? Ah, I"m not talking about it; this is a halal sub shop." This sentence was even louder.

Hang Hang immediately kicked him with all his strength =.=

He felt like digging a hole and hiding in it.

"Shuaige, what"s with you?" Liang Ze, slow to react, only stared at Hang Hang. His brain finally caught on, and he quickly said, "I…I rarely made such mistakes…that, that…must be because you"ve stimulated me."

"Alright…" Hang Hang felt like crying. He swore if this Idiot shouted out Pork Entrails one more time, the chef would come out with a knife and slice them up.

The food here was not bad, and Liang Ze and Hang Hang ate a lot. After they both finished eating and went outside, Hang Hang stared sternly at Liang Ze. "Next time, if you"re coming with other people, don"t EVER say Pork Entrails in a halal shop."

"Understood! I don"t know what"s wrong with me today, ha ha ha…"

"Hm," Hang Hang sighed.

Getting in the car, traffic seemed to have calmed down, so they both decided to drive around.

Hang Hang felt his lips were still burning a little. It looked like it would not go away for a few days.

"It was really delicious!"

"Ah, delicious," Hang Hang nodded.

"We"re awesome! We can talk about anything and eat anything, except pork entrails."

"…"

"Shuaige, I noticed you don’t talk much? Do you get sleepy after meal?"

"No."

"Then why?"

"My mouth is sore…"

"Mouth sore? So you can’t speak? Then my mouth should also be in pain, right? You and I were talking about pork entrails at a halal shop…Could it be that we"re suffering retribution?"

"Get out of here!" Hang Hang said, exasperated, "I have a fever!"

"Ah," Liang Ze finally understood that Hang Hang had a fever… yet… he made him eat mutton.

"Just need to drink more citron tea…" Hang Hang leaned on the window in his pa.s.senger seat, thinking that this "date" is a disaster. It would have been better to stay at the store! –Wanting to be all romantic with this Idiot; this trip alone was enough to kill him!

"Then you must drink it, drink a lot of it, if you need more, I"ll buy it for you," Liang Ze said with determination.

Hang Hang glanced over at him. Liang Ze was smoking a cigarette, listening to "Pointless Happiness," the neon l.u.s.ter landing on his face, sketching out his handsome features. That"s it. Why must I like someone like him.

"I’ll buy them for you, so don"t hold yourself back from drinking them."

"…This drink is very condensed. I can last a year with what I have."

"Oh, ha ha ha…"

Right, he is pointlessly happy.

There was such long way to go; to able to win over this Idiot would not be an easy task. It was going to require suffering a great deal of devastation, experiencing tremendous mental breakdown, and encountering a bizarre a.s.sortment of irritations.

Boy, you wait until you"re mine. I won"t…

The kind-hearted shop owner was actually the little devil with a trident =.=

"Oh, Shuaige…"

"What?"

"Nothing, you don"t have to reply, just listen to me."

"Say it."

"I"m really happy today! Being with you feels really comfortable!"

Finally, he is speaking human language; it seems like this "date" has scored at least two points, not zero.

Proofread: Evie & Veeska

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